Paying for boyfriend's travel

[amaiken9]

Hi! My name is Allison, and this is my first post on the forum . I live in Ohio and my boyfriend (Zech) lives in New Hampshire. We've been together almost 2.5 years, and have been long distance since September 2015 (so it's still new).

He is supposed to visit for his Spring break (march), and we've had this planned since before Christmas. Money has been tight for him, and a couple weeks ago when I asked him about visiting, he said he may not be able to because of lack of funds. I offered to pay, as I am able to and would do anything to make sure we have this time. (My college program is competitive and this is the only time we have to see each other until the Summer).

However, he is refusing to let me pay because he feels as if it's wrong to accept money from me (he takes pride in taking of things himself). I'm trying to get him to understand that being able to see him is very important to me, and something I need, as life is very stressful right now. Overall I just feel hurt and frustrated because he didn't tell me himself he might not be able to come, and now he won't let me help.

I was wondering if any other LDR couples have had this situation, and how they overcame it. Also, maybe my perspective is wrong and I shouldn't pressure him to let me help. I'm just confused.

Thanks in advance!

[Ella85]

My SO doesn't like borrowing money from me. But I did pay for his march trip as his Christmas present. Mostly I said to him we are in this together and I want him to be able to visit. If he really isn't comfortable you could suggest loaning him the money? See how he takes that. But some men won't borrow money from their SO, it's not because he doesn't love you it's because he has strong values. The reason I don't have an issue with lending him money is because we are in a committed relationship and I trust him to pay me back (he always has). I have always trusted him because he has strong values.

[Unicorn26]

I have had the exact same problem with my SO. In the end I went to visit him, is that an option for you?

I totally share your frustrations, my SO is exactly the same. He will not entertain me paying for his flights and will not even allow me to loan him the money. It's putting us in a really difficult position as now we have no date when we are going to see each other again as he really needs to come and see me so my family can meet him. I have two children and I have to rely on family looking after them when I go visit him in USA because taking them with me is unaffordable. My family are supportive of my LDR but they want to meet him so they know what I'm greeting into and that's only fair.
Since Christmas though, things have got really bad. He's lost one of his jobs (the one that paid more, it had to be) and he's barely getting by so saving is impossible. I have plenty of money saved, I can pay for his ticket and I don't mind doing so as the most important thing for me is for us to spend time together in person again. I want to book my next trip but I can't until he's come here.

I understand that his intentions are good, he has strong values and likes to pay for things himself but to me, his refusal of help makes me think he doesn't want to come and see me. It's making me feel I'm way more emotionally invested than he is and it's making me very insecure in our relationship. His stubbornness is causing me a lot of pain and to me, if I was doing something that was causing pain to him I'd stop doing it immediately. A LDR is no place for macho pride or stubbornness. I have tried to get this through to him but I can't seem to get him to understand. We've been fighting a lot lately and it's really tough right now.

Sorry this hasn't been of much help, but all I would say is if he can't or won't come and see you, then go and see him. If he's in college accommodation, then see if you can rent a cottage or something for the week, or camp if the weather is good enough to do that.

Good luck with him and let me know if you have any breakthroughs with him. You're not alone in this xxx

[differentcountries]

SO was that for a long time. He is still VERY prideful about money, even if I earn a whole lot more than him and that is the situation for a lot of his friends with foreign girlfriends as well.

Right now, SO does not want to come to see me, because he feels so awful about me paying for it. My plan is to visit him (he does not mind that) and save up money for his trip in a seperate account and show him (among other things, I will only visit him a very short time in summer, to speed up my savings). I also plan to help him any way I can to make sure he can earn more money on his own, but sometimes life is like that. I try to not spend when I visit him, or even that much when we are apart. I really want to show him that I share his situation, so to speak. He thinks I am really good with money, which I am sometimes, but I could still be better. I am trying to be more like his (stingy) mum because I think he would respect me over it. I recently lost my job (nothing to do with me, just the company lost income so they can't afford to hire) but I plan to work hard to get another one as soon as I can. My long term plan is to buy a flat in Turkey, which I know he would really like, so I have to save and save for that to happen. I think the best one can do is to really show that in long term relationships, weather you officially merge accounts or not, economy is a shared effort.

[R&R]

A relationship is a partnership. Sometimes one is in a better situation whether it be financially, emotionally or physically. This is generally when your partner steps in to help balance things out. It's about give and take and sharing and being there for the other. You've been together 2 1/2 years and if you look back, you'll see this is true. I do think financially is the hardest one for people though.

