Not sure about dating?

[TreadingSoftly]

I'll try to make this as brief as I can. My potential SO and I have been talking for a few months now, almost five months. She knows about my feelings for her (wanting to date her) and she's reciprocated them in the past, yet she's unsure now and so am I. She wouldn't elaborate on why she wasn't sure, and I couldn't tell her about this. The problem is that she has depression and anxiety. There are some good days, but then there are days when she feels sad and suicidal, has panic attacks, or in the worst case scenario, both. Today was one of those really bad days. I guess you could say I feel quite shaken, hearing that someone I care about wants to die. And I know that we haven't known each other for long, yet it doesn't make me feel any less concerned when she says things like this. She was open about her illnesses during the beginning, not off the bat but around the first or second month.
As far as I know of she's been getting help, she goes to therapy and is on medication, currently awaiting another set of meds since the ones she has aren't helping much. I know the road to recovery isn't usually a fast one, but part of me wonders if I can really be there as more than a friend for someone in these conditions. It becomes hard to cope with sometimes, and I get so worried and stressed. I know what I'm feeling is nothing compared to what she must be going through and I hate to sound like I'm whining, but it's hard even now that I know she's okay to keep from stressing out too much. I find myself losing sleep over her and sometimes it's hard to concentrate on academic work. I wouldn't mind being in her support system as a friend, but I'm just not sure if being a significant other would be the right choice. Sometimes I think there'd be someone else who could handle this better. Is there anyone on here who has had those thoughts before? How have you dealt with them, any coping strategies? From what I've written, what do you think I should do?

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Only you can make the decision on whether or not you can handle being with her. It takes a special kind of person to be able to handle other people's stresses on top of their own. Not everyone can do it. There's no shame in admitting that it's too much for you to handle. On the other hand, if you decide you like her enough to take the good with the bad, and that you feel like you can handle her depression and anxiety while maintaining your own mental health, you will learn together how you can best help her.

[Chris516]

I'll try to make this as brief as I can. My potential SO and I have been talking for a few months now, almost five months. She knows about my feelings for her (wanting to date her) and she's reciprocated them in the past, yet she's unsure now and so am I. She wouldn't elaborate on why she wasn't sure, and I couldn't tell her about this. The problem is that she has depression and anxiety. There are some good days, but then there are days when she feels sad and suicidal, has panic attacks, or in the worst case scenario, both. Today was one of those really bad days. I guess you could say I feel quite shaken, hearing that someone I care about wants to die. And I know that we haven't known each other for long, yet it doesn't make me feel any less concerned when she says things like this. She was open about her illnesses during the beginning, not off the bat but around the first or second month.
As far as I know of she's been getting help, she goes to therapy and is on medication, currently awaiting another set of meds since the ones she has aren't helping much. I know the road to recovery isn't usually a fast one, but part of me wonders if I can really be there as more than a friend for someone in these conditions. It becomes hard to cope with sometimes, and I get so worried and stressed. I know what I'm feeling is nothing compared to what she must be going through and I hate to sound like I'm whining, but it's hard even now that I know she's okay to keep from stressing out too much. I find myself losing sleep over her and sometimes it's hard to concentrate on academic work. I wouldn't mind being in her support system as a friend, but I'm just not sure if being a significant other would be the right choice. Sometimes I think there'd be someone else who could handle this better. Is there anyone on here who has had those thoughts before? How have you dealt with them, any coping strategies? From what I've written, what do you think I should do?

I was going to forego responding. But I think I should anyway.

OP, None of us is perfect. But the direction I am going to go with this. Is in defense of her. Not a criticism of you. But because of her mental illness.

