Lack of communication and not enough in common [Advice needed!]

[XX, Lexi]

Hello, LFADers!

So the issue here is basically us not talking a lot lately and us not having a lot in common anymore.

Background info: Me and my SO are on different schedules. I work, workout and go to school during the day, sleeping at night. He sleeps during the day and works the overnight shift, so the time we get to talk is limited. He also has World of Warcraft raids [I think they're called, idk] planned on Sundays and Mondays. I used to know when his days off are, but as of now, I don't know them.

My issue is this: We haven't been able to talk a lot online, meaning we haven't been able to get on webcam or skype in a while, maybe a week or two. We do text a lot, however, but that doesn't seem to quell the communication problems.

Tonight, i went out with two friends of mine, both guys. I went to work out with them, since we're gym partners, then went to hang out with them. I told my SO this and I let him know that we went out to dinner. This created a huge problem that involved us in a sort of fight over text about how I always have plans when my SO is awake at night, before he goes to work.

I went home after dinner with just enough time before he left to go to work to talk to him online. We had a discussion and the basics that came out of it were that he felt like we didn't have anything in common anymore and that he didn't want to try to work on the long distance anymore when I told him that I wanted to work on it. When I offered to try and play World of Warcraft with him, he told me that "you're only doing it so you don't have to face heartbreak", which was partially true. I don't HATE WoW, but I haven't tried it, so I don't know for sure how it really is. When I asked him if he was going to leave me, He told me that I was paranoid and that the more I say it, the more he considers it and the more he wants to, which scared the crap out of me. I know that I'm overly paranoid and I need to work on not thinking the worst.

I know that he wants to leave me and he might, but I want to try and save the relationship. I'm NOT getting back together if he leaves me again. I just can't do it. And he might now want to work on it, I figured that, but I want to at least try. Yes, you can't force someone to love you or work on something that's broken, but I want to try at least. I won't know anything until tomorrow, most likely, since he has plans to go out with friends tomorrow [Tomorrow being Sunday], so tonight's kind of think of ways to fix it.

What I'm asking for is a bit of advice on how to go about communicating more and finding more stuff to do so we can try to build the relationship. Any other advice, such as getting rid of paranoia, would help too. And yes, I know I should just let him leave me, if that's the case, but I don't want to let this die because of something that, to me, can be easily fixed.

BTW: I don't know if tonight was just him getting emotional about everything and maybe he'll regret it in the morning or if he was serious, but I'm going to think the latter, just to be safe. We did get into a silly fight on Friday and he apologized the next morning, so he's kind of like me XD Overemotional!
Plus, don't worry about being mean or anything. Give me honesty, I can take it.


Thanks for the help, guys! I really appreciate it =]

[BluePikachu]

The feeling of not having anything in common anymore is mostly due to the communication problem. I know this from experience and trust me, once the communication is fixed and there is more time to talk, you start re-discovering your likes and dislikes once more. But this, of course, is if you're able to fix the issues at hand first.

All I can basically say is this: If both of you want this to work, both of you will make the effort to make it work. If he refuses to attempt to fix things, even the petty things, then there is, sadly, not much hope.

[Karringtyn]

Hmmm....does this happen often? You said it happened the other night also

His comment of "you just don't want heartbreak" sounds very cold. I hope you guys can communicate to work this out...

Ideas...I will tell you what we do.

I know his schedule..and i put it in my phone with mine....and we talk whenever we can...he doesn't text...so we HAVE to talk on phone to communicate. We plan times together to talk...as a date. I schedule those right in with my own schedule. We both have to make a conscience effort to communicate...

I wish you the best hon.xx

[Gurl]

Karrintyn is right, when schedules are that far off you pretty much need to schedule your times to talk or it isn't gonna happen as often as you want. I know...I deal with the same thing but it doesn't bother me so much. It actually helps us have more to talk about when we do have time to chat. Best of luck with this. Oh..and the paranoia may not be paranoia hun. Sometimes we know things aren't working out deep down before we can consciously admit it to our selves...I hope that's not the case, but be prepared just in case.

[Tanja]

I just wrote a long response and my laptop died :|

Anyway..

Andy and I had a phase like that, we don't have much things in common so at one point it seemed like there's nothing to talk about whatsoever.
That's not true. It's only up to you if you can find things to talk about and make an effort, which you tried to do when you offered to play WoW with him.

I think the best thing to do would be to not talk for a few days because like Gurl said, there's more stuff to talk about when you haven't seen each other in a while. So the next time you talk to him don't get in to the deep and serious stuff right away, rather ask him about his day, how was work, what's he been up to lately, how's his family, plan your next visit or if there isn't one coming then think about things you'd like to do or places you'd like to go together, ask him about his hobbies and what's his favorite thing to do/eat/drink... sky's the limit with this and there's always lots of things on the Internet you can find to talk about.

He needs to understand that this relationship is worth making the effort but it means you BOTH have to want to make it to work. Good luck !

[Bluestars]

If I remember correctly, in your previous posts you said that he has dumped you three times in the past? I think your paranoia is completely normal because he has already done it three times and past behavior predicts future behavior. Like Gurl mentioned, your gut feeling might even be right so that you can prepare yourself for the bad.

Personally, I would not be able to be in your shoes. If it happened once, then I maybe I could forgive the person, but after that I would have to worry about myself first and move on with my life.

His comments do not even sound like he is trying that hard to make things work. Like other people have mentioned, he has to want to put in the effort as well.

No matter what happens though, I am sure it will be for the best Hope everything works out.

[paulawriteslove]

If you two have really conflicting schedules then you should figure out a certain time in the day when you can talk. Basically set aside some 'us time.' You can talk about your day, friends, family...etc. You can always look up things to talk about if you get stuck.