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I got this advice & I think it is too harsh -- thoughts?

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    I got this advice & I think it is too harsh -- thoughts?

    My situation changed and progressed for the better, only for me to be in almost the exact same place I was last time I wrote you. And I’m an idiot for being here again.
    My boyfriend and I broke up a few months after I wrote you; he wasn’t committed to me and I found out. It took a few months of my hardly talking to him for him to get on a plane to Chicago and tell me how wrong he was. How time away from me had shown him that he was ready to commit and that he was ready to start putting in the work to make our LDR work until we can move to the same state. From August to January, he did just that. I was no longer hidden from his social media, he stopped going out and partying and leaving me waiting by the phone all night, he looked at jobs, we discussed time tables for the early stages of moving, and we were in communication every few weeks about our feelings on the subject of closing the distance. It was everything I had always been wanting out of him, and I started to believe in his words and actions.

    Until January. He closed off again, got distant, came up with excuses on why we hadn’t been talking about it recently. He gave me reasons why he no longer was looking to move to Chicago, at least any time soon. While some of them are decent reasons, like cleaning up his debt a little bit so he can improve his credit, a lot of them were just excuses for an indecisive person. He loves me, he says, I’m perfect, I’m everything he wants, but he is still unsure if, when we close the distance, he will be able to provide me the type of daily commitment I am wanting. He’s too afraid to take the risk.

    I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Decisions like this take time and I know that. We’ve been together for over a year besides the two months we didn’t see each other. He’s not ready right now to put the effort into coming up with an end game, but how long do I wait? Is it still too early to say goodbye and tell him he should know by now? Or do I respect the open communication about his conflicted interests and keep having the conversation until it becomes more solidified one way? I love this man and I believe in my heart that our relationship can sustain itself once we move together, but I can’t convince someone else to ignore his fears and reservations.

    So, I ask you Wendy, as someone who has made that decision and who was nervous about moving to NY and kept her things in storage in the event it didn’t work out, would you say goodbye if you were I? Would you make the decision to move on because it has been this long and we are no longer closer to figuring it out? Or do I give it some more time? Rushing someone to make a huge decision is never a good thing. I just hope I’m not waiting around for him to be done having fun with me…


    "You’re doing the same thing in this letter that you did in the one you sent last May; you’re comparing your long-distance relationship to mine. Yes, when I started my LDR, I lived in Chicago and my then-boyfriend (now-husband) lived in New York, but that’s where the similarities end. Drew never wavered in his commitment to me. If he had, I NEVER would have moved and I never would have hung around for months and months, hoping he’d change. Drew never told me that he was afraid to take the risk. He didn’t avoid making a game plan and discussing time tables (quite the opposite, actually). And, for Christ’s sake, there wasn’t a child involved! You still have a child, right? You don’t even mention her in this letter. I guess she’s six now? It’s one thing to put yourself through an emotionally abusive relationship (and that’s exactly where this is headed, by the way); it’s incredibly irresponsible and, you know, potentially damaging to drag your little girl through it, too. She deserves better.

    How many times and how many ways does this guy have to tell you that he’s not committed to you? HE’S NOT COMMITTED TO YOU. He’s not going to commit to you. He’s not going to move to you. And if you move to him, pulling your daughter away from the only home she knows — or, worse, leaving her behind — you and your daughter will both be screwed over so bad, and your relationship with her may never recover.

    Please take the blinders off. This man doesn’t really love you. He may like you and he may enjoy your company and he might even wish he could be the right man for you. But he isn’t. He isn’t now and he isn’t ever going to be. And he will never, ever, move for you. But you should move. Move on from him. Move on, move on, move on already."

    Side note: I'm not planning on uprooting my daughter to NY for him. That was a year ago that I had mentioned that. I thought about it and came back down to earth that I would not move to NY unless the commitment was 10 fold what I am receiving now. The conversation is about him moving here now ... and that is all it has been for about 8 months.

    #2
    Your post is a bit confusing - did you ask a blogger (whose name is Wendy?) a question and then just copied your question and her answer here?

    I don't know about the previous letter or anything, but I will say that actions speak louder than words. He may tell you all those things about how you're perfect and he doesn't want to be without you, but he's backpedaling on actually *acting* on moving to you. His action of him coming to Chicago to talk to you and then showing you more commitment was a good step, and I think based on this you weren't in the wrong to give him a second chance.

    No one can tell you if a year is too early for him to be able to know whether he wants to move with you. Some people take years, whereas others know early on. My SO moved to Arizona just for me after around a year and a half of dating, uprooting himself and not even having a job lined up here. It was a tough situation but he knew he wanted to move with me, we just had to figure out the logistics. If you truly feel like his reasons are not valid then I think you have your answer. However if there's a chance that all of these reasons are valid, you'll have to get him to talk to you and work on a plan. For example the debt thing: what's his plan for getting his credit score better, on what time line?