I will give you an example of how I responded to my (ex)fiance's threats of suicide. I started counting her medication on a daily basis. To make sure she didn't try to OD in even the smallest way Sometimes she would verbally react bound and determined. To commit suicide. I countered that. By being bound and determined. To keep her from committing suicide. She never did commit suicide. But she almost stuck a metal fork in a plug socket. I caught her in time. Before the fork came in contact with the socket. But when she was about to stick the fork in the light socket. She wasn't being suicidal, but just not thinking. She ended the relationship for reasons that have nothing to do with suicidal behaviors. But while the breakup was heart-breaking for me. I can hold my head high. Knowing that I fought for her life, and managed to keep her alive.

She was Bi-Polar II.

Also, The woman telling you about her mental health up front. Can sort be looked at in two ways.

She could be testing you to see if you will abandon her because of her mental health issues, she trusts you implicitly and wants your help.

She also could be like another (ex)fiance of mine w/ OCD. Who started pushing me away. By less n' less communication except to tell me to find someone better.

A person's inner demons can make no sense, considering what the person has.

Two people I can think of, are Robin Williams Williams, and Mike Flanagan(former star pitcher for the Baltimore Orioles major league baseball team). Robin Williams was Bi-Polar. Mike Flanagan had Depression. I didn't know what 'tipped' Robin Williams to commit suicide. But Mike Flanagan's widow said that had felt inadequate. When Mike Flanagan had been an executive with team. On top of that were financial issues at home. So, Those tipped it for him.

If you are willing to fight for her. Then more power to ya.

If you can't. You are just realizing your limitations.

[sasad]

I agree with MMDL. YOU need to make that decision. You are also 19 years old.. You are so young to try and understand and be responsible for that. I don't mean it in a bad way, but that is a lot of responsibility. That you are asking about being friends and supporting rather then an SO, is giving you your answer. And it is better NOW than later on when you are more involved. WHo knows... that friendship could grow and change into something deeper as time goes on....

[differentcountries]

First, let me say that it is nice that your SO gets help.

Secondly, it is important that she finds coping strategies that does not makes her dependant on you to be around. And also that you find ways to let her be and not think you are supposed to heal her, or that her problems all of a sudden are copied so that you have those problems, too.

This late summer and fall, my SO had a major depressive reaction. It went as far as his family members reacting to his moods. It was hard for him to find any peace of mind. He had worred a lot over money and other things, and a work conflict tipped him over the edge. It was a really scary time for us, he felt "not himself" and he half isolated, to the point that I was dragging him out of the house on visits to see his friends. He ended up sleeping a whole lot. We had a fight that scared both of us, but that led to him opening up to me more. He went to see his family for a while, which was good because he was taken care of financially and he was in a steady environment. I pushed pretty hard for him to change jobs for this season and I hope that things will be better from that. We still have some way to go, but I think the most important thing was that:
1) I found ways to enjoy myself despite him not always being at this best. We cut down on Skyping because it was hard for me to see him like that. We agreed to not Skype unless we both had a good day. On half good day we might have a short phone call. This may be different for everyone, but at least we found that to work for us.
2) I always reminded him that I love him no matter what, without letting him getting away with whatever - I would not let him be rude or vague but I would not "punish" him, just set boundries like "I will have to stop the conversation when you are like this as it makes me very upset, but we will talk again when we have both calmed down". For instance, I would tell him he was beatiful even when he looked sad and upset, or I would tell him I wished to be with him and soothe him. He would say strange things like "The person I was has dissapeared" and I would reply "No, there is still some of you left" or "You may have changed, but I will get to know you like this, too".

I also found things that made me think less of what I could not do so much with, like watching movies, seeing my friends, working out etc. I think it was helpful for him to see that although I cared, I also had a life of my own and drew positive sources from other people than just him - he has often made a point on that he could never date someone who was "dependant" on him, and him turning depressed was good in a way because it proved to him that I am really self sufficient - it turnes out I can handle him being out of shape without loosing my shit or my night sleep. The worst fear of those who feel bad is that they "taint" the people they get close to, and even if that happens somewhat (hard to avoid totally), you become the living proof that they are not "bad" and "destroy" the people they are close to.