How often do you fight?

[sunmat]

EDIT: Deleted

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I think that everyone fights. We very rarely have serious fights though. It's mostly about stupid things, and I would consider them more irritations than fights. We always try to talk about our disagreements right away which smooths things over rather than letting them linger. Even though we don't fight about anything serious, I feel like these are productive because we learn how to discuss things even if we aren't happy with each other. I never ignore my SO to send a message. Personally, I feel like that's a little juvenile and feels like you're trying to hurt the person. Maybe I'm misinterpreting what you're saying though?

[Elizabeth123]

CD or LD a fight is a failure to communicate. An effort to explain to each other what is wrong is healthy and builds a stronger relationship. Also, better to go silent than say something hurtful which could cause more problems. Once thoughtless/hurtful words are spoken it's very hard to focus on the initial problem.

[abna1]

Arguments, especially LD, are no fun, but they happen. I think what's important is how you come out of them. Of course you'll be upset when it happens, but if you can manage to discuss the issue calmly with your partner afterwards and resolve things that way, I think it's a good thing. You don't have to raise your voice to show that this is an important issue to you.

[Honour]

My SO and I have been getting on each other's nerves a lot as of late. Stupid, insignificant little things have caused arguments and upsets, so when we talk things out and like right now, where I'm spending time away from him, my parents and everything else that's been stressing me, at least, out it's actually helped. I feel more relaxed now I'm not worrying about arguments or problems or whatever else. Think it's best if both parties try and talk things out as soon as possible, to avoid resentment down the line and further problems.

[C.C.]

But in long distance, I have a hard time figuring out when it's ok to fight, and for what. So far I haven't really fought with my SO. Whenever I'm upset about something, I swallow my anger, try to consider every point of view, and wait for her to be in a good disposition to listen so I could bring my concerns in a calm way. That usually brings us closer, but I don't think it has the effect that an actual fight would have, because she cannot perceive how much something can make me angry.

Don't do this. ;___;
Okay bitter experiences, don't mind me.
Umm, it depends on how your SO feels about it, honestly, but recently my SO got angry with me when I was stressed and made him mad (I deserved him being angry) BUT he also pointed out everything he had been keeping inside him, harshly and angrily and god it felt AWFUL.
If you feel dissatisfaction that you are not getting all of your thoughts across while talking about specific subjects that make you feel angry, tell her. If you think they are more important than they are taken, tell her. Even if it's your own fault for swallowing anger. Just, be honest.

For example, some of those things can make me so angry that I can start considering whether it's worth continuing the relationship.

Oh hi. Maybe you should meet my SO.
I mean, I recently learned that hearing that someone questions the relationship and being pessimistic about everything is the most hurtful experience ever. We all doubt relationships, but I don't think that fear should be communicated while you are angry. It made him feel awful as well. I mean if you feel that can something get in the way of your relationship long term, sure say it, but not when you are angry or mad. That's the one thing I'd advise you to communicate while you're calm.
Also keep in mind, some things can be resolved easily after communicating, discussing and compromising. They won't get resolved on their own, and some things that make you doubt the healthiness of relationship, might just be caused by miscommunication not by the fact that you two won't work. For example, you can say something you don't know full story about and they might start developing hidden frustration instead of getting the story across and make you understand the situation. And you might not ask as well. So they might feel like you don't understand them, which you would if you knew the story. If this example makes any sense.

Presenting my concerns when I'm calm merely makes it look like a small thing to improve, not a big deal. Now I fear that swallowing my anger and compromising all the time will not do me any good, first because I may eventually have too much anger in me and will just explode and call things off, second because even if that doesn't happen, she may take it for granted that I'll always compromise and go her way.

Yes, as I already said, my SO already had that explosion and learned that it's not the right way to keep things inside.
Second, him telling me about many things that they were okay and that he understood it DID make me feel more carefree, it's something natural I think. I didn't take it granted, but I thought I could be more free, because well, he didn't say some things bothered him. Though, of course, I didn't do anything while knowing how much it'd hurt him or make him feel mad, but lack of knowledge causes many things, you know.

On her side she hasn't started any fight either, but instead of opening herself to what makes her angry, she starts ignoring me and doesn't send anything nor reply to my texts for a few hours. I find that extremely childish and I brought it up (as usual, calmly and when she was in a mood to listen), asking her to tell me when she's upset and why, instead of doing that. I told her that contrary to normal couples, communication was the only tool we have to make our relationship work, so not communicating would be 100% counter-productive.

Okay that is either childish, or she just feels like she'll say something too mean and doesn't want to hurt you and wants to calm down first. You did the right thing to tell her that, because if you can take some mean things and understand that they are told because of anger and should not be taken directly, then it's much better to experience them than just wait until things calm down, cause you get to learn about each other so much better.
And, well, you won't get those hours away from each other all that much irl.