    Good luck
    So, here you are
    too foreign for home
    too foreign for here.
    Never enough for both.

    Ijeoma Umebinyuo, Diaspora Blues

    Comment


      #3
      Whaaaaaat? Why does commitment define love?
      YOU are the one who knows the best whether he loves you or not and no one else. YOU know the dynamics of the relationship.
      And I don't think a guy is supposed to take such a HUGE step in only a year. He's going to leave behind everything he has, why is it surprising that he is scared of it? He may not even be ready for whatever he said himself. But no, lack of commitment doesn't mean lack of love in any way possible.
      I mean, your relationship is not in the best condition right now and it still needs handling, which I don't really know how, but that advice WAS too harsh. Maybe she got mad by comparison or something but still. Some don't have problems with commitment and yeah that's cool, but the ones who have more trouble with it and who are more scared to take big steps... they aren't necessarily lacking love, they just might be different types of persons. I mean, yes, it might be true that he doesn't love you, but it might as well just be him being scared and worried, because he is that kind of guy.
      Last edited by C.C.; March 8, 2016, 02:30 PM.

      Comment


        #4
        I don't think it was too harsh... It was written by someone who cares about you. She is saying that you can't base your relationship on hers, or anyone else's for that matter. She also seems concerned that you are basically writing the same letter you did a year ago with the exact same concerns.

        I don't agree with her knowing what HE is thinking or feeling. Again, that is something only he knows. And if he communicates that to you, then you of course would believe what he is telling you.

        I am kinda confused by his comment about being able to "provide you the daily commitment you are wanting"

        And as a parent, I would be leary of moving my child unless there was a real commitment. Period.

        Comment


          #5
          I think the reply wasn't too harsh, at least her intention. I think she meant well but she wrote it too harsh yes. I understand the perspective of ur guy aswell.. im not sure whether i would be able to move to him that soon while my relationship still needs lots to fix on. I would advise you to first improve your relationship. Try looking the situation from his side because now i feel like your kinda blaming everything on him or something. Leaving behind everything you have is hard. And you only have a relationship for such a short time. Im sure that if you have a good talk and then work on building up your relationsip he might change his opinion. Btw im wondering, in those months fron august till januari, did he do everything you wanted because you wanted it or because he wishes to be like that? And did you 'behave" like his wishes aswell? How would he want you to be in the realtionship? ^^

          Comment


            #6
            Well just to make it clear, I don't think her intention itself was harsh or mean either but the message itself was, imo.
            This part hit me especially
            Please take the blinders off. This man doesn’t really love you. He may like you and he may enjoy your company and he might even wish he could be the right man for you. But he isn’t. He isn’t now and he isn’t ever going to be. And he will never, ever, move for you. But you should move. Move on from him. Move on, move on, move on already.
            I kind of take this from guy's side, though.

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by Ejoriah View Post
              Your post is a bit confusing - did you ask a blogger (whose name is Wendy?) a question and then just copied your question and her answer here?

              I don't know about the previous letter or anything, but I will say that actions speak louder than words. He may tell you all those things about how you're perfect and he doesn't want to be without you, but he's backpedaling on actually *acting* on moving to you. His action of him coming to Chicago to talk to you and then showing you more commitment was a good step, and I think based on this you weren't in the wrong to give him a second chance.

              No one can tell you if a year is too early for him to be able to know whether he wants to move with you. Some people take years, whereas others know early on. My SO moved to Arizona just for me after around a year and a half of dating, uprooting himself and not even having a job lined up here. It was a tough situation but he knew he wanted to move with me, we just had to figure out the logistics. If you truly feel like his reasons are not valid then I think you have your answer. However if there's a chance that all of these reasons are valid, you'll have to get him to talk to you and work on a plan. For example the debt thing: what's his plan for getting his credit score better, on what time line?

              Good luck
              Yes, so I wrote this Wendy lady a post after seeing she had a blog about how she was in an LDR (Chicago to NY like my situation) and how she moved to NY. She talked about how she wasnt sure how it would work out, how she left her stuff in storage in Chicago just in case, how she liked her life in Chicago but made the decision. It hit home a lot. But when I wrote to her last May, we had just went through a rough patch, he broke up with me because the distance was too much. So I was emotional and very frantic about trying to make it work. A lot of what I said in May is no longer how I feel, I was really unrealistic and blindsided by my love for him that I was considering moving to NY for someone that I had only been with in a LDR for 6 months. I know it was too soon and too crazy, especially being a mother. So that is the back story to the first post.

