Hello!
My name is Haley and I would like to make my first post.
My boyfriend, John, and I officially began our titled relationship on March 11th, 2016. Two years ago, we were both in a production of Sweeney Todd (I have a BA in Musical Theatre and he is an improv actor.) We didn't really interact all that much in during the duration of rehearsals and the show because I kept mostly to myself. I was 25 when rehearsals began and I was just coming out of a really abusive relationship and 9 months out of having a miscarriage. Doing the show was really for me to regain my love of myself and have a sense of passion for my craft again. It was my first step at establishing my own identity again. I was very unaware of my surroundings when it came to men - but I recently found out my now boyfriend was very taken with me during the rehearsal process an run of the show.
Once the show ended, everyone went their separate ways and kept in touch through Facebook. We all liked each others posts and encouraged former cast members and celebrated their victories on solidifying new work. I saw John was moving to Los Angeles at the end of the year and was happy for him. In November (8 months after our show ended) he messaged me on Facebook and asked if I'd like to hang out before he moved to Los Angeles. I agreed, but I was really conscious of his age (he's 5 years younger than I am) at the time and was determined not to identify the evening as a date. He came to my apartment and cooked me steak (I wasn't a vegetarian at the time) and we went to Second City to see a show he had gotten us tickets to and then we came back to my apartment where we would spend the rest of the evening talking into the early hours of the morning.
I'm not immune to my own self-destructive behavior. I remember making it a point to share my freshest wounds with him because I was certain it would scare him away - but in reality, he had been through similar situations. He was very understanding and we actively listened to each other. I'm in a place now where I knew we were both really bruised at the time and our baggage matched one another, so it didn't make sitting with it so hard.
He moved to Los Angeles the next day. And I began a year of dating everyone on earth.
We kept in touch here and there. Every few months we'd message each other, mostly I would initiate. Sometimes he would. He was having his own transplant struggles being new to LA and I was serial sleeping/dating everyone under the sun and very open and public about it on Facebook. In August, he contacted me about hanging out again when he was in town in September for Riotfest. I had written it in my calendar, but didn't think anything of it until September came around and I messaged him a week before to see if he was still coming. He said he wasn't because he was going to Colorado to see his father.
Later that month he messaged me and told me his father had cancer. I remember thinking how it must have taken him a lot of courage to reach out, so we talked about it and I let him know I was there for him in any capacity that I could be. We talked a little more often then. His father past away at the beginning of November. And at the end of November, he messaged me to tell me he was coming to Chicago for Christmas an he wanted to see me.
From that point on we were talking at least two three times a week. A few weeks before he visited, we started calling each other and talking on the phone every now and then. He arrived really early in the morning on the 27th and I left him a key to my apartment. I had just had a long day of driving back to Chicago from spending Christmas in Arkansas where my family lives. I specifically told him to come crawl in bed with me when he arrived and that's exactly what he did. I remember feeling him get in bed and wrap his arms around me as if he was holding an old friend, and it was such a wonderful feeling.
We talked about what our situation was. We both agreed it was more than sex. We knew distance was a thing because I was in Chicago, where I wanted to be and was finishing my graduate program, and he was in LA fulfilling his destiny. But we wanted to try being exclusive - but not officially bf/gf; So we set a trial period. From December of 2015 - March 2016 we would attempt long distance. It worked out.
It doesn't seem hard, but there are things I struggle with. He knows I come from an abusive relationship with a closeted homosexual with narcissistic personality disorder. I had been codependent for 3 years of my 5 year relationship. I had been through the trauma of losing a child. But I had built myself and put myself back together after leaving. I took care of myself and was fiercely independent which is one of the things he really likes about me. I am a mental health professional - I have my masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I'm a therapist. I have learned how to deal with my own shit, but it's very hard for me to be emotionally vulnerable because I know my own coping mechanisms.
I put a lot of emphasis on physical aspects of relationships. When I was 5, I was raped and molested over the course of 6 months. It happened at an elementary school where my mother taught 3rd grade. My rapist was the son of a 4th grade teacher. And because I come from a very religious part of the country, when my mother figured out something wasn't right... nothing happened. She confronted my assailants mother to which she confronted my rapist (who was 14 or 15 at the time and denied everything) and then he sat me on his lap and told me the story of the little girl who "cried wolf." My mom believed me, but she didn't know how to handle the situation. She didn't want anyone to know she had failed to protect her daughter. She didn't want me to be labeled or to feel ashamed. So, she prayed, and I developed an eating disorder at the age of 5 and would developmentally miss huge milestones that would help me create a healthy since of coping. I didn't know how to regulate my emotions so I would often times lash out at my mother. There was a deep rooted sense of mistrust and anger which formed into verbal and emotional abuse - which she let me do because she felt like she deserved it. She was over-protective of me and I didn't want to be around her. I was forced to go to the elementary school where I was raped for 5 years until I transitioned out of it. I even had my rapists mother as a 4th grade teacher. You can imagine the emotional stress. I coped with eating. I was a good student. I was loving and kind to all my teachers and friends. So when I would get home and hate my mother, she'd often ask me "Why are you good for everyone else and not for me?" - and I didn't know... so I thought I was a bad child.
