Unfaithful partner?

[CooperM9298]

Hello,

This is my first post, so I would like to apologise if this is in the wrong section of the forum.

Im going to summarise the events of this story and hope that some of you guys can assist me in making a decision on what to say or do with my partner.

We were both 17 at the time (3-4 weeks ago)

Back story:
> seeing eachother for 4 months
> dated for 6 months
> 3 months into relationship, her mum found of we were sexually active.
> partners mum treated her like trash for weeks
> partner was kicked out and moved in with my family for 3 months.
> partner moved to another state to live with father/grandparents.

---
The story:
> for 1-2 months I put my all into trying to maintain the LDR
> she said she didn't want it and we split up 3 weeks after she left.
> her and I were seeing eachother long distance just not dating.
> phone sex, couple activities etc occurred
> we told eachother we would stay together till she could move back.
> she shut me down, ignored me a lot and argued when I tried to talk about 'us'
> she and my parents planned a surprise visit for me on valentines day.
> day after she left, she let me know she had hooked up with her ex a couple of times(2) in the weeks and days leading up to the visit.
> she told me she didn't plan to tell me or stop if I hadnt questioned her. (I was aware they were texting and going to the gym together).
> my uni semester started and I met with a female friend, purely friends only. I told partner so she didn't find out later like I did.
> partner aggressively texted me and did not text me for half a day.
> said what I did was wrong.
> all I did was have lunch with a friend.

That's about as detailed as I think I need to get, any more and I will bore you guys to death.

Point is, she lied to me for 3-4 weeks about not having done anything with her ex and that they were over.
Meanwhile I was putting all my effort into making sure she was okay and not upset and attempting to convince her of the benefits of a LDR, after all this and all the times she shut me out and treated me badly, my feelings have changed for her, however she is now claiming to only want me and no one else.

I just want to know what you guys would advise me to do, keeping in mind I'm only 18 and she is 17(18 In 1 month). Or even what you guys would do if you were in a similar situation or my position.

Please remember we were NOT dating at the time, just technically seeing eachother.

Thank you

- C

EDIT*** she did not have sex with her ex, she kissed him and let him feel her chest through her top. Sorry for any misguiding information, but to my 18 year old, inexperienced knowledge, 'hook up' means to passionately kiss or whatever. (she explained they kissed for 2+ minutes atleast each time.

[Honour]

So she lied to you for 3-4 weeks? I think there's enough reason with that sentence alone just to kick her ass to the curb. I'm sorry, but if that was me, I'd move on and tell her straight up that you've had enough. You deserve so much better.

[R&R]

She lied to you and has a double-standard. Time to let her go and move on. You deserves someone who will be honest with you and wants to be in a relationship with you.

[sasad]

You weren't technically dating, so both of you were technically free...
You went out , platonically, with a friend. Good for you! She got mad? Why... because she felt guilty..
But, and that's a hug but, she lied. Plain and simple.
You are just 18. Go out and find someone that respects you and your feelings. You are young. Go have fun!!

[Chris516]

Regardless of the fact, you are only a teenager, you still have 'feelings', that need respect.

I posted this video: https://youtu.be/fTkHFQC3wow

yesterday in a thread titled 'Cheating Boyfriend'. But age doesn't make a difference.

This is the video to Journey's hit 'Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin':

That Steve Perry wrote about a former girlfriend who in Steve's words, "She was out doing the dirty deed with someone else".

So, You are not alone.

[sasad]

Regardless of the fact, you are only a teenager, you still have 'feelings', that need respect.

I posted this video: https://youtu.be/fTkHFQC3wow

yesterday in a thread titled 'Cheating Boyfriend'. But age doesn't make a difference.

This is the video to Journey's hit 'Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin':

That Steve Perry wrote about a former girlfriend who in Steve's words, "She was out doing the dirty deed with someone else".

So, You are not alone.

Again, that song is OLD. And he wasn't the first or last person that has been cheated on.. and that song isn't helping anyone feel better.. He is asking for advice.

Also, They were not together. so technically She did NOT cheat. She lied.

[C.C.]

Why does it matter if they are alone or not? Everyone know they are not the only ones who get cheated. Does it change the fact that they still need an advice about it?

P.S. I agree with everyone OP, I wouldn't put up with lies like that. But then again, I value honesty too much.

[Chris516]

Why does it matter if they are alone or not? Everyone know they are not the only ones who get cheated. Does it change the fact that they still need an advice about it?

P.S. I agree with everyone OP, I wouldn't put up with lies like that. But then again, I value honesty too much.

Exactly, One of my ex's. Lied about me 'up n' down the street'. When I told her to stop spreading lies, and malicious rumors about me. She accused me of 'controlling' her. Fine, The 1st Amendment gives her the right to say whatever she wanted to. Short of inciting a riot. But, I don't appreciate being lied about.

[hmrambling]

> her and I were seeing eachother long distance just not dating.
> phone sex, couple activities etc occurred
> we told eachother we would stay together till she could move back.

