Affection issue from a distance..

[Polaris]

hey guys,
first time on here so I'll try my best to explain and keep it short-ish.
I've known Kate for many years.. we used to see each other at parties all the time and we would always say hi and thats about it. She ended up dating one of my best friends and so i got to know her a little better because she was living with him. (this was about 3-4 years ago) then we both went through other multiple partners/relationships etc.

One day last summer I was walking to work and she had turned the corner and we kinda ran into each other and we both found out we actually work around the corner from each other. which was cool. so we started kinda hanging out on the daily on lunch breaks n stuff like that. Unfortunately i had found out that she was moving to BC in the next couple of weeks. we ended up still chatting alot throughout those next weeks and seeing each other a lot.. we ended up at an event together and had our first kiss. By this point we had confirmed that we were both really into each other... anyways she ended up moving to Prince George in BC , im in Toronto Ontario. aproxx 4200KM away. So although it sucked, she had to go what can you do?? over the next couple of months i really helped her settle into her new place, helped her get used to being there we spoke a lot over FB and txt for the first 2 months or so she was there... then naturally we found other partners and kinda drifted a little but everytime we came back it was kinda like nothing changed we just got back to the same page.. we helped each other out with problems we were both having in our relationships and that kinda stuff.

So fast forward about 6 months and she's back in Toronto to visit for 3 weeks and to come to a few of my shows that i was playing (i DJ) she had asked me if i wanted to get a hotel with her and spend the night together and i was 100% down for that ofcourse... so this is when things really started becoming apparent .. mostly that we were falling in love with each other. So those 3 weeks that she was here were absolutely incredible... even when she was away for the night we would text each other all night till we fell asleep and be super affectionate all the time. (i miss you so much, i love you etc etc. you get it) but ofcourse the date was on the horizon and she had to go back to BC... but she detoured to California for a week before she actually went back home. That week was great too.. i mean she was far away, we couldn't talk when she was away from the hotel because she had no service and so we only got to talk in the mornings and then at night when she would return. And again.. the affection and everything was there, it was perfect even though she was away.

So I decided that since i have a crapton of airmiles, im gonna grab a ticket and go see her in June for 3 weeks. She's ecstatic about it.

So fast forward that week now and shes back in Prince George... first week was difficult because the re adjustment and all that which i understand, then it went alright for the next week, there was less affection going around but it was still okay. Recently in the past week though it's been getting kinda less and less.. unless i show it first and even then sometimes it's not really shown back. I am a pretty affectionate person, i like to be able to get back what i give out.. now if she was like this from the start it would have been a different story because it's just the way she is... so i asked her about it.. asked her if the flame has died or something it felt stronger when she was off in California because we would only be able to talk at the end of the day and she was doing lots of fun stuff and had things to share with me as opposed to now where we text throughout the day. She also mentioned exhaustion from work and back into the routine of her everyday life and how chaotic it is. She has also expressed to me before (this was when she was in Toronto) that usually all her ex's would tell her that she doesn't show as much affection as they do.. like it was a constant thing that happened with her. except now its a bit more prominent i guess because of the distance... so now after her explaining herself tonight, she has told me she doesn't feel the need to tell me she misses me or loves me all the time and if she does she'll feel like a broken record player and i get that.. shes also written in capitals IT DOESNT CHANGE HOW I FEEL. so now im just kinda here.. i texted her back saying you know if it would be better for her if we didn't talk throughout the day , just at night, wether she wants to work on it or not. She is out with her friends tonight and didnt want to talk about it any further because it was causing her lots of anxiety and she felt overwhelmed.. and i get that. i totaly understood and said that's fine and left it at that. haven't heard from her yet cuz shes still out.

So im just wondering if i'm being over dramatic? am i being too much of a baby? am i being rational here or am i just making this way bigger of a deal than it has to be and over thinking things.

[differentcountries]

Finding ways to keep in touch that are neighter overwealming nor repeative is a constant challenge for all LDRs. There are many advice on how to keep the flames alive, as I am sure you know. Sometimes it feels easy and Skyping is almost better than being in the same room together. At other times, life wears us down and the last thing we want to do when we feel broken is to turn on the computer and share the pain with a person who can't physically touch us.

I will tell you one thing, though, that I do a lot with him and that seem to work for us; I map out small stories. Like, my boyfriend has worked 12 hours a day, everyday, he only wants to eat and sleep and I tell him, I wish I was there to hold you, I spin out the details and it is really just remembering how it used to be. I mean people do this in person too, the "do you remember when..." og "I want to do that more...". When SO was sick, I told him I wished I could make him tea. When he was depressed, I told him I wished to hug him and that he is beatiful and perfect to me. We usually don't talk about the distance being hard, because we know this, it is like a constant, but sometimes we comment upon it. I will tell him, I wish I was with you so I could put my nose to your neck and smell the way your perfume melts into your skin, just below your ear. I will tell him, today I ate Turkish food and I thought of you. Just little things like that where I don't make it into a whole book, but it is just appreciating the memories of what we had and wishing we will make more when we meet. And we share many details of our lives, small snippets of what we do and we send lots of pictures. He will be like "Look at the dog I fed, this is his dinner" (he works in a restaurant and like many Turks he feeds the local street dogs). I will be like "Look at my cousin playing the mountain king's daughter in this show". We will take pics of ourselves when we are dressed up and ready to go... sometimes we will send pics of ourselves looking sleepy, tired, worn. Look, this is me with my friends, with my family, in nature missing you.

People have different styles of expression, it makes no sense thinking in terms like childish or rational. Love yourself and love the other person, help each other, find a compromise.

