He says I deserve better

[Sunday82]

My long distance boyfriend is behaving really upset lately.
He has some problems going on he told me about. Recently I saw him and things seemed fine between us.
However last week he didnt respond to my message so I already knew something was not right.

Now he told me I should forget him, that I deserve better them him.
That I should find a nice men....

He has said these things to me before. He suffers from depression so I think he is just having extreme moodswings lately and when he has these moodswings he can be very impulsive and say things he later regrets. Now I reacted pretty lightly and changed the subject so I basicly avoided to talk about this problem by mail/text. I prefer to talk to him in person about this.

Now this is going on from the beginning:
1.Trust issues, he doesent trust me, thinks I have other men.
2. Depression, low self esteem.

I think a long distance relationship is making it worse, for him life is very complicated and a long distance relationship makes it even more complicated.
Is this is a way for him to break up or pushing me to break up with him? At this point its really confusing, one day he tells me he wants to marry and the other day he tells me I should find a better person.


Anyone advice on this situation?

[JaneEmily]

Oh boy, your SO sounds like things I've said when I've let my anxiety take control. It's a mixture of his insecurities and his depression. People who suffer with mental health issues tend to always think they don't deserve the person they love/who loves them, to us it makes no sense that there's someone out there who loves us unconditionally because we have a 'problem' that isn't easily fixed - and in our eyes, your time is better used with someone who isn't 'as broken' as us. We don't mean to say them, we just tend to blurt those thoughts out. I'd communicate with your SO about how this is making you feel as well, as he is basically alerting you to his depression taking control. When I get in a circle of 'why are you with me? There's plenty girls out there who aren't like me and are better, who don't have issues' my SO always reassures me that I'm the one he wants regardless of what mental state I'm in. Maybe it's your SO's way of also asking for that reassurance....just be wary - him needing the constant reassurance can and will most likely turn into a vicious circle of frustration for the both of you: with him always needing the reassurance from you, and as the person without the need for reassurance it will likely get tiresome. I'd advise him to speak to a therapist or a professional to get down to the bottom of why he thinks these things with your support

[hmrambling]

When people show me who they are, I tend to believe them these days. I can't make up some story in my mind about who I want them to be.

In the past, when I was with someone who said that I deserved better, it turned out that I did. If someone tells me something like that today, I will believe them.

I need a partner who knows her self worth and believes they are worthy of my time, attention, and a relationship with me.

[R&R]

It's also a saying that is used when someone wants to break up but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. It's another version of the old "It's not you, it's me" line.

[Sunday82]

thank you all for taking the time to answer. I really don´t know what to do. He told me again its not me but thats it him who has a problem and he doesent want me to see him like this. He tells me a family member is the same as him and that it only gets worse so its better for me to leave him now then years later. I find it hard to really believe him cause ofcourse he has a problem, but he also questioned me several times if I am seeing someone else. The problem is that I didnt really respond with much words. I just said a simple ´No´, so he might not believe me cause I was very quiet after that being said.

He keeps asking me this question everytime I see him I think he feels so insecure that this maybe be also a factor in him breaking it off now.He probably doesent believe me so he can´t trust me and this might also be a reason to push me away, cause he can´t handle the idea I might be cheating on him and he doesent know for sure. Cause why does he keep asking this if he thinks I deserve better? Why is it such a big deal when you want a person to leave you anyway?
I still don't understand his trust issues, but I have noticed he is constantly comparing himself to other men and I think because in his mind he doesent understand why I would choose to be with him instead of other men. I think I didn't give him enough compliments and he started to feel less and less confident around me. He probably feels better being alone then being with me for this reason. I am just not sure what's really on his mind.

I dont know if I should reassure him I am really not dating other men and tell him I really only love him or will that push him further away?? Cause if he really doesent want to be with me anymore, telling him I really love him might push him even further away. I am really confused

[Elizabeth123]

If he won't communicate with you there's little chance of this working out. Explain your thoughts and feelings to him. Be prepared to move on...maybe he will realize his loss.

[differentcountries]

It sounds to me like his depression and insecurities is doing the talking. My SO is not a jealous guy but sometimes insecure, I have had to give "speaches" many times to him for this reason. He loves it when I give him genuine compliments, which is also why he likes the books I have made. Even through his depression I kept telling him how proud I am of him, how beautiful he is to me and how dear he is to my heart. I also simply told him that he was free to leave, but that I wouldn't be convinced to leave on my own. I think that anchored him into making staying with me a positive choice. In my head, I had a time limit and I was prepared to act on it.

