I can't stop thinking about boyfriends past!

[kireerik]

Hey everyone!,
Lately I haven't been feeling so well and in a way I've been making myself feel bad and have really unessesary thoughts and feelings towards my Boyfriend past. So to start off my Boyfriend and I started talking for over 6 months and I never connected with anyone as much as I have with him. Right from the start we started learning so much about each other and started even getting on FaceTime and having phone calls as well. He asked me out and I knew I wanted to be his regardless of the distance because I knew one day we would have plans to see each other, and we did! This upcoming June for my graduation and August at his place and again in October for my birthday! Everything couldn't be much better. I'm so excited to see him! We have our fights here and there but we know how to communicate with each other and we still learn everyday. Now, recently I've been overthinking and become really sad due to my boyfriends past. I know he would never cheat on me and has never cheated on me. He respects me and is very loyal just the way I am with him. Since the start we have opened up to each other and I know all about his previous relationships including his sexual past and his "nude sending" via iMessage, Twitter, snapchat etc. now I know this was a time where I didn't know him and there's honestly nothing you can do about the past, but why am I feeling so low? It really bothers me how other people saw his body like that and honestly it seemed like he was so reckless and so sexual even with two random people he didn't even know! I keep overthinking and having thoughts in my head like, "why would he do that", "does he not value sex?","does he feel so comfortable with anyone?". It really makes me feel less special and I know I shouldn't feel that but honestly I don't know how to stop. Many arguments come from me always questioning his past or trying to start problems because I'm bringing it up and I don't want to push him away because of that. I want to feel better and not think of it but it's always coming in my head and I don't like picturing him doing all his reckless sexual activities from the past. I love him so much and I know he does too. It really sucks because it's something that just comes randomly and it completely ruins my mood. I want to know if anyone else is feeling this way or can explain to me how I can overcome this. I know it's not his fault and people all over the world do reckless things with ought thinking when there single. I guess it's that I love him so much that everything hurts to think.

[abna1]

Hey, welcome to LFAD!

It sounds like things are going very well. Don't let the past affect what you have now! People have previous relationships, some more than others, but that has nothing to do with the relationship you're in now. You are special, because the experience he's having with you now is unique and he hasn't had that with anyone else.
Try not to bring it up, especially in arguments. Just push it to the back of your mind. It can be hard, if it's something you think of a lot, but it's not fair to him. He didn't know you then and wasn't breaking your trust. Just focus on your relationship now and your future instead of worrying about his past.

[Ejoriah]

abna gave some really good advice. People have pasts but what matters is how committed etc they are to you, and so far it seems that you are on the right track with open communication and plans to meet up. I understand how you feel though. When I started dating my now-husband I found out that he had been previously engaged, in fact she acted like she was married to him (would sign her name with his last name, would refer to him as her husband on online media). For a long time I had trouble coming to terms with feelings of insecurity, like maybe she was more special than me or he was using me to replace her if he couldn't have her. He ended up pointing out that if that was the case, he still would be with her and not with me. It took me some time to get over it and it might take you some time too, but at the beginning you might need to make a conscious effort NOT to bring it up in conversation.

[differentcountries]

We all have a past. SO took some time to understand and digest that I have had several loving relationships in the past, including a sort of relationship that ended not long time ago before we met. SO on the other hand, have had more the kind of random sexual contact that you talk about - he has slept with several girls who are or used to be his custumers. I too was a little bothered by his past and wondered if that random variety was something he still craved and what would it mean for us that our experiences are so different.

Well, for us it meant that in a sense, even though he has slept with way more people than I have, SO is in my eyes a kind of "virgin". The type of sex that I am used to having, was something very new to him that he had not had before. In the beginning, he was rather proud that he had "scored" in the past. But now him and his friends are all family men who doesn't think that way anymore. It is not that sex is not fun, it is just it is also initimate, perhaps even challenging. I would rather not think about who he has slept with, and I never asked him to point them out, as I know that would only make me obsess about them. I just have to trust that the sex that we have is what he wants and that it is satifisfying for him to share that with me. I feel that as time goes by and I get to know him more, I get more security in that I know him and trust our connection.

[SailorRei]

It's exactly like differentcountries said: We all have a past.
But what's important is here and now. My advice is to stop thinking about this! Your SO was different guy before he met you, so there's nothing wrong with sleeping with other people. It was then, and if anything, it should make him better at sex (my very personal and honest opinion here!). Unless this is what I'm telling myself.

It's in the past, and you should not judge him for things he did and see your whole relationship through how many people he slept with

(and sending/receiving nudes from people you actually want to see naked is fun)

[hmrambling]

I have a very sorted past. I do *not* share specific details of my past. I would have to look at my motives if I shared very specific details of my past. I share with my partner in a general way what my past was like. The reason I shared with my partner in a general way what my past was like is so that she can make an informed decision about pursuing a relationship with me.

Having said that, I will say that my partner is a strong, independent, secure woman who can handle the truth. I have zero evidence that she taunts herself with my past.

I will say this, though...

... it seemed like he was so reckless and so sexual even with two random people he didn't even know!

"why would he do that", "does he not value sex?","does he feel so comfortable with anyone?".

I don't like picturing him doing all his reckless sexual activities from the past.

I know it's not his fault and people all over the world do reckless things with ought thinking when there single.

Some of these statements are bordering judgemental statements and conclusions. It appears that your conclusion of his past is that he was reckless, and not only that, but you have lumped everyone who does a particular activity as reckless.

How would you feel if you were judged for your past?

Do you want acceptance and to be loved? If so, what entitles your judgement of others?

Is he behaving this way now? If yes, certainly make your judgements and determine if those are ground rules that are deal breakers. If they are deal breakers, then get out and move on. If no, then accept the situation or change it. Work on yourself and your own insecurities. Decide for yourself if you are strong enough to be with a partner with a past. (BTW, everyone has a past.)