Introvert/Extrovert relationship

[LivingInWonderland]

Hey guys,

I was wondering if any of you guys are an introvert/extrovert, with your SO being the opposite. If so, do you ever run into any problems with that? I wondered because I am quite an introvert, and my SO tends to be quite the extrovert. He is very out going, loves to get out and do things and see people, and I tend to like to hide out in my room when I am not at work. Now.... I'm not anti-social. I'm just not exactly the most social, and a lot of interaction with people tends to just be exhausting for me. So I avoid it quite often.

For right now this has not been an issue in my SO and i's relationship, since we are long distance. But I wondered if anyone ever runs into trouble with this when they are in a CD relationship. My concern is that when my SO and I close the distance in June, we might run into problems. I don't see it being an issue. But my SO doesn't know the area all that well, and he doesn't have any friends out here yet. It will really only be me. I love going out and doing things with him. But mainly just him. He likes to interact with lots of people, and go to busy events and all that stuff. I don't want to hold him back, and I know he loves doing those things with me, but I can just see myself getting worn out and holding him back at some point. He has told me before that he has no problem with this. As long as he gets to be with me, he doesn't care. I just worry that at some point he is going to grow tired of dragging his introverted girlfriend around with him.

So I wondered if any of you ever run into problems with this, and what you do to fix it or make it better/easier.

As the time grows closer to closing the distance, I keep finding all these new things to worry about. As I'm sure is normal. I guess I just need my mind set at ease on some of these silly worries. Ha ha

[R&R]

When I was younger, I used to go out a lot with friends. As I got older, I became more of a homebody or just hanging out with a couple of friends. I have always tended to date people who liked to go out a lot and have large groups of friends.

I found the best solution was to go out with everyone on occasion but make sure my SO knew it was no problem for him to keep spending time with his friends without me. This also gave me the opportunity to have the "me" time that I needed while he was getting the interaction with others that he needed.

It's important to remember that you don't have to do everything together just because you live in the same house. He will make new friends and will have opportunities to go out with them to do things that he has an interest in that you may not. When SO and I close the distance, I don't expect him to join a book group with me - that's something for me. He won't expect me to go scuba diving with him - that's not my thing. But neither of us will have a problem with the other person doing things on our own.

[LivingInWonderland]

Yeah, I see what you mean. I don't expect the two of us to do everything together. We both have a lot of different interests. It's just the first few months that his is settling here and making new friends and learning the area, I know he is going to want to get out and do a lot. Which is fine. I am more than willing to do that if that is what makes him happy. But I know a lot of times I would just prefer to stay home and read a book or something.

I know worrying about this probably sounds silly. I tend to worry about a lot of silly things. I just don't want to end up feeling like I am holding him back. It's just going to be a big change for me, and for him, when he moves here.

[ChloChlo]

My SO and I are both introverts, but I have had similar concerns to you because he is still much, much more social than I am. He goes out and does stuff almost every night whereas I consider three after-work activities a week to be a packed schedule. Just like you, I realized that during the Long Distance phase these differences were fine, but maybe we would become annoyed with each other once we were close distance. I've mentioned it to him a few times, at first trying to joke that he would learn how "boring" or "lazy" I am once we live together - but I was honestly worried that he would think that, because he likes to go out to chill with friends and I prefer to stay home. But I had to recognize that my way of being an introvert isn't any more boring or lazy than his way, and that the important thing was that we support each other's ways of taking care of ourselves. I was not giving myself or him enough credit. I assumed he would belittle me or think badly of my preferences, when he had just as much of a desire to be a supportive partner and make sure I was happy and comfortable.

So in your instance, of course you're willing to go out a lot and do things with him while he's new to the area - because just as you said, it makes him happy, and you're a supportive partner. His part will come in being just as supportive when you need to take time to do your introvert thing. Find a balance between doing introvert things and extrovert things that works for both of you!

And it's definitely not silly. I understand the worry that you're holding someone back or making someone's life less fun because you're an introvert. Just remember that your enjoyment of life is just as important as his, even though it looks different. I get the struggle of trying to be an unapologetic introvert.

[Sakuu4]

I don't know if I can be considered an extrovert, but surely I am the extrovert of our couple. He likes to stay at home, have his routine and doesn't like going to places with a lot of people. In the beginning I though he was an out-going type as I always met him with a lot of people ( we started CD), but then he said he finds that tiring and most of time he is "fake". Thinking about that now it was quite a shock ahah I mean I enjoy doing new things, go out, being in crowded places. It took a while to adapt ( expecially when we took a trip to Spain and I wanted to go to the beach, but it was too crowded for him ), but we found the right balance.
I don't expect him to come with me to all the places I want to go, I go alone or with friends (even when I am visiting him ), while he tries to do more things than he would do if he was alone. We try to compromise, like ok going to an event, but not too far/for too long.

As R&R said, you don't have to do everything together and it can actually be more enjoyable (for both) alone. Like going to a place he doesn't like without him is nice for me as I don't worry about him being tired, and he also really enjoys listening to my stories when I get home

So yes, don't worry to much. It is nice from you to think about him and I think this is is a good starting point already

[LivingInWonderland]

My SO and I are both introverts, but I have had similar concerns to you because he is still much, much more social than I am. He goes out and does stuff almost every night whereas I consider three after-work activities a week to be a packed schedule. Just like you, I realized that during the Long Distance phase these differences were fine, but maybe we would become annoyed with each other once we were close distance. I've mentioned it to him a few times, at first trying to joke that he would learn how "boring" or "lazy" I am once we live together - but I was honestly worried that he would think that, because he likes to go out to chill with friends and I prefer to stay home. But I had to recognize that my way of being an introvert isn't any more boring or lazy than his way, and that the important thing was that we support each other's ways of taking care of ourselves. I was not giving myself or him enough credit. I assumed he would belittle me or think badly of my preferences, when he had just as much of a desire to be a supportive partner and make sure I was happy and comfortable.

