Hello all, (My posts tend to be long, sorry! I like to include as much detail as possible so, if it's too much, just skip down to the second post I'll make which gets to my basic questions)
Been a long time since I've come by the LFAD forums. I was in a serious but sadly short-lived LDR some years ago and found my way to this website back then when I needed some reassurance and advice, and I am returning now because of my current LDR - officially 1.5 years strong with someone I've known for about 2.5 years now. We have flown to see each other 8 times now, all within the last 14 months, for a total of about 71 days spent together, more time in total than I spend with my own family really!
This summer we will be making our decision about where to live and finally close the distance! I am excited and have been looking forward to this moment for a long time, but, as this time frame gets closer, I am starting to think back on past disagreements/issues that we've had, which there aren't many of, but they are unresolved, and have me concerned for our future together.
The issues we've had mainly stem from a drastic difference in our preferred strategies and ability for handling emotions and stress. We are on completely opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, and not just opposite, but far apart - if she's a -500 on the scale, then I am at +500 - we aren't even close. To put it simply, whenever something stressful and/or frustrating arises, she tends to let her emotions control her to the point of complete mental breakdowns to tears that ruin the rest of her day/night (even for minuscule little things), whereas for me, big or small, it's all dust in the wind. I won't say I never stress about anything, but I will say that it is extremely rare, and takes something truly overwhelming in combination with several tragedies in order to break me.
My phrase to live by is, "It is what it is," and it's a phrase that, for me, encourages one to accept a situation (whatever it may be) and deal with it as necessary. We can't change the past, and so many things that people cry and stress over, are in the past - why cry and stress about something that can't be changed? Someone stole your lunch? Someone cut you off in traffic? A customer yelled at and embarrassed you at work? My philosophy is that one's energy is better spent dealing with the situation rather than sitting in a corner sulking about it, as sulking yields no beneficial result. If there is any one thing that I admit I have an ego about, it's emotional control lol, but, it's many benefits are not without downsides either, which is why I am here...
Being that we are so far separated on this emotional spectrum, it has made it difficult, if not nearly impossible for us to relate to each other when/if we have our own personal problems. Given the way she reacts to potentially stressful things and the way I react to potentially stressful things (as explained in the paragraph above), these situations are pretty much one-sided with her having the personal problem and me being unable (but trying) to relate or help her. When I do try to help her, it's usually in the form of what I would say is some basic advice and things to try out which may help to avoid/prevent/fix the problem in the future, but it's nearly always met with a negative reaction where she feels like I am judging her, and/or lecturing her as if she's a child (we are both in our mid 20s, and honestly, she does act like a child some times, as i'll explain in an example below)(and I tread EXTREMELY lightly over a floor of egg shells when choosing my words of advice - what actually comes out of my mouth is about 95% filtered from what I'd really like to say already, and yet it still causes a negative reaction). Because this is a common theme in dealing with any issue, I am forced to just sit, listen, and say things like "Uh huh..." "yeah..." "yeah that sucks..." and just endlessly agree with her so as not make the problem worse.
Now, you're probably wondering, what are some examples of things that she gets stressed and has meltdowns over? I'll give a few examples, starting with what I would consider to be the most easily dismissable for the average person our age:
1) there was a time when she was visiting with her family for dinner, and her parents had recently been spoiling her sister with gifts (big and small) since she was going away to college. My SO, jealous that her sister was getting all these things that she herself never got when she was her age, is crying and having a meltdown over it, "It's not fair!!" and all... All I can think of is, "You're 20 something years old and crying (literally) about not getting presents," in simpler terms, it's basically "I broke a nail" being equated to "I'm literally dying." It's an eye roller for me but the end of the world for her.
2) we had a date night planned while I was visiting once to go out to this nice restaurant and were having trouble finding a parking space. She was driving (first mistake I know not to allow in the future) and passed a spot right out front to park in but she can't parallel park so, we circled around and kept looking. Well, she immediately became anxious about being unable to find a place. Somehow we ended up on the wrong street, going the wrong direction, she's worried we're going to be late for our reservation, I'm trying to give her directions and she is so overwhelmed that she's on the verge of tears and says to me in a shaky, trying-to-hold-back-the-meltdown voice "At this point, I'd rather just go home." We'd only been driving around for probably less than 5 minutes, and yet the situation had escalated to full-blown end-of-the-world mode, wanting to cancel everything and go home just because we couldn't find parking... We did find parking though, and as we walked to the restaurant, she thanked me for being so calm the entire time while she was nearly screaming and crying, but this event in particular bothered me with how easily she let her emotions take control.
