Is it right feeling disappointed about this?

[Zezima]

I'm visiting my gf for the first in over 2 years. It took me a lot of time and effort to make this happen. I've told my friends about her and she hasn't told any of friends about me. I understand she doesn't want to tell anyone she met me online and I respect her for that. She lives with her best friend.
When I ask her when I can visit her, she tells me things like " Visit me during this time, or that time" because her best friend and other close friends will be out of town and that they wouldn't know about her spending few days with me. She basically doesn't want anyone to know about it. She tells me she can't hangout in evening or night when I visit her because her best friend would be home and she would ask her a lot of questions about it. I've told her she can tell her friends about me if our meeting goes well. She wouldn't even talk to me on phone or video chat with me when her best friend is home. I have to wait for to be alone to talk to her. Is she ashamed of me or something? I feel hurt.. Why do I have meet her when her best friends are of out town. I have a busy life here and she tells me I can visit her only in certain time of month.

And no, she doesn't have a secret bf over there. I completely trust her. It's just she's ashamed to tell her friends she met a guy online. Am I wrong in voicing my opinion against this? She could just tell them I'm just a friend visiting her.. if they are her close friends, they would understand it. I don't feel like she appreciates me.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I hate to be blunt but here it goes: you've put up with this for two years? She won't talk to you when anyone is home and even though you're making a long and expensive trek out to see her, you won't be able to see her at night because someone might know you two are together? No. Just no. This is completely unacceptable. Not only would I be disappointed but downright pissed if my boyfriend refused to tell anyone about me after two years.

[Zezima]

I hate to be blunt but here it goes: you've put up with this for two years? She won't talk to you when anyone is home and even though you're making a long and expensive trek out to see her, you won't be able to see her at night because someone might know you two are together? No. Just no. This is completely unacceptable. Not only would I be disappointed but downright pissed if my boyfriend refused to tell anyone about me after two years.

She tells me she would tell her friends after we meet officially (Depending on how the meeting goes). She thinks her friends would judge her if she tells them she met a guy online..she feels pathetic about it.

[SailorRei]

after you meet officially? So all the trips you made were... just a joke? How the "official" meeting will be different? Will you guys act like you just met for first time?
Sorry for being so harsh and mean, but it really doesn't feel right and I feel sorry for you- her friends are coming always first, and you will be forever second.

[Zezima]

after you meet officially? So all the trips you made were... just a joke? How the "official" meeting will be different? Will you guys act like you just met for first time?
Sorry for being so harsh and mean, but it really doesn't feel right and I feel sorry for you- her friends are coming always first, and you will be forever second.

We haven't met yet. This is the first time.

[Honour]

I think you're being played for a fool. 2 years is long enough to tolerate that kinda bullshit, if I were you, I'd cancel the visit.

[R&R]

Meeting people online is hardly a stigma anymore. During every commercial set you are bound to see commercials for online dating sites like Match and EHarmony. People obviously meet in chat rooms, playing games, FB, etc, as well. The two of you are in your 20's, so it's not like this is something that is uncommon in your age group.

Also, if they are her friends, and especially her best friend, she should be able to tell them anything. Especially bringing a "stranger" into the house. She should have people that know about you and have your contact information just for safety's sake. (Not saying you're a bad person - I give this advice to everyone on a first meeting.)

There are so many red flags in this. If you haven't already purchased your tickets, I wouldn't buy them just yet. Her conditions in meeting you are totally unacceptable.

[Zandria]

I 100% agree with everyone else that her behavior is tossing up some major red flags.

To an extent, know this is only a very short leash I am holding, I can see where she is coming from with "some" hesitancy with expressing to her friends about your relationship. I was in this predicament with my SO about how we met, when explaining to some of my friends. Granted these were just people who were "friends", but not best friends, and just wanted to know why I always had a giddy smile on my face every time I looked down on my phone, lol. I gave those friends a brief synopsis of us, nothing too detailed, because I did not believe they warranted the right to know. BUT, I told my best friends everything about my SO: how the both of us met, all our conversations, my feelings for him, my dreams and desires, etc. They respected me and my decision, even if they did not agree fully. We have a saying with one another "Do what you want" - as long as we know what they are doing, lol.

Stigmas of meeting online are mixed and varied, but as R&R mentioned, for our age range (I am in my mid-20s) that it is becoming more a norm. What strikes me as odd, is that she has told no one about you; she is giving you a very narrow window to see her; and, you can only see her in the day time, not at night. Your visit would all be on her terms, not terms you have agreed upon together. Especially if you are spending all that money to go see her, half way around the world. At this point in your relationship, I do not believe it is worth the travel. I honestly feel like you are being undervalued in your relationship, and you need to express your concerns with her on the matter as soon as possible. Hope the talk goes well!


Best,

Z

[differentcountries]

Does she live at home and is scared her parents will find out about you?

[R&R]

Does she live at home and is scared her parents will find out about you?

The OP stated that she lives with her best friend.

