Fighting My Past

[redv]

Hi everyone,
[This may be a long read]
This is my first time doing this, so I am a little unsure with how it works but basically, I would love some advice and help. I need it…

My story: I have had a rough past, and have had depression in the past but I was able to beat it. Due to issues from my past, it meant I have trouble with relationships and I run the moment I start to feel love for that person or if they truly show their love for me. At one point in my past relationship, I ended it because the thoughts wouldn’t stop and it ended up being a huge regret, but I didn’t know at the time that this was down to my illness. We got back together but it didn’t last, even if it went for another few years. I am now with someone whom I have never felt this for anyone before. I truly love this person, and he loves me. Unfortunately, due to the career I want to go into, it means that I am subjected to moving. He lives down south, and for my first job it meant commuting to him for about 3 hours (due to ferries). We ended up making this work so well and it went on for 8 months. I now have an amazing opportunity that’s for the career path I want to work in, however it means 4 hour commute. Surely if I can do the previous one, I can do this, especially if I plan to stay here for only another 4 months. My SO wants me to do this also, and he even said that once he finishes what he needs to do, he can move with me or I move back down if I want to do that. Sounds perfect right?

Only issue is… after I made this move for the second job… my anxiety just hit me like a high speed train. I panicked. ‘Will I lose him?’ ‘Will he stay?’, ‘What if he finds someone better?’, ‘What if he gets fed up?’. This then spiralled to ‘You don’t deserve him.’ ‘You’re better off alone’. ‘You don’t love him’. And now it’s a constant ‘break up with him’, ‘break up with him’, ‘break up with him’. This is down to depression kicking in again. I feel this comfortable dark pit inside and it makes me want to stay there. It makes me want to reject the love he gives me as I feel I just do not deserve it.
It's also getting to the point where it’s comfortable thinking about running away, but when it gets bad I fight it with all my might.

It’s only when it’s subtle and when I am actually ok that it starts making me freak out. Does this go? I seriously hope it does.
Also, with this job, I also don’t want to be here. Originally it’s because I want to spend my life with my SO, but I moved so I can get my independence so we can be secure with each other and he is so incredibly supportive of that. I also moved to get this experience so I can move down and get the job that I really do want. It’s just, I don’t feel *anything*. Nothing for friends, I want to stay inside, I want to sleep (yet I cannot sleep whatsoever), nothing for this job, just… nothing. Fighting for my relationship with my SO is the one thing that is keeping me alive and positive (for the moments that I feel it), but it makes me want to stay comfortable and alone forever.

I know that if I do anything to lose this, it will be the biggest regret of my life and it will happen again and again and again.
I also panic, easily, but I just want to fight this once and for all. I know this is distance temporary which helps but I have had this before with normal (non LDR) relationships. Only difference is, this one, is one I want to fight for. I want to feel what I felt before this panic and just go back to how we were.

My past means that I want to run from something that truly makes me happy, and I’m sick of it. This happens to everything but is latching onto the one thing that I want to fight for. I do not want to ‘give up’ this time round. I put that in speech marks as that’s what my thoughts want me to do all the time but I don’t want to do it now.
Sorry for this read…
Could I have some advice? From anyone? Will this end? Has anyone had this? Could anyone offer any kind of advice?

Thanks,
From someone who wants to get out of this darkness once and for all

[yuunai]

Hi!

I think that's a big step that you decided and you know it that you want to fight for this relationship. It makes it easier somewhat, you truly love him. I'm sure he's helping you all through this as well. Don't listen to all the "break up with him" panic stuff. Do you have any reason to think that he will find someone better or that you will lose him? No, right?
How long do you have to stay where you are working now? Can't it be a possibility that he find a job closer? I don't know how it works there.
Don't let all the darkness/dark thoughts bring you down, I've never experienced anything like that, but I had a little break down last October before visiting my SO. I was so scared I'm gonna give up but all these thoughts ; "what if it won't work out? What if I won't be able to bear the distance? What if something will happen?" came from one thing: that I missed him like mad. This went on for like a week or more. I was crying pretty much every day, I didn't want to go back to the flat I'm renting because I felt alone there. I tend to overthink, it was a problem back then as well. Just have faith in yourself, in him and in the relationship and that it can work out!

