Feeling down, lost, unsure

[TiffRN]

I am in a relationship going on 2 yrs, last October it was a year dealing with LDR. I have kids, 15 yr old who refuses to move and a 9 yr old who is okay with it but a father who says he'll fight me to make me stay. My guy has no children, but cannot find the type of work he does around where I live (small town), and there is a ton more opportunity where he is. I've thought about moving but my oldest doesn't want to live with her dad and I don't want to miss out on her life, but I also don't want to lose my guy. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, in every essence of the word. I just feel stuck, I go through scenarios in my head daily and I just make myself sick worrying about it. On one hand, my daughter isn't involved in a lot so being only 2 hrs away, I feel I could drive to what does come up, but I also don't want our relationship damaged or her feeling like I've left her. I'm a nurse and he's a respiratory therapist and our schedules just totally clash sometimes, sometimes leaving us only seeing each other once a month, twice if we're lucky. Any thoughts anyone? Or a similar situation?
T

[TheSteelAngel]

Welcome to LFAD! I actually have a coworker who is in the same situation as you. She chose to move with her boyfriend in Munster, IN and had her children stay with their dad in Kokomo, IN. She is now moving back to Kokomo because her mother is very sick and one of her daughters is moving away in April. She really gonna miss her boyfriend, but she wants to be with her family. I suggest that which ever decision you make, you choose your family's best interest in mind. You only get to spend so much time with your family after all. Good luck

[Chris516]

I am in a relationship going on 2 yrs, last October it was a year dealing with LDR. I have kids, 15 yr old who refuses to move and a 9 yr old who is okay with it but a father who says he'll fight me to make me stay. My guy has no children, but cannot find the type of work he does around where I live (small town), and there is a ton more opportunity where he is. I've thought about moving but my oldest doesn't want to live with her dad and I don't want to miss out on her life, but I also don't want to lose my guy. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, in every essence of the word. I just feel stuck, I go through scenarios in my head daily and I just make myself sick worrying about it. On one hand, my daughter isn't involved in a lot so being only 2 hrs away, I feel I could drive to what does come up, but I also don't want our relationship damaged or her feeling like I've left her. I'm a nurse and he's a respiratory therapist and our schedules just totally clash sometimes, sometimes leaving us only seeing each other once a month, twice if we're lucky. Any thoughts anyone? Or a similar situation?
T

What is your daughter's reason for not wanting to move, since she doesn't want live with her dad?

As for their father. Unless he is an ex-con, alcoholic, drug addict, gambler, or workaholic. Then I am behind him 100%. Because, I know, both as a parent, and as a kid. What it is like to be separated by distance.

From 3(1970)-17(1984)yrs.-old, I lived 930-5,000mi. from my dad. Only getting see him during the summer. It felt like a prison sentence. For two of those fourteen years, while my dad lived in Washington, D.C., my mother had sole custody and took my younger brother n' I to live in London(UK). But I had no choice in the matter.

Unless you have a restraining order against your kids' father, don't go.

[Miasmata]

Chris, before you pass this harsh kinda judgement again, maybe the mother should figure out why exactly the child doesn't want to live with the dad. Sometimes it can just be kids being kids, but there could also be valid reasons for it that deserve to be listened to. You don't need to have a restraining order against someone for them to be an issue in some way. Not everyone is like you, please stop assuming that so often, and you don't know the dad personally either.

[JeanJean]

I am in a somewhat similar situation. My kids are 13yrs and 8 yrs old. When their dad found out I was in a LDR the first response was you're not taking my kids out of the state.

I think that if the time comes, it would be up to a judge to decide.
For now my SO and I agree that it's not the right time to close the distance, we're taking it slow, especially because of the effect it would have on the kids.
As far as the father is concerned, each relationship between a parent and child is different. My father was never abusive, or drunk or any other obvious negative thing. He would ignore me, I got very little attention from him and the attention I did get was in criticism. I'm not saying you're ex is like this, only that there are many reasons why your daughter wouldn't want to stay with him, not all have to be extreme.

[Unicorn26]

I have kids too, girls aged 11 and 7 so similar age difference to yours.

How often do your kids see their dad? Do they have a good relationship with him?

I totally understand that you don't want to upset your oldest, but it's your life and although our children are our first priority, they cannot be allowed to decide what happens in every aspect of your life. If she refuses to move yet also refuses to live with her father, the way I see it as an outsider she is being controlling. 2 hours away is really not that far, she can easily see her dad at the weekend if you meet halfway. You're the adult here, the decision maker and the provider.

I'm pretty strict with my kids, they were not keen on my new relationship in the early days, my eldest in particular did not take it well. I had to sit down with her and be pretty firm about stuff, I explained that it's my life and I deserve to be happy. I also explained that after all I had been through with her father, there is NO WAY I would have even thought about entering into another relationship unless I thought that he was nothing less than perfect for ALL of us. I also said I was not prepared to spend the rest of my life alone just because she doesn't like the idea of me being with someone other than her father. That's not her decision to make. It's mine.

