How different is it?

[Cup]

Hello!
Second post here, check out my first in introduction!

Me and my SO have been talking daily on Skype/whatsapp since September. We talk about everything. I am literally struggling to find something about him I do not like. He seems so perfect. I am aware of course that the distance does make it easier to show off our 'perfect' selves, but seriously, how different is it?

How different was your SO when you closed the distance? How did you make the choice? How many visits did it take?

I'm sure you got my vibe,
Cup

[Mims27]

Hi there and welcome to LFAD.

Well it all depends on the couple I guess and the situations...
Have you met already?
What are you both looking to get out of this relationship?
Have you talked about closing the distance?
How far are you from each other?

For my SO and I we discussed those things pretty early on but we didn't actually close the distance for over 5 years. We talked about which country made the most sense for us to live in and we chose mine. We got married and we were still long distance. We had A LOT of visits before we closed the distance, so my SO wasn't any different when we finally did. Living with her is the best thing that's happened to me.

[differentcountries]

Yes, it is often like that in the beginning. The first 6 months I thought he was the most perfect man ever, I felt like I stumbled into a fairytale. Then we had more visits and I got to know him more, his strong sides, his weak sides, like you do in a long term relationship. I still love him and adore him, but I know him better and I know he is not perfect. However, I think he is a good man for me and I can deal with his issues.

We have not closed the distance, but we have had periods where I saw him very often and we also had 3 1 month long visits, rented together 2 seasons and have owned cats. So, we have basically lived together part time. Now that is not possible and it is kind of hellish getting used to much longer periodes between visits. But that is how it will be for a while now. He works season, so there is a chance he can come for a longer visit this year, 2-3 months. I am in between jobs, so I will go and see him now for 10 days while waiting for job application replies.

For us, closing the distance proper will take a lot of time and visits. We need to better our finances, and that means limiting the visits and getting more work. We also need to sort out the visa issues. Our long term plans are for him to move to my country, but also to buy a house in his country and spend a lot of vacaton time there. I am currently learning his language (I am at advanced beginner's level) and he has started to learn mine. There are cultural differences but I feel they can be worked at. His best friend is trying to move to my city and once that happens, I think that will be more motivation for him to also move here.

[R&R]

It really depends on the people and how much time real communication you have before you move. If you only talk about superficial things and then move, you may be very surprised at what living with someone is like. But even when dating CD, once you move in with someone, things can be very different.

My ex-husband and I only had a total of 3 visits, for a total of about 2 weeks, before I moved. As far as living together, we transitioned very smoothly. We had multiple conversations about expectations and some of our quirks before the move.

[Cup]

Thank you for your replies!

We haven't talked about closing the distance, we haven't even defined the relationship. Both our finances are in miserable shape and both lives are so unstable. We do talk about things that matter and how we see life etc but it is kind of hard "tip-toeing" around the "relationship status" subject. I am sure we will get to it pretty soon as his finances are getting a bit better so i am hoping for a visit soon. If that happens, I am positive we will talk about where we are heading. We act like we are in a relationship and to be honest we are, it's just that we don't talk about the future yet, How can we when we have no idea where we are going to be or what we are going to do? We met in my country when we were both working. Never lost touch since then, i visited late December, stayed for 10 days.

Other than that, i know it's the "honey moon" phase and in LDRs it tends to last longer, but i really can't see a really bad characteristic of this man. I am sure that if we ever move in together of course there will be issues, but in general we have the same point of views on subjects that matter. I am in my mid 30's he's in his early 40's, we have both been through a number of relationships to pretty much know what we want. I am trying to focus on when our next visit will be. To the subject again, i don't believe in perfect people, i for sure am not one, so i can't wait to find out his bad sides. From what i've gathered up till now, i think i can handle his bad sides because if i couldn't they would have came up till now.


Some days are harder than others,
Cup

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Well as far as finding a bad side to someone, I find that it's substantially easier to always be happy while in a LDR. I have been CD with my boyfriend ~6 months at a time twice. During that time we lived together. We had been dating a ~6 months when we became LD for the first time, so I knew him fairly well before we became LD. That being said, living together definitely brought out sides that each of us had never seen. We really had to work on our relationship a lot more when we were CD when we are LD. Our fights were over stupid things that taught us about how to interact with each other on a daily basis. I saw sides of him that I never had before.

We very very very rarely fight while LD. There just isn't anything to fight about when we're LD, to be honest. When you're talking to someone an hour a day it's really easy to put on your good side for them. When you literally can't be apart from them because you're in a one bedroom apartment and you have no space to yourself that is a whooooooooole different story. So I guess my point is: it is different, pretty different depending upon the person. Being LD you don't see quite as many of those "I'm really stressed and going to flip out at you because you left a cup in the sink" moments, but that doesn't mean that you don't get to know the person well enough to fix those moments when they do arise.

[C.C.]

There just isn't anything to fight about when we're LD, to be honest. When you're talking to someone an hour a day it's really easy to put on your good side for them.

I agree that it depends on a person too. For example, if you talk with your SO for hours everyday, it'd be easy to lose it at moments because of your own stress. And also, if communication happens by text, it's harder to get things the way they were meant at times.
Let alone the fact that in person you see how they react to things and what their expressions are like every time, so some things might be opposite, and get better.

