Met her, don't know what to do next with the relationship

[C.C.]

If it's done in anger it's never OK to hit anybody especially in the name of love.

https://members.lovingfromadistance....l=1#post417498

[Chris516]

After nearly 2 years of dating online, I met her for the first time in person and I stayed with her for a week. We had lot of argument before the meeting because I delayed the visit. Everything went great when I met her, there was no awkwardness, we never ran out of things to talk about, we both felt very comfortable being around each other and we really enjoyed spending time each other. We had good chemistry as well, we kissed a lot and everything felt natural.

I think she had pretty high expectations of sex and I didn't last too long and she was disappointed about it(first time for both). Overall, we did have good sex. I did have some
insecurities and she seemed to be patient about it.

Hmmm....Well, You partially bit yourself. By repeatedly putting off the visit. I am glad that you both felt comfortable around each other.

Now comes the negative aspects -
1. She seems to chat less since I returned and I feel like she's not that interested in me, I'm not sure if I'm just being negative or not. She still says she likes me a lot and wants me to move there permanently. She still refuses to talk to me on phone around her friends or her roommate and tells me she would introduce me to them and make the relationship official after I move there permanently.

2. She gets pissed if I don't carry her bags and pinches me, bites me if I say no anything. She bites and pinches very hard.. my arms have turned blue and black from pinching and biting.She says she does it out of love.. I don't mind it but it gets painful sometimes.

3. Do woman joke when they talk about marriage and kids? She used to say she wants to settle down in 1 year with me and when I told her to take things slow, she would get pissed at me. She would ask me questions like if I'm going to marry her or not but now she says she doesn't mind waiting 3-4 years. I'm just wondering what changed her all of a sudden. She would talk about marriage 24/7 but now she barely talks about it. Not that I want to rush things.. I'm wondering has she lost interest in me or want to date other people?


Ps, we're both 24. Despite everything, I felt very happy being with her in person. Not so happy now.

1. She may not want to talk to you on the phone, or around her friends. Because of potential criticism from them, about LDR's.

2. Her getting ticked about you not carrying her bags says one thing. She feels you are not being a gentleman by carrying her bags for her. Now, Saying no to anything? Does that include holding doors open for her(including helping step out of a car). What about being a gentleman by holding her chair for her while she sits down at a table?

3. Women want a man they feel they can depend on(no I am not a woman). A man that for all intensive purposes, won't cause the woman to become a single mom.

It does seem like she is rushing the timetable for the marriage/kids discussion. At the same time she is rushing that discussion. You have an opportunity for growth, within the relationship. That means, NOT running the other direction. While she tries to seemingly rush things. You can stay in the relationship by holding her accountable. Saying that the two of you have to be equal whatever the status of the romantic relationship. Keep your eyes' open. Because she could also be trying to dupe you. You can equal her rushing the marriage/kids discussion. By making sure. Everything is split 50/50. My (ex)fiance did not like the fact that the apartment, and cable tv was in my name. I told her to put the cell phone account for us, in her name. She grew to become comfortable with that. I held her accountable. She is Bi-Polar II. So, I had to be 'controlling', to an extent. But, When it came to how other people treated her. I was quick to defend/help her. Not out of ignorance. But that is what two people do, when they love each other. So, Just as I wouldn't let her make a monkey out of me. I equally supported her with gusto.

[Miasmata]

Chris, please stop saying "what women want", and comparing every single situation to your own when it's not appropriate. The issue of the relationship also isn't whether he's being a gentleman or not, her behaviour is not justifiable either way.

[sasad]

Chris, please stop saying "what women want", and comparing every single situation to your own when it's not appropriate. The issue of the relationship also isn't whether he's being a gentleman or not, her behaviour is not justifiable either way.

Thank you thank you thank you!!!
I don't think he read the part about the abuse...

[Chris516]

Thank you thank you thank you!!!
I don't think he read the part about the abuse...

I did read the part about the abuse!!!!

My (ex)fiance(2002-2007) was emotionally abusive!!!!! To the point of 'diagnosing' me with thirteen different mental and physical health issues. When she isn't even a mental health clinician. Adding to that, she almost got me arrested by lying to the cops.

I was not ignoring what she did to him. But tried to empower him. Telling him to run does not empower him. It will only be 'quick fix'.

[R&R]

I did read the part about the abuse!!!!

My (ex)fiance(2002-2007) was emotionally abusive!!!!! To the point of 'diagnosing' me with thirteen different mental and physical health issues. When she isn't even a mental health clinician. Adding to that, she almost got me arrested by lying to the cops.

I was not ignoring what she did to him. But tried to empower him. Telling him to run does not empower him. It will only be 'quick fix'.

Sometimes the most "empowering" thing you can do is walk away. Sticking around for abuse not is the correct things to do. Yes, he may need to work on himself to feel more secure and confident, but staying in an abusive relationship is no way to accomplish this.

[Zezima]

Hmmm....Well, You partially bit yourself. By repeatedly putting off the visit. I am glad that you both felt comfortable around each other.

1. She may not want to talk to you on the phone, or around her friends. Because of potential criticism from them, about LDR's.

2. Her getting ticked about you not carrying her bags says one thing. She feels you are not being a gentleman by carrying her bags for her. Now, Saying no to anything? Does that include holding doors open for her(including helping step out of a car). What about being a gentleman by holding her chair for her while she sits down at a table?

3. Women want a man they feel they can depend on(no I am not a woman). A man that for all intensive purposes, won't cause the woman to become a single mom.

