How to make it hurt less

[ConfuzzledHeart]

My BF and I have been dating for 1.5 years. Both of us have started college about 5-6 months ago, and we live on different continents.
Ever since he's moved, his priorities have kind of changed. I've noticed that he somewhat prefers his friends over me all the time. Like today we were speaking on the phone after a long time and it was his dinner time so he reached the cafeteria then he quickly tried to end the convo, so i was like you have to go? He's like yeah I've reached. So it just made me feel bad, I mean he could have waited for 2 minutes and listened to what I was saying. He lacks the communication skills, and we've argued about this over and over again. He refuses to break up, and it's not like I want it either but little things tend to make a big difference. i know he's really trying to keep me happy with whatever way he can. But for how long can I keep spoon feeding him?
I really want us to work out. But I have insecurity issues and he lacks communication. What do I do ? I'm trying to stop expecting things now.
Trying to make other things my priority m, like he has.
But is this what a long distance is supposed to be like
I don't know.. Anyway
Thanks

[WarwickGuy]

When people go off to college/university, things can change a lot, although after 5-6 months he should have settled into a (new) routine. Therefore, if the issue is attention, it would be helpful if added yourself to his routine (and visa versa) and set up certain times you talk and give your full attention to the other. This can help remove a lot of the uncertainty and insecurity that arises from distance.

On specifics, as a guy who loves his food, I can understand him wanting to finish the conversation quickly to eat in the cafeteria. However, I know what you were saying was probably important to you (which is why it is an issue). Hence, I can only say that communication, even if your boyfriend sucks at it, would be the best solution for it. If he makes it clear to you what he's doing, then that would help. And likewise, if you have that time set up when you'll focus on each other, that would help a lot.

Also, in what way do you feel you're spoon feeding him?

As for if this is what a LDR is meant to be like? Most if not all of us on the forum have experienced times where we can't talk to our SO as much as we want and have been frustrated when it feels like we're not their top priority. But through the frustration you should still find plenty of moments of happiness from being together, even at a distance. I miss my girlfriend a lot and we do fight, but I would be a liar if I claimed I didn't smile and my heart raced faster when we talk or video chat. You need to decide whether the joy is greater than the pain of being in a LDR and if not, are you willing to tolerate it until you can see each other again?

[ConfuzzledHeart]

Hey first all of thanks for such a nice reply.

We have kind of started to fall into a new routine, but this started about a month ago, I guess it's a good start though. But see before it was like he didn't feel the need to talk to me as much as I needed him. So we fought over that, and he came over during winter break and discussed everything and finally he asked me to give him another shot at everything..
I mean there's more to it, he was more keen in saving his friendship with this new girl than making sure I was okay and he began to ignore by the end of it, which sucked. And hurt so badly, cause I never let my problems with anyone else affect us.. But I mean she was his first "girl" friend after me so I guess he doesn't know how to handle things/people
^ that's what I mean by spoon feeding, telling him that he can't just ditch me when he wants, that it is weird that he doesn't feel the need to talk to me, etc

And he definitely is a foodie too but it's not about eating his food, it was because his friends were there. I mean it's always like friends > me. In my case I always tell my friends to wait or text him when I'm around my friends and he really doesn't do that, and it makes me feel like maybe I don't have a life? Like I keep focusing on him too much, but I'm working on it now, well trying to.

Like it was my birthday recently, I went home for 3 days
And he told me he's sent me teddy bear and Flowers to my college
Now the moment I came back to college the first thing I did after reaching with my luggage was to check the teddy bear, but it wasn't there
the next day I kind of waited for him to ask me if I got it, but he didn't
Then I finally told him that I didn't get it
And he's like okay I'll talk to the courier people
3 days went by and I asked him if he talked to them? He's like oh no I didn't
And that hurt me a lot cause it's like
It it was me, I'd call up the people that day only. I'd be excited for him to have received it, but he didn't really show any interest
And it's like little stupid things like this that hurt me
I think I'm a really emotional person and I expect too much from him
I know he loves and cares for me
And no Matter how he is
I will always love him
It's just
I feel like I'm always putting more into the relationship
and I'm the kind of person who just can't control my feelings
Like eventually I end up telling him something is disturbing me
But idk