I also started a journal at the beginning of our relationship and I'm writing down everything there that's in my mind, it helps a lot. Also, I'm telling him everything. Everything. What is on my mind or is bothering me he knows because I don't want to keep anything from him and so far this tactic is working great! Don't be scared to tell him how you feel about everything

I don't know if I was any help, I hope yes!

[redv]

That does, thank you.
I do love him. Even if it's clouded at the moment, the true feelings are there, and it's a first.
The dark thoughts are tempting as they are comforting. Thing is, because of my past, this has almost become natural to me. I am a natural worrier so by not worrying, I feel lost almost. I want to find myself again though by beating this thing properly.
I cried almost every day for the first month because of the anxiety, so I completely get what you mean with that. Now it's just depression Not against him, just about everything. He is keeping me sane funny enough, and gives me hope.
I also over think and will try to calm that.

I will also try journalling. I usually do it, but only document negative thoughts to try and understand why I think what I think. I will try positive documentation also.

How long did it take for you to overcome it?

[yuunai]

Try and think of positive things as comforting instead, try to think a little bit differently every day. And remember one important thing, take one day at a time!

That one time for me happened after our 6 months anniversary, he sent a really long sweet message and I was so happy, then I got sad because I wanted to be with him. Then negative thoughts started to flood my head, ones I mentioned above (again: I told him everything, he helped me a lot, saying supporting things). The problem started when I began overthinking. I missed him like mad, I wanted comfort in his arms so all these thoughts could fly away, I was crying a lot, I talked with my best friend about it, she helped me as well. Then I talked with my mum, told her that I'm scared that I will give up, I don't want to lose him so these thoughts are scary etc etc, and she explained it with one thing: Ah daughter, you are in love, that's why you feel like this. Hell I knew I was in love and that we love each other like mad but this explanation was so simple my brain didn't want to accept it. I wrote in my journal pretty much every day, and thinking back it really was just overthinking like mad which was triggered by me missing him.. It took me around 1-1.5 weeks to overcome these negative thoughts, but I got help from people, in real life and online as well I was even considering asking for a few days break, like, not talking cuz I wanna sort out my thoughts and head a bit, because I felt like thoughts were rushing back and forth and I got really tired of it. In the end I didn't, and I'm really glad I decided that way. (I told about this as well, he got so scared and sad, I just couldn't do it and honestly I didn't even want to deep down, I just needed time to sort my thoughts.)

Worrying is not good for your health girl! Try to stop that. What is there to worry about? That you will lose him? Why would you? He's supporting you, he loves you, you love him, live in the present, don't worry about something that won't even happen maybe!

[Cup]

Hello redv!!

Yes i totally can relate. This was me too a week ago.
You have already understood that this is your anxiety. Since you have been through this before and got rid of it, it will be much easier this time and if it occurs again, it will be even more easier and faster of course. Since you are suffering from anxiety, you must understand how it works. Read up! You are a forum person, so find a forum about anxiety and you'll find a lot more people that can relate and may have good information for you too. If you can, go to a psychologist but make sure you like him/her. Just being a psychologist doesn't mean they are the best for you.

Because this is anxiety, you should take care of the stress your body is under. From what i have understood, anxiety is the way stress expresses itself if left untreated. So start running, take up a sport, go to the gym. Slow down on the caffeine and see if that helps. Ask your doctor of supplements you can take (always ask a doctor, specially if you are on other drugs. Practice mindfulness. I read a book about mindfulness by Gill Hasson that really helped me. I just started another book by Rene Brown that speaks of vulnerability , you should google her and check some of her videos, really insightful! I will let you know if the book is also good.

First help reduce the physical side of it (stress), the anxiety will start decreasing as well. You need to boost your positive thoughts. Challenge yourself. See if you can find one positive thought for each negative. Than go for 2 and so on... Train your mind to always go for the positive. Here is a tricky piece of advice that people always told me and i understood this last phase of anxiety i had a week ago. When the feeling of anxiety comes, don't fight it! Sit there and let the feeling go from your chest straight up to your head and away! (that's the path mine took at least) That weird tangling feeling. Resist engaging with it, it will ask from you to think negative. Don't. Stop the feeling at that point and imagine it traveling through your body and away. Then proceed with positive thoughts. Breathing exercises can also help at this point. Read up on meditation, concentrate on your breathing. Sometimes we do not realize how connected our bodies are to our minds. Anxiety and stress are here to show us how strong the bond is.