I weighed 450lbs by the time I was 19. When I was 19 I had lap-band surgery because my parents were fearful of my health. They didn't understand that my binge eating was a direct correlation to my PTSD Once I moved out when I was 18 for college, my relationship with my mother improved 500%. I came home on my own terms. Called when I wanted. Answered when I wanted. I lost weight slowly and since then, I've lost 175lbs. I continue to work hard, eat healthy, and exercise as much as possible.
When I entered my graduate program we are all encouraged to deal with our own stuff before school and my classes really helped me see that I had a lot of unresolved issues. I had a therapist when I had my miscarriage, but that was mainly to help me with my grief and regain my sense of identity. When I started learning all of the things and making connections about my own personal life, I realized I suffered from Binge Eating Disorder - I had fixed the actual eating part by having Lap-Band, but I hadn't addressed my emotional trauma or gotten to the root of my issues at all. But, I had replaced my eating with dating. And I would sleep with people because I wanted to be held for a brief moment without feeling vulnerable.
My boyfriend doesn't know about my trauma. I know he would care and listen and wouldn't make me feel ashamed or like me any less... but I know a lot of my behavior stems from that. I want him to know I'll try to fix arguments or feelings of discomfort with sex... It hasn't happened yet, because our relationship is new. But I know it's going to come up. This is why I love our long distance relationship. It allows me time and distance to really feel things and figure out what those feelings are. It also doesn't put physicality in the front and denies me access to use it as a coping mechanism. I have to actually talk about what makes me upset and verbalize what I want and not be afraid to ask for it.
John's been so patient and kind with me. He's careful and considerate but not patronizing or condescending. He doesn't make me feel like a punchline and consistently gives me back my power. (Often times I like to give decisions to other people so I don't have to take responsibility when things go wrong. He holds me accountable without making me feel guilty or ashamed.) It's really wonderful.
This post is really about me saying out loud and being realistic about what my struggles are going to be. Owning my own shit. Being honest. And really letting the time we do get physically together not be about coping over some anxiety or fear, but really enjoying and caring about each other in the most intimate way possible. I'm hoping though my own story and through others, this experience will be full of self-growth and help me cultivate an awesome honest relationship with my SO. I deserve to be the best version of myself and I want him to experience that as well.
Thanks for reading.
My name is Haley and I would like to make my first post.
My boyfriend, John, and I officially began our titled relationship on March 11th, 2016. Two years ago, we were both in a production of Sweeney Todd (I have a BA in Musical Theatre and he is an improv actor.) We didn't really interact all that much in during the duration of rehearsals and the show because I kept mostly to myself. I was 25 when rehearsals began and I was just coming out of a really abusive relationship and 9 months out of having a miscarriage. Doing the show was really for me to regain my love of myself and have a sense of passion for my craft again. It was my first step at establishing my own identity again. I was very unaware of my surroundings when it came to men - but I recently found out my now boyfriend was very taken with me during the rehearsal process an run of the show.
Once the show ended, everyone went their separate ways and kept in touch through Facebook. We all liked each others posts and encouraged former cast members and celebrated their victories on solidifying new work. I saw John was moving to Los Angeles at the end of the year and was happy for him. In November (8 months after our show ended) he messaged me on Facebook and asked if I'd like to hang out before he moved to Los Angeles. I agreed, but I was really conscious of his age (he's 5 years younger than I am) at the time and was determined not to identify the evening as a date. He came to my apartment and cooked me steak (I wasn't a vegetarian at the time) and we went to Second City to see a show he had gotten us tickets to and then we came back to my apartment where we would spend the rest of the evening talking into the early hours of the morning.
I'm not immune to my own self-destructive behavior. I remember making it a point to share my freshest wounds with him because I was certain it would scare him away - but in reality, he had been through similar situations. He was very understanding and we actively listened to each other. I'm in a place now where I knew we were both really bruised at the time and our baggage matched one another, so it didn't make sitting with it so hard.
He moved to Los Angeles the next day. And I began a year of dating everyone on earth.
We kept in touch here and there. Every few months we'd message each other, mostly I would initiate. Sometimes he would. He was having his own transplant struggles being new to LA and I was serial sleeping/dating everyone under the sun and very open and public about it on Facebook. In August, he contacted me about hanging out again when he was in town in September for Riotfest. I had written it in my calendar, but didn't think anything of it until September came around and I messaged him a week before to see if he was still coming. He said he wasn't because he was going to Colorado to see his father.
Later that month he messaged me and told me his father had cancer. I remember thinking how it must have taken him a lot of courage to reach out, so we talked about it and I let him know I was there for him in any capacity that I could be. We talked a little more often then. His father past away at the beginning of November. And at the end of November, he messaged me to tell me he was coming to Chicago for Christmas an he wanted to see me.