Thanks

[ConfuzzledHeart]

Oh also whenever we do video for like 2 minutes
The smile on his face is just beautiful
It's at moments like this when I know I mean something to him
But otherwise his actions are kind of bleh
Like umm my family when over to his house last year for dinner
And all of us (siblings and us) were playing games
He was trying to hit me with a ball
And eventually it ended up hitting my eye and it hurt a lot
My eye was puffy and watery
And when I went back to his house
My dad was like woah what happened
And my dad has an idea about me and my BF (not exactly lol) but apparently my dad told my mom
That my BF didn't seem to care much or have any guilty look in his eyes that I was hurt
Like u know how you just expect Someone you think loves You Show some concern
He didn't Really have that
But I come from a very pampering family
So it could just be who he is
But it's again those expectations that kind of hurt
Don't get me wrong
He's not always like this, he DOES do amazing things at times
But it just sucks sometimes lol

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I would really suggest having a routine if you don't already. Like at this time we talk every day or different times depending on the day. Having a routine really helps me because I don't have to feel like I'm choosing my friends over my SO or vice versa. The fact of the matter is that it's a good thing he has a life there without you. It's painful and hard for you to accept sometimes, but can you imagine how miserable he'd be without friends and only you to talk to?

It also sounds like you don't feel like he cares about you in general. That is something very different. If you don't feel loved and respected then you need to either figure out a way to tell him that and ask him to change (tangible things work better to see if he's actually making an effort), live with how it is (which no one should have to do), or move on because he isn't giving you what you need or deserve.

P.S. Sorry I only skimmed the responses before I added my own. Seems like I said a similar thing...whoops!

[ConfuzzledHeart]

Hey, thanks for the reply.
Yeah a routine is nice.
I don't want him to not talk to his friends, not at all. In fact I'm really happy that he's made good friends he's comfortable with, but it wouldn't hurt to tell your friends to wait for 5 minutes when he's talking to me on the phone, which doesn't happen ther frequently. Idk I just have different expectations.


Yeah I know
And I have told him and he IS trying I think.
But I mean idk

Also I don't have the heart to break up with him, my first boyfriend broke up with me a while ago and I really loved him. And i went through a really really bad time. I couldn't possibly do that to someone, especially him. Not after what we've been through.

P.S no worries

[WarwickGuy]

Hmmm :3 Reading your responses, it does seem communication and differences in expectations are your biggest hurdles. It's good to hear that your joint routine has started to change in the past month; I hope that's helped a bit.

I am a little stumped by his interest in friends more, especially saving the friendship more than sorting things out with you.

Also, guys should be aware of the difficulty of female friends (and normally are), so I hope he is aware that there is a difference between them and male friends when related to showing you and them attention.

Also, differences in expectations doesn't mean either of you are in the wrong, it's just a reality of how couples are and what they want from a relationship. I would for instance, be a lot more panicked if I hit my girlfriend in the eye with the ball. However, don't worry, I don't think your boyfriend is abusive or anything like that.

To add to what MissingMyDutchLover said, moving on can always be an option. If you honestly consider it and decide that you can work through this and you'd be happier than moving, then that should have a positive effect of reaffirming your commitment.

P.S. Sorry, I would have spent more time on this reply, but I'm leaving for class soon.

[ConfuzzledHeart]

Lol no need to say sorry!

Yeah it definitely has become better than before.

Yeah I had a hard time digesting that too, it was a really rocky time but things have eased out now so let's see what happens.

Haha I definitely know he isn't abusive it's just I guess that's how he is, and I'll have to love him for who he is.

