the girl friend but not girfriend just friend ,help

[ali-lhar]

I need some advice on how to deal with my boyfriend speaking to his friend that's a girl all the time


I get so jealous
I say it okay because I don't want to look physco or that I don't trust him because I do

but when were so far away it makes it so hard

like I'm worried that they're calls are better and then when I try and talk to him its like I can't think of what to say because I'm putting so much pressure on the call

I do such long hours at work and I just think I'm not giving him enough of my time
when I ring him and can't get through and she's talking to him arrrrg I just don't know what to be


obviously a part of me wants to be like no don't talk to her but that achieves nothing because then if they did speak he'd keep it from me and he just resent me for it
I don't want to start controlling his choices

[whatruckus]

Well first, you need to realize that he chose you. My SO has a girl "best friend" and I didn't like her at first (actually, I still kind of don't). But, if this really bothers you, then you need to let him know that while you understand she was there before you and she's his best friend, that it makes you feel a little uncomfortable. Make sure you mention that you would never ask him to stop being friends with her (because that's a real dick move, and he would probably choose her over you if you tried to do something like that). Maybe you should try to get to know her. You never know, she might become your friend too. Plus, she could also offer him great advice when he can't see things your way. Sometimes we don't want to listen to our SO's because we don't want to admit they're right, but when it comes from an outside source, we "get" it.

I only don't like my SO's friend still because she never mad an effort to meet me or get to know me, even though I tried to meet her a couple times, or have my SO set something up between me and her.

[C.C.]

I am a girl. My closest friends are mostly guys and even if they weren't, I am bisexual.
But if anyone ever told me not to be friends with any of them, I'd leave them right away. So as advised above, make sure to let him know you don't mean that and try not to even think about it.

Maybe talk with your SO about her? Like let him tell you their story, how they became friends, what their connection is like, etc. And hint him that you are worried a bit but make sure to let him know that you trust him and you yourself know that it's not a rational worry but it happens because of the long distance.

And whatruckus is right, he chose YOU. Try to trust him more :3 And even if by small chance, something were to happen, your worry wouldn't make it better, maybe even worse.

[whatruckus]

Exactly what C.C. said too. I let my SO know that I understood that their friendship was important to him, as they've been friends since they were like 15, I was uncomfortable with it a bit. But, also, I have a reason to feel weird because my SO said that were actually "supposed to date" at some point, but for whatever reason "it just didn't happen".

Sometimes they share a little too much.

[Miasmata]

We can disagree with our SOs or their friends and still respect the relationship! Not everyone is a threat. If your SO is worth trusting, then you gotta make the effort to do exactly that - Trust. You can voice your concerns, for sure, but be openminded and willing to understand him and the friendship, too. I can imagine my SO doesn't get super along with all of my friends, either, but he likes the majority and he at least respects the rest, and that's all it takes.

[hmrambling]

Here's what I do: I sort through how much of what I'm going through is mine, and how much of it is his.

Am I being insecure? Yes No
Am I jealous? Yes No
Is it his fault I'm jealous or insecure? Yes No
For what reasons am I jealous and/or insecure? ____________________________________
Is the problem real or imagined?
Is this something I can change?
If yes, what can I do to change it?
Is this something I can accept?
What can I do to accept it?

If I can neither change it or accept it, is it a dealbreaker for me? If it is a dealbreaker for me, have I communicated to my partner that it is a dealbreaker for me?

Often I find that when I am discontent that there is something that I need to work on within myself. If the other person has given me reason to doubt them, then I might determine that the person isn't trustworthy. Before I decide that the person isn't trustworthy, I first look at the reasons why that person isn't trust worthy.

Has the other person lied, omitted the truth, cheated, and/or intentionally hurt me?
Do we have an established trust?
How would I react if the tables were turned? If I hung out with my friends, and my partner were jealous or wanted me to stop hanging out with my friends, how would I feel?

Usually when I complete these questions, I find that there's something I need to work on for myself.

I personally would be okay with my partner hanging out with her friend. We have a strong trust that was established over time, and if I got jealous I would have to ask myself these questions above.

Best of luck to you.

[ali-lhar]

Am I being ridiculous or are these feelings perfectly normal.

I don't even know if she knows about me but i don't feel right asking because i already asked if i was mentioned and it was a dick move because it made him feel guilty and he had no reason to because not everything is about me i was just curious

I should have asked originally

he's the best thing that's ever happened to me but distance puts so many extra thoughts in your head that you'd never normally question

[sasad]

Perfectly normal.. You KNOW what you are feeling so that's half the battle. I would be a little upset if my SO didn't tell his bestie about me....
Please don't overthink it too much.. too much and you get into your own head and will start doubting yourself.
Feelings are feelings. They aren't right or wrong, they just are.

Yes, it is hard. My so has a friend that he goes to horror movies with. She is married. I used to get jealous.
We had a conversation about it and what I felt, knowing it was sorta silly. My SO was totally open, explained how long they did that and even said he would stop if it bothered me. He even offered to introduce me to her. After that talk, I felt MUCH better and relaxed about it. Bonus is I don't like horror movies so it satisfies both of us

Remember, he didn't have to tell you about her. He could have snuck around. He obviously cares enough about you to let you know what's up.
Tell him you are a little jealous, but don't cling and hang on to that. Think of the things you are going to do together as a couple.

[Elizabeth123]

Perfectly normal.. You KNOW what you are feeling so that's half the battle. I would be a little upset if my SO didn't tell his bestie about me....
Please don't overthink it too much.. too much and you get into your own head and will start doubting yourself.
Feelings are feelings. They aren't right or wrong, they just are.

Yes, it is hard. My so has a friend that he goes to horror movies with. She is married. I used to get jealous.
We had a conversation about it and what I felt, knowing it was sorta silly. My SO was totally open, explained how long they did that and even said he would stop if it bothered me. He even offered to introduce me to her. After that talk, I felt MUCH better and relaxed about it. Bonus is I don't like horror movies so it satisfies both of us

Remember, he didn't have to tell you about her. He could have snuck around. He obviously cares enough about you to let you know what's up.
Tell him you are a little jealous, but don't cling and hang on to that. Think of the things you are going to do together as a couple.

Well said...remember to talk with him ...communication always helps

[ali-lhar]

she knows about me

im an idiot

[C.C.]

she knows about me

im an idiot

Well then, you needn't worry it seems :3
Did it get resolved peacefully?

[Miasmata]

You're not an idiot for having feelings or worrying! See it as an opportunity to grow and learn, and see that you can trust your partner. Everyone gets insecure sometimes, there's no shame in it.