              I think his reasons are valid to some extent. I understand he has some things clouding his chances to move on with his life, to better his life, like his credit and building up a savings. Those are valid reasons. It's really important to him and if he feels like he has to take care of it before making a big decision, I can respect that. His timetable to make a change in his living arrangements is this November so my thought process has always been okay, lets see where things go until like July/August and I will start pushing that conversation more. If he decides to move to Chicago come fall, we would need to start planning a few months before that.

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by C.C. View Post
                Whaaaaaat? Why does commitment define love?
                YOU are the one who knows the best whether he loves you or not and no one else. YOU know the dynamics of the relationship.
                And I don't think a guy is supposed to take such a HUGE step in only a year. He's going to leave behind everything he has, why is it surprising that he is scared of it? He may not even be ready for whatever he said himself. But no, lack of commitment doesn't mean lack of love in any way possible.
                I mean, your relationship is not in the best condition right now and it still needs handling, which I don't really know how, but that advice WAS too harsh. Maybe she got mad by comparison or something but still. Some don't have problems with commitment and yeah that's cool, but the ones who have more trouble with it and who are more scared to take big steps... they aren't necessarily lacking love, they just might be different types of persons. I mean, yes, it might be true that he doesn't love you, but it might as well just be him being scared and worried, because he is that kind of guy.
                I completely agree, while I am a commitment type person, and if I didn't have my daughter, I would move to him in a heartbeat, he is not that type of person. So I don't feel like he should KNOW already if he wants to move, but I do think after a year and a half, we are closing in on the conversation of "are we wasting each other's time? or do we want to make this work?" I know he loves me, I don't think anyone would continue to be in a LDR in their mid-20s if he didn't feel something special with me, especially since he strayed earlier on in our relationship. He came back and he has shown he is a good boyfriend, but I still just do not know if he is in love with me and wants to make it work or if he is just settling for me? He has made both statements. The rollercoaster is real.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by Astysuphos View Post
                  I think the reply wasn't too harsh, at least her intention. I think she meant well but she wrote it too harsh yes. I understand the perspective of ur guy aswell.. im not sure whether i would be able to move to him that soon while my relationship still needs lots to fix on. I would advise you to first improve your relationship. Try looking the situation from his side because now i feel like your kinda blaming everything on him or something. Leaving behind everything you have is hard. And you only have a relationship for such a short time. Im sure that if you have a good talk and then work on building up your relationsip he might change his opinion. Btw im wondering, in those months fron august till januari, did he do everything you wanted because you wanted it or because he wishes to be like that? And did you 'behave" like his wishes aswell? How would he want you to be in the realtionship? ^^
                  Your advice is well received. We have improved our relationship. It was rocky when we started again in August, we hit a rough patch in January, but we are constantly learning from each other, and I do see effort on both sides. While, mine is definitely more, like an earlier poster said, not every personality is the same. He has been a committed boyfriend to me since August, and for the most part the only things that worry me are when he randomly gets depressed about the situation and falls into a few days where he feels like breaking up with me, telling me he won't move, he doesn't know if I am the one he wants to end up with ,etc. But then it's followed by a week of I love you so much, I want this to work, I can't wait to do ABC with you, etc. So like I said, back and forth is what is driving me crazy. I'm a few years older than him and I feel like I'm taking this more seriously than him. Which is fine. I just dont want to waste my time on someone who is just doing this for the sake of doing it, cuz sometimes it seems that way.

                  As far as me, I have changed some things that were bothering him as well. I don't blame him for every problem we have, even though I do believe a lot of it is him, i work on being a better girlfriend for him every day. And since we had a really good convo about it in February, it has improved....just like I said not the moving part. But my thought process has been maybe that will come now that we have gotten some of those issues out in the open, and have worked on them to be a better more satisfied couple.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Thank you for all the feedback. I definitely think it was a harsh way to say it because I don't believe this is an easy choice for everyone. For me, I'd move for him in a heartbeat if my situation was different so I don't see why he can't make up his mind, but I don't believe in just writing it off because it's been over a year and we aren't any further on the conversation. I was seeking advice because sometimes I feel like giving up ... sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time. But other times I dont, I feel like I'll be with him one day, I just don't know when. It's a really scary thing for both of us to go through. Me reaching out to her was for ADVICE, not to be told that my boyfriend doesn't love me because he doesn't want to move here already.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by HeartIsInNY View Post
                      I completely agree, while I am a commitment type person, and if I didn't have my daughter, I would move to him in a heartbeat, he is not that type of person. So I don't feel like he should KNOW already if he wants to move, but I do think after a year and a half, we are closing in on the conversation of "are we wasting each other's time? or do we want to make this work?" I know he loves me, I don't think anyone would continue to be in a LDR in their mid-20s if he didn't feel something special with me, especially since he strayed earlier on in our relationship. He came back and he has shown he is a good boyfriend, but I still just do not know if he is in love with me and wants to make it work or if he is just settling for me? He has made both statements. The rollercoaster is real.