I'm sorry that your ex is being so difficult, but that fact is he can fight you all he likes but he cannot stop you moving. You can do whatever you like it's not his call. My ex is always threatening me like that, he said he will make sure I never move to USA to be with my SO, the stupid thing is I would never do that. I would never take my kids that far away from their father. I would never leave them either.

How does your SO feel about waiting until your eldest is older before you make the move to be with him? Maybe when she's left home or gone off to university? I think a family discussion is needed here so you can all get your feelings out and decide what the best option is going forward.

In summary, in my opinion, although children are our first priority, they cannot be allowed to decide what happens in such major events. It doesn't give them a realistic outlook. Life is not fair, sometimes things happen that we don't like and we just have to suck it up, pull up our big girl pants and deal with it. The sooner kids learn this the better, it makes them more rounded, balanced individuals.

Remember this. You deserve to be happy, you will be a better mother for it.

[R&R]

I was in somewhat similar situation. My daughters were 12 & 13 at the time. My move was much larger of a distance - NH to CA, so 3,000 miles. The girls did not want to move and their father would have fought me tooth and nail to keep the kids with him. We were able to go through mediation to make it work. I had the girls full blessing to move. However, 18 months later I was back in NH and divorced shortly after. I could not be away from my kids. They are only kids once, and even in that 18 months I missed things I won't get back.

I say this in the nicest way possible, but you are only 2 hours apart. That is something that is definitely workable until the kids get older. Your daughter probably doesn't want to change schools, leave her friends, etc. You definitely need to know the why and take it into consideration.

As far as the courts go, chances are they are going to side with dad. YOU are making the choice to move. As long as Dad has been playing a consistent role in their life, the judge isn't going to want to uproot the kids from their dad and everything they have known for a you to go move because your bf is 2 hours away. That's just life and how the courts work.

[whatruckus]

What is your daughter's reason for not wanting to move, since she doesn't want live with her dad?

As for their father. Unless he is an ex-con, alcoholic, drug addict, gambler, or workaholic. Then I am behind him 100%. Because, I know, both as a parent, and as a kid. What it is like to be separated by distance.

From 3(1970)-17(1984)yrs.-old, I lived 930-5,000mi. from my dad. Only getting see him during the summer. It felt like a prison sentence. For two of those fourteen years, while my dad lived in Washington, D.C., my mother had sole custody and took my younger brother n' I to live in London(UK). But I had no choice in the matter.

Unless you have a restraining order against your kids' father, don't go.

Well first, if you read all the details in her post. She'd only be moving 2 hours away. Quite a huge difference to what happened to you when you were growing up. Two hours is nothing. My SO is less than 2 hours away and I was able to see him every weekend, no problem.

I also don't understand why OP would have to sacrifice her happiness because her child is acting a little bit selfish (or so it seems without all the details right now). Her kid doesn't want to move, but then she doesn't want to live with her father. Then where should OP live with her kids? In your case, yes, the move didn't work out for you. But, there's many other stories of families where it did work out. Even when one of the parents moved with the children and the children were totally fine with it. You can't base everything, and all your advice given here, on your bad experiences.

I agree with everyone else though. Find out why she doesn't want to live her dad. But, also be prepared if the move does not happen until they're older. At your daughters age, she's pretty much already established her life where you currently live. Friends, school, etc. She's comfortable. It's not that easy to make friends when you move high schools. My brother's boyfriend's parents moved from NJ to IN when one of his brothers was just starting high school. His 2 brothers hated the move and had a hard time making friends. One was 14, and I believe the other was like 11 or 12. This was like 3 years ago. They got picked on by the other kids. The kids also didn't want to move to begin with, but their mom grew up in IN and thought it was going to be better. It turned out it kinda wasn't. Now, they're moving...again. To another town in IN. They tend to move a lot when things don't go their way.

[Moon]

Guys, you seem to be forgetting what it's like to be 15. It's pretty brutal for a 15 year old to have to switch high schools, going from a place where she has established friendships, maybe from childhood, activities, groups she belongs to, and hopefully most of all, acceptance. Throwing her into a new school, where she's alone at a time when friendship means everything, and is developing the kind of adult she'll be, is awful. She's 15, wait the few years until she's done school. The teen isn't the selfish one here, in my opinion. No, you don't have to cater to your teen's whims, but you do sacrifice your own happiness sometimes for the sake of what really is best for your child. She's only got a few years let, then the OP can do what she wants. We're not taking about a spoiled kid, we're talking, in this case, about a normal one who is established where she is. And, if her father is involved, it's pretty unfair to move her away from him.

