Breakup - doubts immediately after

[Hannes]

I (22, male, Belgium) have been together for over a year with my girlfriend (23, female, Italy, 1200km/750miles away). We saw each other more or less every month and yesterday I came back from Italy.

A few days ago, I told her I had doubts about our breakup (I've had it for a couple of weeks) because it is so hard to not see each other so long every month and also because I don't know if we will ever want to move to each other's country (we both are not enthusiastic to leave our country). This came as a shock to her. We talked about it for a couple of days and I changed my mind multiple times per day. Yesterday, I decided it may be better to breakup, and then I left her.

However, being alone in the bus/plane, I couldn't understand my reasons to breakup anymore. We both love each very much, and although we have our usual discussion, I think she has a lot of characteristics of my ideal woman that I don't see in any other woman. Since then, I can only think that this decision was the biggest mistake I have ever made and I really would like to be together again with her, working hard to stay together.

I told her yesterday evening when I got home, that I would like to be together again. But she says I changed my mind to much, and that she doesn't want her heart to be broken again if I change my mind again. I understand her, and I have indeed changed my mind too much. But if this was the wrong decision and my whole life depends on it.. Well, then I really would like to be together again.

I don't really know what I want to ask here, maybe I just needed to tell my feelings to people who can understand.

Should I leave her alone, to spare her extra pain? I already played with her feelings the last days, being in doubt about our relationship. She doesn't deserve this. But again, what if being together again will be the best decision I can make in my life?

[C.C.]

Maybe you should take some time and think about it, instead of deciding right away again?
And tell it to her when there are no what ifs anymore about your decision and when you want to commit completely, without doubts?
I mean, I know long distance isn't for everyone, but you need to give this a lot more thought and decide that you are ready to do everything it takes to make the relationship work, only love is not enough, commitment is needed just as much.
You don't really have any reassurance that you won't feel doubtful again in future, even if you don't feel so right now. You also need to think about how will you deal with doubts if you decide to stay with her.
I think you should have taken that time before break up though, I hope it's not too late now, but you might have to accept consequences if she doesn't want to give you one more chance even after both of you cool off
Best of luck to you.

[sasad]

What you going to do about your original problem? Are you going to move to her country?
It's great that she may be the one for you but what's going to happen later on down the line when you try to figure out how are you going to be together CD? Have you communicated that to her at all ? Have you even figure that out yourself ?

[whatruckus]

Being on the other end where your SO is, having gone through a break up myself the other day, and being with someone who couldn't express himself and be sure of what he wanted: Please take some time before making your decisions. The back and forth thing is seriously no fun, and as I said... After being somewhat in your SO's position, it's really hard for us to believe what you say after you've flip flopped back and forth so many times. Don't be so rushed to make a decision, only to backtrack it a day or two later. It's not fun.

I started resenting my former SO and being mad all the time because he couldn't figure out what he wanted (or maybe he did and does know, but was always afraid to admit it, whether he still wants to be with me or not). I didn't like getting so mad all the time. I started not trying as hard when he did want to be with me because I figured, "I bet he's going to get distant again and say he needs 'space' or something."

[Hannes]

Maybe you should take some time and think about it, instead of deciding right away again?
And tell it to her when there are no what ifs anymore about your decision and when you want to commit completely, without doubts?
I mean, I know long distance isn't for everyone, but you need to give this a lot more thought and decide that you are ready to do everything it takes to make the relationship work, only love is not enough, commitment is needed just as much.
You don't really have any reassurance that you won't feel doubtful again in future, even if you don't feel so right now. You also need to think about how will you deal with doubts if you decide to stay with her.
I think you should have taken that time before break up though, I hope it's not too late now, but you might have to accept consequences if she doesn't want to give you one more chance even after both of you cool off
Best of luck to you.

We both had doubts in the last year but we always managed to get over them and stay together. She also says those doubts were not serious, they arrived in a sad moment and went away after. This time, however, I had a serious doubt. I think because she had a very stressful period (2 months) and there wasn't a lot of "love" over Skype for quite some time.

Indeed, I have no reassurance that I won't feel doubtful again. Now, this is the only doubt that I have to be with her again. The doubt for doubts, how ironic. I am trying now to take some time and see if I am still changing my mind often. That didn't happen yet since I physically left her. "You don't know what you have until you loose it" is something that I think is applicable to this situation.