                      He has said that to you? I can see and understand why you would want a more definitive answer after 1.5 years... Just concerning that is his response. Maybe he loves you but is not in love? Did he go with another women when you all broke up or did he just want space. Just curious, have you all talked about his role etc in your child's life ? My SO is adamant about signing up for the package deal with me and my youngest. How does he feel and plan to fit in?
                      Last edited by sasad; March 9, 2016, 10:56 AM.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by sasad View Post
                        [/B]
                        He has said that to you? I can see ne'er stand why you would want a more definitive answer after 1.5 years... Just cioncerning that is his response. Maybe he loves you but is not in love? Did he go with another women when you all broke up or did he just want space. Just curious, have you all talked about his role etc in your child's life ? My SO is adamant about signing up for the package deal with me and my youngest. How does he feel and plan to fit in?
                        There are times when, for whatever reason, he has stated that he just doesn't know if he wants to end up with me. Sometimes I think it is just him being afraid and sometimes I have to ask myself if he means it. But like I said, he says the opposite the next week so it's hard to follow. My theory, and I'm good at reading people, has always been that when he misses me too much, or starts to panic about the future, that is when he pushes back on our relationship. But some people tell me that I am just finding excuses for the fact that he doesn't want to be with me for the long haul. But how can anyone know? I don't even think he knows.

                        As far as the parenting thing, we have talked about it. She's 6 so it's not like she is a baby or anything. I do think that scares him more than he admits, but anytime I bring it up he doesn't ever make it seem like he doesn't want to do that. But I do think the fact that I am a parent, I do have a more settled life for a 28 year old, that does make him nervous. It's not just committing to a relationship here in Chicago with me, it's committing to a pretty "family" oriented life which is more than just 2 20 year olds dating.

                        He did go with another woman when we broke up and that is a whole mess I would rather not get into. It was only for a month, he broke it off with her, came to Chicago to apologize. And since, I know he has been faithful now, I won't get into why, but trust me, it's different now that it was before so I know he wouldn't be doing me wrong again like that. The first time we started this, I don't think he took it seriously, but when I left him for a few months, I think he realized how in love with me he was. Like you said tho ... does he love me or is he in love with me? Who the fuck knows. I hate this lol

                        Comment


                          #13
                          I don't think she's being harsh. I think she's being realistic. And it's true... you can't really compare your LDR to anyone else's. Every relationship is different, and has different defining lines between each couple.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Originally posted by HeartIsInNY View Post
                            There are times when, for whatever reason, he has stated that he just doesn't know if he wants to end up with me. Sometimes I think it is just him being afraid and sometimes I have to ask myself if he means it. But like I said, he says the opposite the next week so it's hard to follow. My theory, and I'm good at reading people, has always been that when he misses me too much, or starts to panic about the future, that is when he pushes back on our relationship. But some people tell me that I am just finding excuses for the fact that he doesn't want to be with me for the long haul. But how can anyone know? I don't even think he knows.

                            As far as the parenting thing, we have talked about it. She's 6 so it's not like she is a baby or anything. I do think that scares him more than he admits, but anytime I bring it up he doesn't ever make it seem like he doesn't want to do that. But I do think the fact that I am a parent, I do have a more settled life for a 28 year old, that does make him nervous. It's not just committing to a relationship here in Chicago with me, it's committing to a pretty "family" oriented life which is more than just 2 20 year olds dating.

                            He did go with another woman when we broke up and that is a whole mess I would rather not get into. It was only for a month, he broke it off with her, came to Chicago to apologize. And since, I know he has been faithful now, I won't get into why, but trust me, it's different now that it was before so I know he wouldn't be doing me wrong again like that. The first time we started this, I don't think he took it seriously, but when I left him for a few months, I think he realized how in love with me he was. Like you said tho ... does he love me or is he in love with me? Who the fuck knows. I hate this lol
                            Wow... no wonder you are so confused.... Mixed signals for sure. And doesn't seem like you can get any definite answers either. When will you be seeing each other again? Maybe a face to face would help solve some of your issues?

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by sasad View Post
                              Wow... no wonder you are so confused.... Mixed signals for sure. And doesn't seem like you can get any definite answers either. When will you be seeing each other again? Maybe a face to face would help solve some of your issues?
                              We have had face to face conversations. The face to face ones are the hardest because I think he definitely wants it when we are together and then when we are apart is when he gets negative, emotional, and indecisive. We see each other every 4-6 weeks. I just saw him 2 weeks ago, we are planning on early April, but nothing has been decided for sure at this time.

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