As a single mom of a now adult, you don't always get to do what you want, and when reasonable, the kids needs (not wants, needs) come first.

[whatruckus]

Guys, you seem to be forgetting what it's like to be 15. It's pretty brutal for a 15 year old to have to switch high schools, going from a place where she has established friendships, maybe from childhood, activities, groups she belongs to, and hopefully most of all, acceptance. Throwing her into a new school, where she's alone at a time when friendship means everything, and is developing the kind of adult she'll be, is awful. She's 15, wait the few years until she's done school. The teen isn't the selfish one here, in my opinion. No, you don't have to cater to your teen's whims, but you do sacrifice your own happiness sometimes for the sake of what really is best for your child. She's only got a few years let, then the OP can do what she wants. We're not taking about a spoiled kid, we're talking, in this case, about a normal one who is established where she is. And, if her father is involved, it's pretty unfair to move her away from him.

As a single mom of a now adult, you don't always get to do what you want, and when reasonable, the kids needs (not wants, needs) come first.

Yeah. That's why I used the example of my brother's boyfriend's brothers. They had trouble making friends, and they both got picked on in their new schools. They hated their mom for making them move for a while. Now, one is graduating this year, and the other is already in high school...and they're set to move...again. I feel bad for them.

[sasad]

What is your daughter's reason for not wanting to move, since she doesn't want live with her dad?

As for their father. Unless he is an ex-con, alcoholic, drug addict, gambler, or workaholic. Then I am behind him 100%. Because, I know, both as a parent, and as a kid. What it is like to be separated by distance.

From 3(1970)-17(1984)yrs.-old, I lived 930-5,000mi. from my dad. Only getting see him during the summer. It felt like a prison sentence. For two of those fourteen years, while my dad lived in Washington, D.C., my mother had sole custody and took my younger brother n' I to live in London(UK). But I had no choice in the matter.

Unless you have a restraining order against your kids' father, don't go.

wow... and you are also a parent??? Restraining order? Oh my gosh. I have kids n' I would never think that way. ever.

[Unicorn26]

Great to see so many different points of view here.

As a teenager, we moved around a lot as a family with my dad's job, I went to four different high schools. I'm not saying it was easy because it wasn't, but it wasn't earth shattering either. If anything, I think it helped me make friends easier, opened my mind and made me a stronger person. That's just my personal experience though. Maybe I'm a bit of a gypsy at heart because I love travelling and experiencing new places. If I didn't have kids I'd be living abroad somewhere now and probably moving on a regular basis.

I echo what some of the others have said. 2 hours away really is nothing compared to some of us on here but I'm not making light of your situation, if you're away from your loved one any distance is horrible. If your SO doesn't have the ties of children is there any reason why he can't come and visit you more often? That would seem to be the most practical and logical solution for the time being.

[TiffRN]

I'm going to shed a little more light on this. I left my ex in 2013, it was the 3rd and final time I left, knew I was never going back. He is a drinker and was when I met him but escalated through our marriage. I was an enabler, and that nurse in me wanted to fix him, ...you cant help people who dont want to be helped, and finally after finding him at another woman's house...supposedly "talking" I left. After I got involved with my SO several months later and after our divorve was final, he went nuts, stalked me, called me all hours of the night and texting...it was awful. I had a PFS order against him from July 2014 through December 2015. My kids see him every other weekend and Thursdays now, and I have residential custody.. He pays no child support and doesn't even attempt to help with their expenses. So, through the year of 2014 and even up to last Summer alot of shit has happened. My kids have dealt with being left alone, a drunk passed out father, someone who belittles them, they have both seen him passed out naked, not to mention multiple other things....my oldest he has told she is a disappointment because she's like me, she acts like a victim etc etc when he's upset with her....all things I as well endured through our marriage. After he was threatened with losing them and only saw them 4 days a month for 3 months, and it is court ordered he cannot drink, things have improved some. This is just a basic outline so you all know what we're dealing with here. He's a POS and I hate him for what he did to our kids....I got out...they can't. Like me, he always apologizes for what he does, then lours them back in. Plus during the 3 month span when they only saw him 4 days a month, their Grandma was calling my oldest and telling her things like, "You dont want to move do you? You'll break your dad's heart. You don't just want every other weekend do you? Your dad deserves more time than that, your all he has" This from a woman herself has been married 4 times and knows manipulation at its finest. She rarely called my kids...I'm talking 1 phone call maybe every 4 or 5 months and suddenly when hes at risk for losing them, she's calling my daughter 1-2 times a week and this lasted until we had the final custody hearing ..and now she's back to maybe 1 call every 3-4 months..point being she manipulated my then 13 yr old daughter and made her feel guilty. I'm still angry for what he did to our kids, up until last Summer my youngest bawled every time she had to go. She still doesn't understand why they have to go when they do. He also smokes, and they smell terrible them they return (just a pet peave). My SO says he'll wait for me, that he'll be patiently waiting, but it doesn't ease the pain. Its easy when your in a shitty marriage to put up with shit and never seeing your spouse because I didn't want to be with him anyway, now that I have someone I want to be around...I can't be and it sucks. I don't know if I could live without my daughter, and the question was just more for support in hearing what others are dealing with...I have no intention of making her move, its more about me moving or waiting til she graduates to move.

