Define The Relatinoship?

[Cup]

Hello!

I am going through an anxious period so my mind is full of negative and insecure thoughts. Just a warning.
This of course has effected my LDR, well i haven't shown any of my insecurities to him, but i am still having them.
One issue is, we haven't defined our relationship. Although we act like a couple, we look like a couple, so we are probably a duck right?

It's not the label i am after, it's just that i want to see if he is on the same page and of course, i want to be able to make plans with him. We are not young and for me, choosing to be in a relationship after a certain age, specially a LD one, pretty much means that you are serious about it. How do i bring this up?

How and when did you define the relationship?Is it necessary?

Thanks!

[WarwickGuy]

One issue is, we haven't defined our relationship. Although we act like a couple, we look like a couple, so we are probably a duck right?

Depends, are either of you quacking? Sorry, couldn't resist.

You might not find the label is that important, but obviously it would make you feel more secure of what your current situation is. It would be easiest to ask your SO directly what you are to him, although if you want to add a little finesse you could ask him what title/label he would give you if he was to introduce you to others e.g. SO, person I'm dating etc. Or alternatively ask him about meeting in person and what he wants in the long term.

My personal experience is different, because my LDR started as a medium distance relationship and after meeting for s few dates I asked her to be my girlfriend; just got straight to the point. I think it depends how long you've been LD dating, but eventually you should define your relationship, especially if you're feeling insecure about what you are.

[Mims27]

My So and I were definitely together before either of us really defined it. We kind of knew but it wasn't official I guess. Until one day my now wife said "So what are we exactly? Clearly we have something going on here." And we defined it and eventually said our I love yous.

[snow_girl]

Just ask, there is nothing worse than making an assumption that isn't mutual and end up being hurt over miscommunication.

[Cup]

Thanks for the replies!
Well, we definitely are quaking Warwick!! Hahaahahahha

It just seems like neither of us has the 'guts' to have the conversation because both our lives are unstable. He got a job but might be changing location soon with a possible other job. This is the reason we haven't had 'the talk' yet. I am still pretty sure that if I start it now, we will conclude to the same. 'we can't plan on anything with such unstable lives' .

As I mentioned I am very anxious right now due to unemployment and when I get anxious my negative thoughts go to my relationship. I hope this is the problem.

Mims, we are exactly like that and the way you guys defined is pretty much what I had in mind. It's just that everytime I play the scenario in my head I get to the conclusion I mentioned above and get cold feet. Also, due to anxiety I don't know if it's the best period to ask. I agree snowgirl, I am positive that he feels the same,i mean we talk everyday, we both initiate equally and in general he sticks to his words. He also said once that he doesn't like having unclear relationships in his life and also said what we have is pretty clear. There is also a language barrier, which sometimes leads to misunderstanding.

I dunno, maybe I just want to hear more dtr stories to get ideas?

Thanks so much, you're already helping!

[R&R]

Just ask, there is nothing worse than making an assumption that isn't mutual and end up being hurt over miscommunication.

I definitely agree with this.

The first time my SO got together, we hadn't met in person yet. We met on a social media site. When it was clear there were other people interested in us but we were only interested in each other, we had the talk of becoming exclusive and updated our relationship status so others would be aware we were no longer single.

This time around, we started talking again after an 18-month separation. A couple of weeks in, he made some comment and I asked him if he thought we were back together. His answer "well yeah, I thought so". Well, we hadn't discussed it, but he thought we were a couple and I didn't. We decided that night to become exclusive again but it's a conversation that needs to happen.

[hmrambling]

After about a month of dating, I formally asked if she would be my girlfriend. At that point, we discussed what exclusivity meant to us and decided we were exclusive.

At no point did either of us assume that we were exclusive or girlfriends until we had that conversation.

[QueenD]

I'll start with your last question - is it important to define the relationship? That is a question that is individual to each person, and each couple has to figure out how to deal with the situation together.

For me, it has always been important to be clear on what the status of a relationship is. It makes me really insecure if things are ambiguous, and being lost distance makes this worse for me.

My SO and I got together over Christmas. We have known each other for a while, and during a visit he made to KC to see family, we kissed the first time and spend a lot of time together. Before he left, we did not discuss anything other than that I would go see him in a month or so. Between Christmas and when I visited, we talked or texted regularly but it was still ambiguous and it was really hard for me. Then when I went to visit him, we had a weird situation with his ex-fiancée (a relationship that ended a few months before we got together, and a woman I had met a few times while they were together) and it made me really upset and insecure feeling. We discussed that situation and our relationship a lot and decided that we are in an exclusive relationship at that time. We keep it on the DL on social media, because he's kind of private that way, but it's not a secret either. I would like to become more public, but I also know that it takes time to develop a relationship and so I'm not going to push.

[Chris516]

Hello!

I am going through an anxious period so my mind is full of negative and insecure thoughts. Just a warning.
This of course has effected my LDR, well i haven't shown any of my insecurities to him, but i am still having them.
One issue is, we haven't defined our relationship. Although we act like a couple, we look like a couple, so we are probably a duck right?

It's not the label i am after, it's just that i want to see if he is on the same page and of course, i want to be able to make plans with him. We are not young and for me, choosing to be in a relationship after a certain age, specially a LD one, pretty much means that you are serious about it. How do i bring this up?

How and when did you define the relationship?Is it necessary?

Thanks!

I can certainly understand where you are coming from.

[snow]

Even with unstable lives, you want to know you both expect the same from this. Life hardly ever works out exactly how you want it and maybe knowing that you're both on the same page might actually help you work though your unstable lives.

[Cup]

Even with unstable lives, you want to know you both expect the same from this. Life hardly ever works out exactly how you want it and maybe knowing that you're both on the same page might actually help you work though your unstable lives.

I think that is exactly what i needed to hear right now. It's true, i just want to know if he's on the same page. If we can work things out together. You are so right! It is just that! Life really doesn't always work out as we plan. This is so clear to me now. Thank you so much!

[ECCurrier]

I know my SO and I are on the same page even though we haven't discussed being "official". When I visited him a couple weeks ago he took me to work and introduced me as his girlfriend. I call him by boyfriend but we haven't made it official on social media etc.