LDR getting mixed signals

[greenwichguy]

Good evening looking for advice,
I've been in a LDR for 3 years now in wonder relationship but I've
notice a change in my girlfriend. I was diagnosed with cancer in November 2016 had surgery & many cycles of Chemotherapy in
Which my girlfriend was very supportive. I lost my mum to cancer 4 weeks ago which was heartbreaking. Yesterday I was talking to my girlfriend on her way to work & I said now I haven't got any treatment until late April or May I could come & spend a lot more time with you & then she said no because my family & friends as said I can't look after you if your taken ill I have take time of work it want happened. I was heartbroken my heart just sunk I couldn't get of the phone quick enough I felt so embarrassed I haven't had any communication since last night what shall I do walk away or talk to her any advice would be most grateful.


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[sasad]

You need to talk..really talk, and find out where she is. She could be terrified of cancer and not know how to deal with it. Some people are afraid they may "catch" it, or just be afraid you will die.
Ask her. Talk to her. Don't be embarrassed. You have done nothing wrong. Best of luck to you!

[greenwichguy]

Hello Sasad thank you for your reply what's got to me she's already made her mind up by talking to family that's she can't look after me but I don't need looking after I've spoken to her all the way through my treatment but yesterday It brought home how she really feels about me. I love her with all my heart, I've just lose my mum & I lost a sister last year & I don't want to lose my girlfriend but can't get it out my head she doesn't want me & gone with advice from her best friend & family that she's got to give up work & look after me which isn't true to say the lease I haven't spoken to her today & she hasn't made any contact ever so where to I go from here ? Thankyou

[Elizabeth123]

Wonderful news on finishing part of your treatments! Hoping you continue doing well
Definitely you need to have a serious talk with her. Maybe she has never dealt with cancer or other medical issues in a family member?
I want to offer my condolences on the loss of your mom and sister. I lost my mom to cancer a few years ago.

[greenwichguy]

Hi Elizabeth thank you for your reply my girlfriend as dealt with family members not being well. But the thing what gets me she's dosent want me to come & stay with her where I've been & stayed some many time but all of a sudden it's stopped & telling me it's down to my cancer I am so tired & emotional I need to be with her but the way she told me on the phone turned my stomach as if it was her final say on the matter. At the moment I feel I can't talk to her at the moment it's that horrible silence between us waiting for one of us to make the first move . Thank you for your kind words about losing my family members xxx

[Chris516]

Hello Sasad thank you for your reply what's got to me she's already made her mind up by talking to family that's she can't look after me but I don't need looking after I've spoken to her all the way through my treatment but yesterday It brought home how she really feels about me. I love her with all my heart, I've just lose my mum & I lost a sister last year & I don't want to lose my girlfriend but can't get it out my head she doesn't want me & gone with advice from her best friend & family that she's got to give up work & look after me which isn't true to say the lease I haven't spoken to her today & she hasn't made any contact ever so where to I go from here ? Thankyou

I have sort of been the same boat you are in. It wasn't an LDR. I was married. I have a (congenital)brain aneurysm, (congenital)hydrocephalus, and epilepsy. While a person with health issues' coming into the relationship is a lot for someone to cope with. Just as someone being diagnosed during the relationship. But, We don't need 'looking after'. We are not 'broken'. We still have a mind, thoughts, feelings and emotions. What everyone hopes for. Is someone they hope they can rely on in a medical emergency.

If my (ex)wife n' I had still been married and living together(1992-2000), without any problems. I would have supported her through her (recent)cancer diagnosis. Your SO's family, sounds like, my (ex)wife's family. They didn't accept me.

[greenwichguy]

Hi Chris thank you I come from a medical back ground & I've seem many aneurysm clipped hope your okay & coping X It's very true it's seem my girlfriend seems to think she will become my carer give up work & look after me 24-7 I've got cancer & doing okay under the circumstances all I need is to tell me she loves me & to let me know she's there. In stead of her talking to me she talks to her best friend & is given the wrong advice!! I would never put her in that situation where she's worried about my health
I don't know if this can be repair she was supposed to come & stayed with me on Monday but can't see that happening now. i am so sad I can't sleep I fell sick to the stomach & shes court at such a tough time losing my mum just 4 weeks ago for whom i could go & get great advice from but i fe el so a lone more then ever now what do I do & where do we go from I hate the all this silence between us ? Xx

[Chris516]

Hi Chris thank you I come from a medical back ground & I've seem many aneurysm clipped hope your okay & coping X It's very true it's seem my girlfriend seems to think she will become my carer give up work & look after me 24-7 I've got cancer & doing okay under the circumstances all I need is to tell me she loves me & to let me know she's there. In stead of her talking to me she talks to her best friend & is given the wrong advice!! I would never put her in that situation where she's worried about my health
I don't know if this can be repair she was supposed to come & stayed with me on Monday but can't see that happening now. i am so sad I can't sleep I fell sick to the stomach & shes court at such a tough time losing my mum just 4 weeks ago for whom i could go & get great advice from but i fe el so a lone more then ever now what do I do & where do we go from I hate the all this silence between us ? Xx

You're welcome.

