Getting back together...

[uk_girl]

Hey guys,

Not been on here a while simply because I've been finding it tough (yet awesome!) to see everyone so happy and loved up (is that selfish?!)

For those who may not know the story...my ex and I broke up at the start of Feb. Since then we've been in regular contact, texting daily.

In June/July time, I started dating another guy as I figured me and the ex were over, as he'd made no sounds about sorting things out. Fair play right?

One day in August my ex then was asking me questions about my love life, so I told him the truth that I had been on a few dates and that yes, I had been intimate with the guy.

He then kicked off saying that I had cheated on him?! And that he hadn't been with anyone else out of respect for me. He claims that he'd been thinking about getting back together over the last few months (I didn't know that)

So I went up to see him (200 mile drive in a day) and we chatted. He's still considering getting back together and to be honest with you, I would probably give it one last shot. We agreed to not see anyone else while we both took it easy and played it cool.

The issue is that he doesn't trust me anymore... Because I was with another guy during our break, he doesn't know if he can trust me to not do it again? I've tried reassuring him and keeping him fully involved with my life everyday but he's still not ready to commit.

The more I try to get closer to him, the more he tells me I am nagging him and pressuring him, doing myself no favours.

He's been away this weekend and we are both off work tomorrow. So I've said that I'll go up to see him tomorrow just to hang out as we've argued a little bit this week and would like to patch things up and start over. However, as I've texted him a bit today he is now ignoring my texts. Over the weekend I kept mentioning me going up tomorrow for the day and he hasn't acknowledged it at all. So what do I do?

If I text him now he might get mad as maybe I appear smothering?! But if I don't somehow contact him then how am I supposed to know if he will meet me tomorrow?!

Argh.

Any advice very much welcomed and appreciated!!

[maielle]

If you two were having a break, I don't think he has any right not to trust you. I mean, in my opinion that's not cheating if you're not together!

His behavior with the texts and so on sounds strange. He wants to be together, yet behaves strange. Are you sure you're telling all the important details? Could it be that you two need to agree on means of communication and fix the issues you have and agree to start from the beginning?

It might be that either one of you or both are using wrong kind of communication, without even knowing it. E.g. not taking other one seriously, not listening, rolling eyes when arguing, using phrases like "you always..." etc.. Seems with the trust issue and texting issue and the nagging issue that the problem lies in communication. Could you maybe buy/borrow a book about communication and see what kind of mistakes you and him do when communicating?

Could you just call him and ask if he wants to see you tomorrow? Good luck!

[annamorgan]

There's a difference between a break and a breakUP. Which of the two were/are you experiencing?

[Tanja]

First of all: WELCOME BACK! Great to see you again

Secondly: Wow! I didn't think you guys could work things out to be honest - sorry for not believing :S

But it's truly awesome that you're trying one more time, I know you really cared for this guy even when you were on a break

And to my advice: he can't blame you for dating someone since it was him (if I recall?) who initiated the break in the first place... but if he feels like you've cheated on him it's going to be extremely hard winning his trust back I'm afraid. Even though you didn't really do anything wrong since he didn't let you know you were on a break but still not allowed to see other people - men lol.

I don't really know what I'd do about going to see him if I was you... not responding to any of your texts isn't a good thing :/

Maybe try to call him? Or email/text him again and tell him if he doesn't reply you're not going over cause you can't be sure if he'll be there? I think that's what I'd do.

Let us know how it goes! And once again, I'm glad you're back

[uk_girl]

He just replied and I am going up tomorrow.

I know what you mean about communication totally and it's something I've brought up with him on a regular basis.

He moans that I nag at him which to be fair, I probably do a little bit due to insecurities...but then again if he didn't ignore me from time to time and answered questions then I wouldn't need to. But he doesn't seem to get that.

And if I text him let's say twice without reply, then he gets really moody and angry about it. But if he texts me and I don't reply for 20 minutes or something, then he'll text again something really sarcastic such as "Fine you're obviously busy have fun". And I don't kick off about that?! So it's basically one rule for him and a completely different one for me!