It does seem like she is rushing the timetable for the marriage/kids discussion. At the same time she is rushing that discussion. You have an opportunity for growth, within the relationship. That means, NOT running the other direction. While she tries to seemingly rush things. You can stay in the relationship by holding her accountable. Saying that the two of you have to be equal whatever the status of the romantic relationship. Keep your eyes' open. Because she could also be trying to dupe you. You can equal her rushing the marriage/kids discussion. By making sure. Everything is split 50/50. My (ex)fiance did not like the fact that the apartment, and cable tv was in my name. I told her to put the cell phone account for us, in her name. She grew to become comfortable with that. I held her accountable. She is Bi-Polar II. So, I had to be 'controlling', to an extent. But, When it came to how other people treated her. I was quick to defend/help her. Not out of ignorance. But that is what two people do, when they love each other. So, Just as I wouldn't let her make a monkey out of me. I equally supported her with gusto.

I think you understood what I'm trying to talk about. Yes, exactly, she doesn't want to talk on phone because of potential criticism from her friends about LDRs.

I feel like she rushed the timetable for marriage/kids and is now backing off and that is what I want to know why. I feel like she is backing away from relationship..is that what she is trying to do? I feel like she doesn't know what she wants. What do you mean she is trying to dupe me? I don't know whether to believe her words anymore or not.

[Chris516]

I think you understood what I'm trying to talk about. Yes, exactly, she doesn't want to talk on phone because of potential criticism from her friends about LDRs.

I feel like she rushed the timetable for marriage/kids and is now backing off and that is what I want to know why. I feel like she is backing away from relationship..is that what she is trying to do? I feel like she doesn't know what she wants. What do you mean she is trying to dupe me? I don't know whether to believe her words anymore or not.

1. She may not want to lose you, and fears losing you. So she fears family and close friend's knowing about you and the distance.

2. She could also be trying to dupe you, just to hit you up for child support upon becoming a U.S. citizen(if she wants' to get U.S. citizenship). Decades ago, it wasn't as common then to collect child support from the biological father. I say that because. It is not uncommon for some women in Asia, and the (former)USSR. To strike up relationships with men from the U.S.. For the sole reason of gaining U.S. citizenship. Then immediately taking off. Once that citizenship is achieved. There was at least one story I vaguely recall. That was on one of the network nightly news magazines years ago. Where the man had found his 'bride' on a Russian dating site(prior to 1991 when the USSR was dissolved). She came to the U.S.. He eventually wound up dead, and she went back to the (former)USSR.

This may sound crazy. But the television show M*A*S*H(1972-1983) actually did an episode about something like this. Where an Asian woman is going to marry a U.S. soldier. Just so she can go work for someone in the U.S., and once the woman gains citizenship, they would part company and the soldier gets' paid for his troubles. His 'deal is blown', when it is found, that she has tuberculosis.

The episodes from M*A*S*H were based on real-life situations. Producers Gene Reynolds, Larry Gelbart, and Burt Metcalfe made countless trips to South Korea to research stories for the episodes.

[Zezima]

She's already a citizen there and has a wealthy family.

[Chris516]

She's already a citizen there and has a wealthy family.

I was referring to her potentially trying to get citizenship in the U.S.. Even if she has a 'wealthy' family in Asia. That is somewhat subjective. As to what is considered 'wealthy' in Asia, compared to the U.S.. What country in Asia is she from?

[Miasmata]

Sometimes the most "empowering" thing you can do is walk away. Sticking around for abuse not is the correct things to do. Yes, he may need to work on himself to feel more secure and confident, but staying in an abusive relationship is no way to accomplish this.

This! Obviously, none of us here can read minds and make a call on whether something is dangerous to you, but trust me OP, a loving relationship DOES NOT involve violence out of spite or anger, and it does not involve the amount of criticism and ungratefulness you've been shown. I implore you, please examine whether this relationship is worth salvaging, and whether you are truly being treated the way you deserve.

[JaneEmily]

I was referring to her potentially trying to get citizenship in the U.S.. Even if she has a 'wealthy' family in Asia. That is somewhat subjective. As to what is considered 'wealthy' in Asia, compared to the U.S.. What country in Asia is she from?

The OP is in Asia, not his SO. Says so in the profile so you've got the wrong end of the stick.

But I'm with R&R, Sasad and Miasmata. I asked my fiance last night what would he have done if either of us had been like that on our first meeting? He said he would've just walked away and that would be the end. I agreed with him. No one should be forced to stay in an abusive relationship, whether it's physical or emotional: you deserve better EVEN if they love you. Just because they love you, doesn't mean they're good for you.

[Zezima]

The OP is in Asia, not his SO. Says so in the profile so you've got the wrong end of the stick.

But I'm with R&R, Sasad and Miasmata. I asked my fiance last night what would he have done if either of us had been like that on our first meeting? He said he would've just walked away and that would be the end. I agreed with him. No one should be forced to stay in an abusive relationship, whether it's physical or emotional: you deserve better EVEN if they love you. Just because they love you, doesn't mean they're good for you.

Thanks for all the input. I feel like she's a bit immature, not intentionally abusive.. I just wanted some closure and wanted to know why she lost interest in me. Regardless, I am trying to guard myself and back away from her for a while and have no contact.

[Elizabeth123]

I feel like she's a bit immature, not intentionally abusive.

I am trying to guard myself and back away from her for a while and have no contact.

Please remember you deserve love and respect...no contact is very wise

[sasad]

I did read the part about the abuse!!!!

My (ex)fiance(2002-2007) was emotionally abusive!!!!! To the point of 'diagnosing' me with thirteen different mental and physical health issues. When she isn't even a mental health clinician. Adding to that, she almost got me arrested by lying to the cops.

I was not ignoring what she did to him. But tried to empower him. Telling him to run does not empower him. It will only be 'quick fix'.

Again, what does that have to do with the OP? And you obviously have not been in a physically abusive relationship, so please don't ever ever preach about a quick fix by walking away... ever. And please don't respond back to this with another story. Thank you.