[Telephone]

Anxiety can make you say really weird/stupid/depressing/hurtful things. Depression even more so. I can sort of understand your SO, because at times I'd say similar stuff to my partner.

The most important thing is: what is he doing to prevent that? I'm not even asking about you as a couple; letting depression and anxiety devour you is not the way to go. He should be working to get rid of both not for you, but for himself (first and foremost). I'm far from saying people suffering from anxiety/depression are unfit for a relationship, but these issues WILL actively try to destroy them (and many other things in one's life).

If he doesn't do anything - so, if he decides to continue being in this state of mind, with anxiety/depression - it's time for you to think of yourself. Showing support is absolutely important and vital, yes, but you're not a robot. If you show support and reassure him many times, but there's no incentive for him to act, it might be a lost cause.

In case with me and my partner? Anxiety and depression are things I'm extremely familiar with. I've been dealing with them for years. When I first met my current SO, I wasn't in therapy, as I thought I didn't need it anymore. Only after doing similar things to my partner (saying he can do better, always doubting his feelings etc.) did I realize I needed to act - and quick. Went to therapy and now I'm slowly working things out. For me - and, naturally, for him as well. But if I hadn't decided about making that step on my own, I doubt we'd be together still, no matter how strong my SO is in general.

My point is, ask him about therapy. See whether he is ready to do something about his current state of mind. It's not healthy for him or for anyone around him, not good for his relationship. A vicious cycle. A step needs to be taken - and he's the one to take it in the first place. Neverending reassurance with no real medical help coming after it won't change anything in a long run. He deserves to live a happy, healthy life and be in a relationship like that, but so do YOU.

[Kapwned]

My main concern is the fact that he consistently accuses you of seeing other men and acquires about it. I have suffered from chronic anxiety the vast majority of my life and I would NEVER expect to be excused for making such accusations or insinuations. While I want to be sympathetic toward him, his insecurities are quite possibly a separate issue from his depression, or they may even be causing the depression, I don't know. But depression or not, it is never an excuse to accuse your partner of such things and to require constant reassurance that they aren't cheating on you. The fact that you already feel like you didn't do enough simply because you give a simple 'no' is a sign that you are already placing too much responsibility on yourself. It sounds like he is in serious need of some professional help. Constantly bringing up the topic of you seeing other men is not a good thing. Mental illness is a valid issue, but it isn't a get away free card. His insecurities are issues he needs to address on his own or else he may become toxic, manipulative, and abusive toward you in the long run. It is not your job to make him happy, or fix him, and to pacify his insecurities, and you most certainly cannot treat his depression. He needs to seek professional help for this. And if he doesn't want to or makes excuses, it might be best to just be friends.

[Cup]

I have been through what your Boyfriend is going through (anxiety/depression) myself and i also had a Boyfriend recently who had the exact same thing. Because of my past with anxiety i showed great compassion. This only made things worse. I enabled him to continue his behavior. We broke up, i couldn't take it any longer and i also couldn't accept that although he saw the problem he did not do anything about it. That was the worse.

So, you should set a timeline for you. Measure how long you are willing to accept this behavior before you break or before you see a difference in him. Then you should let your other half know. If you can talk to his doctor, even better. If not, read up on depression (which i would suggest anyway) and find a good way to let him know that he has to fight this , first of all for him and also for your relationship. You must be clear about how you can not go through this for a long time and you want to see him at least trying to get out of this situation. People do change, but ONLY if they want to. And depression DOES pass!! The question is, do you want to be there while his does? Cause it's a bumpy road and you do not have to go through it with him.

If you think this person deserves your time and mental health (you should make sure you get support too), then go for it, but set that timeline!

I really hope everything goes great for both of you!!

edit: i have to add and really insist on taking care of you because when i got out of that relationship, i was already stressed out and my anxiety flared up again . Luckily i have already tackled it in the past, so i am coping much better this time round, but i wish i realized the effect his anxiety would have over me (although i did take precautions). It is also important to not be his Doctor. Tons of people fall into that trap. You are not his Doctor, you are his Partner. Draw that line and draw it good!

Stay strong and keep us posted!!

[Sunday82]

Thank you all very much for answering and giving advice!

The problem is I am afraid of showing him how much I love him cause I think it might push him away. I am thinking of not responding at all for this reason. Just to leave him alone for a while will maybe turn the tables and make him realise he misses me cause now I am basicly doing all the effort.

The question is if he really wants to break up with me, ( cause thats what he writes that I should find someone better and that I deserve better) so why not listen and understand its a way of breaking up with me. I will only sound like I don't want to hear him when I tell him I love him and it will make it worse for me to ever get back together with him. I don't know what to think.

