We're having trouble getting over this one issue...

[Kadima00]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We lived and dated in the same city for about a year and a half. Then last September, he moved to Europe for a temporary job assignment. We've been making it work. In addition to him coming here for business trips three to four times a year, I can go there once a year. Plus, we communicate throughout the day.

He is currently visiting. This is his second visit since moving seven months ago.

In general, I find him to be a great boyfriend. We click in terms of tastes and humor and beliefs and all that. And we are insanely physically attracted to one another. I think the distance has made us stronger and we're more in tune to each others' feelings since we talk so frequently.

However, the issue we can't seem to improve is: he is somewhat bad with his time management. When we're together (even before he moved), he would make plans to meet with me, but then run late without keeping me updated on what's going on, letting me know if we should just cancel, etc. This happens sometimes, not all the time. Sometimes, he's good at following through on plans.

We trust each other, and I know he's not shady. He's not hiding anything. He's just bad with time and organization. There are instances, like this past Thursday, where he would say 'I'm going out with friends and let's meet later'. I agreed and texted him to let me know when he's done so I can get ready. He let hours pass without updating me. I didn't want to bother him. I wanted him to have time with his friends, so I didn't check in.

I was waiting at work, and decided to eat out nearby. Coming out of the restaurant, I fell and gashed my knee. Frustrated and in pain, I finally called him, but I let my anger over him not keeping me updated on our plans coming through. I didn't tell him about my knee. I ended up hanging up on him and going home.

We met the next day, face to face. We fought. He was angry, thinking I wouldn't be angry if I had just texted him. But as I said, I didn't want to bother him. Plus, i thought since he was the one who initiated the plan, he should follow up. I'm angry because he left me to wait for hours, leaving our plans up in the air. I left, storming off.

We've fought about this before (even before we were in an LDR). We would get so heated that he'd say it's over (his way of saying he needs space), but we'd always get back together... always after a few days.

Now, it's been almost three days, I haven't heard from him. I've texted to see how he is, but he has been completely silent. This has got me concerned because in our past fights, like I said, he'd say we're over out of frustration, but we'd always start speaking after a day or two. This time, although he didn't verbalize that we were breaking up as he did in previous fights, he has been completely silent.

As I said, he can be this great and really caring, really affectionate and attentive guy, but when we fight, he tends to forget about all the reasons why he has been all those good qualities. It's mind boggling. That's the way he fights and deals with stress. We don't really fight about other things.

What is he thinking? Is he breaking up for real? I like to have faith that he won't let everything we've been through, everything we are, go down the drain for a fight like this. He's got about a week and a half left in the visit. The silence is killing me. We're losing precious time we could be spending together! Any advice?!


[side note: He has been extraordinarily supportive these last few weeks--literally my rock. I have been having a trying time and quite anxious because my contract ends in five months and I have not been able to secure another job after so many attempts. My best friend is also moving to NYC for his dream job. So that leaves me alone in the city (my family's in Florida). He won't throw in the towel now, will he?]

[sasad]

Unfortunately, getting into the habit of saying "It's over" during a fight is one of the worst habits you can do. I am not sure if one of you says it more or who said it this time, but it sounds like e may mean it. How many times does that have to be said before someone say F -it and moves on... You are both out of your teens and should be beyond that threat. Is it just him that fights or is it both?? It does really really bother you about the time mgmt issues he has. Is it a deal breaker for you?
You obviously need to talk.. and do it face to face somewhere where you can discuss things without loosing your cool.
Will he throw in the towel?? Don't know and cant answer that.

[Kadima00]

To answer your questions: I rarely say it. It's usually him.
Since we've fought about this before, he's actually tried to be better, and I thought things were improving. It's just that every now and then he'll slip up. No, it's not a deal breaker, but I'm getting tired of the reaction he gets when tension comes from his poor planning.

I'm sure we all know people who are a bit scatter brained--friends or family, whatever--but what's wrong with owning up and saying sorry so as to prevent things from turning into a cold war?

You shouldn't have to break up over something stupid like this.

[Redheart14]

Just give him his space to calm down. Trying to call or contact when one of you is still upset or not ready to talk only aggravates them further. If he doesn't come around after a few days of no contact attempts on your end, I'd say you'd have your answer. But he may just need time to get over this.

[Kadima00]

Thank you. I'm just so anxious because his time here is limited. I'm sorry this all had to happen and spoil the visit, but we need to get over it to save the relationship. He's so stubborn!

[Kadima00]

I hate to think this... but maybe he's using me as a crutch somehow. When he's abroad, he has no one. He has no friends. I've been loyal, supportive, and attentive to him always.

