LDR break up...

[NAR614]

He came to visit me the first weekend of February. 3 days after he went back home, we started to argue. It was mainly about minor stuff and mostly from my end, but it's because after we have our visits and he leaves I always feel extra emotional for a couple of days following our visit. He knows this, and instead of being there for me a little extra during that time he wasn't. So I started to shut down emotionally and didn't reach out to him except to say good morning and goodnight. Instead of him reaching out to me, he distanced himself from me. We had very minimal communication for 3 weeks. Then he admitted to me that the distance was getting to him and he missed me and wanted me to begin the process of making plans to move to be with him. So I told him that I would. That following weekend his mother went to visit him for the weekend. When she left he confronted me and told me that he spoke with his mom and she said it was a bad idea for me and my kids to move to be with him. And because of that, he broke up with me. He said there's no use staying in a relationship where we are so far from eachother. He said he won't move here (he has 2 small daughters) and I told him that's understandable and I could move up there eventuall but he said he doesn't want to separate me from my family and that it would be to hard for me little ones to move and it's not realistic. I'm devistated because he will be coming down to where I live at least 2 times a year because his mother lives 10 min away from me! So why can't we be together? But he says its to stressful. An we fight over little crap often. So I tried to express what I felt but his mind was made up. Now it's a month later and I'm still feeling lost. We barely talk except maybe once a week, hi..how are you..bye.

I had planned for a life with him and now I'm left feeling empty. We were in a relationship for a year and a half. He knew we were gonna be long distance for a while. It didn't matter then but apparently it does now. Since then I have tried to stay busy with my kids and focus on making the best life I can with them. He says he wants to stay friends and that I'll always be family to him (we have know eachother for 16 yrs) but how do you go back to being friends with someone who you have let all your walls down with and been as close as 2 ppl can be?

[sasad]

Sometimes you just can't go back to being friends ... I hate to say it but at this point and where you are emotionally you should probably just shut him out for a while and get your own life back on track.
That he actually listened to his mother and let her dictate your relationship is just mind-boggling to me, especially to an adult with children. This break may actually have been the best for you if this is how your life would have ended up being with his mom telling him how to live his life etc.
Hang out with your friends do stuff with your own children don't be available to him at the drop of a hat. Find yourself and be happy.

[Chris516]

He came to visit me the first weekend of February. 3 days after he went back home, we started to argue. It was mainly about minor stuff and mostly from my end, but it's because after we have our visits and he leaves I always feel extra emotional for a couple of days following our visit. He knows this, and instead of being there for me a little extra during that time he wasn't. So I started to shut down emotionally and didn't reach out to him except to say good morning and goodnight. Instead of him reaching out to me, he distanced himself from me. We had very minimal communication for 3 weeks. Then he admitted to me that the distance was getting to him and he missed me and wanted me to begin the process of making plans to move to be with him. So I told him that I would. That following weekend his mother went to visit him for the weekend. When she left he confronted me and told me that he spoke with his mom and she said it was a bad idea for me and my kids to move to be with him. And because of that, he broke up with me. He said there's no use staying in a relationship where we are so far from eachother. He said he won't move here (he has 2 small daughters) and I told him that's understandable and I could move up there eventuall but he said he doesn't want to separate me from my family and that it would be to hard for me little ones to move and it's not realistic. I'm devistated because he will be coming down to where I live at least 2 times a year because his mother lives 10 min away from me! So why can't we be together? But he says its to stressful. An we fight over little crap often. So I tried to express what I felt but his mind was made up. Now it's a month later and I'm still feeling lost. We barely talk except maybe once a week, hi..how are you..bye.

I had planned for a life with him and now I'm left feeling empty. We were in a relationship for a year and a half. He knew we were gonna be long distance for a while. It didn't matter then but apparently it does now. Since then I have tried to stay busy with my kids and focus on making the best life I can with them. He says he wants to stay friends and that I'll always be family to him (we have know eachother for 16 yrs) but how do you go back to being friends with someone who you have let all your walls down with and been as close as 2 ppl can be?

On a personal level(not with kids in tow), that 'separation from family' aspect. Bugs me. Back in 2002, I moved almost 1,000mi. away from family. My (ex)fiance couldn't get the healthcare she needed. Where my family lives. So I moved with my (ex)fiance up north near the U.S./Canadian border. I also got out from under the ever prying eyes of my family. It was terrible when I was married. Family lived as close as .5mi and would drop by unexpectedly.

Yes, I understand you both have kids' from prior relationships'. I also understand about the other parent having contact with the kids.

[R&R]

Unfortunately, not everyone can handle a LDR. It sounds like it was hard for him to handle your emotions after a visit and started to pull away. His talk with his mother may have influenced him or confirmed for him what he was already feeling. Sometimes people think they can handle the long-distance but when they realize it may be for years, they can’t make that commitment.

Whether you thought you could make the move with the kids and start there, he apparently doesn’t think it could work. As hard as it is, he has made up his mind. You can ask yourself a million times “why”, but he has told you his reasons why. Even though you were willing to put in the effort, he wasn’t. I know that doesn’t make it easier, but both parties must be willing to put in the time and effort it takes. One person can’t do it for both. It’s hard to grasp why someone can’t do what you would do, but everyone is different.

You may need to take a step away from the friendship 100% for now. No contact at all until you can get your head back on straight and when you think you would be ready to maintain a friendship with him. It may take a month, a year or possibly never. It’s hard to get yourself moving forward when you continue to maintain contact. For some people, it’s easy to go back to friendship mode. For others, they can’t go back once the leap was made from friendship to romantic. It’s a risk that you take when you move from a solid friendship to something more.

You have the right idea to focus on your kids and yourself. It’s important to have that full life on your own and you are doing a great job! It will get easier but it’s going to take time. You have to push the “what if’s” and “if only’s” out of your mind. You just torture yourself if you continue to think of what could have been. Maybe keep a journal or somewhere you can get your feelings out will help you to work through this.

[sasad]

On a personal level(not with kids in tow), that 'separation from family' aspect. Bugs me. Back in 2002, I moved almost 1,000mi. away from family. My (ex)fiance couldn't get the healthcare she needed. Where my family lives. So I moved with my (ex)fiance up north near the U.S./Canadian border. I also got out from under the ever prying eyes of my family. It was terrible when I was married. Family lived as close as .5mi and would drop by unexpectedly.

Yes, I understand you both have kids' from prior relationships'. I also understand about the other parent having contact with the kids.

Separation from family is hard... especially if you have the parent of the children near. Sometimes its just not an option. Sometimes it is actually NICE to have family close by to help when you are a single parent. I am close to my family, and my parents have helped me TONS over the last year... Unexpected drop in by parents are stopped with boundry rules... Mine would never ever just stop by. That rule needs to be set and enforced asap.

[hmrambling]

It's best that I went no contact with my exes fresh after break ups, especially the ones where contact would tug at my heart strings or contact would tug at my ex's heart strings. It also gave me time to heal. I also autopsied the relationship and looked at the part that I played in both the successes and shortcomings in the relationship.