Met her, don't know what to do next with the relationship

[Zezima]

After nearly 2 years of dating online, I met her for the first time in person and I stayed with her for a week. We had lot of argument before the meeting because I delayed the visit.Everything went great when I met her, there was no awkwardness, we never ran out of things to talk about, we both felt very comfortable being around each other and we really enjoyed spending time each other. We had good chemistry as well, we kissed a lot and everything felt natural.

I think she had pretty high expectations of sex and I didn't last too long and she was disappointed about it(first time for both). Overall, we did have good sex. I did have some
insecurities and she seemed to be patient about it.

Now comes the negative aspects -
1. She seemes to chat less since I returned and I feel like she's not that interested in me, I'm not sure if I'm just being negative or not. She still
says she likes me a lot and wants me to move there permanently. She still refuses to talk to me on phone around her friends or her roommate and tells me she would introduce me to them and make the relationship official after I move there permanently.

2. She gets pissed if I don't carry her bags and pinches me, bites me if I say no anything. She bites and pinches very hard.. my arms have turned blue and black from pinching and biting.She says she does it out of love.. I don't mind it but it gets painful sometimes.

3. Do woman joke when they talk about marriage and kids? She used to say she wants to settle down in 1 year with me and when I told her to take things slow, she would get pissed at me.She would ask me questions like if I'm going to marry her or not but now she says she doesn't mind waiting 3-4 years. I'm just wondering what changed her all of a sudden. She would talk about marriage 24/7 but now she barely talks about it. Not that I want to rush things.. I'm wondering has she lost interest in me or want to date other people?


Ps, we're both 24. Despite everything, I felt very happy being with her in person. Not so happy now.

[sasad]

Run away. It is NOT normal to be pinched or hit or abused in any shape or form. She bites??? Don't you know that you can get sick from a person bite/????

Why the hell are you with her? Get away from her. NOW.

[C.C.]

I don't really know about the relationship.

But.. Why is biting and pinching bad exactly IF both sides accept it?

[OrKing]

Nothing if it's playful and fun for both people involved. My girlfriend finds it fun to lightly punch me in the arm, I don't like it solely because I seem to have a hyper alert fight or flight response leaning heavily toward fight and whenever someone acts physically aggressive towards me my first instinct is to throw a punch. When it comes to the people I love having that instinct however briefly makes me really uncomfortable, so I prefer she doesn't obviously. There is no physical or mental abuse here, just my girl having an annoying idea of fun and me being against that particular whim for personal feelings, which is likely frustrating for her since it is just fun playing.

The above doesn't sound at all like that though. The fact that she pinches and bites hard enough to bruise and the fact that she does it when he/she doesn't do something that she wants? That's coercion. And the "she says she does it out of love" sounds fucked up as hell to me. Unless I'm badly understanding the reality of what goes on that sounds like abuse to me, of the emotional kind at the very least.

Now being only 20 myself I don't really understand how people can't see when their actions are fucked up, but having grown up in a home full of unbalanced people perhaps gave me an edge there. It's apparently possible, probable maybe that your SO can't see the wrong in her actions, so I'd tell her to quit that shit in a serious manner, and then if she doesn't you've got a bigger issue than what appears. Also she seems to have a thing for being in control, which is cool if you're comfortable with that and she knows how to wield the power it gives her without being abusive, but that doesn't sound like the case. Again, I may be misreading, I'm sorry if I am.

[C.C.]

Well, I haven't really bitten anyone in that way. However, I have punched playfully or have poked or have been poked in my friends' circle, when either they or I have been teasing each other. Like for example, if I try to tell a spoiler to a friend, he'll definitely poke me. Also, when for example, my friend used to say something without finishing or would joke to annoy me, I'd punch him playfully.
My point is, in my case, it happens when someone does something annoying that you want them to stop doing but not annoying enough for you to actually get mad.

However, it is completely and utterly wrong if you have said that you don't like it and she still kept doing it.

I don't really understand the context here, though, I have no idea about bruises, she might not really notice that doing it is wrong, it just happens sometimes, her purpose might not be abuse. Unless you tell her not to and she still insists on doing it.

I can't help thinking about people who willingly engage in far more hurtful things, which can leave far worse bruises too. And ones who enjoy pain. SM basically. I consider it normal if two people are okay with it *shrugs*.

[sasad]

2. She gets pissed if I don't carry her bags and pinches me, bites me if I say no anything. She bites and pinches very hard.. my arms have turned blue and black from pinching and biting.She says she does it out of love.. I don't mind it but it gets painful sometimes.


She gets pissed.... How can that be construed as playful or fun?