So, when he's here, he's surrounded by family, friends, and colleagues. I somehow am not much of a priority when he visits. Maybe it's not intentional. Maybe it's just the way he is. Maybe he expects me to understand that his time here is always busy (since he's on business). I know he's busy and everything--he's actually working (not on vacation) and has errands to run and people to see while he's here, but he could definitely be more considerate of his girlfriend's time.

Sorry, I'm just really angry now.

[Kadima00]

This silence is so unnerving. As the days pass, I get more anxious. I hate to think that someone who was so close to me--my biggest supporter and fan, my confidante. Someone I loyally gave almost two years of my life to and three years of friendship to would just end things this way... after a petty fight (whose solution is a good talk), and no closure to know for sure if things are done.

[sasad]

I can only imagine....non communication is not good. Are you sure he is ok? Can you check fb or any social media he uses???

[Kadima00]

Thanks, sasad. He's one of those who rarely check Facebook... like once or twice a year.

BTW, he works across the street and is in town for these annual meetings.

The only way I can vaguely check up on him is through WhatsApp. It tells you when they last checked in or checked their messages.

[sasad]

Wow...has he checked stuff you sent???
I would be a week upset as well they.
Do you really think he just hangs with you when he is ld?

[Kadima00]

Yes, he's been checking my messages. I've sent two yesterday and one today. I have stopped monitoring it to see whether or not he's checking or even replying. If he wants to get in touch, he could call or text or visit my home, even my office. But I don't need to be that anxious. And maybe it is true what they say--just leave him completely alone, give him space and time to miss you, and he'll eventually reach back out.

To maybe answer your question, before he moved, he would always make time for me. We saw each other almost daily since he worked so close by. In addition to seeing each other for lunch and coffees during the week, we had weekend dates.

It only started when he would visit from being abroad that he'd get so flustered with time management and planning.

You know what's crazy? He'll keep me well updated while he's abroad... Telling me where he's going, when he's returned from business trips, when he's arrived home from work, etc.

But when he's here... At least the past two times, he's been trying to tackle things to do--buy things he can't get there; renew licenses, look after his house that he's renting, visit family, plus report to work from headquarters here.

The distance has taught me a lot about patience, trust, and being independent. I'm in no way clingy. I'm not trying to suffocate him, demanding he spend more time with me or even tell me every detail of his days. I just want that when he makes plans that involve me... To please be considerate of my time.

He asked explicitly after a fight and when we were trying to patch things up what he could do better... I said straightforwardly that he just has to keep me updated when we have plans together. That's all. In other ways, he's great.

Before coming, he voluntarily checked in with me and told me his plans (vague--not day by day). I said they sound good. I hope he gets everything done. Looking at the busy work schedule, I encouraged him to be able to meet up with friends and family since they didn't see a lot of him last time.

And now, it seems he's slipped up. He's forgotten our past discussions and me expressing my concern of his time management and communication.

I don't understand.

Maybe he's upset my reaction during the fight. I actually pushed back more aggressively than I did in the past. Maybe he's also upset with his.

I don't know.

I'm just really upset right now that my friend of over three years and my partner and lover for two years would act the way he is. And candidly, there's always a nagging feeling that this may be the end. Everyone feels this when they fight, no?

Why, if given the role we've played in each others' lives, would he just leave me in limbo or could he just leave (if he does)?

[spanglishjoe]

The odd part when reading this is that it's more difficult when he's in your city than overseas..normally you'd think it'd make things easier.

I won't pretend to know your relationship, but based on what you write, it seems like communication when he's in the US is the bigger issue than his time management. Even if he's running late, if he texted you an update, it seems like it might help take some pressure off of you. I don't know how you said this to him, but when he comes back to you, I think it's totally fair for you to want to discuss the issues you're encountering during his visits. You are his girlfriend. I'm sorry to hear you've been cold-shouldered for 3 days.

It's important that you feel loved and respected. I hope you're able to work it out. Good luck.

[hmrambling]

For me, part of an amends process is to change old behavior.

If someone exhibits undesirable behavior, apologizes, and commits to change that behavior, then I accept the amend. However, if someone exhibits undesirable behavior, apologizes, commits to change that behavior, and then behaves the same, then I really don't believe that person will change. I begin to think that maybe that person is simply saying words to get in my good favor.

Actions speak volumes.

Also, I don't really fight with my partner at all. When I need to convey that a behavior is undesirable, I try to sit down and talk about it calmly.

[Kadima00]

At this point, I just want to be on good terms and on the track to harmony. I do realize we need to talk. I'd give anything if we could talk deeply about this and really try to address this looking ahead and making it work.

Thank you all for reading and for your thoughts and support.

[sasad]

Best of luck to you. I am hoping you have talked with him by now..