3) Work stress in general. There is a list of complaints here with her job but the short and sweet of it is that nearly all tasks that her job requires, cause her to be needlessly stressed out, not because the tasks themselves are stressful, but because she makes them stressful. The most basic example of this I can think of would be when she has a stack of things to go through on her desk and she attempts to do multiple things at once - answer emails, make phone calls, organize papers, etc... Some people are good at doing that, but she just isn't, so, when she tries to, she gets overwhelmed. I've attempted to explain how to make a list, prioritizing certain tasks, taking them on one at a time, delegating some to others (if possible), etc but as I've mentioned before, this comes across as lecturing and she doesn't want to hear it. Funny enough, her co-worker can recommend those same things (she told me this on the phone once) and suddenly there is light at the end of the tunnel and she understands it because it came from third party instead of her boyfriend. It's not lecturing in that case apparently...
I tried to play devil's advocate once and that got me in trouble too. She was complaining about how her bosses don't do anything and pass off all their work to her and make money off the work she does... #1, her official job position is "Assistant ________," so, other people's work getting passed off on to her is sort of part of the job of being an assistant... #2, her bosses making money off of the work she does...uh, yeah, that's kind of the perk of being the boss and the way it is in essentially ALL businesses...
4) Home stress in general. She lives by herself, has to do her own laundry, clean her own dishes, and clean a house that is only ever dirtied (if at all) by 1 person (herself) (i.e. basic chores that no adult should ever be complaining about). She comes home and has "so much to do" at the end of her day, which in reality is very little compared to the rest of the world. I work full time 40+ hours a week, go to school full time 12+ units, and still make time every night to spend with her, do homework, study, and take care of all my other normal adult responsibilities and I am not at all the busiest person in the world who doesn't complain about it. "It could be worse," probably my 2nd favorite phrase to live by that helps remind me that my life isn't all that bad.
*Extra important detail that may give a reason behind all of this) At one point during our many conversations across the years, she mentioned to me how when she was going grocery shopping once, she got out of her car, starting walking towards the entrance of the store, and then felt so overwhelmed and anxious that she had to turn around, get back in the car and drive home. I came to the immediate conclusion that she must have had some sort of anxiety or panic attack, but I didn't question her about it because she likely would have become upset. I didn't want to ruin the night by asking if she'd ever gone to a doctor about anxiety, but, with what I've seen of how she reacts to everything in her life, the reasonable explanation for it is pointing pretty strongly toward some sort of anxiety disorder...especially after this little story about the grocery store.
(concluded on next post...)
Been a long time since I've come by the LFAD forums. I was in a serious but sadly short-lived LDR some years ago and found my way to this website back then when I needed some reassurance and advice, and I am returning now because of my current LDR - officially 1.5 years strong with someone I've known for about 2.5 years now. We have flown to see each other 8 times now, all within the last 14 months, for a total of about 71 days spent together, more time in total than I spend with my own family really!
This summer we will be making our decision about where to live and finally close the distance! I am excited and have been looking forward to this moment for a long time, but, as this time frame gets closer, I am starting to think back on past disagreements/issues that we've had, which there aren't many of, but they are unresolved, and have me concerned for our future together.
The issues we've had mainly stem from a drastic difference in our preferred strategies and ability for handling emotions and stress. We are on completely opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, and not just opposite, but far apart - if she's a -500 on the scale, then I am at +500 - we aren't even close. To put it simply, whenever something stressful and/or frustrating arises, she tends to let her emotions control her to the point of complete mental breakdowns to tears that ruin the rest of her day/night (even for minuscule little things), whereas for me, big or small, it's all dust in the wind. I won't say I never stress about anything, but I will say that it is extremely rare, and takes something truly overwhelming in combination with several tragedies in order to break me.
My phrase to live by is, "It is what it is," and it's a phrase that, for me, encourages one to accept a situation (whatever it may be) and deal with it as necessary. We can't change the past, and so many things that people cry and stress over, are in the past - why cry and stress about something that can't be changed? Someone stole your lunch? Someone cut you off in traffic? A customer yelled at and embarrassed you at work? My philosophy is that one's energy is better spent dealing with the situation rather than sitting in a corner sulking about it, as sulking yields no beneficial result. If there is any one thing that I admit I have an ego about, it's emotional control lol, but, it's many benefits are not without downsides either, which is why I am here...
Being that we are so far separated on this emotional spectrum, it has made it difficult, if not nearly impossible for us to relate to each other when/if we have our own personal problems. Given the way she reacts to potentially stressful things and the way I react to potentially stressful things (as explained in the paragraph above), these situations are pretty much one-sided with her having the personal problem and me being unable (but trying) to relate or help her. When I do try to help her, it's usually in the form of what I would say is some basic advice and things to try out which may help to avoid/prevent/fix the problem in the future, but it's nearly always met with a negative reaction where she feels like I am judging her, and/or lecturing her as if she's a child (we are both in our mid 20s, and honestly, she does act like a child some times, as i'll explain in an example below)(and I tread EXTREMELY lightly over a floor of egg shells when choosing my words of advice - what actually comes out of my mouth is about 95% filtered from what I'd really like to say already, and yet it still causes a negative reaction). Because this is a common theme in dealing with any issue, I am forced to just sit, listen, and say things like "Uh huh..." "yeah..." "yeah that sucks..." and just endlessly agree with her so as not make the problem worse.