[JaneEmily]

I don't understand how everything went great if there's such a big thing as the fact she physically hurts you until you bruise. I've playfully slapped my SO's arm, SOFTLY, when he's being a doofus or making me laugh but I would never ever pinch him or bite him if I was pissed off. Heck, I wouldn't lay a single finger on him even if I was pissed off. I would communicate my feelings/emotions with WORDS. The way she goes about letting you know she's pissed is WRONG. I have to agree with sasad. It's physical abuse. Not only does she FORCE you to carry her bags, she punishes you with a physical action if you don't - that constitutes as abuse and if you stay with her or allow her to continue doing that, it will only get worse and the violence will only get more physical.

[C.C.]

In case, I am being misunderstood. I agree with what all of you say.

I just don't get whether she actually gets mad and pissed and expresses it with pinching and biting or whether she does it when she's not actually, but playfully mad. I just don't get why would she say that she does it out of love in the former case, but I guess people are strange. And I just want to get more clarification from OP.
Former case asks for an immediate breakup, of course. No arguing about that.

[Zezima]

In case, I am being misunderstood. I agree with what all of you say.

I just don't get whether she actually gets mad and pissed and expresses it with pinching and biting or whether she does it when she's not actually, but playfully mad. I just don't get why would she say that she does it out of love in the former case, but I guess people are strange. And I just want to get more clarification from OP.
Former case asks for an immediate breakup, of course. No arguing about that.

She does it when she's mad/pissed off and when she's being playful. Tbh, I don't care about the biting and pinching. That's not a huge turn of for me. I wanted to know if she lost interest in me after meeting her in person.

[R&R]

She does it when she's mad/pissed off and when she's being playful. Tbh, I don't care about the biting and pinching. That's not a huge turn of for me. I wanted to know if she lost interest in me after meeting her in person.

My SO smacks my ass when he walks by - playful and not enough to bruise me. He would bite lightly when we were fooling around but he has very strong teeth and his being playful was painful and I told him so. He doesn't do it anymore.

If in just one week of visiting she has done this enough to leave bruises and marks, that's not good at all. Whether you want to deny it or not, that IS abuse. Most abusers don't stick to something that small either. If you move, you can almost be guaranteed it's going to escalate to much more.

GET OUT NOW!!! You do NOT stay in an abusive relationship! She manipulates you and you let her. She has the power over you and she knows it. That is NOT love. It's time for you to gain some self-respect and learn that you deserve much better than to be treated like that. She needs to see a professional counselor to figure out why she physically acts out in anger and learn how to control it and to communicate constructively. Unless she can do that, you are in a toxic, destructive relationship that you need to end.

[Elizabeth123]

In agreement with sasad and R&R...GET AWAY!!!
That's not a relationship that's abuse
She found out you don't fight back...no reason to pursue you IMHO

[C.C.]

I wanted to know if she lost interest in me after meeting her in person.

Maybe it's for the best if she did...

[SailorRei]

I'm sorry to say that but your gf as you describe her sounds a little horrible..

She was disappointed with your first time sex? When you guys just met in real life for the first time? I get that she might have had some ideas/expectations how it should go, look/feel like, but that shouldn't have anything to do with your performance.

She might talk less because she misses you? Sounds silly but I tend to retract and go silent when I'm feeling bad/sad instead of talking to my bf... just a thought
The point of bruising and pinching was already covers and I really have nothing else to say here expect please listen to everybody else. That's not healthy.

She still refuses to talk to me on phone around her friends or her roommate and tells me she would introduce me to them and make the relationship official after I move there permanently.

Question: She didn't introduce you to her friends when you were visiting??? If she was keeping you secret, that's VERY alarming

[sasad]

I don't really know about the relationship.

But.. Why is biting and pinching bad exactly IF both sides accept it?

If it's done in anger it's never OK to hit anybody especially in the name of love. And when most people are into a more aggressive relationship there's usually a SafeWord that we use to make sure the other person knows when to stop. I love love bites and being teased just like everybody else has said, and I don't mind a little pain get this the kind we both discussed before. But under no circumstances do I ever see biting and hitting as a way of control ever acceptable.


Human bites on the hand almost always require medical attention as well. Kids by kids all the time and at the linen of school situation you know when somebody gets bitten especially when it has to be reported.

[Miasmata]

As someone who does a bunch of consensual hitting and bruising, this is super not okay!! Things like this need to be done safely and CONSENSUALLY, and never out of anger. In healthy relationships with playful, consensual pain, doing anything like that out of anger is considered off-limits. From everything you wrote, OP, your partner sounds ungrateful and has a bad temper, and you don't need to let that happen. Your partner has no right to treat you this way out of spite or anger. Discuss boundaries, and make clear that she can't just do whatever with you. You're not a toy!