What does this mean? Had the two of you clearly defined whatever this was? Did the two of you say that even though you were not dating that you would be exclusive? Did either of you ask the other to not be having sex with other people? Was there some condition that if the two of you were having phone sex that you would not have sex with other people? What does that mean to not be dating and to be 'technically seeing each other'? Had the two of you defined what that means for each of you?

The reason I ask these questions is because so often people do not clearly communicate ground rules. In this case, it seems that clear communication and establishing ground rules is essential.

So many times people omit things and it causes confusion later. What was the cause of you questioning her? On what grounds did you question her? Did you have to press for those answers? If so, that speaks volumes.

[sasad]

Exactly, One of my ex's. Lied about me 'up n' down the street'. When I told her to stop spreading lies, and malicious rumors about me. She accused me of 'controlling' her. Fine, The 1st Amendment givers the right to say whatever she wanted to. Short of inciting a riot. But, I don't appreciate being lied about.

Did you read OP? And what the lie was even about? Not about "up n' anything. she lied about sleeping with an ex. Totally different than what you are talking about...

[Ella85]

She didn't technically cheat on you, but at the same time she lied. So no I wouldn't in your circumstances get back with her. I had a break with one of my CD ex's cheated on me and accused me of doing the same. I broke up with him. I'm happier with out him.

[JeanJean]

Hello,



> for 1-2 months I put my all into trying to maintain the LDR
> she said she didn't want it and we split up 3 weeks after she left.
> her and I were seeing each other long distance just not dating.
> phone sex, couple activities etc occurred
> we told eachother we would stay together till she could move back.
> she shut me down, ignored me a lot and argued when I tried to talk about 'us'


- C

C-

I am not going to try to minimize what you feel due to your age. What I am going to say is that your partner doesn't seem to be mature enough to handle the relationship. She did say she wanted to split up, she didn't want to talk about the relationship with you and You put your all into trying to maintain the relationship.

I am not saying she is a bad person, although it was wrong of her to lie. It could very well be that she doesn't want to be in a LDR, but doesn't want to hurt you by breaking up.
This is just a guess, my advice is to speak with her directly. It might not give you the answers that you want, but if she does want to end the relationship you should know that straight out.

[CooperM9298]

What does this mean? Had the two of you clearly defined whatever this was? Did the two of you say that even though you were not dating that you would be exclusive? Did either of you ask the other to not be having sex with other people? Was there some condition that if the two of you were having phone sex that you would not have sex with other people? What does that mean to not be dating and to be 'technically seeing each other'? Had the two of you defined what that means for each of you?

The reason I ask these questions is because so often people do not clearly communicate ground rules. In this case, it seems that clear communication and establishing ground rules is essential.

So many times people omit things and it causes confusion later. What was the cause of you questioning her? On what grounds did you question her? Did you have to press for those answers? If so, that speaks volumes.

It was clearly defined that what the two of us had, was to be exclusive and that if that was what one of us did not want that or changed their mind in the future, that the other partner was to be told and that would be discussed at thay time.

Exclusivity was present (both parties knew)
There was to be no sex with others
'technically seeing eachother' meant we were exclusively committed to eachother regardless of long distance.

EDIT*** sorry there's quite a few comments and I'm mixing up my replies.

The grounds for me questioning her was that the topic of her and her ex hanging out came up and I ended up asking if anything had happened, as the way she was acting and responding was different and suspicious. I did have to press for answers, it wasn't until the day after I found, that she had kissed him for 2+ minutes each time and that he had felt her chest — Which she explained to me wasn't even a big deal.

[CooperM9298]

C-

I am not going to try to minimize what you feel due to your age. What I am going to say is that your partner doesn't seem to be mature enough to handle the relationship. She did say she wanted to split up, she didn't want to talk about the relationship with you and You put your all into trying to maintain the relationship.

I am not saying she is a bad person, although it was wrong of her to lie. It could very well be that she doesn't want to be in a LDR, but doesn't want to hurt you by breaking up.
This is just a guess, my advice is to speak with her directly. It might not give you the answers that you want, but if she does want to end the relationship you should know that straight out.

She did say that she didn't want a long distance relationship, but she did, after we separated, say that she wanted me, wanted to be with me but just wasn't ready for the difficulties that come with a LDR. There was a lot of confusion, she said she wanted to maintain a friendship/relationship until she moved back, but she wasn't willing to talk to me about it, and what needed to be done to ensure that maintenance.

[R&R]

She did say that she didn't want a long distance relationship, but she did, after we separated, say that she wanted me, wanted to be with me but just wasn't ready for the difficulties that come with a LDR. There was a lot of confusion, she said she wanted to maintain a friendship/relationship until she moved back, but she wasn't willing to talk to me about it, and what needed to be done to ensure that maintenance.

So what that means is she wants you to sit there, hang on and wait for her while she goes and does what she wants. The fact that kissing another guy and letting her feel her chest was "no big deal" IS an issue. I'm sure if you kissed another girl and let her put her hands down your pants would be a "big deal".

I'm sorry, but her maturity level is no where near ready for a committed relationship. My suggestion would be to end any type of exclusive relationship and just stay friends for now. She has shown she can't handle being faithful and you don't need that.