Breakup for good or breakup for now?

[Miasmata]

CC put it exactly right. It's not easy, but necessary. You won't make anything better by forcing contact, for neither her nor yourself. Instead, give yourself time to heal and learn from the experiences you made. Learning to trust people and their words is hard, and you'll have to challenge those paranoid/nasty thought patterns whenever you can, but every step you move in that direction is a step towards a healthier view on other people and your relationships with them. All the best.

[differentcountries]

Just wondering because you guys make it sound like a piece of cake to get over someone. Not saying any of you are wrong btw.I just know it's never that easy and I am obviously struggling with that

yes, you are hurting. And it looks like you have been trying to analyze yourself and that you regret what you did to her, at least somewhat. And it is sweet that you want her back, for sure, even if you have a big chunk of responsability for the breakup.

But the thing is; she started dating someone who was loving and caring towards her, and then out of the blue accuses her of cheating. That comes from your insecurities, I am sure. But it comes out as very real agression and unfair accusations for her. Having your loved one accuse you of unfair things is extremely hard. It means that all the best and all the worst comes form the same person. That is borderline abuse, and certainly an insane rollercoster of emotions.

Let me tell you a story. I too was the one to finally call it quits, although the decition was rather mutual, but here we go:

I once dated someone very sweet and sensitive, I mean the "gives to charities, works as a school teacher" kind of nice person. It was that person's first relationship, I had had only short relationships before too, we were both inexperienced and innocent - in that order. We did not know what we were doing. I was not super socially secure, but more so than my loved one, I had more friends and spent more time with them. That made my loved one upset. If I left to see my friends, I "did not care enough". If I did not want my love to control exactly how and where my friends would spend the day, for instance if we had decided to go swimming, my love asked to joint and wanted to change the location after we were already on our way and was told no, I "did not care about anyone's feelings and I just said that to be alone so I could cheat with my friends". If I left to see friends in a different city, I would "use the uppertunty to cheat for sure". There was not much jealousy in a normal setting, like if we were in the same room with other people, but every time I would physically leave, all abandoment issues came out and the "you are going to cheat" popped up. No matter how absurd it was, no matter how many times I said "I love you, I would not cheat". It was like a tune in my loved one's head that never stopped playing. My loved one claimed that I was the more attractive one, which meant that I would cheat, or leave, or both. In my loved one's mind, the relationship had a bulit in disadvantage in that sense, which to me was totally absurd and I had no idea how to respond.

Eventually, I did cheat, and I did leave, although not in the sense that was predicted. My loved one fell out of love with me - sadly, I think because of the stories that went on mainly in my loved one's head - and started to treat me not very nice. Accusations came, not of just cheating, but raw agression. I broke something that belonged to my love by accident and even if I mended it to look as good as new, that was the mantra: I did things on purpuse to hurt, because I was a bad person. I was not romantic enough, even if I planned dinners in restaurants and bought gifts. It was extremely hurtful and confusing to get all these accusations.

I did cheat, with one of our close friends who was in love with me (we are married today). It wasn't that I craved sex so much, it was I craved someone who was not being a totall ass to me the whole time I was being nice and normal to them. And while I take responsabilityand see that I behaved hurtful, I don't think I was fairly treated. It took me about 5-6 years to get to a place where I was ready to forgive my ex and start to be in touch like friends. Looking back, we both behaved like children. We have come a long way when it comes to owning our own shit. We were both too afraid of real, honest confrontation and hacking out sound boundries, were naive that love would solve it all and knew too little about communication. I also think that the pertiular trigger of my ex was very hard to get over for me, because it is wired in my personality that I need some personal freedom to not feel suffocated. I have since heard that future exes of my ex found dating tiring because of all the attention demanded.

You have lost your love. Don't make it worse by insisting that she owns you something when in fact you drove her away in the first place. Perhaps you can stay in touch some time in the future, perhaps not. Trying to keep in touch with her now is the worst thing you can do, because it shows that you still see things mainly from your own point of view. I don't know if she will ever take you back. I do know I would never take my ex back, even if by a miracle there was a personality change, the memories are just too bad to get over. We click as friends now, becdause I am treated nicely as a friend, but as lovers, well that chapter is closed.

What you can do, however, is use you youth and this experience to try to work on yourself. If you want another person to love, you don't want them to eventually leave for the exact same reasons - which is not too wild a guess of what might happen if you don't change something about the way you respond when you get upset. Life is about taking chances, even at close distance you can't survail a person, and if that doesn't suit you, you are going to have a difficult time dating. You say that you realize you made mistakes, well, that is just not good enough. You have to prove you have changed, and so far you are failing big time in that when you keep contacting her even though she doesn't want any contact.