My 'annie', was clipped during my first brain surgery in Feb. 1968. When I was 9mos.-old. My (ex)wife told me a year after she left me(I divorced her two years later, even though she begged me not to)wanted everything to "just go away".

If a person can't 'worry' about another person's health. They have no business being in a relationship, with ANYONE!!!!!!

[Elizabeth123]

If a person can't 'worry' about another person's health. They have no business being in a relationship, with ANYONE!!!!!!

I agree with this....we all need support at various times from our SO...that's a part of being in a relationship...and we support them in turn.

To greenwichguy:...Can you contact your treatment team and join a support group? (definitely ok and can be very helpful).
Right now focus on yourself and getting the support you need.

[greenwichguy]

Good evening just a quick up date me & my girlfriend had a long chat I don't think she wants to be with me, she says she loves me so much she was crying saying she don't want to lose me but she said i can't imagine me not being in her life ? Is that good or bad she wants to take each day as it comes & continues to talk but on her terms so I said I give her space & let her come to me when shes teadybut I am so confused just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't text or ring her in case I put to much pressure on her. I love her so much but I think she's spoken to many friends & there told her I need to much care & she's frightened something will happen to me any advice would be much appreciated thank you.

[Chris516]

Good evening just a quick up date me & my girlfriend had a long chat I don't think she wants to be with me, she says she loves me so much she was crying saying she don't want to lose me but she said i can't imagine me not being in her life ? Is that good or bad she wants to take each day as it comes & continues to talk but on her terms so I said I give her space & let her come to me when shes teadybut I am so confused just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't text or ring her in case I put to much pressure on her. I love her so much but I think she's spoken to many friends & there told her I need to much care & she's frightened something will happen to me any advice would be much appreciated thank you.

Did you mean to say, that she couldn't imagine you not being in her life?

ON HER TERMS!!! That is a load of garbage!!!! She is not thinking AT ALL!!!!! The two things in life that are absolutely, and unequivocally inescapable. Are death(illness, accident, murder victim, one's own stupidity) n' taxes.

Your cancer (probably)is different than the cancer your mother had. But that doesn't mean it is contagious!!!! She is a real 'indian giver'!!!

She is severely ill.....with MONSTROUS STUPIDITY!!!!!!!!

[sasad]

Is there anyway you can get her to go with you to a support group for people to understand what's going on with cancer? She appears to be scared to death of what's going on. And I understand where she's coming from when she said she loves you and she's afraid.
Has she been around someone with cancer before? It's horrible to watch a love one pass that way. I lost a great friend last year and it's a terrible thing to watch and be able to do nothing.

Please don't ever call her stupid, or any names. You both need to have an in person heart to heart it seems.
If you give her an ultimatum, be prepared she may leave if she can't handle this. Or just cut the tie and try to move on. Please please don't be bitter towards someone that can't understand or handle that. Try to think of yourself and of your healing. Anger and rage etc., are so non productive. Xo

Ps... Taxes are " n' inescapable "
Pss.. Indian giver is considered an offensive term.

[Chris516]

Is there anyway you can get her to go with you to a support group for people to understand what's going on with cancer? She appears to be scared to death of what's going on. And I understand where she's coming from when she said she loves you and she's afraid.
Has she been around someone with cancer before? It's horrible to watch a love one pass that way. I lost a great friend last year and it's a terrible thing to watch and be able to do nothing.

Please don't ever call her stupid, or any names. You both need to have an in person heart to heart it seems.
If you give her an ultimatum, be prepared she may leave if she can't handle this. Or just cut the tie and try to move on. Please please don't be bitter towards someone that can't understand or handle that. Try to think of yourself and of your healing. Anger and rage etc., are so non productive. Xo

Ps... Taxes are " n' inescapable "

While a support group is a good idea. I tried that with my (ex)wife. I took her to several epilepsy support group meetings. But her attitude remained the same. She "wanted it all to just go away". Just like the OP. Parent ignorance was involved, on my (ex)FIL, MIL, and SMIL's, part. My (ex)FIL had the gall to ask my (ex)wife. Before walking her down the aisle. If she still wanted to marry me. After all the guests that flown in from across the country. My entire family was there, and so was hers. Suppose she had suddenly called off the wedding right the moment she was about to walk down the aisle. Like my (ex)wife n' her parents', the OP's SO, and her parents' are brutally ignorant.

[snow]

Has this relationship been long distance the whole time? Have you met in person before?

[sasad]

While a support group is a good idea. I tried that with my (ex)wife. I took her to several epilepsy support group meetings. But her attitude remained the same. She "wanted it all to just go away". Just like the OP. Parent ignorance was involved, on my (ex)FIL, MIL, and SMIL's, part. My (ex)FIL had the gall to ask my (ex)wife. Before walking her down the aisle. If she still wanted to marry me. After all the guests that flown in from across the country. My entire family was there, and so was hers. Suppose she had suddenly called off the wedding right the moment she was about to walk down the aisle. Like my (ex)wife n' her parents', the OP's SO, and her parents' are brutally ignorant.

Again, you don't know if they are ignorant or not. No one here has asked him and we all know what assuming does.
And to compare your situation with the OP is not right. It's not the same.