Well this is just my opinion, though, and I haven't even met in person with my SO, I am just judging this from my former close distance relationship, where all the issues would appear when we were talking online, and rarely irl (I didn't live with them though, of course). And those issues I could see in chats were quite alarming and on much deeper level, whereas, everyday issues like that might not even harm anything.

But it really really depends on individuals.

[Cup]

I can understand the difficulties that may arise when you are living with another human being. I have moved in with one of my exs, I've had roomates too. I honestly can't imagine breaking up with someone over a cup in the sink though. I can see how different one can be through Skype. Like, my guy seems very patient, but it's different as you say, when you are in each others feet the whole day, sometimes you can get impatient and sometimes it may be a cup's fault (pun not intended ). It's good though that he shows signs of patience that already exceed my standards. I've been in a couple of mental abusive relationships and this one seems so nice.

I want to spend more time with him to see all these, i want us to get into fights over dirty dishes, i want to see how we fight. That is really important to me, being able to sort out a disagreement, even over the most stupidest thing. But to go back to the question, up till now i haven't seen any dealbreakers. All of your words are encouraging, cause none of you mentioned a person pulling a 180o! Of course, it does depend on the individual, but just sayin!

Can't wait to see him again!
Thank you!

[Ella85]

I think over the summer we saw how each other really are. My first visit was feb last year and it was perfect like a dream. It brought us closer but I feel like when I got back here in that 5 months it brought us a lot closer. Then in the summer we spent 6 weeks together and that brought us a lot closer as a family. Christmas was the icing on the cake really. We've been together 16 months.

[Miasmata]

I've lived with my SO close distance for almost a year until he recently had to move to a different part of the country for a job. Before that, we were together for a bit more than a year. I felt like the dynamic itself didn't really change - We had occasional fights before, and we still did close distance. What definitely changed was how we fought, and how we grew. Communication was actually easier close distance, for example, because my SO is a rather physical person and not so great with words all the time. In other ways, things were trickier - It was harder to take a break to cool off when things got heated, and sometimes everyday life could bog things down. But overall, it was a big step up, and we had so many experiences together that we could share, even just simple everyday things, that you just can't get as easily when you're long distance.

It does depend on the people involved, and no matter what, be prepared to expect the unexpected basically, and deal with it together openly and honestly.

[differentcountries]

Communication was actually easier close distance, for example, because my SO is a rather physical person and not so great with words all the time. In other ways, things were trickier - It was harder to take a break to cool off when things got heated, and sometimes everyday life could bog things down. But overall, it was a big step up, and we had so many experiences together that we could share, even just simple everyday things, that you just can't get as easily when you're long distance.

I find it to be true, too. My SO is a physical person, and when he feels bad he is not very vocal about it. Having him close distance means that when he is upset, I can physically calm him down. We can touch each other, soothe each other, have sex, I can smell him and I can know that I will have it like that many days in a row. Even when things were not so wonderful CD, just having him there, seeing his friends together with him, having our routines, talking and having the every day flirt, riding bikes together... When we are apart, when he feels bad he likes to distance himself and it breaks my heart so much, I have to be much more creative to reach him.

I have my life here more, so that was the hardest thing about being close distance, that I was not having a full life there, I was too dependant on him, because of the language and his job, it is easier when he is here because I don't work so long days and he even has friends on his own here, while I hardly have a social network on my own there. SO I think the real challenge of closing the distance is not figuring out things together (at least it was not for us), but it is organizing things in such a way that both of you have full lives where you are.

I still like to go shopping at Migros with him, our stupid minifights (although we agree on the straws now!) and our small negotiations over what to buy or not. I dread a bit having him coming here, we have experienced racism in the shops here, and he finds the food selections to be somewhat odd (I find Turkish food delightfully exiting, he as most Turks prefer Turkish food, and he thinks even the "foreigner store" here is strange, with it German-produced Turkish sausage and pricy Turkish mineral water). He wants to come here, but it is scary for him, too. Ideally I would want us to live in both countries...at least visit Turkey a lot if we end up living together here.

[Miasmata]

Ultimately, the distance was also a good opportunity to work on how we use our words, both of us. SO will never be a master wordsmith, but he's grown to be more honest and open and communicative over the course of our relationship so far. LDRs can be a good way to learn about yourself and each other in a way you usually don't get in most relationships.

[differentcountries]

Ultimately, the distance was also a good opportunity to work on how we use our words, both of us. SO will never be a master wordsmith, but he's grown to be more honest and open and communicative over the course of our relationship so far. LDRs can be a good way to learn about yourself and each other in a way you usually don't get in most relationships.

That is very true. I noticed that SO relies heavily on me to express himself. He is a sweet, kind, somewhat shy guy who is not used to stating his ground. He claims that I read his mind, which of course I don't, but I understand where is at large parts of the time, especially when we are CD and I can use body language much more. I know I can never change SO into being assertative like me, and I would not want to change him completely. But I think he benifits from me pushing him to express himself a bit more. And it is harder, but more benificial to do that over the distance. I think he has gotten better with written words, we text a lot and he is able to convey how he feels to an extent. He also had to endure me taking care of my sick mum here and having less time for him. I think things would have played out a little differently had we been in the same place, he would be able to constantly have my affirmation. If we have kids one day, there will be times where I have less attention to give to him and I need to know that he will not fall apart and that he will open up to me when he hurts, even if I can't take the pain away. All in all, I find both CD and LD experiences very useful for preparing for what hopefully we be us living together full time in the future.