Loosing love is hard. Take time to heal and to build your own life and yourself. That is really what anyone can do; make some real, uncomfortable changes within themselves to become a better person. A mistake is not so bad if you learn from it.

[whatruckus]

I don't know what else to tell you, because it seems really hard for you to understand that she wants space. And it's completely obvious. Every one copes with a break up in their own ways. I deleted and blocked my 2 of my exes because it was easier for me. Plus, they both pissed me off. One told me he "fell in love" with one of our mutual friends. It took me over a year to start talking to him again, and now we're friends. The other I was with for 5 years, and had plans of marrying, but he couldn't stop flirting and cheating with other girls. I have not, and will not, ever talk to him again. He was a complete scum bag and asshole while we were dating. Emotionally abusive. Plus, the last girl he cheated on me with is the one he married. Also, he accused me of cheating constantly and me having guy friends was a big no-no for him. I wasn't allowed to hang out with guy friends I had for years, and that I grew up with. But, it was always okay for him (wonder why ).

My former SO, we still talk occasionally, and we've deleted each other on Facebook and Xbox. But, this is because we both still want to remain in contact. We don't hate each other. It just didn't work out the way we planned. And, we were together for 3 years.

As everyone, including myself, has stated: you've hurt her. A lot. And, she is choosing to go the delete-and-block route because you hurt her so much and made her angry.

[Anomalous1]

So you in essence you think my ex cheated just because someone was probably making her feel better in the moment? That wouldn't be any better than my lack of trust

[Harlequin]

So you in essence you think my ex cheated just because someone was probably making her feel better in the moment? That wouldn't be any better than my lack of trust

How did you even come to that conclusion? No one has said anything even remotely similar to that. What everyone is saying is that you need to leave her alone and move on. It's going to suck, but that's life and you need to deal with the consequences of your actions. She owes you nothing, and the fact that she hasn't blocked you everywhere is neither here nor there.
So suck it up, cut your losses, and don't make these mistakes again in your next relationship.

[whatruckus]

So you in essence you think my ex cheated just because someone was probably making her feel better in the moment? That wouldn't be any better than my lack of trust

What are you even talking about right now?

No one said anything about your ex cheating. Where are you even getting this from? Where, in this thread, in everyone's replies, did you get that from? No one thinks she cheated. YOU are the one who kept thinking she was going to cheat, so in essence, you are the only one saying that you think she cheated right now.

We are all saying that you need to leave her alone and give her space. Don't talk to her, don't message her, don't try to bother her any more. She's already made it extremely clear that she does not want to speak to you any more, nor does she want to be with you. Can that change in the future? Maybe, but honestly...don't hold your breath. Especially with the way you treated her that ultimately led to your break up.

I'm honestly flabbergasted that you even came to that conclusion. Please re-read all of our replies to you, because I still don't think it's sinking in to your brain. You're still hung up on the fact that you believe she would have, or did, cheat. The fact of the matter is that none of this matters anymore because she chose to end the relationship.

Yeah, it sucks going through a break up, but being hung up on silly things like how she hasn't blocked you on everything is going to make it worse (clearly).

You made a mistake. A big one. Now, learn from it. Don't repeat it again. Don't let your insecurities and doubts cloud your mind again in your next relationship.

[WarwickGuy]

So you in essence you think my ex cheated just because someone was probably making her feel better in the moment? That wouldn't be any better than my lack of trust

I know differentcountries said she cheated on her ex, but she was explaining her story and her experiences. She never said that your ex-gf has done the same and differentcountries herself only did after a significant period were she was accused of cheating and treated very nastily (any of the last part about accusations sounding familiar?). You've taken the wrong message from the story. She was trying to tell you what caused her to breakup with her ex, the causes, not the results that came from the causes.

As others have said, give her space and although it won't be easy, you will feel better in time. I hope your recovery goes well and you learn from the problems you experienced in this relationship (especially the mistakes you've made) and you will do better in the next one.

[Anomalous1]

What happened to the times where trying to talk things out was viewed as a positive thing? I get it. I was the first to admit i screwed up. I can't force her to speak to me at all. However, persistence and fighting for someone used to be a good thing. Now it just makes you "that ex". I do not want to be labled that guy by her. At the same time i do not want to be forgotten

[ChloChlo]

Persistence and "fighting for someone" is only a good thing if that is what you both want. You should have been persistent and fought for your relationship while you were still in one. These are the consequences and you have to live with them. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

[whatruckus]

What happened to the times where trying to talk things out was viewed as a positive thing? I get it. I was the first to admit i screwed up. I can't force her to speak to me at all. However, persistence and fighting for someone used to be a good thing. Now it just makes you "that ex". I do not want to be labled that guy by her. At the same time i do not want to be forgotten

Or, you can be labeled as the "Crazy Ex" because you won't drop it, to the point where she'll literally block you on everything, and if you keep trying, then maybe get a restraining order against you.