Long story short, you need to find some kind of balance, I don't mean that you should just fully express your anger and be mean either. It might take some exploring but do what works the best for you two and don't make it that one sided either way, neither for you, like it is now, nor for her in future. Best of luck :3

CD or LD a fight is a failure to communicate. An effort to explain to each other what is wrong is healthy and builds a stronger relationship. Also, better to go silent than say something hurtful which could cause more problems. Once thoughtless/hurtful words are spoken it's very hard to focus on the initial problem.

I don't think it's a failure to communicate, it largely depends on a couple. It's not better to go silent for some, I'd rather hear something hurtful because I CAN take it, but I won't be able to take someone staying away from me when they are mad. I value honesty and I think healthy amounts of fights help some of us get across the points we'd fail to in calm conversations.

[sasad]

It depends. We don't really have petty arguments...We both stand up for what we believe in and are not afraid to express ourselves. Arguments are when two or more people don't agree on the same issue. And that is OK,
It's not the fights that ruin relationships, it's the inability to resolve them that will. Don't get me wrong, the nasty name calling fights will damage and ruin a relationship as that is not the way to argue. Fights can be really healthy, and an important form of communication and can really help with clearing the air as well as teach you how to manage disagreements productivly in the future.
Being silent is not the way to go.

Do you fight? How often? About what? Not often at all.. Usually political.
- What makes you confident that those fights will be productive in the end despite the distance? We agree to disagree and RESPECT each other's point of view.
- Do you sometimes ignore your SO to (ironically) "send a message"? Never ever...

[R&R]

We have arguments when we are apart. There have only been a couple of times in 2 1/2 years that have escalated to tears and real anger. Yes, they were to the point of me deciding if I was going to continue this relationship. The details are too personal to put out here but they were things that were extremely serious to me. For the most part, we may have slight disagreements here or there that are fairly easy to work through.

Has he ever gotten the silent treatment? Yup. I'll tell him that I just can't talk to him right now and I will let him know when I am in a better spot to discuss it. Sometimes talking right at that point in time would be a bad idea, so I need to step away.

[Miasmata]

Most of the time we have discussions that can get a bit heated, but usually stay fair. Occasionally, it turns into a fight because both him and me can have strong tempers, especially him, and when commucation doesn't work out right we can get riled up. It's happening less and less, though, because we do our best to learn from every fight and identify where the problem was. To me, fights are a natural and healthy part of a relationship as long as you aim to learn from them and not just continue in the same manner over and over. Calm and honest arguments/discussions are much better than outright fights, but the latter can just easily happen when emotions and communication errors come into play. To me, that's okay - Not fun or desirable, but okay, as long as everyone involved wants to do better next time.

[JeanJean]

This is a strange coincidence. My SO and I have never had a fight either. Like you when something he says bothers me I stew on it and then approach it in a more diplomatic sense. I am learning to speak up more, even with the distance this is a relationship and in any relationship feelings do get hurt at times.
I actually mentioned the fact that we don't fight to SO last night and his response was "its because we don't really spend enough time together to get on each others nerves or annoy each other. I'm sure once were living together we'll have disagreements, but I don't think we'll ever have a really big fight". I can see his point of view in this, but the fact that we don't have any arguments, disagreements, or fights right now makes me wonder if I am still only putting my best foot forward with him, and if he's doing the same with me.

As far as your SO not talking when she is upset, I've done the same. I don't do this for attention or to get my point across. I do this in order to sort my feelings and address what is bothering me in a way that is more logical and not purely emotional.

[Chris516]

The woman I like(I just sent her two compiled music CD's) has never been upset with me, and I have never been upset with her. Maybe that is the danger of 'puppy love'. Because, What doesn't get on a person's nerves in the beginning of the relationship. Could, further on in the relationship.

That insanely mysterious mental switch that changes w/o you realizing it.

[Ella85]

My SO and I don't fight.... we're weird I guess? We have had differences of opinion and there have been times I've cried because he's hurt my feelings, there have been times he's been upset with me because I hurt his feelings. He got mad at me once because I did something stupid and sometimes gets irritated with me. I get annoyed occasionally (I'm difficult to annoy to be honest). I am the type of person to take myself out of a situation when I am upset, I think I've done it twice but only when we are physically together. I'll try and go and cry somewhere in a room or something and he has always followed and we've sorted it out.

I do wonder if things will change when we are close distance all the time. But I would say I've never questioned if I want to be with him, I've questioned if he wanted to be with me a few times in the start. But both of us are very chilled out relaxed people and for the most part we like to discuss things together. We don't keep anything from each other. I don't think my relationship would work if we were any other way.

But some people don't deal with upset the same way we do, that doesn't mean they won't work. You have to find the right level ground for you and your SO.