[JeanJean]

I'm going to shed a little more light on this. I left my ex in 2013, it was the 3rd and final time I left, knew I was never going back. He is a drinker and was when I met him but escalated through our marriage. I was an enabler, and that nurse in me wanted to fix him, ...you cant help people who dont want to be helped, and finally after finding him at another woman's house...supposedly "talking" I left. After I got involved with my SO several months later and after our divorve was final, he went nuts, stalked me, called me all hours of the night and texting...it was awful. I had a PFS order against him from July 2014 through December 2015. My kids see him every other weekend and Thursdays now, and I have residential custody.. He pays no child support and doesn't even attempt to help with their expenses. So, through the year of 2014 and even up to last Summer alot of shit has happened. My kids have dealt with being left alone, a drunk passed out father, someone who belittles them, they have both seen him passed out naked, not to mention multiple other things....my oldest he has told she is a disappointment because she's like me, she acts like a victim etc etc when he's upset with her....all things I as well endured through our marriage. After he was threatened with losing them and only saw them 4 days a month for 3 months, and it is court ordered he cannot drink, things have improved some. This is just a basic outline so you all know what we're dealing with here. He's a POS and I hate him for what he did to our kids....I got out...they can't. Like me, he always apologizes for what he does, then lours them back in. Plus during the 3 month span when they only saw him 4 days a month, their Grandma was calling my oldest and telling her things like, "You dont want to move do you? You'll break your dad's heart. You don't just want every other weekend do you? Your dad deserves more time than that, your all he has" This from a woman herself has been married 4 times and knows manipulation at its finest. She rarely called my kids...I'm talking 1 phone call maybe every 4 or 5 months and suddenly when hes at risk for losing them, she's calling my daughter 1-2 times a week and this lasted until we had the final custody hearing ..and now she's back to maybe 1 call every 3-4 months..point being she manipulated my then 13 yr old daughter and made her feel guilty. I'm still angry for what he did to our kids, up until last Summer my youngest bawled every time she had to go. She still doesn't understand why they have to go when they do. He also smokes, and they smell terrible them they return (just a pet peave). My SO says he'll wait for me, that he'll be patiently waiting, but it doesn't ease the pain. Its easy when your in a shitty marriage to put up with shit and never seeing your spouse because I didn't want to be with him anyway, now that I have someone I want to be around...I can't be and it sucks. I don't know if I could live without my daughter, and the question was just more for support in hearing what others are dealing with...I have no intention of making her move, its more about me moving or waiting til she graduates to move.

After reading the details, I can understand why your daughter wouldn't want to stay with him. I don't think that being with him would be a safe environment for her either. He seems to be very unstable, and although you said he's made an effort to change I have seen these types of changes be very short lived.

I was married twice and have one child with each of my exs. I usually simplify by combining them as one "dad" and honestly they are so much alike that it's not a big stretch.
Both of them are also drinkers, I can understand your situation very well.
I tried to hold on to my second marriage for the kids. Especially my son, who I didn't want to hurt with another divorce. Only to find out that his stepfather had been verbally abusive to him most of his life. My son didn't want to say anything for fear of my defending him and getting hit by my ex. Unfortunately his bio dad isn't much better. He would go weeks without picking up his child for weekend visits, leaving a hurt and disappointed child asking me why his dad forgot him.
I took the kids to meet my SO last Thanksgiving. Before we went my son actually resented him. He'd say you have me mom, why do you need some strange guy, or make comments about how he didn't want to visit Indiana because it was probably boring.
After spending the weekend and getting to know SO, he didn't want to come home. He even said to me that he had never seen me celebrate Thanksgiving, help prepare the dinner, and not get all stressed out and crazy. Then he said "I know it's because of him, and I'm happy that you have him mom."

All this to say your daughter is at an age where moving, and leaving friends behind is devastating. But you need to find your happiness, and she needs to understand that moving isn't something done to hurt her, but to help you.
I know first hand that alcoholics are abusive, it is hard to break that chain of codependency. Now that you have, it is very reasonable for you to want a fresh start with a man who has been loving and supportive.

I would love to close the distance with my SO, I know exactly how you feel.
I would however get some legal advice, I don't know if your ex could pull some nonsense should you just take the kids without his parental consent..

[Chris516]

wow... and you are also a parent??? Restraining order? Oh my gosh. I have kids n' I would never think that way. ever.

Think what way?