Somewhat rhetorical question about trust

[Cup]

Hello! Well the other day we had an argument with my partner cause he didn't text or call after a night out for a whole day (we usually text throughout the day) . Phone died. I believed his story cause in general he is consistent.

In the process of trying to figure out my feelings, I was thinking about what trust means. I thought that for him not to call makes me lose trust in him. But isn't trust supposed to work when there is no such affirmation?

I'm asking this cause I don't know what to ask from him. I do not like to be put in this position again (I thought he could be in a hospital) but on the other hand I do not want to force him to always notify me of his whereabouts (which he usually always did without me asking for it).

So I want to say I trust him, but is it trust if it needs check ins?

[snow_girl]

He didn't message you once and thats all it took for you to question whether you trust him or not? Trust is having faith in someone.

[Cup]

He didn't message you once and that's all it took for you to question whether you trust him or not?

Not exactly. I did have some negative thoughts till a bit after noon, but my real worries that something might have happened to him started late afternoon. Just to check to see if i am that paranoid, are you saying that if your SO went out in the afternoon of one day, didn't even turn on his phone for the rest of the day and more than half of the other you wouldn't be concerned?

I do have trust issues, i can't deny that. I was in a relationship with a sociopath of whom i was jealous of all the time apparently cause he was cheating on me the whole time. Then i got into a relationship after a lot of soul searching, i had total faith in him, he cheated on me in the first 6 months. I forgave him, continued to have faith in him, cause we're people, we make mistakes etc.. Broke up and saw that he probably had had cheated on me again after that. So, unfortunately my radar is a bit confused. That's why i am asking these questions. My now partner seems trustworthy. He is really consistent and i do not want to mess it up. Isn't trust something you gain after a while? In the beginning of this relationship i was extremely cautious, checking to see if he is a person of his word etc. At some point i realized he is. Even the other day i knew that he wasn't up to something, i knew he would have a story to why he "disappeared". I hope it is just a matter of time to finally settle my faith in him.

So in other words you say that trust is about having faith without the check ins?

Thank you for your reply! It hit a spot! Really helpful!

[snow_girl]

Isn't trust something you gain after a while?

No, its something I think people have right away. They've given you no reason not to trust them, so until they do then trust him. If my SO required me to check in all the time I wouldn't be okay with that. Checking in with someone like that is more like a probation officer than a significant other. You need to believe that just because you don't hear from them one time that everything is okay. If something happned to him maybe you can ask him to give your contact details to a family member so that if something happens you don't have to sit around wondering

[Cup]

Yeah that's how i usually was. I started off with complete trust. Then i saw that trust is something to be gained. The only downside of this way is that you need to find out when your SO gained your trust and you are ready to relax now. I feel so good when i think that i have total faith in him, so i guess that's the "click" i was looking for. When i was with the sociopath , even a hint of thinking of having faith in him never felt right.
Also, i was thinking after your post, that i am tired of assuming negative stuff, so i think it's time to relax and enjoy what we've built.

I have never asked him to check in, by the way, and i feel really bad even thinking of asking him to do so. You can't make another person feel things or do things. I want him to be with me as he feels comfortable. Cause a friend of mine said that i have to tell him to text and im like, no way.

I will just consider this as a swan's song of my negative thoughts. I think i am truly ready to trust him.

Thank you so much Snow_girl! And the idea of giving my contact details to a friend of his is really good. That made me worry , the fact that i have no other way to reach him.

[Elizabeth123]

Communication has to happen for a LDR to survive. But trust is also needed. My SO knows I trust him....he also knows that I appreciate him telling me when he gets home because it makes me feel more a part of his life. He trusts me the same way. We say goodnight and sometimes fall asleep together on Skype.
Talk with him and discuss what you both need to feel connected during periods of "away" time.

[Ejoriah]

He was out and his phone died... I'm sure something like this has happened to all of us. I tend to get really worried when I don't hear from my SO in a while, but in the 2+ years we've been together and I've been worrying, there was only one time when something bad happened, and he messaged me as soon as he could. I think it's normal to get worried when you don't hear from your SO once in a while (if communication is generally good) but mishaps do happen and I don't think there's anything you can ask from him. The way I see it, you can get frustrated and worried if you don't hear from them once in a while (again - given that communication is generally good and the lack of communication is an anomaly) but if you trust them, you know that they will get in touch as soon as they can and that there is probably a good reason for the silence.