Now, you're probably wondering, what are some examples of things that she gets stressed and has meltdowns over? I'll give a few examples, starting with what I would consider to be the most easily dismissable for the average person our age:
1) there was a time when she was visiting with her family for dinner, and her parents had recently been spoiling her sister with gifts (big and small) since she was going away to college. My SO, jealous that her sister was getting all these things that she herself never got when she was her age, is crying and having a meltdown over it, "It's not fair!!" and all... All I can think of is, "You're 20 something years old and crying (literally) about not getting presents," in simpler terms, it's basically "I broke a nail" being equated to "I'm literally dying." It's an eye roller for me but the end of the world for her.
2) we had a date night planned while I was visiting once to go out to this nice restaurant and were having trouble finding a parking space. She was driving (first mistake I know not to allow in the future) and passed a spot right out front to park in but she can't parallel park so, we circled around and kept looking. Well, she immediately became anxious about being unable to find a place. Somehow we ended up on the wrong street, going the wrong direction, she's worried we're going to be late for our reservation, I'm trying to give her directions and she is so overwhelmed that she's on the verge of tears and says to me in a shaky, trying-to-hold-back-the-meltdown voice "At this point, I'd rather just go home." We'd only been driving around for probably less than 5 minutes, and yet the situation had escalated to full-blown end-of-the-world mode, wanting to cancel everything and go home just because we couldn't find parking... We did find parking though, and as we walked to the restaurant, she thanked me for being so calm the entire time while she was nearly screaming and crying, but this event in particular bothered me with how easily she let her emotions take control.
3) Work stress in general. There is a list of complaints here with her job but the short and sweet of it is that nearly all tasks that her job requires, cause her to be needlessly stressed out, not because the tasks themselves are stressful, but because she makes them stressful. The most basic example of this I can think of would be when she has a stack of things to go through on her desk and she attempts to do multiple things at once - answer emails, make phone calls, organize papers, etc... Some people are good at doing that, but she just isn't, so, when she tries to, she gets overwhelmed. I've attempted to explain how to make a list, prioritizing certain tasks, taking them on one at a time, delegating some to others (if possible), etc but as I've mentioned before, this comes across as lecturing and she doesn't want to hear it. Funny enough, her co-worker can recommend those same things (she told me this on the phone once) and suddenly there is light at the end of the tunnel and she understands it because it came from third party instead of her boyfriend. It's not lecturing in that case apparently...
I tried to play devil's advocate once and that got me in trouble too. She was complaining about how her bosses don't do anything and pass off all their work to her and make money off the work she does... #1, her official job position is "Assistant ________," so, other people's work getting passed off on to her is sort of part of the job of being an assistant... #2, her bosses making money off of the work she does...uh, yeah, that's kind of the perk of being the boss and the way it is in essentially ALL businesses...
4) Home stress in general. She lives by herself, has to do her own laundry, clean her own dishes, and clean a house that is only ever dirtied (if at all) by 1 person (herself) (i.e. basic chores that no adult should ever be complaining about). She comes home and has "so much to do" at the end of her day, which in reality is very little compared to the rest of the world. I work full time 40+ hours a week, go to school full time 12+ units, and still make time every night to spend with her, do homework, study, and take care of all my other normal adult responsibilities and I am not at all the busiest person in the world who doesn't complain about it. "It could be worse," probably my 2nd favorite phrase to live by that helps remind me that my life isn't all that bad.
*Extra important detail that may give a reason behind all of this) At one point during our many conversations across the years, she mentioned to me how when she was going grocery shopping once, she got out of her car, starting walking towards the entrance of the store, and then felt so overwhelmed and anxious that she had to turn around, get back in the car and drive home. I came to the immediate conclusion that she must have had some sort of anxiety or panic attack, but I didn't question her about it because she likely would have become upset. I didn't want to ruin the night by asking if she'd ever gone to a doctor about anxiety, but, with what I've seen of how she reacts to everything in her life, the reasonable explanation for it is pointing pretty strongly toward some sort of anxiety disorder...especially after this little story about the grocery store.
(concluded on next post...)
Differentcountries is absolutely right though, about it not being easily overcome just because it seems that way to you or others. Her reactions appear overblown, but a panic disorder creates real, physical effect on the body. It feels like the end of the world, absolutely. And usually, a person who is panicking knows perfectly well that they are being irrational, and wants to "just stop it" - but they can't. They physically CAN NOT, it's like you have no control over your own body. So the added shame, guilt, helplessness, public embarrassment, fear, and anger at themselves for having the episode makes the panic reaction even worse, and things quickly turn into meltdowns over parallel parking.
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