[Miasmata]

I understand being a more private person and/or feeling insecure about the ordeal. My SO had to tell his family piece by piece about us, not all at once, and played coy about other aspects of how we met. His family are very conservative Mormons and he knew it'd take time for them to accept that he met a German, non-Mormon girl online instead of an American Mormon in the local community. But I didn't want to be a secret forever and he didn't want to lie, so he ultimately told his family most of the story. They will still never hear that we met in a My Little Pony online community rather than a dating or pen pal site, but eh, I can live with that, haha!

The point still stands, though - Even when someone has understandable reasons to be shy or worried about how people will accept their relationship, you shouldn't just let it slide unquestioned. Unless she is in active danger or unsafe if she tells people about her relationship, she should work on establishing that trust and making you a proper part of her life. It's definitely weird and worrisome that she keeps giving you excuses and refuses to make you an official part of her life. If this is her best friend, why is she so afraid of his reaction to being with you? What stigma exactly is she afraid of? Is she "simply" anxious or catastrophizing, and if so, has she expressed interest in overcomin this? You should definitely talk this out, because whatever's up, something is definitely wrong. Doesn't need to be catfish levels of wrong, but you should still not just blindly accept this, either.

[differentcountries]

The OP stated that she lives with her best friend.

Living with friends can sometimes be worse than staying with parents, because - although friendly - they can survail you in ways parents can't. She wants the relationship to herself in the beginning. Perhaps the walls in the flat are paper thin. Perhaps her friend is very nosy, who knows. Or judgemental. Perhaps she is scared about the meeting and don't want her friends to witness such an important milestole where she will feel fragile in ways she is not ready to share with her friends. Or maybe she is flakey and it is a red flag. It is hard to say just from the situation as it is written. The same thing can mean different things. I mean, it says she is from Asia. That could mean Turkey or Japan or Mongolia or someplace else entirely. Even within a country things can be different. I can understand it is not nice to be kept as a secret. But I know many do it like this before the first IRL meeting. So the only strange thing is that it took such a long time for that meeting to happen.

[Zezima]

I understand being a more private person and/or feeling insecure about the ordeal. My SO had to tell his family piece by piece about us, not all at once, and played coy about other aspects of how we met. His family are very conservative Mormons and he knew it'd take time for them to accept that he met a German, non-Mormon girl online instead of an American Mormon in the local community. But I didn't want to be a secret forever and he didn't want to lie, so he ultimately told his family most of the story. They will still never hear that we met in a My Little Pony online community rather than a dating or pen pal site, but eh, I can live with that, haha!

The point still stands, though - Even when someone has understandable reasons to be shy or worried about how people will accept their relationship, you shouldn't just let it slide unquestioned. Unless she is in active danger or unsafe if she tells people about her relationship, she should work on establishing that trust and making you a proper part of her life. It's definitely weird and worrisome that she keeps giving you excuses and refuses to make you an official part of her life. If this is her best friend, why is she so afraid of his reaction to being with you? What stigma exactly is she afraid of? Is she "simply" anxious or catastrophizing, and if so, has she expressed interest in overcomin this? You should definitely talk this out, because whatever's up, something is definitely wrong. Doesn't need to be catfish levels of wrong, but you should still not just blindly accept this, either.

I tried to talk to her about this and her response was "Don't ask". I know for a fact that she lives with her best friend, I've seen her and she told me once when she's sure of her partner, she would tell her best friend. Lately she's been forcing me to come early because her best friend is going out of town for a few days. I don't want her to tell her i'm her partner, she could mention as a friend.. I don't understand whats on her mind. She tells me " Why can't you come early? we can have all the free time without her interference".

[Miasmata]

That's not an acceptable answer. Of course you ask! You are with her, you are in a relationship. If she's getting pushy and wants you to change dates, she needs to explain this. Don't just go along. No normal, healthy friendship should make someone feel this scared of someone's interference. That sounds more and more worrisome. Please make it clear to her that she can't just kee you in the dark if she wants to have a trusting relationship with you. If she wants you to trust her, she needs to trust you as well, and give you answers.

[Zandria]

I tried to talk to her about this and her response was "Don't ask". I know for a fact that she lives with her best friend, I've seen her and she told me once when she's sure of her partner, she would tell her best friend. Lately she's been forcing me to come early because her best friend is going out of town for a few days. I don't want her to tell her i'm her partner, she could mention as a friend.. I don't understand whats on her mind. She tells me " Why can't you come early? we can have all the free time without her interference".

I am curious how you approached the topic with her. Perhaps start with your disposition and where you are coming from, i.e., "Hey _____, despite you wanting me to come earlier than planned for our first meet, I do not find it particularly fair that I am spending a large sum of money to come see you, and I am limited when and how we can see each other. I understand if your job was a concern, but it feels like you are only wanting me at arms length and I personally do not feel comfortable coming out there if this is the case..."

You should not feel forced to do anything, that to me is not a relationship. You should both have a balance and feel comfortable in whatever aspects you two choose to do. Key word is both of you. As I mentioned before, this is seeming like a one sided relationship. You need to stand your ground and be able to express how you feel. To me, the worst thing is not being able to have a voice, and if you do not have a voice, how is your relationship suppose to thrive?

Let us know how it goes!


Best,

Z