Feeling down, lost, unsure

[sasad]

wow.. You have been through a lot! Congrats on being strong enough to leave him!
I also have 3 children.. My youngest is only 10, the other two are over 18. Experts say that it is much harder for tweens to deal with parental separation than younger or older kids. Your kids have had a lot of trauma. And its hard to process their parent being an ass. They love their parents and to see them drunk, naked and in other inappropriate situations is extremely difficult. Separating that behavior and loving them is way too much .. especially when they are hitting puberty age. Enough crap going on with hormones etc.. add crazy grandma to the mix and BOOM!
Have they spent time with your so?
I agree as well that you don't let your children decide how to live your life. If your partner is respectful, caring and considerate, then it should be ok. Remember they saw YOU hurt and things they shouldn't see.. They will want to protect you and themselves. Two hours really is not so far that you can do weekend trips etc. Start to plan things together..maybe day trips and moving on. Let your kids warm up more and see how you are happy. I also see the other side and trying to keep the kids stable. I just cant agree to cutting out a partner. My custody agreement says my son cant leave VA unless we both agree. I can howerer, move anywhere I wasn't in VA. Not sure how your agreement is written.
My SO was introduced as another friend. It took about a month, but my son saw how caring Adam is, and actually pushed us together and made us go a date. I am extremely lucky that they get along so well, and my son doesn't feel threatened or displaced. Time fixes a lot of stuff. I am sure yours will all work out

[whatruckus]

Think what way?

That the only reason (in your mind) she could move is if her ex was abusive and she had a restraining order.

And, wouldn't you know it, he is abusive and he's an asshole.

[TiffRN]

My girls have met my SO, we've been on vacations, trips etc together. Then their father tells them things like, He's not your family, he shouldn't be going on vacation with you, or he's not your dad so you don't have to care about him. They are confused and hurt because of these things. They want to please me, they want to please their dad and he is meanwhile being an ass. He got angry with my 9 yr old because she didn't want to go to his house on one of the Thursdays a few weeks ago, so they make up excuses instead of telling him the truth to avoid his backlash. It makes the situation worse between their father and I. I've thought about trying to sit us all down to talk, but I fear for what he will say to them after its all said and done. I just don't know....I'm trying to let go and let God but it's easier said than done.

[whatruckus]

OP, I really do hope you're able to come to some sort of solution for all of you. Your ex might be their birth father, but he's definitely not their real father from what you told us. I don't think your daughter should be any where near him, or any of your kids for that matter. He's only trying to "change" because he now realizes that you mean business. I think once he realizes that you're staying, he's just going to go back to how he was: a POS.

My ex wasn't like that, but he still was an asshole. Belittled me every chance he got and always cheated. Whenever he broke up with me and saw me having fun, he'd get upset and come back to me, and then things would be "good" for a short while...before he went back to being an asshole and doing the same shit.

I'm not saying that you should move, just because of what I explained in my other posts, but I really don't think your children should be spending any time with him. And maybe try to block Grandma's calls, because she doesn't really care about your kids. Her interest is her son. Not much of a Grandma either, in my opinion.

You guys really don't deserve what he's doing. He's being a selfish brat.

[Moon]

God isn't going to help you with this, but a certified mediator might. Have you thought about using one? It's someone who will mediate sit-downs between you and your ex, it might just be me, but I'd avoid adding in the children at first, and see how it goes with working things out. Having someone there who has no biases toward either of you can help keep things civil, and even might help you both to see things differently. It helps keep things fair and on a level playing field.

[TiffRN]

We had a mediator and in the end, when the choice was made for every other weekend and Thursdays, you know what he told me? He felt the girls (meaning my oldest daughter, the little one wouldn't talk) felt empathy for their dad, because I told him he had put them on a guilt trip. He not only was a shitty mediator in my opinion but he did not help them choose what was best, and he was well aware of all that had happened. My girls wanted to speak to the judge but it wasn't allowed. Its just a screwed up situation

[whatruckus]

We had a mediator and in the end, when the choice was made for every other weekend and Thursdays, you know what he told me? He felt the girls (meaning my oldest daughter, the little one wouldn't talk) felt empathy for their dad, because I told him he had put them on a guilt trip. He not only was a shitty mediator in my opinion but he did not help them choose what was best, and he was well aware of all that had happened. My girls wanted to speak to the judge but it wasn't allowed. Its just a screwed up situation

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Is there anything else that you'd be able to do? I mean, what the hell, usually they side with the mother. Especially when they see that the dad is POS.