You've already read my response to Elykyle, those still stand also!
I really hope you feel better!! Feel free to post here or even to pm me if you need help or just a rant!!

Take care and keep us posted!!

[Elykyle]

I know exactly how you feel you've read my thread. Anxiety is a CONSTANT struggle for me Iam not going to lie it's very difficult it's very hard and it's a battle but, you cannot give up. DONT give up you cannot let this start to take over and control you and your life. Battling the past isn't easy especially when your mind makes you over think and doubt the present but you have to remind yourself you are not the past and this is not the past! Also talking about it I find helps a great deal I talk about it with my boyfriend he's very understanding and it's a great feeling knowing you have someone who is wanting to listen and help you get better give it a try also if you find anything that helps with anxiety any tips tricks let me know as well I know these negative thoughts hurt but trust me you're not alone just remind yourself it's just the anxiety

[redv]

Try and think of positive things as comforting instead, try to think a little bit differently every day. And remember one important thing, take one day at a time!

That one time for me happened after our 6 months anniversary, he sent a really long sweet message and I was so happy, then I got sad because I wanted to be with him. Then negative thoughts started to flood my head, ones I mentioned above (again: I told him everything, he helped me a lot, saying supporting things). The problem started when I began overthinking. I missed him like mad, I wanted comfort in his arms so all these thoughts could fly away, I was crying a lot, I talked with my best friend about it, she helped me as well. Then I talked with my mum, told her that I'm scared that I will give up, I don't want to lose him so these thoughts are scary etc etc, and she explained it with one thing: Ah daughter, you are in love, that's why you feel like this. Hell I knew I was in love and that we love each other like mad but this explanation was so simple my brain didn't want to accept it. I wrote in my journal pretty much every day, and thinking back it really was just overthinking like mad which was triggered by me missing him.. It took me around 1-1.5 weeks to overcome these negative thoughts, but I got help from people, in real life and online as well I was even considering asking for a few days break, like, not talking cuz I wanna sort out my thoughts and head a bit, because I felt like thoughts were rushing back and forth and I got really tired of it. In the end I didn't, and I'm really glad I decided that way. (I told about this as well, he got so scared and sad, I just couldn't do it and honestly I didn't even want to deep down, I just needed time to sort my thoughts.)

Worrying is not good for your health girl! Try to stop that. What is there to worry about? That you will lose him? Why would you? He's supporting you, he loves you, you love him, live in the present, don't worry about something that won't even happen maybe!

Hi,

I am currently trying to take one day at a time I am also starting to see a therapist to work through this, especially as this has happened before.
I don't think I could ever ask for a break from my SO, but I completely see why it would be tempting to do that. I have thought about it (as you do with thoughts), but just fighting through it.

I am trying not to worry. Another thing I do is over analyse, so when I do get a thought/worry, I question myself. Why am I thinking this? What does this mean?? I also try and relate absolutely everything everyone else does to me which also doesn't help, all the more reason I need to find myself.

I am starting to make some kind of progress, I think. When I talk to him or see him, my mind clears and calms. When I am alone I start to think positively but I can feel that pit of depression in there trying to yank it out. This way I know it's anxiety/depression and I will be better once I get rid of it.

I worry if the thoughts will still be there once this goes, but I know how I feel so it shouldn't. He wasn't what triggered this, and I have had this so many times before so if I don't end this depressive cycle now, it will never end and keep happening in the future.

[redv]

Hello redv!!

Yes i totally can relate. This was me too a week ago.
You have already understood that this is your anxiety. Since you have been through this before and got rid of it, it will be much easier this time and if it occurs again, it will be even more easier and faster of course. Since you are suffering from anxiety, you must understand how it works. Read up! You are a forum person, so find a forum about anxiety and you'll find a lot more people that can relate and may have good information for you too. If you can, go to a psychologist but make sure you like him/her. Just being a psychologist doesn't mean they are the best for you.

