"Fighting my past" - An update
So,
I wanted to give an update on this, with some positive notes and some other advice.
First off, I have been seeing a therapist and we have identified an underlying issue, that it's all normal, down to the move and more importantly, I am still grieving over my dad. Don't get me wrong, I still have anxiety and separation issues, but they are getting more manageable. Definitely more than how they were before and it's reassuring to know that it's down to the fact that I simply miss him.
One of the things I wanted to discuss with my SO was the fact that I *may* have to stay longer, but I do not want to. It's a thought that I am somewhat ok with but I am terrified of losing my partner, as it means longer time apart (8*more months).
However, when I told him, he accepted, and if anything he wants me to stay a little longer so I can get my fill of my work experience (I've been here 2 months). He will be there for me right at the end.
Honestly, I am debating whether I want to stay for another 8. My original plan was another 4, but he wants me to do this and has confidence in me. It's whether I have confidence in myself as I do NOT want to lose him, in any way, shape or form.
I panicked last night though because for a moment I thought our interests were out of alignment. I think this might be down to**him being so ok with it and I panicked about that, but we do want to be together at the end of this. He also said that if his current job asked him to move if it would earn him a LOT of money, he would. This made me scared for some reason, which is silly because I moved temporarily for a job. I know I want us to be together at the end, so.. badly.. I don't see how when my first worry was me saying I would stay longer and he would run, but he wants me to stay and he will wait for me.
This is what made my LDR work previously with him though, I saw him actually every 3/4 weeks for 8 months and we made it work. I learned to hang with friend and be ok with myself, as well as trying to enjoy my job. Knowing it was temporary helped.
I also went for a run every other evening, which also helped I suppose.
The main thing that gets me, is fear. I had fear previously but that end goal when we hung out together for a month made me know that he was the one for me. I want this end goal to be permanent.*
Is this fear normal for everyone? If so, how do you manage it?
How do you also stop over analyzing your worries and doubts? This is another concern of mine.
-----
Also, another advice question.
Sometimes this anxiety goes and I feel a burst of love for him, but then I am scared to skype him as I worry the anxiety will come back of me missing him.*
Because of my rocky past, I have walls that are just built up but I am trying to work through it.
Does anyone else have this?*
Seriously, thank everyone with your support so far. You're all amazing.
I wanted to give an update on this, with some positive notes and some other advice.
First off, I have been seeing a therapist and we have identified an underlying issue, that it's all normal, down to the move and more importantly, I am still grieving over my dad. Don't get me wrong, I still have anxiety and separation issues, but they are getting more manageable. Definitely more than how they were before and it's reassuring to know that it's down to the fact that I simply miss him.
One of the things I wanted to discuss with my SO was the fact that I *may* have to stay longer, but I do not want to. It's a thought that I am somewhat ok with but I am terrified of losing my partner, as it means longer time apart (8*more months).
However, when I told him, he accepted, and if anything he wants me to stay a little longer so I can get my fill of my work experience (I've been here 2 months). He will be there for me right at the end.
Honestly, I am debating whether I want to stay for another 8. My original plan was another 4, but he wants me to do this and has confidence in me. It's whether I have confidence in myself as I do NOT want to lose him, in any way, shape or form.
I panicked last night though because for a moment I thought our interests were out of alignment. I think this might be down to**him being so ok with it and I panicked about that, but we do want to be together at the end of this. He also said that if his current job asked him to move if it would earn him a LOT of money, he would. This made me scared for some reason, which is silly because I moved temporarily for a job. I know I want us to be together at the end, so.. badly.. I don't see how when my first worry was me saying I would stay longer and he would run, but he wants me to stay and he will wait for me.
This is what made my LDR work previously with him though, I saw him actually every 3/4 weeks for 8 months and we made it work. I learned to hang with friend and be ok with myself, as well as trying to enjoy my job. Knowing it was temporary helped.
I also went for a run every other evening, which also helped I suppose.
The main thing that gets me, is fear. I had fear previously but that end goal when we hung out together for a month made me know that he was the one for me. I want this end goal to be permanent.*
Is this fear normal for everyone? If so, how do you manage it?
How do you also stop over analyzing your worries and doubts? This is another concern of mine.
-----
Also, another advice question.
Sometimes this anxiety goes and I feel a burst of love for him, but then I am scared to skype him as I worry the anxiety will come back of me missing him.*
Because of my rocky past, I have walls that are just built up but I am trying to work through it.
Does anyone else have this?*
Seriously, thank everyone with your support so far. You're all amazing.
I do not know if this helps, heck i do not know if it's even helping me yet. I focus on how much i love me, i focus on my confidence. That gives me clarity. My goal is to think this way often till i can make it a norm again, only this time even better without the fear of cheating lingering. I honestly think self confidence is one really useful key.
Comment