Starting to find it too hard to continue a relationship across countries !

[Shanjade]

I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 6 months and I live in London and he lives in Berlin. We met when he did a study abroad at my uni and then went back. At first it was okay and we saw each other once a month and it was good to have that distance at that time, but now I'm really falling in love with him and starting to find it harder to take this horrible feeling ! I'm trying to even get a placement in Berlin but that's proving difficult too ! We both said we would live together but I can't as I'm still at uni , if I wasn't I'd be there but I'll only finish uni in another 2 years and I don't know if I can do this for another 2 years ! Help!

[differentcountries]

Hi,

international relationship can be challenging. Time prospects can seem so hard, and they are if you look at them like big chunks of time. I used to feel horrible about the distance and I sometimes still do, but this is life as it is now and I would rather have this life with him than any life without him.

Actually visits once a once is good for an international relationship. We have had that for huge parts of our relationship and it was good for getting to know each other and finding out if this is something we want. Now we will not have the time and money to do that. We struggle with that setback and other things in our lives. Not all periods are good but they can still be worth having.

I don't know how much longer until SO and I can start to live closer, he is outside the EU and that poses challenges when he wants to move here. We just know that he will 2robably be in Turkey the next semester. MAYBE he can come for a longer stay in the late fall. Realistically, he can't come here on a work visa until the earliest April 2017, over 3 1/2 years after we first met. It hurts to know this, still it matters more that we do things that are good for us (focus on work, fixing money issues on either side, have visits, do not overstay any visas etc.)

The horrible feeling comes from thinking we have to do this "forever"; that is a dark, claustrophobic, suffocating feeling. But if you break it up, it may look more like; you are doing this and that to finish your academics, and then work towards moving to him. At least you have a sort of end date.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I've been with my SO two and a half years and so I know how hard an international LDR can be, especially when you are in school. You don't mention why he can't come to you? I know there are some options out there, so would this work for you two? If not, you need to remember that in the scheme of things two years in NOTHING. It's so hard when you're looking at it in front of you, but in my experience LD goes faster the longer you're together. I think it's probably because you get used to being LD, as shitty as that is. Regardless, knowing that you two can close the distance after two years is way more than many people have. Tuck that little nugget of information away to reflect on later when you aren't feeling so overwhelmed. You've already made it this far and you get to see each other fairly frequently. You can do it, and before you know it you two will be closing the distance!

[abna1]

We were in a similar situation. When I started uni we had been together for about 1,5 years and the thought of definitely being apart another 3-4 years was scary, but I have to say it's gone by really fast and now we're just left with one more year until we can (hopefully) close the distance. Keep visiting each other and concentrate on uni and your friends and family at home and I'm sure the time will fly by just as fast. Wish you all the best!

[Chris516]

I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 6 months and I live in London and he lives in Berlin. We met when he did a study abroad at my uni and then went back. At first it was okay and we saw each other once a month and it was good to have that distance at that time, but now I'm really falling in love with him and starting to find it harder to take this horrible feeling ! I'm trying to even get a placement in Berlin but that's proving difficult too ! We both said we would live together but I can't as I'm still at uni , if I wasn't I'd be there but I'll only finish uni in another 2 years and I don't know if I can do this for another 2 years ! Help!

My (ex)wife's step-sister met a guy during a study-abroad program. He is from Germany. She is from the U.S.. They now have two young kids. But that is a positive 'distance' story involving countries.

Until you are finished in two years. Can you n' he stay somewhere halfway between London n' Berlin? I was born in Berlin in the late 1960's. I lived in London for 2yrs. during the late 1970's. Personally, I would make every effort possible. To get out of London. The pollution in London is atrocious.

[thelittlepanda]

I know it is so freaking hard. but you have to pull through if you love him. YOU CAN DO IT. I only spent three physical days with my guy and yes, i would have loved more, but that's how our story started. Yeah we are on two different coasts now, but I fell in love with him anyway. If this guy makes you legitimately happy, regardless of your distance and whatnot, then stay in it. If you are falling for him and he has done nothing to hurt you, you trust him, and you genuinely can't wait to see him again, then fall for him. If it becomes to much to handle then make the decision then, but right now I know you just miss him and that's normal! Have a good cry, call him up and tell him how you feel. He could be feeling the same exact things as you!

[Unicorn26]

I once saw this quote and it really hit home for me....

DO NOT GIVE UP ON A DREAM BECAUSE OF THE TIME IT WILL TAKE TO ACCOMPLISH IT.
THE TIME WILL PASS ANYWAY.

Don't give up, believe me the time will pass faster than you think. Once you've got your head around things you will feel much better. I'm 3 years into ldr and I've spent a grand total of 10 days with my man. But, I would rather have that than not have him in my life at all. I'm not sure whether we will ever be able to close the distance but even if we can't, I would take a few extended visits a year than not having him. He's such a huge part of my life now and I will never give up on us.

[Miasmata]

Not everyone is cut out for an LDR, and that's okay! Some people can't or don't want to invest the time and effort to maintain things over the distance, and the time and effort it takes to eventually close the distance.

But if you both sincerely want to make it work? It's extremely likely you can. It's not "love finds a way", you two gotta find the way yourself, but it's very much possible if you both do what you can. Make plans, have goals, focus on your wellbeing inside and outside of the relationship. Life continues no matter what you do, but you can make it as good as possible under the circumstances, and have him along for the ride.