Communication issues

[VAtoOR]

My boyfriend moved to Oregon for grad school in August. We've been dating for four years and the past 6months have been long distance. We had discussed taking every other day on the phone/FaceTime, or at least every three days. I need to talk to feel connected but he's fine with just texting. We rarely talk every two to three days, sometimes going a week or two between talking. We text/use Facebook messenger every day. But for me talking on the phone is very important and gives a different level of connection than texting. I've stressed how important this is to me but he need telling me he's trying but doesn't have the time to talk on the phone. He says he's trying but with his schedule (he's working on his phd) he just doesn't have time. All I'm asking for is quick 5-10min phone calls. Am I being too demanding? How have other people dealt with this problem? Would long distance counseling help?

[Chris516]

I agree with you 100%!!!!

[R&R]

My boyfriend moved to Oregon for grad school in August. We've been dating for four years and the past 6months have been long distance. We had discussed taking every other day on the phone/FaceTime, or at least every three days. I need to talk to feel connected but he's fine with just texting. We rarely talk every two to three days, sometimes going a week or two between talking. We text/use Facebook messenger every day. But for me talking on the phone is very important and gives a different level of connection than texting. I've stressed how important this is to me but he need telling me he's trying but doesn't have the time to talk on the phone. He says he's trying but with his schedule (he's working on his phd) he just doesn't have time. All I'm asking for is quick 5-10min phone calls. Am I being too demanding? How have other people dealt with this problem? Would long distance counseling help?

It may have sounded realistic to talk every couple of days but he is now in the reality of schooling for his PhD and it is probably a lot more than he thought. I'm just going for my AA online and I took the entire week off of work just to I could dedicate more time to school. I can't even begin to imagine the workload he is dealing with. You want him to understand how important a call is to you - but are you being understanding of his workload and that his schooling is probably critical to your future as well as his?

He is communicating with you - just not in the method that you desire. You are going to have to compromise. Instead of every couple of days, he may need to look at his schedule and then have two days (Saturday and Wednesday or something) where it is set that you both make time for a phone call.

[Chris516]

It may have sounded realistic to talk every couple of days but he is now in the reality of schooling for his PhD and it is probably a lot more than he thought. I'm just going for my AA online and I took the entire week off of work just to I could dedicate more time to school. I can't even begin to imagine the workload he is dealing with. You want him to understand how important a call is to you - but are you being understanding of his workload and that his schooling is probably critical to your future as well as his?

He is communicating with you - just not in the method that you desire. You are going to have to compromise. Instead of every couple of days, he may need to look at his schedule and then have two days (Saturday and Wednesday or something) where it is set that you both make time for a phone call.

Agreed. I should have said that in my original reply. He may not communicate with her, at her pace.

But, Both sarcastically, and literally. When will the doctor be in. Enough to have a genuine conversation with her. Not at the same pace. But more than 'here and there', and 'every once in a while'. She may be asking a lot as to the pace of the communication. But he is the one who already had plans on getting his PhD. So, They both bear some responsibility in the situation. As the saying goes, 'it takes to to tango'. Well, If one is dancing the two-step, and the other is dancing the macarena. They have to straighten out, their dance moves.

[thelittlepanda]

I agree. Although sometimes he really may not have time for a phone call. I mean I have a friend in law school and she hardly has time to text me, but when she did finally call me it was like nothing had changed. Same goes for my boyfriend (he is in cali in the marines) and sometimes he doesn't have time to skype and god forbid i call him cause everytime i do he doesnt have time to talk to me, but everyday I fall in love with him more, and even though on some days or some weeks he cant talk that much I know that he cares and loves me. And you just have to give your man the benefit. Know that he cares and wants to make you happy, but he also has his career and schooling and whatnot.

[sasad]

It does take "Two to tango" ... But in any relationship people need to learn how to communicate and compromise. They both need to agree to be able to make it work for both. I agree with R&R.. Make a date at specific times. Plan to do something fun together via Skype if possible. Having set times makes things easier and less stressful. Plan your phone call and tell him just for 15 minutes. You will hopefully be surprised by how he may go beyond that limit, and it may be what he needs for a break. Working on a degree, jobs, kids...we all get overwhelm at some point.