Advice needed: feel there is no space for my feelings

[Inga]

Hey everyone,

I'm in a bit of trouble with my SO and I don't know how to deal with it. Hoping you guys can maybe help me out or give me some advice. It's gotten kind of lengthy, thanx for reading!

My SO has been going through a lot, before we met and basicaly throughout our whole relationship (going on almost 2 years now). The problems take a toll on her and in effect on me. A lot of phone conversation time goes into talking about her situation, which I am ok with, I want to help. She can get very depressed, she feels like her life is at a hold and it frustrates her.

I try to be there for her the best way I can, give her advice, listen to her, help her. I'm noticing though that I find it harder to deal with the situation. It drags on me, it exhausts me, i get frustrated because the situation gets so heavy. I am still always there for her, but I just find it hard sometimes. Some of it is caused by the way she deals with her situation, as I would do things differently. But I know it is not my life, so I tell her how I would do it, she still makes the choices. Things just go very slow, and I know it's for a large part not her fault, but I do find myself getting frustrated because i feel there is more that she could do. I try to keep it in as much and be the best I can.

Now since I am back I notice I need a little more distance. I usually feel a bit off after a visit, because I miss her and all, but this frustration is kinda growing in me. I felt I needed to tell her this, cause I dont want it to come between us and sometimes just venting over things makes everything less. I didnt want it to be accusing, or make her feel like I want her to change or that she is a lousy person.

So yesterday I tried to tell her. I think my timing was way off, and I hadnt thought it through too well and she took it all wrong. She's extremely upset now. She responded by immediately pushing me away, telling me maybe i should visit less, telling me it's unfair because it's her life, so why do I have problesm with it, she rather be alone than being with someone who is frustrated etc. I got upset over this, since I fell I just wanted to share my feelings... but I did raise my voice... When I get emotional it's hard to respond calm.

We hung up strange since I had to leave and she was crying.

Then I got a text in the middle of the night, telling me I made her feel like sh*t, used her as a trashcan, playing guiltgames, she cannot change who she, she's had it and i need to accept her and her life.

What I wanted to tell her is that it's just harder in general for me, and how she deals with it is making me feel frustrated. I need her to know. What I didnt mean is that I wanted her to change or that I am blaming her for anything bad, or make her feel guilty for her life and her problems. I just have a hard time dealing with the intensity and severness of her whole situation. It also frustrates me I cannot help her better, that she cannot be who she wants to be, all of it. It is just a difficult situation and it is affecting me.

Her text, and the way she responded over the phone makes me feel like there is no space for my feelings. It seems that her life and her problems are not suppose to affect me. But how can it not? Not only do I love her, so it hurts me to see her in so much pain, she is part of my life, so when she is not moving on in her life, in some ways I am not moving on. She cant visit me because of all this, we canot start to make plans for our future because of this. Her life affects me, it's a fact. That's what happens in a relationship, we are partners...
Why can't I tell her my feelings concerning all these problems? It just feels like she pushes me away and there is no space for my feelings. I don't understand what I am doing wrong.

Her text hurted me so bad, because I am always, always there for her and she knows I am not the kind to play any kind of mindgames.

I was wondering, do you think I have a right to tell her how I feel? Or is saying that the situation is hard on me and telling her I get frustrated sometimes, is in some ways critizing her? Should I just shut up and take it, cause it is her life in the end?

Also, what should I do now? I wrote an e-mail (haven't sent it yet), trying to explain again what I ment, and that I didnt want to attack her, but just stating that it's hard on me. I'm afraid the mail is maybe too emotional and it just gets things worse. Part of me wants to call her so bad, but we probably end up fighting again.

Hope you guys can help me out a bit.

[LadyMarchHare]

First off, it sounds to me like you're being used more as a free therapist than a boyfriend. If she has a lot of problems, she needs to seek professional help, not expect you to shoulder it all because you love her, that is not how a relationship works. You cannot be expected to be nice all the time, know what to do, give the advice, then bite your tongue when she either does it in the way you feel is not best suited for the situation (or that you KNOW was the right way) or doesn't deal with it at all. You're human, it's going to burn you out and it seems it has.