Because this is anxiety, you should take care of the stress your body is under. From what i have understood, anxiety is the way stress expresses itself if left untreated. So start running, take up a sport, go to the gym. Slow down on the caffeine and see if that helps. Ask your doctor of supplements you can take (always ask a doctor, specially if you are on other drugs. Practice mindfulness. I read a book about mindfulness by Gill Hasson that really helped me. I just started another book by Rene Brown that speaks of vulnerability , you should google her and check some of her videos, really insightful! I will let you know if the book is also good.

First help reduce the physical side of it (stress), the anxiety will start decreasing as well. You need to boost your positive thoughts. Challenge yourself. See if you can find one positive thought for each negative. Than go for 2 and so on... Train your mind to always go for the positive. Here is a tricky piece of advice that people always told me and i understood this last phase of anxiety i had a week ago. When the feeling of anxiety comes, don't fight it! Sit there and let the feeling go from your chest straight up to your head and away! (that's the path mine took at least) That weird tangling feeling. Resist engaging with it, it will ask from you to think negative. Don't. Stop the feeling at that point and imagine it traveling through your body and away. Then proceed with positive thoughts. Breathing exercises can also help at this point. Read up on meditation, concentrate on your breathing. Sometimes we do not realize how connected our bodies are to our minds. Anxiety and stress are here to show us how strong the bond is.

You've already read my response to Elykyle, those still stand also!
I really hope you feel better!! Feel free to post here or even to pm me if you need help or just a rant!!

Take care and keep us posted!!

Thank you,

I will try all of this.

I did try going to the gym this week actually. I didn't really feel anything while I was doing it, but long term I can start to feel it (which helps reassure me that this is depression/anxiety).
I tend to get in a loop. I come out of depression, then anxiety kicks in. That goes, then depression kicks in after, so I am just no longer fighting them, but letting them pass.

I will go to the gym more. I did use to run and it helped so much when my family member died, so I will try this again.

I will also have a look at your reading materials too and practice mindfulness. I tend to get bored and impatient but I need to stick it out.

If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for you to over come this? Especially in an LDR?

[redv]

Thank you!! I am trying my hardest.

It's just so tempting to stay in that rut, but it means you just feel hollow and empty, yet panicky and scared. I don't want to live that life any more!
I have been talking to him about it, but I don't want to tell him what every thought is as that will just scare him away, so I just tell him that I am going through this. He really is amazing though, making me smile when he can.

How are you finding your LDR?

I did try one book that I feel helped with the anxiety side of things, and that's; Claire Weekes - Self help for your nerves

[Cup]

Hey redv!
I am glad you went to the gym!
We all get impatient . I said " i want to get over with this in a month", which added even more stress. I stressed about the stress, you know the feeling.
It's really hard to tell how long it took to get over it cause i can not pin point the time it started. I'd say maybe 3-4 months since it started to really show (even had increased dandruff, always look out for your body's signs). The stress was there maybe for a year.
Also, it's hard to tell cause of the thoughts. The paranoid thoughts are easy, you know it's anxiety's creation, the other thoughts?Well people have doubts, its ok to think once in a while "is this going to last?" the important part is how you react at the thought. When you are anxious, you go paranoid;when not, you're cool.

Also, i was stressed a lot due to unemployment. I did not realize how much that took a toll on me until i found a job. So stress was created from that, it got built up, i took it all out on my relationship without even thinking about how unemployment affected me. Cause when i got into the paranoid thought road, i went running through. The other important issue here is to find out what deep issues you really have (we all do). For me, i am afraid that my partner will cheat on me. I have an issue on cheating cause honestly i do know more men who cheats/cheated on they're wives than were faithful. I was practically raised to think that men are cheaters. This is so hard for me to get over, i am actively searching for men who do not cheat. This is my problem though, not my partner's. I did overcome anxiety almost 2 weeks ago, but i still have these issues. Trust issues and insecurities and maybe more, but im working on it.