[Moon]

We had a mediator and in the end, when the choice was made for every other weekend and Thursdays, you know what he told me? He felt the girls (meaning my oldest daughter, the little one wouldn't talk) felt empathy for their dad, because I told him he had put them on a guilt trip. He not only was a shitty mediator in my opinion but he did not help them choose what was best, and he was well aware of all that had happened. My girls wanted to speak to the judge but it wasn't allowed. Its just a screwed up situation

Was that court ordered? I'm talking about an independent mediator, and without your children. You have to choose what's best for them. Regardless if your ex is a POS or not, you still have to work with him as long as the courts enforce visitation. You can either do it with anger and bitterness, with a lot of fighting, or you can try to be as logical and dispassionate as possible, without letting raw emotion get the best of you. Staying calm and reasonable will only benefit you in the end, and make him seem like the bad guy.

[sasad]

Was that court ordered? I'm talking about an independent mediator, and without your children. You have to choose what's best for them. Regardless if your ex is a POS or not, you still have to work with him as long as the courts enforce visitation. You can either do it with anger and bitterness, with a lot of fighting, or you can try to be as logical and dispassionate as possible, without letting raw emotion get the best of you. Staying calm and reasonable will only benefit you in the end, and make him seem like the bad guy.

That is so damn hard to do when you are dealing with an asshat.... There is no working with some people.. It takes two and when the other party is stupid and refuses, there isn't anything you can do. Courts enforce visitation. Too bad they cant enforce shitty attitudes. Only thing I got out of it AFTER going to court was.. Mr X. you need to start working with your ex in the best interest of the children. No one gets thrown in jail or punished. Its almost a joke.

Sigh.....

[Moon]

That is so damn hard to do when you are dealing with an asshat.... There is no working with some people.. It takes two and when the other party is stupid and refuses, there isn't anything you can do. Courts enforce visitation. Too bad they cant enforce shitty attitudes. Only thing I got out of it AFTER going to court was.. Mr X. you need to start working with your ex in the best interest of the children. No one gets thrown in jail or punished. Its almost a joke.

Sigh.....

Yes, I agree, and am twice divorced myself, but remember that on here we only get one side of a story I went all through the domestic relations system with my first ex and daughter, and he was a drug addict and alcoholic, so I'm very aware of the hardships that can be faced in these situations. You should have heard the stories my ex told about me, none of it true, but people believed him for a while. Not saying at all that's the OP's case, just saying. Besides, taking the higher road and not playing into emotions and revenge are very good things for your kids to see.

Even, and maybe especially, if he doesn't work with you, but you've done your ethical best, you win in the end, and the ex looks like the one at fault to everybody, and your kids will know it as they grow up.

[hmrambling]

My sister's ex-husband attempted to kill her and himself in 2008. He was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. The court system ordered supervised visitation. He eventually stopped visiting the kids because he didn't want to be supervised during visits.

After years of not visiting his kids, he retained an attorney to defend him and argue that he is not the person that he was, and that he has improved himself. The court worked toward getting unsupervised visits with the kids even though he did not comply with all of the stipulations in the court order... including not returning them on the days that he was scheduled to following the visits.

He now has unsupervised visits. My niece saw her father for who he is, and refuses to see him. She hasn't seen him over a year now, and her dad doesn't express interest in seeing her.

The dad doesn't set rules or guidelines for the son, and does not follow through with co-parenting as ordered by the court.

Most people would find it hard to believe that this man has unsupervised visits with his children. I do. However, in so many cases, the court system works toward the father being a part of the children's lives.

I believe our court systems are not fair at all. My sister's ex-husband remarried a woman who defends her husband's actions, all the while he got a court order for my sister's boyfriend to have limited contact with the kids. The dad calls DCFS when the boyfriend has any contact with the kids. The dad also calls the police when wants "wellness checks" performed on the house, and my sister has the police drop in the house at random times. This has gone on for years.