Does he have a vehicle? I live in NH as well and I drive to my SO in IN (so I go right through OH) instead of flying. Especially with gas prices now, you can do round trip for under $120. If he's going to fly, it's usually cheaper to fly out of Boston instead of Manchester. Orbitz or Hotwire will usually get better deals over going by airline. I found tickets cheaper on Orbitz even over Southwest.

[sasad]

Agreed with R&R.. It's a partnership. I am anal about money and my so tends to pay for stuff because he can afford it easier. But we make compromises... If he buys a ticket, then I will cook and pay for food we eat. It all ends up working out with compromises.

[whatruckus]

My SO is the same way. I'm better off with money than he is, and sometimes it's a struggle to get him to understand that it's okay to have help. It's a pride thing. The times where I've had to help him out with money, I've literally told him that he doesn't have any option. Once was because the radiator in his car broke, and at the time, he needed his car for his job because he was a courier. So, I lent him money for that. Most recently, I paid for his fine for his insurance lapse (he got a ticket with a fine of almost $600). And, if he drove while his registration was suspended (if he didn't pay the fine on time), he probably would've gotten his car impounded and an even bigger ticket for driving with a suspended registration. So, I told him either I help him and pay the fine, or he's going to be stuck with even more fines and a $250 impound fee tacked on top. Now, he works at a prison, and there's not really any bus lines or trains close by (for obvious reasons if a prisoner escaped), so again...he needed his car to get to and from work.

Also, as suggested before, is there a way for you to go to him?

[TaraMarie]

I've been through it with my SO as well. My SO makes a GREAT income, but there are still times when money is tight. He comes home everynfriday night. I've purchased tickets without telling him, then I just send him the email confirmation. He gets mad but too bad. We are a partnership and it's my job to help when I can. This past weekend we were in Miami and his bag was stolen. His entire life was in that bag....credit cards, check book, passport, phone, iPods,....you name it (fortunately he had given me my valentines day gift the night before, or that would have been in there too). He had to cancel his debit card and couldn't open a new account until today. Meanwhile, his savings account was emptied by the thief and he still had to get back to NY with no money. I gave him my debit card from an extra account of mine to use. He was so upset and didn't want to take my money? He was being so foolish, but finally realized he had to get his car from the parking garage and needed to pay $120, so he had no choice. Fortunately he was able to get his new debit card today, however, men can be stubborn. He would have done the same thing for me.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I am in a similar situation with my SO, but the other way around. Money is tight for me and he had to pay much less for school so he has more to spare. We compromise for this by him coming to see me substantially more than I see him. We have also talked about the fact that now that he has a full-time job and I do not that he may help me come and see him. I have the time and he has the money, so that is what we'll have to do if we don't close the distance in the next 6 months like we're planning. Can you try to make him understand where you're coming from by saying something along the lines of "I would be spending this money on a plane ticket to come and see you anyways. I can't come because of X reason and you can come because of X reason, so please let me pay for a ticket that I would be getting anyways and make both of our lives a whole hell of a lot easier by you coming to me instead."

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I also forgot to mention that the idea of my boyfriend paying for my plane ticket makes me super uncomfortable. Money is such a touchy subject and I hate feeling like I can't talk care of myself, but the fact of the matter is that I can't. I've had to suck it up and admit that I can't afford to come and see him and since he can, it makes way more sense for him to buy my ticket for me. We've tried to make it light hearted by calling him my "sugar daddy" and making jokes that kind of ease the tension I feel. He doesn't want his ego to get bruised, which I get, but you could also make some sort of a deal like "I'll pay for your ticket now and in the summer you can pay for mine". That way he has more time to save up and still is saving face.

[Miasmata]

I paid for my SO's travel a few times, either fully or at least in part. I had a bunch of savings for leisure and he was just barely scraping by as a grad student, so I didn't mind taking the heavier part of the load. His parents have raised him to be a provider, you know, "the man in the house", so he was extremely uncomfortable about it at first. What worked for us was patience and understanding. I gave him time to get used to the idea, and I encouraged him to see us as a team where everyone does things to the best of their ability. He supported me in other ways, and I emphasized those so he didn't feel like he was a leech. I feel that a relationship really does mean you are a team, and everyone does what they can. Money is touchy for a lot of people, and I get that, but at the same time, other, less tangible things can be just as valuable and people just don't pay them as much mind. Letting my SO know that what he provides is just as valued did make a difference!