All because I called him inconsiderate...

[sagittariusgirl89]

Ok I'm gonna try to make this as short as possible. My BF and I were texting and I asked him why he can't come to Columbus next week instead of making me wait 2 weeks or so. I just want wanted to know, and he said he dfoesnt wanna talk about it and that he doesn't wanna argue. like he just shut me off, then he said i have to pay bills don't you get it? I then texted him that he is inconsiderate and mean, and he said fuck off, its like talking to a brick wall.


Then, he called me and he just went off. Like I tried to expalin to him that i miss him and he just yelled. saying he breaks his back trying to keep me happy, and he called me a bitch, said that we will never get marrie dbecause he comes to see me too much, said i should get a local bf.

idk...wow.

[Gurl]

Two thoughts here.. First, if you'd already asked and he'd explained, asking again was a very bad move. You should have either talked about his reasons the first time, or you should accept them and deal for the two weeks.

Secondly.... no matter how mad he was, the F off and calling you a bitch were WAY OUT OF LINE. You do NOT talk to someone you love in that manner no matter how mad you are...sometimes it is hard, but you have to draw lines in the sand about what you will and will not say to your partner.

And YOU Need to set some lines about what you will and will not accept... I'd suggest adding those two things to the top of your list. I think the odds are you were both out of line, but he crossed a pretty bad one. Hopefully you can use this as a start to working on your boundaries and as a learning point....Best of luck with dealing with this once he is calmed down.

[sagittariusgirl89]

Its just hard. cuz, personally i dont think i was being wrong for asking him. i mean i miss him...

[garnet]

Yikes. Name calling is never okay, he shouldn't have done that. But it sounds like maybe you aren't being super understanding about his financial situation possibly? Waiting an extra week isn't so bad in the big picture. Maybe he's just tired and money is tight and he feels like there is too much pressure from you?
I know it's hard because you want to see him as soon as possible, but unless you're paying and making the journey, you kinda have to go by what works best for him.
I'm very sorry for the yelling and name calling though. I hope you two work things out, and I'm sorry if this looked like I was taking his side... I'm not, just giving an outsiders view.

[Gurl]

Okay.. Guy 101, between us girls...
NEVER ask the same question twice when it is "why can't you do such and such" unless you didn't get an answer the first time. Put yourself in his shoes.... wouldn't it have been better to just say I miss you and I wish you could be here sooner... well, wouldn't it. You were not wrong for wanting to let him know you miss him, but asking why he can't make it sooner could and probably did make him feel like you don't think he is doing all he can for your relationship and for you. Assuming he is doing a good bit for those.... how would you feel... always try to walk a bit in the other person's shoes if you've done something to make them upset... you can learn a lot like that.

[garnet]

Gurl has a REALLY good point about the walking in their shoes. This is the only thing that kept me sane in my failed marriage... when my ex husband did something bad with no remorse, I asked him to reverse it, and for some reason he always did and the lightbulb would come on. Finally I started to do the same thing... when I did something wrong, I thought about how I would feel if I was him, and it helped us. (Our marriage didn't end up surviving, but I still believe very strongly in this tactic and use it in my relationship now too.)
Try really hard to imagine it was you doing what you could and then still being questioned, and it might be easier to see where he was coming from.

I think this is a good reminder for all of us who might be having a hard time with the distance, feeling neglected, etc. Try and remember what your SO is dealing with, and appreciate what they've done for you, instead of focusing on what you're missing. I need to take my own advice because I've been so sad lately with my job being opposite of Rane's. We are working so we can be together and I need to keep that in mind!

[Rane]

Just thought I would add a little male opinion in here. I agree whole heartedly that no matter how angry you are, him talking to you like that simply isn't cool. Albeit, if I got furiously upset, I could say something I regret as well, I would profusely apologize as soon as I had a clear head, because like Gurl said, that simply isn't how you talk to someone you love.

That being said though, I think you need to be considerate that if he's got bills to pay, he can't put any more towards seeing you than he's able to. I'm sure he wants to see you as badly as you want to see him. And feeling like that, plus the pressure of bills, plus the pressure of needing to make a trip happen sooner, could really easily get to you and make a guy snap I'd think. But then, I don't know the whole story, just my 2c on how it seems to me!

[admin]

I really don't like how he said those things to you. But I think you pestering him about not coming soon enough really stressed him out. He is doing what he can given what he is capable of financially, and to be annoyed that he wasn't coming soon enough only makes him feel like he's not good enough for you. That's why he lost it and said you should just get another boyfriend.

[MadMolly]

I really don't like how he said those things to you. But I think you pestering him about not coming soon enough really stressed him out. He is doing what he can given what he is capable of financially, and to be annoyed that he wasn't coming soon enough only makes him feel like he's not good enough for you. That's why he lost it and said you should just get another boyfriend.

I agree. He shouldn't have said those things but if I was being nagged I'd probably snap as well. 2 weeks isn't long, I know you miss him but thats why LDRs are good - they teach you patience and staying relaxed! I hope he apologises to you!

[Tanja]

Him calling you names and yellin is totally out of the line.... But I can understand him losing it, I'm struggling with finances myself atm and it can REALLY make you feel like you're on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Even the smallest thing can set me off being really sad, getting really angry and saying things I don't necessarily mean but when you feel like you're stretching yourself all the time and worrying and stressing about money you can just snap any time.

I think it would be a good idea if you both apologized to each other, he for calling you names (I'm sure he didn't really mean what he said) and you for pushing him and making him feeling pressured. I'm sure you can sort things out, love conquers everything!

[Veiled_Dreamer]

I'm pretty sure I'm just saying the same things, but I'll give my opinion anyway. I think maybe something else was going on in his day, so he was already stressed out and on edge. So when you asked him that question, he instantly viewed it as you intentionally pressuring him and didn't consider that maybe you were just trying to say you missed him. Then he got even more on edge and called you those names. My SO has called me bad things before, I'll never forget it, but we've worked through it and I promise your relationship can go on despite it. From my experience, the important thing is that he apologizes for the name calling and realizes it's wrong and understands it's not okay and hurt your feelings. The equally important thing is that you take some of the "blame" for it. No one deserves to be called those kinds of names, but I think maybe you did accidentally pressure him and you can apologize for that, too, so you guys have the feel that you both apologized and you will both work on being more understanding. I hope that made some sense, at least. >.>

[Laura]

I'm gonna have to go with Gurl on this one; it will have sounded like you were being a bit too niggly and putting pressure on him, if he'd already told you why not. I can understand it's exasperating, and it is hell when you miss someone so much... but calling him inconsiderate was a bit too far if it was to do with his financial situation. HOWEVER, his calling you a bitch and telling you to fuck off? That's also way too far. I know we do lose our tempers, and I don't think any grudges should be held on either side... but name-calling is out of bounds and you both need to knock that one on the head before it gets out of hand. Hope everything turns out okay.

[Roberta]

Yeah, the name calling was definitely out of line, but I bet there were a lot of bad things contributing to his mood. Also, I know you didn't mean it in a bad way and were just trying to ask a question, but when you say something like "Why can't you..." in a text message, chances are it's gonna be misinterpreted, and it can come across as a bit aggressive. Maybe try explaining yourself a bit more in the text like "Do you think you might be able to come visit a few weeks earlier?..." or just wait for a phone call/video chat to ask, where it's easier to understand. =)