[sasad]

Are you both officially a couple? Have you discussed what you both want and are you both exclusive now?
I understand how you must feel...all love and affection verbally to now, almost nothing..
We all have needs and wants, and yours are a little different than hers. You should probably have a talk and figure out a middle ground. Just don't start with.."Youmake me feel", but rather "I feel...".
Maybe you just need to define what it is you both want and need?

[R&R]

So fast forward that week now and shes back in Prince George... first week was difficult because the re adjustment and all that which i understand, then it went alright for the next week, there was less affection going around but it was still okay. Recently in the past week though it's been getting kinda less and less.. unless i show it first and even then sometimes it's not really shown back. I am a pretty affectionate person, i like to be able to get back what i give out.. now if she was like this from the start it would have been a different story because it's just the way she is... so i asked her about it.. asked her if the flame has died or something it felt stronger when she was off in California because we would only be able to talk at the end of the day and she was doing lots of fun stuff and had things to share with me as opposed to now where we text throughout the day. She also mentioned exhaustion from work and back into the routine of her everyday life and how chaotic it is. She has also expressed to me before (this was when she was in Toronto) that usually all her ex's would tell her that she doesn't show as much affection as they do.. like it was a constant thing that happened with her. except now its a bit more prominent i guess because of the distance... so now after her explaining herself tonight, she has told me she doesn't feel the need to tell me she misses me or loves me all the time and if she does she'll feel like a broken record player and i get that.. shes also written in capitals IT DOESNT CHANGE HOW I FEEL. so now im just kinda here.. i texted her back saying you know if it would be better for her if we didn't talk throughout the day , just at night, wether she wants to work on it or not. She is out with her friends tonight and didnt want to talk about it any further because it was causing her lots of anxiety and she felt overwhelmed.. and i get that. i totaly understood and said that's fine and left it at that. haven't heard from her yet cuz shes still out.

So im just wondering if i'm being over dramatic? am i being too much of a baby? am i being rational here or am i just making this way bigger of a deal than it has to be and over thinking things.

So she has told you that this is a trend in how she behaves, so you know it's not just about your relationship. She has also stated she doesn't feel the need to say it all the time. Some people really don't because, to them, it loses meaning if it's said all the time. It become more out of habit than it is out of true meaning and they don't want that.

Usually, I would say you need to discuss it and work on a compromise. However, this is one of the few things that I personally would not want to find a compromise on. The reason I say that, is if you choose to meet in the middle and she says, "Ok, I will respond to it every other day and say that I love you and miss you", then she's only doing it because she is, in essence, being forced to, in order to make you happy. I would think you would much rather hear it when it comes from her heart and when she is really feeling it instead of because she HAS to say it because it falls on that day. It doesn't mean you can't tell her how you feel, but don't be upset if she doesn't respond in kind.

[QueenD]

My boyfriend and I have been together about 3 months, and I have dealt with some similar things. He is, quite simply, not good at verbalizing feelings and also not a huge initiator of the little verbal affections - although he does quote easily return them! I just spent 10 days in his state (3 with another friend a few hours away, the rest with him) and we took the opportunity to talk a lot about expectations and needs in this area and while he still isn't great he made some efforts that are encouraging.

One thing that really helped us out was to discuss what our love languages are. If you aren't familiar with this, Google 5 Love Languages and read more. There is even a quiz online that you and your partner can take to determine your languages and there is also a good book you could buy. My partners love languages are physical touch and quality time, which are just about the crappiest combo you could come up with in a LDR. Mine are quality time and words of affection, which are a little easier. We had a talk about how we can meet the needs of these languages better - one of our top issues is that we both have busy lives, and when you combine that with the part where you can take a while to "warm up" the conversation during remote communications, it can be very difficult. We basically decided we need to make a point to talk for longer periods (like 1+ hours) more often to help with that.

Learn your love languages, discuss them, and talk about what things make you each feel treasured. It will help a lot!

[QueenD]

Differentcountries, I really like the suggestion of verbalizing physical touch things, such as saying you wish you could hug your person. I had never considered that before! I am going to have to try it, and I like the emoji idea too. My fave emoji in iPhone is a kiss face one so I love when he sends it. 😘

[Polaris]

Hey guys,

so the past couple of days have been okay, after our little incident that night where i expressed the way i felt and she had said she didn't really want to talk about it any further because it was causing her severe anxiety, The next day I was out at the beach with my family and she woke up a lot later than usual, asked me how i was i told her i was okay and how she is doing and she said she was a bit hung over and whatnot. She told me in detail about her night (this is one thing i love about her is how honest of a person she is with me) So that kind of re assured me that nothing fishy went down while she was out because sometimes people do tend to make mistakes after a little argument especially when they go out to drink after an incident like that. But it seems nothing happened, we spoke a little throughout the day yesterday and things seemed to be getting back on track. I was kind of wondering if we were okay the whole day so at one point I asked her if everything is okay with us and she said everything is fine on my end so that was good. So now it's pretty much back to regular day things.. again im not sure how much i should be putting out there for her? without feeling like im smothering her. although i've mentioned that before and she said "i live 4200 km away from you i don't think smothering will ever be a problem you dont have to worry about that" but it's difficult for that to be credible when you feel like the only person sending <3's and saying cute lovey things. Once again its literally about the balance between us and me learning how to accept her love language like you guys said, also keeping in mind the fact that I also need to have a sense of fulfillment from her end.... and TBH last night when i expressed to her i was a bit anxious (i have generalized anxiety and depression) she had sent me a nice message saying <3 <3 <3 <3 you are loved, never forget that. so that was very very nice to hear from her. I think we're gonna get into really talking about it when i make my way over there in June.