You can fight up to a point, and you've reached that point. Leave her alone.

It really just seems like you can't take "No" as an answer, when she's made it clear as day...as everyone else has with their replies, that she doesn't want to talk to you.

You can't keep pushing yourself on her just because you can't accept that it's over. You're 20. You're young. You'll find someone else. Hopefully though, you won't be this obsessive and insecure the next time around. If a girl wants to end it, or anyone for that matter, and they don't want to talk to you anymore, drop it. It's over. End. Done. Fin.

Move on. Leave them be.

I, honestly, still can not get over how you can not comprehend this to the point where I'm wondering if we're being trolled. I'm not apologizing for being harsh either, because you don't seem to be "getting it".

Also, a huge FYI: It's possible for a guy and a girl to be friends with nothing ever happening between them. It's up to you to trust that person. Once you break that trust, welp, there's no coming back from it really. I've had many guy friends, where nothing ever happened on either side. Why? Because it's possible to be friends with the opposite sex, without wanting to get into their pants. So, your mindset that you know how "all" guys are is crap. And, it also insinuates that you think females can't be trusted either. Otherwise, you wouldn't have made the accusations you did that led you to your break up.

[WarwickGuy]

What happened to the times where trying to talk things out was viewed as a positive thing? I get it. I was the first to admit i screwed up. I can't force her to speak to me at all. However, persistence and fighting for someone used to be a good thing. Now it just makes you "that ex". I do not want to be labled that guy by her. At the same time i do not want to be forgotten

They still exist. Those times where she turns to leave and as she goes to walk off, where she is hoping you will grab her by the elbow and ask her not to leave, they do exist (even if what I've described is romanticised). However, space is important too and if she has blocked you to make it difficult to resume contact, she wants her space. If she talks to you again soon you can fight. You can give her reasons to stay and promises that things will improve. She has to be open to those things though.

To illustrate my example, these two songs are both about the end of a relationship, but in both cases the man gives the wrong reaction, 1) let's go when he should fight for her and 2) fights for her when he should let go (first song has subtitles). The importance is knowing when each is applicable

1) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v489sYYjtHI

2) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMihKmoYfe8

You won't be forgotten, you just won't be part of her life as you once were. I doubt any of us forget our exes. As Whatruckus says, you don't want to be the 'crazy ex', rather you want to be the one where there were great moments, but sadly it didn't work out.

[whatruckus]

They still exist. Those times where she turns to leave and as she goes to walk off, where she is hoping you will grab her by the elbow and ask her not to leave, they do exist (even if what I've described is romanticised). However, space is important too and if she has blocked you to make it difficult to resume contact, she wants her space. If she talks to you again soon you can fight. You can give her reasons to stay and promises that things will improve. She has to be open to those things though.

This is the most important thing that you really need to grasp. She is not open to it right now. So, please leave her alone and give her space.

[Anomalous1]

Thanks

[differentcountries]

Letting someone go is not easy, especially not young love. It is not easy to explain how it needs to be done, but here are some suggestions: https://www.wikihow.com/Let-Go-of-So...u-Deeply-Loved

[Kapwned]

This feels like it's turning into another case of a guy who just can't accept no for an answer. You're trying to read between her lines, the lines of the people here, and look for signs in order to grasp onto a small glimmer of hope. As far as the gestures she's made, I'd just consider it done and start the moving on process. Have a breather, talk to a professional if you wish, keep yourself busy, don't go looking for fallback girls though, that never ends well. If she's ever ready to talk, she'll come around. Until then, you owe it to yourself and to her to not fret or push her.

Envy for our partner's friends while in a LDR is understandable, but acting like a jealous lover is another thing and never good for a relationship.

You have to see this from a girl's perspective. I am not saying you fit this the criteria, but relationship issues can be scary for girls. A man acting jealous over other men that the woman has to be around is a potential sign of future abuse and manipulation. And the fact that you keep on persisting despite her clear desire for distance is a potential sign that you refuse to accept it and won't take no for an answer and will grasp at any loophole you can find. This too can lead to abuse and manipulation.

She said she was done, she blocked various forms of contact, and she has shown an unwillingness to talk to you. Leave it at that.