What you going to do about your original problem? Are you going to move to her country?
It's great that she may be the one for you but what's going to happen later on down the line when you try to figure out how are you going to be together CD? Have you communicated that to her at all ? Have you even figure that out yourself ?

I told her several months ago already that I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave Belgium. Also during the last days, I told her this was one of my reasons. However, now I feel like I shouldn't let this stand between us. It may be hard, and I may need to leave a lot of things behind, but leaving her feels much worse. She also told me that maybe she wanted to come to Belgium for me but didn't (want to) think about it yet because there are so many uncertainties for her future: will she find a job in Italy? She will probably have to move to another country anyway, but Belgium isn't really on the top of her list. She needs close mountains to be happy, it's her passion.

So to me it feels like there is hope for the moving to another country aspect. It would ask for a big sacrifice from one or both of us, but I think we should be able to make it work.

Being on the other end where your SO is, having gone through a break up myself the other day, and being with someone who couldn't express himself and be sure of what he wanted: Please take some time before making your decisions. The back and forth thing is seriously no fun, and as I said... After being somewhat in your SO's position, it's really hard for us to believe what you say after you've flip flopped back and forth so many times. Don't be so rushed to make a decision, only to backtrack it a day or two later. It's not fun.

I started resenting my former SO and being mad all the time because he couldn't figure out what he wanted (or maybe he did and does know, but was always afraid to admit it, whether he still wants to be with me or not). I didn't like getting so mad all the time. I started not trying as hard when he did want to be with me because I figured, "I bet he's going to get distant again and say he needs 'space' or something."

Yes, I understand my (ex-)girlfriend is in this position, and she also told me many times that the constant switching between "ideas" is not healthy for her. Also not for me. I hate myself a lot for doing this, and especially for having made that decision when I actually wasn't sure yet.

[Hannes]

Today I texted with her for about an hour. Asking her to get back together again, explaining that I was wrong and hoping we can start a relationship again. However, she still thinks it's the best idea for us to stay apart. Luckily we can do this "mature" without being mad at each other and with respecting each other.

I feel very bad for almost begging her to take me back. This only makes it harder for her to get over the breakup. But I still have this hope that keeps me going. Hope to get back together. I was the one who made this decision, not she. She loves me and was shocked when I told her about my doubts. I love her too and I hope that we can feel good again, together.

Now I have the inner fight whether to contact her again or not. Contacting her will cause more pain to her, but might convince her that we should try again. Trying again could fix all this pain we are both feeling right now. And if in the future I would have doubts like this again, I will know better what decision to take. Breaking up should really be a last option, and I shouldn't do it when I'm so unsure.

I am quite sure I will contact her again. It may be better after a night or some nights of sleep, so we can get a more objective opinion. But the waiting is so hard..

[Honour]

Waiting is your only option. Contacting her would just make things worse, let some time pass, then see what happens.

[Hannes]

So shortly after my last message here, she contacted me and asked me to give her some time to reflect on things and that after that we can have a Skype conversation. However, I should not hope too much..

Today a friend of me gave me the idea to just go and visit her. Get on a plane and show up on her doorstep and talk things out. I am seriously thinking about doing this. It would show how much she means to me and how much I am willing to work for this relationship.

I realize this is not respecting her, she asked me for some time and by showing up in person I force myself. I already bothered her twice, talking about getting back together, and I know this is very painful for her. If I show up, maybe it will bring a lot of pain again. Maybe she will feel sad for me and say yes out of pity. But maybe.. she will feel how much we love each other and realize that I made the wrong decision and accept my apologies and we can get back together.

So it's the dilemma of waiting and respecting her, or showing my courage and my love.

[MissButterfly]

So it's the dilemma of waiting and respecting her, or showing my courage and my love.

That's how you see it. She might think you're overly attached, can't leave her alone, won't give her any space to think things through (as you should too, like others have said). Seriously, don't do it.

[R&R]

So shortly after my last message here, she contacted me and asked me to give her some time to reflect on things and that after that we can have a Skype conversation. However, I should not hope too much..

Today a friend of me gave me the idea to just go and visit her. Get on a plane and show up on her doorstep and talk things out. I am seriously thinking about doing this. It would show how much she means to me and how much I am willing to work for this relationship.