From that point on we were talking at least two three times a week. A few weeks before he visited, we started calling each other and talking on the phone every now and then. He arrived really early in the morning on the 27th and I left him a key to my apartment. I had just had a long day of driving back to Chicago from spending Christmas in Arkansas where my family lives. I specifically told him to come crawl in bed with me when he arrived and that's exactly what he did. I remember feeling him get in bed and wrap his arms around me as if he was holding an old friend, and it was such a wonderful feeling.
We talked about what our situation was. We both agreed it was more than sex. We knew distance was a thing because I was in Chicago, where I wanted to be and was finishing my graduate program, and he was in LA fulfilling his destiny. But we wanted to try being exclusive - but not officially bf/gf; So we set a trial period. From December of 2015 - March 2016 we would attempt long distance. It worked out.
It doesn't seem hard, but there are things I struggle with. He knows I come from an abusive relationship with a closeted homosexual with narcissistic personality disorder. I had been codependent for 3 years of my 5 year relationship. I had been through the trauma of losing a child. But I had built myself and put myself back together after leaving. I took care of myself and was fiercely independent which is one of the things he really likes about me. I am a mental health professional - I have my masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I'm a therapist. I have learned how to deal with my own shit, but it's very hard for me to be emotionally vulnerable because I know my own coping mechanisms.
I put a lot of emphasis on physical aspects of relationships. When I was 5, I was raped and molested over the course of 6 months. It happened at an elementary school where my mother taught 3rd grade. My rapist was the son of a 4th grade teacher. And because I come from a very religious part of the country, when my mother figured out something wasn't right... nothing happened. She confronted my assailants mother to which she confronted my rapist (who was 14 or 15 at the time and denied everything) and then he sat me on his lap and told me the story of the little girl who "cried wolf." My mom believed me, but she didn't know how to handle the situation. She didn't want anyone to know she had failed to protect her daughter. She didn't want me to be labeled or to feel ashamed. So, she prayed, and I developed an eating disorder at the age of 5 and would developmentally miss huge milestones that would help me create a healthy since of coping. I didn't know how to regulate my emotions so I would often times lash out at my mother. There was a deep rooted sense of mistrust and anger which formed into verbal and emotional abuse - which she let me do because she felt like she deserved it. She was over-protective of me and I didn't want to be around her. I was forced to go to the elementary school where I was raped for 5 years until I transitioned out of it. I even had my rapists mother as a 4th grade teacher. You can imagine the emotional stress. I coped with eating. I was a good student. I was loving and kind to all my teachers and friends. So when I would get home and hate my mother, she'd often ask me "Why are you good for everyone else and not for me?" - and I didn't know... so I thought I was a bad child.
I weighed 450lbs by the time I was 19. When I was 19 I had lap-band surgery because my parents were fearful of my health. They didn't understand that my binge eating was a direct correlation to my PTSD Once I moved out when I was 18 for college, my relationship with my mother improved 500%. I came home on my own terms. Called when I wanted. Answered when I wanted. I lost weight slowly and since then, I've lost 175lbs. I continue to work hard, eat healthy, and exercise as much as possible.
When I entered my graduate program we are all encouraged to deal with our own stuff before school and my classes really helped me see that I had a lot of unresolved issues. I had a therapist when I had my miscarriage, but that was mainly to help me with my grief and regain my sense of identity. When I started learning all of the things and making connections about my own personal life, I realized I suffered from Binge Eating Disorder - I had fixed the actual eating part by having Lap-Band, but I hadn't addressed my emotional trauma or gotten to the root of my issues at all. But, I had replaced my eating with dating. And I would sleep with people because I wanted to be held for a brief moment without feeling vulnerable.
My boyfriend doesn't know about my trauma. I know he would care and listen and wouldn't make me feel ashamed or like me any less... but I know a lot of my behavior stems from that. I want him to know I'll try to fix arguments or feelings of discomfort with sex... It hasn't happened yet, because our relationship is new. But I know it's going to come up. This is why I love our long distance relationship. It allows me time and distance to really feel things and figure out what those feelings are. It also doesn't put physicality in the front and denies me access to use it as a coping mechanism. I have to actually talk about what makes me upset and verbalize what I want and not be afraid to ask for it.
John's been so patient and kind with me. He's careful and considerate but not patronizing or condescending. He doesn't make me feel like a punchline and consistently gives me back my power. (Often times I like to give decisions to other people so I don't have to take responsibility when things go wrong. He holds me accountable without making me feel guilty or ashamed.) It's really wonderful.
This post is really about me saying out loud and being realistic about what my struggles are going to be. Owning my own shit. Being honest. And really letting the time we do get physically together not be about coping over some anxiety or fear, but really enjoying and caring about each other in the most intimate way possible. I'm hoping though my own story and through others, this experience will be full of self-growth and help me cultivate an awesome honest relationship with my SO. I deserve to be the best version of myself and I want him to experience that as well.
Thanks for reading.
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