Should I send him a message that I really love him despite his depression and that I love being with him ( so I reassure him I love him very much )
Or don't send him anything and wait till he comes around to reach out for me again. ( cause he might need space and me telling him I love him so much might push him away)

Now its very hard to know wich one is the best approach. I dont want him to feel like I am needy for his love or like I am giving so much love that he feels guilty and responsible for making me happy cause it will only put more pressure on him to give that back and he can't or don't want to ....

But maybe not saying anything at all will make me loose him for ever cause he might think I dont'even care anymore.....

[Cup]

I know every person is different, but i must say that every time we had a fight with me ex , he always told me "you do not deserve me, we are both better off single, you should dump me" and so on. Till the day i agreed. "Yes , we are better off alone". It took him 3 days to understand we broke up. He was devastated.

What i am trying to say is, the problem here is not whether or not he wants to be with you, the problem is his depression. The faster you realize that, the faster you will do something about it and the faster you both will be happy! You can also try visiting a Psychologist yourself. I did and it was helpful!

Take care!!!!

[R&R]

I know every person is different, but i must say that every time we had a fight with me ex , he always told me "you do not deserve me, we are both better off single, you should dump me" and so on. Till the day i agreed. "Yes , we are better off alone". It took him 3 days to understand we broke up. He was devastated.

I agree with this because I have done the same thing. It's like people threatening a break up every time they disagree. Eventually, you are going to take them at their word and agree with them and walk away. If it's his anxiety or depression, then he needs to get professional help and do it because he wants to. However, anxiety and depression are NOT excuses for putting you on an emotional roller coaster.

Personally, I'd have one talk with him about it. "When you accuse me of being unfaithful, I feel very hurt. I am faithful to you and I don't want to hear about it again. If you feel you can't trust me or that I am being unfaithful, it is time to end the relationship. Also, I will no longer deal with you telling me that you think I deserve better. I have chosen to be with you and you are telling me that I have made a bad choice. If you feel that we should no longer be together, then you need to say that. I can no longer do the wishy-washy attitude about our relationship. Either you want it or you don't. Next time you tell me I deserve better, I will take it that you have decided it's over and will act accordingly."

Of course, if you choose to have a discussion along these lines, you need to be prepared to follow through with what you say. Best of luck.

[Kapwned]

This is why I don't entirely agree with people who suggest helping your loved ones out through frequent reassurance when they are dealing with anxiety, because it enables them, and it will diminish their ability to trust and simply have faith in their loved ones. There's so many possibilities for why OPs boyfriend said what he said. It could be depression speaking and it is genuinely making him feel that way, it could be his emotions in the moment, it could be him fishing for reassurance through reverse psychology. Either way it's an issue and I hope OP can find clarity.

[Chris516]

My long distance boyfriend is behaving really upset lately.
He has some problems going on he told me about. Recently I saw him and things seemed fine between us.
However last week he didnt respond to my message so I already knew something was not right.

Now he told me I should forget him, that I deserve better them him.
That I should find a nice men....

He has said these things to me before. He suffers from depression so I think he is just having extreme moodswings lately and when he has these moodswings he can be very impulsive and say things he later regrets. Now I reacted pretty lightly and changed the subject so I basicly avoided to talk about this problem by mail/text. I prefer to talk to him in person about this.

Now this is going on from the beginning:
1.Trust issues, he doesent trust me, thinks I have other men.
2. Depression, low self esteem.

I think a long distance relationship is making it worse, for him life is very complicated and a long distance relationship makes it even more complicated.
Is this is a way for him to break up or pushing me to break up with him? At this point its really confusing, one day he tells me he wants to marry and the other day he tells me I should find a better person.


Anyone advice on this situation?

My (ex)SO(2007-2012), said I should find someone better. But, Considering that she has OCD. I didn't initially believe it. Because, i didn't want to make a knee-jerk reaction. That I would regret. I put 2012 as the 'end date'. Because, She told me that in Nov. 2011. I was figuring that, it was her OCD doing the talking. Since there were so many times before. That it was her OCD doing the talking.

Like you, I think my (ex)fiance was trying to push me to break up with her. The communication became less n' less. We started out at six hours a night, daily. But by the time of the 'end'. It was like once every two weeks and barely 30mins. long. There were no trust issues like, would I cheat on her, or vice versa. I just gave up.

I am planning to visit someone out in California, that I have known for years. Visiting her will be much, much, easier. She is only one short bus ride from LAX.