I realize this is not respecting her, she asked me for some time and by showing up in person I force myself. I already bothered her twice, talking about getting back together, and I know this is very painful for her. If I show up, maybe it will bring a lot of pain again. Maybe she will feel sad for me and say yes out of pity. But maybe.. she will feel how much we love each other and realize that I made the wrong decision and accept my apologies and we can get back together.

So it's the dilemma of waiting and respecting her, or showing my courage and my love.

This isn't the movies where the guys chases down the girl and they live happily ever after. If I told someone I needed time and space and then they showed up, unannounced on my doorstep, that would guarantee the end of it. That's not showing courage and love - that's showing disrespect and having no sense of boundries.

[Hannes]

I indeed realize that I would not respect her request to give her some time. However, I heard from another girl that if it was her and she said something like this, she would actually want me to come and fight for her.

I know that usually showing up unannounced is a sign for a crazy person, like the typical woman that becomes crazy after the man breaks up with her, so she starts to get stalky. However, our situation is much different. I am the one who broke up (not she), altough she told me that she wanted to stay together. I made the stupid decision and she accepted it, not the other way around.

When I had to make the decision to break-up with her, I told her I had to choose between my brain and my heart. I chose for my brain. Now I kindof have the feeling that I'm again doubting between my brain and my heart. My brain says it's not good to show up unannounced. My heart says she will see it as a romantic gesture and it will be the beginning of the next chapter of our story together..

Thank you all for helping me go through this.

[whatruckus]

I indeed realize that I would not respect her request to give her some time. However, I heard from another girl that if it was her and she said something like this, she would actually want me to come and fight for her.

I know that usually showing up unannounced is a sign for a crazy person, like the typical woman that becomes crazy after the man breaks up with her, so she starts to get stalky. However, our situation is much different. I am the one who broke up (not she), altough she told me that she wanted to stay together. I made the stupid decision and she accepted it, not the other way around.

When I had to make the decision to break-up with her, I told her I had to choose between my brain and my heart. I chose for my brain. Now I kindof have the feeling that I'm again doubting between my brain and my heart. My brain says it's not good to show up unannounced. My heart says she will see it as a romantic gesture and it will be the beginning of the next chapter of our story together..

Thank you all for helping me go through this.

"Heard from another girl..." There's your problem. This girl is not the girl you dated. She's a completely different person.

Do not do it. You've been back and forth with your SO how many times already? Showing up unannounced will just make things even worse. She needs time to herself to think. You act too fast, almost on impulse, without thinking things through and that is what got you into this mess to begin with.

If you're going to make a decision, think long and hard about it.

I also think that maybe you're kind of smothering her, trying to get her to get back with you because you regret breaking up with her so many times. But, she's confused. She's hurt. She's probably even resentful and mad at you (I would be). Like she said, you need to give her the space she asked for instead of pushing yourself on her. This is what happens when you don't know what you want. If she ends up not wanting to get back together with you, you need to accept this. Showing up at her doorstep isn't going to do much, to be honest.

[C.C.]

Hey, you made the decision to break up yes, you caused it yes. But her response was the decision SHE made. You can't change her decision just because you regret yours, not always.
Also, she decided that she wants time apart, she told you so. There's a HUGE chance she won't like you disrespecting that.

And what whatruckus said.
You yourself aren't ready for it, it's a fact. Don't act on impulse, it'll only hurt both of you more.

[Hannes]

I made the decision to not show up unannounced. It's indeed not going to help the situation. Yesterday we skyped and shared our feelings and she still doesn't know what she has to do. Ofcourse, I understand her. I kindof put her in the situation that I was in a couple of days ago. I really hate myself for doing this.

Altough you guys have valid points, I would like to clear up some things.

I only broke up with her once. The days before I just communicated my doubts with her. I told her some times that I wasn't sure if it was smart to go on, and other times that I would like to stay together with her because I love her. Even the last "official" time, I said 1 hour afterwards that I wasn't sure. But because I saw that that made her even more confused and hurt, I didn't want to change my mind another time. Now however, I feel like I am sure that I want this relationship and I haven't changed my mind since Monday (I know it's still not long, but before I changed my mind twice a day).

She is indeed confused and hurt, and I realized that confronting her by showing up unanounced will not do any good. However, she told me multiple times she is not mad at me and still loves me.

Thank you again for helping me organizing my thoughts.