The other week I went shopping after work to a mall closeby and the battery on my phone died at around 6.30pm. I got home around 7:15pm and charged my phone up at around 7:30. He'd texted me at 6:45 something about soccer...then at 7:10 he had text me saying "I hope you enjoy your evening with (name of guy I dated). You're so obviously with him". Obviously I got neither until 7:30 so he thought I had been with him and was ignoring him when I had been shopping for some sandals and a jacket!!!

The same guy that got really moody that I went to Dublin in June and didn't tell him (didn't think it was any of his business and he never showed an interest in my life)

Do you think he has insecurity issues as well as myself?
How on earth am I supposed to alleviate his fears when he won't commit?

[uk_girl]

There's a difference between a break and a breakUP. Which of the two were/are you experiencing?

Well I was under the impression it was a break-up.

As in we didn't see each other for 3 months, we were both classed as single and he kept texting me when we were arguing saying "no wonder you're single"

So that to me meant I was single/not in a relationship and that we had fully broken up!!!

[Tanja]

Hmm well I guess my advice is a bit too late now!

His behaviour does seem odd though - he clearly wants to date you but is at the same time sure you'll be fooling around with this other guy. It's tricky I'd say lol. It's almost as if he doesn't want to commit to you but doesn't want you to be with anyone else either! Those trust issues of him could take a loooong time to heal... Has he been cheated on in the past?

the way he treats you though it's not acceptable IMO

[uk_girl]

First of all: WELCOME BACK! Great to see you again

Secondly: Wow! I didn't think you guys could work things out to be honest - sorry for not believing :S

But it's truly awesome that you're trying one more time, I know you really cared for this guy even when you were on a break

And to my advice: he can't blame you for dating someone since it was him (if I recall?) who initiated the break in the first place... but if he feels like you've cheated on him it's going to be extremely hard winning his trust back I'm afraid. Even though you didn't really do anything wrong since he didn't let you know you were on a break but still not allowed to see other people - men lol.

I don't really know what I'd do about going to see him if I was you... not responding to any of your texts isn't a good thing :/

Maybe try to call him? Or email/text him again and tell him if he doesn't reply you're not going over cause you can't be sure if he'll be there? I think that's what I'd do.

Let us know how it goes! And once again, I'm glad you're back

Hey thanks Tanja - good to be back and see the place thriving!

Well I'm defo going up tomorrow now which is a start.

We're not officially together yet but he said when I went up that he still cared a lot for me, missed me but it would take time.

He was the one that initiated the split you are right. I did say to him that I didn't think he cared that's why I went on dates with this one guy, he understood where I was coming from as he never made the effort to speak first or ask how I was and whatnot.

A lot will have to change if we do get it back together again. I think I'd be looking to move upto his end of the country by this time next year for a start...

[annamorgan]

Well I was under the impression it was a break-up.

As in we didn't see each other for 3 months, we were both classed as single and he kept texting me when we were arguing saying "no wonder you're single"

So that to me meant I was single/not in a relationship and that we had fully broken up!!!

He clearly called you single and made it clear that this was a breakup, so going and seeing another guy he can't really blame you for. I think he's just hurt that you moved on quickly (which most likely means he still wants to be with you), I can understand that, but he can't accuse you of cheating. He also seems very moody, a lot like my SO. Try not to react negatively to his sarcasm and stuff, that will only trigger more.

[uk_girl]

Hmm well I guess my advice is a bit too late now!

His behaviour does seem odd though - he clearly wants to date you but is at the same time sure you'll be fooling around with this other guy. It's tricky I'd say lol. It's almost as if he doesn't want to commit to you but doesn't want you to be with anyone else either! Those trust issues of him could take a loooong time to heal... Has he been cheated on in the past?

the way he treats you though it's not acceptable IMO

People have said that it could be a case of he doesn't want me...but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. But he's assured me he isn't leading me on or playing any games. I was really paranoid of that and asked him for reassurance a few times...Thursday midnight he rang me really upset and angry that I'd asked him if he was leading me on or not, he was really shouting which wasn't very nice. I don't think he will play games with my head but then again I'm quite an insecure person so wouldn't rule it out

Yes he's been cheated on in the past and keeps comparing me to his ex that did. Though they were officially together when she had the affair. She really messed his head up too...quite literally as her 'bit on the side' attacked him with an iron bar to an inch of his life.