[differentcountries]

This is a rather practical problem; phones dying. Is this frequently happening? Are there others ways for you to contact each other?

SO and I both have computers in addition to phones, so if something happens to the phone we will go into Facebook and simply write "Phone died on me, will tell you when I have it charged". SO worried very much once when he could not get hold of me. I think I had lost or broken my phone charger and I had to go out and buy a new one before I could start charging. Things happen. Have a backup plan.

I used to have sometimes very vivid fantasies that SO had become run over by a car/bus, died, was out somewhere cheating his ass off... The difference was, I did not believe my own fears. Mishaps are always going to happen. I know who to contact if I should not hear from him; I know his family, his workplace, his mates and so on. I would get told or I would feel comfortable to ask. SO always calls my husband if he can't reach me.

[Cup]

Thank you all for your answers!

Talk with him and discuss what you both need to feel connected during periods of "away" time.

I know this is weird and i am struggling to figure it out, but i do not want to tell him to check in with me. I want to be ok with him not contacting me and have trust in him that he will indeed contact me as soon as he can, which he did. I did have faith that he will do so, but it was the first time this happened so i freaked out a bit and went overboard. As i said, trust issues.

This is a rather practical problem; phones dying. Is this frequently happening? Are there others ways for you to contact each other?

SO and I both have computers in addition to phones, so if something happens to the phone we will go into Facebook and simply write "Phone died on me, will tell you when I have it charged". SO worried very much once when he could not get hold of me. I think I had lost or broken my phone charger and I had to go out and buy a new one before I could start charging. Things happen. Have a backup plan.

I used to have sometimes very vivid fantasies that SO had become run over by a car/bus, died, was out somewhere cheating his ass off... The difference was, I did not believe my own fears. Mishaps are always going to happen. I know who to contact if I should not hear from him; I know his family, his workplace, his mates and so on. I would get told or I would feel comfortable to ask. SO always calls my husband if he can't reach me.

His phone isn't really in a good shape lately, that's true. I just got upset cause he didn't charge it almost the whole next day, he said he crashed at a friend's place, yet managed to go out again with another friend. In 2016 i know it is quite easy to find a charger or a computer to send a message from FB. BUT, i honestly do not want to make him text me, i do not want him to feel obliged to text me. He usually does without me asking for it. I want to feel secure with myself and have faith in him and us without having the need to know where he is exactly. I want to try to achieve this.

He was out and his phone died... I'm sure something like this has happened to all of us. I tend to get really worried when I don't hear from my SO in a while, but in the 2+ years we've been together and I've been worrying, there was only one time when something bad happened, and he messaged me as soon as he could. I think it's normal to get worried when you don't hear from your SO once in a while (if communication is generally good) but mishaps do happen and I don't think there's anything you can ask from him. The way I see it, you can get frustrated and worried if you don't hear from them once in a while (again - given that communication is generally good and the lack of communication is an anomaly) but if you trust them, you know that they will get in touch as soon as they can and that there is probably a good reason for the silence.

Thanks for reassuring that i am not going mad. I have this belief that i went full on crazy on him (not even close) and all i did was to tell him i was worried and not be so smiley as usual. I want this to become a lesson for me.


I read an article today that was really interesting : https://www.huffingtonpost.com/maggi...b_8119270.html

I want to achieve that. I am now reading a book that is mentioned in there, will let you guys know if it works.(no affiliate links, i checked! )


No matter what happens with my partner, i really want to get back to my old self. @snow_girl, i think you will like the article, it describes what you said about beginning with trust. I think you're right, i want to get back there. I was fine like that with my ex, even if he did what he did, power from within!!

[QueenD]

While I think exploring what trust means to you in the context of this relationship is a very good idea, I also think you should inspect yourself for other feelings and needs. As another poster said, communication is the lifeblood of an LDR, so it's really important to dig through all your feelings and set some expectations around communications that will fulfill both partner's needs.