I don't like her reaction to you telling her how it's been for you, that was a completely dramatic and un-needed move on her part. You're not using her as a 'trash can' or not accepting her, you just can't shovel her walkway every time it snows in her life. She needs to realize you can get stressed out too, you have the right to have problems, and that she's the one dumping shit into you like a trash can. I know you may feel this is your fault, but it in all honesty is so far from your fault, you're not even on the suspect list.

You have every right to say how you feel as the scale is very unbalanced in that department. Try talking it out with her when she's calm, make a list of the things you want to say, and just be plain. Don't sugarcoat things in order to spare feelings because I think she would take it hard whether or not you did that and it's more effort you're putting into a rather hopeless situation. Bottom line is she needs help, and not from you. If she can't get that help and wants to continue using you, then I think for your own sanity and happiness you have to walk away. Her problems are becoming toxic with you, they're affecting your life more than they need to and it sounds like she's trying to rule your life by guilting you into being that therapist's couch, which isn't fair to you. I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope things will work out.

[So_Far_Away]

IMO you should send the email. Or maybe read it on the phone if you think that would be better. However you tell her (and I really think you should) know what you want to say before you say it. Becuase otherwise you might phrase something which will make it sound completely different and the wrong idea will be put across.

I agree with the above. It sucks for her that she's going through such a bad time, but at some point you do have to start picking up peices on your own and not go running to a safe person. Unless that person is also able to run to you. Which it sounds like you can't. That made zero grammatical sense; I'm sure you understand anyway.

In short, I'm tired so this is badly worded.. Don't do that with her. It sucks for her that life is a bitch, but it also suck for you having to deal with it - and you're just as important.

[paulawriteslove]

I agree with everyone else, I think she should find someone to help her and listen to her, probably a therapist. You're just her boyfriend and her problems shouldn't be getting in the way of your relationship. You have the right to tell her how you feel. From reading this, it seems like she overreacts a lot, and she just blew how you were feeling way out of proportion. I think you should call her or send the email, but this fight isn't your fault at all. You have a right to tell your SO how you're feeling.

[Zephii]

It's a tough one. Perhaps you can copy what you wrote here and send it to her? Because your meaning is very clear.

Or just call her. Ask her to just listen to what you have to say - all of it - before responding. The point you make about her life affecting you too is very important, and it seems to be something a lot of people in relationships don't fully realise.

But, your feelings and needs are just as important as hers. She needs to realise and acknowledge how this makes you feel. No matter what is going on in her life, she needs to have time for you and to care for your emotions. To me, that's half of what relationships are about.

Good luck, and carrots xx

[Inga]

Hey everyone,

thanks so much for reading and responding.
It feels good to know my feelings are not strange and it is ok to let her know this.

I send the email yesterday, after finetuning it a bit, and along with it i sent her a text saying that I mailed her.
She contacted me a few hours later and we talked for a long time.

She was most upset with the way the conversation went, and she was very concerned that me getting stresed out will cause me to be short or mean to her.
Like i will take my stress over her situation out on her, so she will have double the pain. Since I had noticed the growing of frustration in the past weeks, i had told her if i had been short with her, it was probably due to that. But my intentions by sharing everything were to prevent stuff like that from happening in the future. I don't want it to work that way. I guess that message didn't come across.
I told her how her text made me feel and I told her I need to be able to share my feelings. She explained her text, what she ment with it and all...
We talked through it a lot and things are much clearer now. I understand why she is afraid and she understands that things are heavy for me too.

So all in all it worked out and I am glad we talked about it.

It's so strange how sometimes a fight can help clear the air and make you open up. I just wish it wouldn't be accompanied by all these painful words, shouts and all.

Anyways, thanks for your input. Greatly appreciated!

p.s. I am a girl too :P

[Karringtyn]

I am so glad that you were able to open up and say what you wanted...and NEEDED to say.

I often think when we are in relationships we tend to just unload...looking for and wanting the support/help to get through them...not realizing HOW MUCH this puts on our SO. I have done this...and reading this entry from you made me shake my head so many times...I think how you both have handled it NOW shows the foundation for your relationship is solid...

Let me just say this.

Of COURSE your feelings are VALID...and the moment you start to think they aren't...it's a redflag. You heed the warning and did what you needed.....