I can't get through to him that I would NEVER do anything to hurt him. I love him to absolute death and the thought of me upsetting him just makes me sick. I'm the most loved-up, soppy, pathetic mess when I have a boyfriend. Never would I jeopardise that ever!!!!!!!

[uk_girl]

He clearly called you single and made it clear that this was a breakup, so going and seeing another guy he can't really blame you for. I think he's just hurt that you moved on quickly (which most likely means he still wants to be with you), I can understand that, but he can't accuse you of cheating. He also seems very moody, a lot like my SO. Try not to react negatively to his sarcasm and stuff, that will only trigger more.

Thanks Anna that's exactly what I thought as he kept referring to me as single!

If he'd have been out on dates with others etc, yes I would have been a little upset (naturally) but no way would I have stopped him or accused him of cheating on me! I actually encouraged him to get out there and meet someone who could make him happy because that is all I want.

Yes he is ridiculously moody!!!! He's 33 years old would you believe it too lol (I am 21)

[annamorgan]

Thanks Anna that's exactly what I thought as he kept referring to me as single!

If he'd have been out on dates with others etc, yes I would have been a little upset (naturally) but no way would I have stopped him or accused him of cheating on me! I actually encouraged him to get out there and meet someone who could make him happy because that is all I want.

Yes he is ridiculously moody!!!! He's 33 years old would you believe it too lol (I am 21)

I think you should just sit down with him and tell him you want him to be happy and ask him how he will be happy (aka with you or without you), and just take things from there, you know?

[Tanja]

Since it's HIM who has the issues there's not much you can do about it... Even if you did let him know where you are, with who and doing what at all times he'd still be suspicious cause he's been betrayed in his past relationship...

Have you suggested he talked to someone about all this? Like a therapist who could help him deal with his emotions instead of him getting so moody at you over the littlest things? Someone neutral, an outsider to his life could be exactly what he needs.

Your relationship has always been swinging from side to side from what I've understood from your posts and it must be very straining, I don't think I could deal with that kind of behaviour tbh so kudos on you for being so determined to be with him and making this work!

[uk_girl]

I think you should just sit down with him and tell him you want him to be happy and ask him how he will be happy (aka with you or without you), and just take things from there, you know?

I think you might have a point there. If the weather is nice tomorrow then I'm thinking about going to a nice park and making up a picnic etc so maybe we could talk there with no disturbances like we'd have in a coffee shop or a bar.

Since it's HIM who has the issues there's not much you can do about it... Even if you did let him know where you are, with who and doing what at all times he'd still be suspicious cause he's been betrayed in his past relationship...

Have you suggested he talked to someone about all this? Like a therapist who could help him deal with his emotions instead of him getting so moody at you over the littlest things? Someone neutral, an outsider to his life could be exactly what he needs.

Your relationship has always been swinging from side to side from what I've understood from your posts and it must be very straining, I don't think I could deal with that kind of behaviour tbh so kudos on you for being so determined to be with him and making this work!

Haha yes he is a very tough nut to crack but then again I am quite an insecure girl myself who needs reassuring from time to time. He just doesn't do that at all. He also doesn't understand that if I was to hear him say nice things to me (he complimented me the last time I went up, for the first time in over 2 years....) then I wouldn't need reassuring because I would know!!!

Definitely going to have a little chat with him tomorrow. Also keep bugging him to take me to see Going The Distance now it has just come out in the UK. Don't know the ending but hopefully it will make him think that we CAN be together and we CAN work if we both try our best!

[artfuldodger]

i rarely post on here, but i thought i should say something.
your guy seems clueless, who suggested the break in the first place?
i assume no one said "no dating during the break" and whatnot, so why is he complaining?
mayb its not entirely trust issues, mayb its just him being jealous. before you jump into being with him with both feet, make sure you guys don't have stuff like this lurking about.

good luck to you both