I trust my SO a lot - he holds me in high esteem as a person and I can't imagine him cheating on me. All that said, we have some work to do in the communications department and some discussions on how we can grow and strengthen our relationship even when we are apart. Lately I've been pretty uncomfortable with these things because he has been super busy and I am pretty non-confrontational in this type of thing so I have done a poor job raising my concerns. As a result of this, I've felt kind of angsty and closed off lately which is bad. But the most interesting part is that I'm realizing my feelings say way more about me than him. He has treated me pretty consistently the last few weeks, but my feelings have soured a bit - and that is all about how I am perceiving things and also about the fact that I have got to discuss some of my needs and fears with him. Some of these conversations are hard to have when we aren't together, and I will be with him for a week starting Thursday, so hopefully we can use that time to strengthen our bond and also come up with tactics to address my concerns and any concerns he has.

[Cup]

I'm having trouble posting, I honestly hope this isn't the third post I made. Please delete previous ones if so.

Thanks QueenD, I can relate. I had communication issues, maybe he does too.

Update. I think he is pulling away. 4 days since we Skyped, no more Goodnight /good morning msgs, he initiates A Lot less, he is busy, I believe that but still. He preferred going out after work then going back home to talk to me. We didn't have a date exactly, he just said yesterday that we should try tomorrow. I did, he didn't.

Am I still being paranoid?

I am still working on the trust thing cause it's personal, personal growth.

[R&R]

The only way you are going to know for sure is to ask him. "I feel like we are becoming distant over the last ________. I've noticed a change in our communication and I want you to know you can talk to me. If it is due to things outside, like work, you can free to use me as a sounding board. If it has to do with us, it's important that we have an open discussion and you can tell me however you are feeling."

Just be prepared if he says he's feeling unsure about the relationship or anything along those lines, you have to be able to discuss it rationally with him and not get emotional because you have opened the door for him to be able to talk to you.

I find this may be a good read for you:

https://www.esselmancounseling.com/2...d-women-think/

[Cup]

Thank you for your reply, I really hope we're the same story a the link you sent me on the other hand I hate over thinking. I'm trying to see the positive side, the side that says it's normal, he is busy, he is making new friends, but why isn't he sharing all of this with me? I know his time is limited, now he's missing out on our free weekends.

It's so out of character for him. I'm struggling hard not comparing him to my previous relationships. I literally do not know how to feel right now, what to do. I know I feel sad. I did not know I was this immature in a relationship, I was sure I had most of it figured out. Foolish me.

[ChloChlo]

Hey, just because you are feeling sad and confused does not mean you are immature! Those are totally normal emotions. And just because you are not mindlessly happy for every second of a relationship does not mean you are foolish. R & R is right, you need to open up and talk about it with him. It's ok to check in on how everyone is feeling in a relationship - especially an LDR. Often when there is an unknown, we fill it with fearful imaginings and worry, and there are lots of unknowns in LDRs.

[R&R]

I know in all of my relationships, both CD & LD, after time, we didn't communicate as much. When starting in a CD relationship, we would see each other almost every day in the beginning. After awhile, when all that newness wore off and we remember "oh yeah, we have other parts of our lives that we need to attend to", the amount of time we would spend together lessened. We needed to get back to also maintaining friendships and spending time with family or doing our own thing.

Same thing with LD. My current SO and I texted, called, Skyped constantly in the beginning. As things got more comfortable, it lessened. We've been together almost 2 1/2 years this time around - total of almost 3 years. Our last visit was last July. After I came home, I don't think we Skyped until September or October - it was quite awhile. I could have stressed but he was busy and so was I. Even now, some weekends I may only get two or three texts and one call the entire weekend while other weekends he texts and calls a lot and we could Skype 4, 5 or 6 times. We just kind of go with the flow. We know how we feel, we know what we want and we know our ultimate goal of closing the distance.

I will tell you a funny story though. My SO has a tattoo on his upper back that is also the symbol for his business. Without telling him, I got the same tattoo. The day I got the tattoo, he disappeared for almost 3 days. His son had left his van open and his phone, laptop and Ipad were all stolen out of it. (He always has all 3 with him for his business.) He had none of my contact info anywhere else and no way to reach me. I was more worried about "oh crap, I got this tattoo and if he has just randomly bailed, I'm going to find him and beat him" than I was about his well-being LOL. I didn't end up showing him the tattoo for over a month.