So, dad gets unsupervised visits, remarries, gets a court order saying my sister's boyfriend should have limited contact with her children, and only sees one of the children while refusing contact with the other child.

Court systems are not fair. It is incumbent on the parent to do all that he/she can that is in the best interests of the child. Left to the court system, things don't always work out the way that one would think that they would.

A court ordered psych eval stated that my sister's ex-husband is a ticking time bomb. I have a hard time believing that what is happening in this family is really for the best interests of the kids. As a parent, you really have to do what you think is right for your kids. In the end, if the court disagrees with you, then you have a court order to comply with.

Soooo to the person who said that unless he's a ex-con, alcoholic, drug addict, gambler, or workaholic, you are behind him 100%, you'll find that I didn't say that my sister's ex-husband is any of those things. He is a crazy person who tried to kill his ex-wife and himself (of which he was not convicted), and he verbally, emotionally, and physically abused his family. I'm certain he appreciates your support. Glad to hear someone is behind him, because I certainly am not.

[sasad]

Yes, I agree, and am twice divorced myself, but remember that on here we only get one side of a story I went all through the domestic relations system with my first ex and daughter, and he was a drug addict and alcoholic, so I'm very aware of the hardships that can be faced in these situations. You should have heard the stories my ex told about me, none of it true, but people believed him for a while. Not saying at all that's the OP's case, just saying. Besides, taking the higher road and not playing into emotions and revenge are very good things for your kids to see.

Even, and maybe especially, if he doesn't work with you, but you've done your ethical best, you win in the end, and the ex looks like the one at fault to everybody, and your kids will know it as they grow up.

Well said! And yes, we do get the satisfaction of being the better person.. and our kids know it. That in itself makes it better for me, mentally.

[strongheart]

I have been with my SO for five years. We live two and a half hours awayfrom each other, both work full time and he works weekends too. I have three girls and he has three boys. My youngest is 14 and his is 10. We agree we can't be together for at least six or seven years when we will be almost in our sixties. It wouldn't be fair to uproot them from their schools and friends and most specifically their other parent.

We see each other for weekends and holidays when my daughters go to their dad's. His boys live with their mum. If I was to move to be near him I know my girls would miss me and resent him. Although it's hard I can wait til my girls are older and settled in their own lives. Meanwhile SO and I miss each other but cherish our time together. We don't know when we can be together or where we will live but respect the fact that for now our children need stability and continuity. We will get there in the end!

[sasad]

I have been with my SO for five years. We live two and a half hours awayfrom each other, both work full time and he works weekends too. I have three girls and he has three boys. My youngest is 14 and his is 10. We agree we can't be together for at least six or seven years when we will be almost in our sixties. It wouldn't be fair to uproot them from their schools and friends and most specifically their other parent.

We see each other for weekends and holidays when my daughters go to their dad's. His boys live with their mum. If I was to move to be near him I know my girls would miss me and resent him. Although it's hard I can wait til my girls are older and settled in their own lives. Meanwhile SO and I miss each other but cherish our time together. We don't know when we can be together or where we will live but respect the fact that for now our children need stability and continuity. We will get there in the end!

I so feel your pain. My youngest is 10. My ex won't let me move him, which frustrates me as he let HIS ex move almost 300 miles away. But I do think we need to do what is best for the kids, especially at this age. My SO is wonderful and they get along wonderfully when we are together here. Spring break is going to be the first time we all meet in Fl. (Woooooooooot Legoland)So we will see how that goes.

Now, to figure out how to tell my ex I am taking my son own vaca in 3 weeks or so... And yes, the custody papers say I can take him out of state, just not out of the country without permission.

[sasad]

Think what way?

About being behind him 100% and saying the only reason to move is a restraining order. About it being a prison sentence for some reason, during visitation for you etc. Do you remember being 3? Being a preteen girl is a difficult time in a girls life... Do you have any girls you raised full time ? OPs child is having a rough time. Staying with an obnoxious dad isn't going to fix that or anything.

I'm sorry any child has to go through separations, but like my sons have told me, it's better now. No arguing etc., and we can all talk and discuss things normally. That is how it should be. Unfortunately, some people hold grudges and can't get past stuff.