So in your instance, of course you're willing to go out a lot and do things with him while he's new to the area - because just as you said, it makes him happy, and you're a supportive partner. His part will come in being just as supportive when you need to take time to do your introvert thing. Find a balance between doing introvert things and extrovert things that works for both of you!

And it's definitely not silly. I understand the worry that you're holding someone back or making someone's life less fun because you're an introvert. Just remember that your enjoyment of life is just as important as his, even though it looks different. I get the struggle of trying to be an unapologetic introvert.

Thank you! This was very helpful, and really set my mind at ease.

[sasad]

I agree with the above post. My SO it is an introvert and always says how he hates people. I am a total extrovert and love being around people and will talk to just about everybody. He likes to stay home and do things around the house whereas I love to be out and about. We are together three weeks and apart one now so we're almost in the closed distance stage. We have learned to adjust.
Some nights he wants to just stay home and watch a movie or play a game and snuggle and I will do that for him. Sometimes on the weekends I want to go hang out with my family and he is more than happy to do that. We take turns and we compromise and we learn how to work together and we learn how to work apart.
In any relationship you were going to have an adjustment when you first start living together. You usually start by getting into the happy home couple where everything is rosy and everybody's sweet and perfect and then as time goes on you'll learn to adjust your own personalities to work with each other. Oh sure, there most likely be arguments etc., but that's part of the fun in learning to mesh your lives.. Talk, communicate, always give 60 percent and always expect 40 back.. It will work out if you stay committed.

[snow]

My husband is an introvert and there has been times where I wished he would have come with me to an event and I know he would have wished I stayed home with him, but we compromise and try to pick and choose events we'll go to together and some that I go to alone.

It only becomes an issue if you don't respect each other's boundaries. You enjoy different things and you'll probably have to make compromises do make things work, but in the long run, being in an introvert/extrovert relationship doesn't really make things any more complicated if you're open about it.

[differentcountries]

Just want to point out that introvert and extrovert means basically getting energized through alone time or together time. It doesn't in itself say weather or not you are social or habitually hang out with people. Introverts can be very social, especially since they often keep the friends they do make. Extroverts can seem very social, especially when meeting new people, still doesn't neccesarily build strong friendships.

As for us, all three of us are introverts in this sense; we charge alone or with just a small group of people. However, both my guys easily come off as extroverts because they are very polite, take initiative with new people etc. However, they might disappear from a party or never go to the next unless I drag them along. I seem more shy on a first impression , but I am a stayer. I easily visit new places and people, always gather information on people and I have many close friends, because I very rutinely take time off to recharge, so socializing does not exhaust me. I am the one reminding my boys; go see that friend, we need to buy a present for your aunt etc. I even remind THEM to recharge.

One of the reasons I think SO will be happy in Norway is because social life is less compulsary here. I just hope he doesn't become too lax about it, because I really want him to build a social life and not just hang with our family and two friends. And of course sometimes join me on things. But we are good at compromises, so I think we can make that happen, too.

[sasad]

[QUOTE=differentcountries;417413]Just want to point out that introvert and extrovert means basically getting energized through alone time or together time. It doesn't in itself say weather or not you are social or habitually hang out with people. Introverts can be very social, especially since they often keep the friends they do make. Extroverts can seem very social, especially when meeting new people, still doesn't neccesarily build strong friendships.

As for us, all three of us are introverts in this sense; we charge alone or with just a small group of people. However, both my guys easily come off as extroverts because they are very polite, take initiative with new people etc. However, they might disappear from a party or never go to the next unless I drag them along. I seem more shy on a first impression , but I am a stayer. I easily visit new places and people, always gather information on people and I have many close friends, because I very rutinely take time off to recharge, so socializing does not exhaust me. I am the one reminding my boys; go see that friend, we need to buy a present for your aunt etc. I even remind THEM to recharge.

Yes, we know that.. It's all on the inter webs.. But, definitions do change over time.. Physiologist love changing things up. - And I think we all have posted and agree that compromise is very important in every aspect of ANY relationship.

[aniay]

Hi,

I am an extrovert and sometimes get "cabin fever" if I'm stuck at home too much, and my SO would rather spend every day at home.
I don't drag him to places I know he will feel bad in, he kicks me out of the house when he sees I'm not going out enough.
At the same time, sometimes he tags along because he knows I like it and sometimes I stay at home because I know he likes it.
That simple.
I'm sure you will find your own way of dealing with stuff that makes you different.

[aoitori]

I'm extremely shy and introverted, while he is the complete difference. I have problems talking to people, while he is talking ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it's difficult and I wonder how it'll be once we close the distance. I also sometimes feel guilty when our conversations end because of my lack of communication skills.

However I think it's amazing how we complete each other like that! Because he can talk 24/7, we never really run out of topics while texting. He would tell me stories and I'm really thankful he leads our communication in that way. On the other hand he told me that he loves how I'm the only one who can calm him down like this. On our first date he fell asleep with his head on my shoulder. He said he never felt this safe in his life.