I am finding the book by Brene Brown Interesting. It is a bit hard to read ( i prefer her as a speaker, she rocks!) but i think she is on to something. I am trying to get my mind around it. She says that (haven't finished it yet though) shame is the root of a lot of problems; shame and our inability to accept it. We have been taught that shame is bad, it has been used as a punishment to most of us. This is what stops us from being able to be vulnerable. Being ok with being vulnerable helps with almost everything if you think of it. For example, why am i afraid of being cheated on? It may sound funny, but the thing that scares me of being cheated on is the shame i will feel that everyone knows except me. If he cheats on me and i find out, i'll break up with him, i'll be sad for a bit, i'll get over it. If he cheats and i never find out, i will be ashamed. People will make fun of me, think less of me, think that i am stupid etc. Even if i know that it's not my fault, i truly deeply know that, the thought of that shame terrifies me! So i need to learn to accept feeling like that, it's ok to feel ashamed. At least, that's what i am getting up till now from the book. I think the next chapter is about shame resilience , so i think i will start getting some practical help.

So maybe try to find out your root problem, why do you feel insecure about him leaving you? I have this fear a bit too. With a little search i read about "an absent father" and how much it can affect our adult lives. Absent, doesn't mean he is not there physically, he can be there yet not be there. Mine was not there physically but was there for me mentally. Either way it does take a toll on you. Although i find it quite sexist, they say that you get your role models from your father, you learn the way men love etc. I don't agree with the gender, but i can relate to not having a loving parent near you to show you this stuff. I had my mother, but she didn't do a very good job on the cheating part. "YOUR FATHER IS SURELY CHEATING ON ME" and "MEN JUST WANT SEX" etc etc. So look up on that and maybe you can relate, maybe not. It can be just a start!


I have to say, after reading about how you and Elykyle talk to your partners about it, be careful! I have been in their shoes too, my ex suffered from anxiety. What i did was enable him. I really cared about him and with my past of anxiety i really understood him too! So i showed empathy, lots of it. This made him comfortable, he didn't seek help even though he promised he would (his case was severe, he also had anger issues) .
I am not saying don't talk to them , although i do recommend not telling them about the "are you gonna leave me?" and "do you love me" fears. Getting affirmation constantly will only drag out your anxiety.
Always remember, your partner is not your therapist. It's good for him to know that you are going through a phase, but i do not think he needs to know all the details.

I really hope you feel better soon, but even if you don't you are on the right way!!

[redv]

I am slowly getting more and more ok with the thoughts and being reassured, not by him but by myself.
It helps to know this is temporary, and even so, we are able to get through it regardless. It's just my permanent state of anxiety, but I had therapy yesterday and found out why I am so afraid.
When I previously moved to IOW, my dad passed immediately and so I had to go through that. I then move here and I get terrified of losing the one thing I love and so it manifests and burst into this huge horrible thing.

The doubts I know are from anxiety and depression as they suck the hope I have, but I *hope* it's getting lighter every day.

Also, with deep issues, mine are from my past. It helps to know that and so I want to let my SO in completely. Because of my past, I want to push everyone away, including those that want to love me. That's what I want to stop.

Thank you for the book, I will look into that.

Also, your comment here:
'So maybe try to find out your root problem, why do you feel insecure about him leaving you? I have this fear a bit too. With a little search i read about "an absent father" and how much it can affect our adult lives. Absent, doesn't mean he is not there physically, he can be there yet not be there. Mine was not there physically but was there for me mentally. Either way it does take a toll on you. Although i find it quite sexist, they say that you get your role models from your father, you learn the way men love etc. I don't agree with the gender, but i can relate to not having a loving parent near you to show you this stuff. I had my mother, but she didn't do a very good job on the cheating part. "YOUR FATHER IS SURELY CHEATING ON ME" and "MEN JUST WANT SEX" etc etc. So look up on that and maybe you can relate, maybe not. It can be just a start!'

This is me. Not so much with cheating, but being absent mentally. So this helps to clarify a lot of things.

Also, don't worry, I don't want to tell my partner everything. Just that I am going through the motions and it does clear up every now and again. I do get more moments where the anxiety and worries clear up, and show what I truly want. This keeps me going. It's just the moment it happens, my depression sucks it out, but I am working on that.

I hope I feel better too. I want to remove these thoughts, doubt and fear, then I absolutely know I can do it.