[Unicorn26]

In the three years we have been together, we have had very very few fights. When we were together in person we didn't fight at all.

Recently, communication has been very difficult as SO had no internet. This caused a lot of tension as we usually speak on the phone at least once a day. We both felt detached and frustrated and it was really tough. I had some really bad family stuff going on (still do) and he did too, but he felt I had enough on my plate already and so didn't speak to me about it. Consequently he withdrew, I thought he had lost interest, it spiralled out of control and ended up in the worst fight we had ever had. It was horrible. We barely spoke for a week and when he we did it was tense. After 10 days we sat down and I talked it out with him, explained how his actions made me feel and everything has been great since. I do give him the silent treatment sometimes, but I will tell him so. I will let him know I'm too mad or upset to talk to him and I will get back to him when I'm feeling calmer. I always tell him I love him tho, even when we are fighting.

I think because we are LD, I swallow an awful lot to avoid conflict. Part of this is a hangover from my marriage. My ex husband was very confrontational and would ignore me for months (literally) if I stood up to him. I am working on this though, my SO is not my ex husband and I need to let go of that but it's not easy. Thankfully SO understands this and he's really patient with me.

If we were CD I'm sure we would fight more. I'd feel I a lot more confident to stand my ground if we were CD. As it is at the moment, he could easily delete me from his life, block me and forget about me. That's always in the back of my mind. I know deep down he would never do that, but it's possible.

[ChloChlo]

Hmm... in 7 months my partner and I have never had a yelling/angry type of fight. We get upset about things (or rather...I do...he then gets upset because I am upset - he's much better at bringing up his feelings and working through them right as he is having them). I'd guess that we've had three more serious upset/sad conversations in 7 months. They mostly happen because I'm feeling like he's giving his friends priority over me and it triggers my fears that I'm an unlovable, worthless doormat.

Personally I feel like our "fights" will be productive in the end despite the distance because I know without a shadow of a doubt that my S/O wants the relationship to work and he does not ever try to or want to hurt me, and I am the same way. Neither of us is trying to "win" the fight, get in the last word, prove the other wrong, or humiliate them. We've never had fights that turn into personal attacks, threats or cruelty. I'm not sure I could work with that.

Like you, I always want to settle down first and approach people in a rational and articulate manner because I feel safer then, but it rarely works. I would never give my partner the silent treatment as a punishment because it usually only hurts me, not the other person; but sometimes it happens because I'm trying to solve the problem all by myself in my own head. Growing up I was told that my emotions made life harder for other people, so I get mad at myself for feeling "bad" feelings. I try to withdraw to keep myself from hurting people. So whenever I've been told that I'm "pouting" or being immature for doing this, it has really hurt. Even if you do think it's childish, I wouldn't recommend phrasing it that way or making it an accusation. That would just make it seem more unsafe to share feelings with you. After all, if doing nothing garners such a harsh personal critique, imagine what doing something might illicit?? But then, I am wicked sensitive.

Like you and others have said, I agree that "fights" are natural and good for relationships. Or rather, "feeling safe and supported enough to work through emotions together" is essential for a good relationship. I still struggle with that, because it's scary. We get these ideas that true happiness means being happy ALWAYS, and if "bad" feelings like sadness, disappointment, anger, etc, ever occur it means something is wrong and we must stop them from happening - but they are perfectly natural reactions that need to be acknowledged.

[QueenD]

I've been with J for about 2 months and we have never has a fight. Neither of us are really the type to fight. We have had to discuss some topics that could easily have turned into arguments of either of us was the type to get offended or mad really easily.

Example 1) our relationship isn't "out" on social media. (We are both just listed as single on Facebook). Yesterday, one of J's friends joked about how he should go out with someone that works at a business he frequents because "J single, Girl is single, do the math." It rubbed me a little wrong so I told him I didn't like the feeling that I was a secret. He pointed out that his close friends all know we are together and the people on social media are acquaintances and I immediately felt better. That could have easily been an argument about how we need to update relationship status on social media "or else." I also learned that he had not yet told his mom about us. She is elderly and was very upset when his last relationship ended so he was holding back. But his mom lives in my town, so when he comes to visit her it will be unavoidable to tell him so he is going to tell her sooner than that.

Example 2) our relationship is new enough that we are figuring out all our communication patterns and expectations. He has a job where sometimes it's hard to text back, where it is very easy for me to text throughout my work day. During a recent week, he was really busy and we didn't connect often at all. I was feeling a bit insecure and neglected. It would have been easy for me to get mad and bitch about him not texting back quickly, but instead we had a discussion about expectations for communication. One simple thing we agreed on is that if I need him to text back me quickly I should just SAY SO. It's worked splendidly so far.

I'm sure we will have plenty of arguments along the way, but so far we are communicating pretty well.