By the way, WarwickGuy, I noticed you've been in a LDR for a while 1 doesn't the thought of your gf ever moving on scare you? Initially I used to be really insecure, like extremely. Creating fights over stupid little things, because I was scared.
I mean isn't the thought of everything ending so scary.
I try not to think about it but it's just
So frightening lol

[WarwickGuy]

That's probably the best thing to do ("let's see what happens") and you can decide for yourself if you're going to get what you want from this relationship.

I must admit first of all that we've only been 6000 miles apart for 3 months now, while before for all our relationship we were 100 miles apart. Still meant we didn't see each other that much compared to other couples, but were able to meet every couple of weeks at least, which made insecurity easier to deal with.

When she first returned to Taiwan, I was definitely scared that she would get home, see her family and friends and then decide that she didn't need or want me any more. However, I did mention this to her and she replied that she was afraid that when she returned to Taiwan, I would forget about her and cut her out of my life. That helped me realise that my fear wasn't justified and the greater distance would not automatically end our relationship. we've also discussed future plans together, such as when we'll next visit each other and longer term plans (being in the same country again) and this has helped us both understand we want the same things from our relationship.

There is always a chance the person could move on and I acknowledge that one day my gf could move on, whatever the reason. That is scary and I don't want to lose her, but I'm sure most if not all people on this forum can tell you they have felt the same at some point. None of us want to lose our SO, because we care and love for them so much, which is why we are prepared to do the distance in the first place. Sadly, you, I and others have to control those fears and find a responsible outlet for them if they become too much. And at the end of the day, it's possible that our SOs would move on and lose interest if we were in a short distance relationship.

I also understand your fear as (I think) I am the more emotional one in my relationship; I've been responsible for stupid fights because I've not felt emotionally secure (normally when we've had less contact). It's good to hear that you "used" to be really insecure, sounds like you've improved on handling your insecurity. Just remember that you're not expected to deal with all those worries on your own and that there are always people on LFAD who will happily give advice and support, regardless of the issue.

[Chris516]

My BF and I have been dating for 1.5 years. Both of us have started college about 5-6 months ago, and we live on different continents.
Ever since he's moved, his priorities have kind of changed. I've noticed that he somewhat prefers his friends over me all the time. Like today we were speaking on the phone after a long time and it was his dinner time so he reached the cafeteria then he quickly tried to end the convo, so i was like you have to go? He's like yeah I've reached. So it just made me feel bad, I mean he could have waited for 2 minutes and listened to what I was saying. He lacks the communication skills, and we've argued about this over and over again. He refuses to break up, and it's not like I want it either but little things tend to make a big difference. i know he's really trying to keep me happy with whatever way he can. But for how long can I keep spoon feeding him?
I really want us to work out. But I have insecurity issues and he lacks communication. What do I do ? I'm trying to stop expecting things now.
Trying to make other things my priority m, like he has.
But is this what a long distance is supposed to be like
I don't know.. Anyway
Thanks

Well, No one is perfect. Neither one of you.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Hey, thanks for the reply.
Yeah a routine is nice.
I don't want him to not talk to his friends, not at all. In fact I'm really happy that he's made good friends he's comfortable with, but it wouldn't hurt to tell your friends to wait for 5 minutes when he's talking to me on the phone, which doesn't happen ther frequently. Idk I just have different expectations.


Yeah I know
And I have told him and he IS trying I think.
But I mean idk

Also I don't have the heart to break up with him, my first boyfriend broke up with me a while ago and I really loved him. And i went through a really really bad time. I couldn't possibly do that to someone, especially him. Not after what we've been through.

P.S no worries

I know that break ups are hard. I had my heart broken before and it just about destroyed me. But I can tell you right now, if my SO had any doubts about whether I was right for him or not I would way rather him break up with me then continue to stay with me just because he "doesn't have the heart" to break things off. I don't know if you really meant it this way or not, but if the sole reason that you aren't breaking up with him is because you've had your heart broken before and can't imagine doing that to him then you need to reevaluate why you're staying with him. Sometimes hurting someone really is the best thing you possibly could have done for them.