We can't make any concrete visiting plans right now, how do I cope?

[Campanilla]

Hi, I'm recently LDR (since last Tuesday), and I'm pretty positive about it but obviously still a bit concerned about certain things.

I met my guy on Halloween of 2015. I'm Belgian, he's Spanish, we met in Belgium. He works with 6-month contracts, between a few cities. So he was in Belgium from September til early March. Now he flew back home and is waiting for his employers to contact him on his next stint. This will be either in North or South Spain and he will likely be back in Belgium in the fall/winter for 6 months. I know he's definitely returning, we just don't know when.

So I miss him but I'm glad he's with his family and friends, relaxing and having a ball.

My main concern right now is that I'm restless because we can't plan any visits right now. It would be fairly easy and cheap for us to see each other but right now, we don't know if he's leaving his city soon or not. So I can't plan anything because he's just not sure where he'll be and when.

We have sort of discussed a potential future together, as in, he said he couldn't see himself move outside Spain permanently and I have already lived n Spain and I've told him I've considered a permanent move before and would do it again. To which he said 'maybe one day'. Which is a major statement from him because he's been burnt before and is very wary about planning ahead.

The trust is okay right now, I sometimes fear he's dating me because he has very little social life in Belgium and he gets lonely. But he's really not that type of person and that's just my insecurities talking. Neither one of us are people who date casually so we've also discussed that had we not met, both of us would be single right now, and not looking for a relationship.

But, I know I would be so much calmer in my head if I had a visit to work towards, which right now is impossible. We had already planned to go to Tomorrowland in the Summer because it's 20 minutes away from where I live but considering he doesn't even know where he'll be it's hard to plan something for July in February.

How do I find rest in my head, not being able to plan a trip because neither one of us knows if he'll be moving again and if it will be in a week or a month?

Also, when we do get to plan a trip, I'll always be doing the travelling because I get days off work, how do you all work out the financies? If one of you is always the one to visit, do you split travel costs?

[Cup]

Hello and welcome to the forum and to the roller coaster of an LDR!!

Its hard in the beginning. You need to get used to the change in communication, find your routine. Once you have that in a running order, trust me, you will feel much better but, just a warning, you will feel the same every time something changes in either of your lives . Like right now he isn't working. Once he starts working again, you may feel insecure cause your routine will change etc etc.. Good thing is that once he starts working, you can visit!

About trust. This really needs time, lots of it. He needs to gain your trust and you do too. Both of you need to always follow up on your promises, if you can't make a Skype date, better tell him you can make it and don't try to make it only ending up canceling last minute. This is just one example. I found myself always checking (not like crazy) his words against his actions (as much as i could from far away). He said we will Skype at a specific time, he was always on time, we have a habit of letting the other know when we arrive home etc.. The key here is honesty of course.

I am in your shoes, i have no idea when we will meet again. As for the costs, we split. I had the same insecurities ,"he's dating me cause he has no friends where he is now", i always thought "yes, it might be it" cause i hardly knew him. Again, this needs time. Turned out, he is not dating me cause of that. Most importantly though is to realize your own insecurity in that thought, as did i. Why am i thinking i am worth so little? I mean, hey, I'm awesome! I wouldn't date me out of boredom or loneliness! The other day i had an epiphany, lets call it, i though "hey, i can live without him". Always keep that in mind in any relationship. Relationships are your choice and for him, the same!!

Regards,
Cup

[Campanilla]

Thanks for your reply!

I think I'll be okay. No one understands why I'm happy for him to leave but I know how close he is with his family and friends and he doesn't getto spend much time with them so I'm glad he's back home. Even though I miss him loads, I know he's really happy and relaxing right now so I can't but be happy and excited he gets some time off with his friends. I want him near me but he works really hard and I'm aware that spending time with me is one of the only things he truly enjoys about being in Belgium (and the beer of course, he loves bars that have 300 different beers).

We haven't set up any skypedates yet. His Mediterranean spirit makes him not very eager to plan, so I'm sure I'll be doing thke bulk of that, being all northern and organised.

About the trust. I do already really trust him a lot, as he's not the type to cheat or date around even. He really wasn't planning to date anyone while on 6-month contracts either. He was somewat hesitent of even giving it a go, knowing we'd have to say goodbye. I was a lot more 'seize the day' about it. I know that the only thing I'd potentially worry about is if he'll break up with me because he'd never cheat. But I'll build confidence as we go on. On or first date, he waited in the cold for 2 hours because I missed my last bus home and I had to wait for my brother to come pick me up.

I guess my fear of him dating me out of boredom doesn't really stem from low confidence in general. It's because I'm very aware one of my positive traits are wit and humour. But I'm not even hlf as funny in Spanish as I am in Dutch or even English. So because m constantly aware of the fact that I'm a lot less engaging in Spanish than I am in otrr languages, I feel like he'll thinknof me as boring, as he is very funny and quirky.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

My SO and I used to plan visits months in advance. It helped knowing that you only have that long until you see each other, but it also made it a lot harder because everyday I was thinking "only _____ more days!" Lately, it has just kind of worked out spur the moment and I actually really prefer it. Before we have something planned, I am able to live in the moment and really focus on me and our skype talks. When we do have something planned it's a few weeks away, so it makes the countdown go by super fast! Try to start thinking about it in a positive way like this. Yes, you don't know when or where you will see each other next, but you know that you WILL see each other next and that it'll be within the next ____ months. (say 6? sounds like he should know where he'll be by then)

We don't split the cost, per say, but if he travels I will try to pay for more dinners/groceries/outings than he does to try to balance it out a little.

Remember that he likes you for you! He wouldn't have continued LD if he wasn't that into you or just wanted someone for the time being.

[Campanilla]

I' actually hoping to visit him in May (my birthday!) or no later than June. But May would be better because I could probably visit twice or thrice before he comes back to Belgium in the fall.

I'll be definitely be the only one visiting because when he gets off from work (like now) his company flies him to his hometown for free. I doubt he'll be wanting to cut that time in half by flying to cold, cloudy Belgium when he already hates the climate here. And we'll have to get a place or something there because when he works, he lives in flats his company pay for and because of past abuse, no non-employees are allowed to enter. And when he's home, he lives with his parents because he's only there for a few weeks or months per year, so it would be stupid to pay rent for a place he doesn't use. But I know he feels bad about not having his own place so he might not want to put me up with his parents.

The reason I sometimes think he's dating me for circumstances is also because he's going to be in a semi-LDR no matter where he finds someone so it's easy he found someone in the place where he's lonely. Although I know this isn't the case, and he's not that type of person at all. Because we've talked about who would move and when marriage would be something to start discussing.

People call me crazy for doing this but I honestly feel like he's one of the first men I've ever dated where I felt like he was into the idea of moving forward and thinking about the future. But it's hard to explain people that.