Background checks and Googling

[sunnymess54]

I recently read a post about googling your SO. I think it's a great idea HOWEVER paying a little bit of money to get an official background check is much more effective and worth the peace of mind.

My last LDR I did google my SO and nothing but work and facebook things came up as he owned his own business. I did use one of those background check sites online where you pay $10 or something to get a supposed full background and just minimal stuff came up from when he was younger. After moving to be with him however I found out that he had a HUGE background of arrests, abuse, and no drivers license and owned more than 20k in past child support and that his business/checking accounts/ phone wtc was all in his oldest sons name which happened to also be his name to avoid anything being found by the government to pay the back support etc.
So I cannot stress it enough DO NOT just google your SO take the time call their local Police Department and get the proper information to the proper background check you need.

[Mr Gravy]

Honestly this seems a bit extreme to me. I like to believe that after getting to know a person, I'll be able to tell whether they are trustworthy or not. Unless they give me a reason to mistrust them, I don't see why I should resort to any such underhanded tactics.

[Mims27]

Are you kidding? Please tell me you are...
If you trust your SO and have no reason to do that, why the heck would you? What a shitty thing to do. I would lose my mind if my SO did that. Not because I have anything to hide but because of they're lack of trust. If you really feel like your SO deserves that then maybe you shouldn't be with them...

[Ella85]

I've never background checked my SO. But when I was going to court to get permission to move and they did a police check and it was all fine. I never would of done one because I trust my SO. It was only under the circumstances. Just because you have trust issues from your previous relationship doesn't mean you should bring it into your new one.

[R&R]

When we first started talking, I did double-checks on the things my SO told me. He owns his own business - I verified it. He gave me his address, I had a gift delivered there without telling him and when he got it, that confirmed it for me. Other than that, I took him at his word. When we got serious, he started opening up about important things from his past. He has a pretty rough background and he came out and told me everything. There was no reason for me to doubt him at that point and it all was accurate.

I don't think there is any harm in doing some checks when you are first starting out. As we all know, anyone can say anything they want to both online and in person. But once you start to get to know someone and make a commitment, then you have to trust.

[differentcountries]

I don't regard myself as a thrill seeker, but it has never even occured to me to do a backround check on SO. He is hardly online (and his name is very common anyway) and only active on Facebook on social media. I know his family, his friends, random people he knows both in his work town and in his birth town... If he had had kids, I would have known about it. I know he has some debt (as have I) and that is certainly something I need to know even more about if/when he moves here, but he wants to move her in part BECAUSE he can earn more money to erase his debts. I know that he has a dead sister and father, and that he owns part of his family house/farm/land. It is important to educate yourself.

But after knowing him only 1 month, I sent him enough money to buy a smart phone, which was all my savings at that point - I did it all because I trusted him at face value. A small part of me thought that he would just run away after that. The first thing he did after getting it, was sending me a pic of him getting a haircut by his aunt (she is a hairdresser who also did my hair on my last visit). I generally trust people on instinct rather than anything I hear about them.

[sunnymess54]

I was with my Ex for two years and had no reason to doubt him, he was the sweetest, most amazing man I had ever met. He was great with my kids, great with me, surprised me with flowers, presents, he was just great hence why I never thought anything bad of him or his past But being a parent with children and meeting him online yes I did find it necessary to do a check on him and with finding out the things I found out after I moved with him Yes I felt the need to do the same with my current SO. It had nothing to do with my lack of trust it has more to do with the fact that I have children to think about and people will say and do just about anything to get to you. It may seem rude or whatever but to me it is necessary. Also I have met a few others online that ended up via facebook finding out that they had a criminal record of some sort one being Child Abuse related.

[differentcountries]

Of course it is about lack of trust. If someone did a backround check on me and I found out on my own accord, I would have broken it off immediately.

I would ask to get an HIV test, to see bank account transcripts, to get insight into whatever I needed to know. But I would not hide it. If I really, really felt I need to know from public records that SO is not a convicted criminal, I explain this need and tell my SO about it before I did it. Otherwise, it would destroy the bond of trust between us.

[whatruckus]

This is extreme to me. And, I don't know what to tell you. If you feel like you need to have background checks done on someone you're dating, just to feel safe, then maybe you need to take a look at the people you've been dating in the past.

It is about a lack of trust. Why? Because you don't trust them enough to believe what they say, or who they are as a person and how they treat you, that you feel the need to get a background check done on them. You're trying to protect your kids from someone you don't trust, otherwise you wouldn't be thinking about doing a background check to begin with.

If I found out someone did this to me, I'd be pretty offended. The whole point of dating, and getting to know someone, is you're trying to find out more about them. You don't go behind someone's back (and this is the most important part, because you are doing it without their knowledge) and get a check done on them because you're suspicious. If you're going to be like that, then there's no point in dating to begin with. I understand you have children to think about, but this really isn't a good parenting tactic because you're teaching your kids that they can't trust anyone, or anyone's words. Some people might have a criminal history, yes, but that history doesn't tell you the whole story. It only tells you what was put into the system. It's easy for someone to get arrested for something they didn't do, or get arrested for Domestic Violence (even they didn't commit it) just because someone called the cops on them. Or, it could've been in the past and they've moved on from it. You can't judge someone's character, or the type of person they are (usually), from a background check. There's a lot of messed up people in the world who would do anything for vengeance against someone they dislike. Including calling the cops on them for something stupid.

Someone who got a DUI or DWI once when they were younger, does that mean they're a drunk and a bad person? Someone who got caught with Weed, does that make them a druggie?

Make the excuses you want, but the bottom line is you don't trust that person. Why else would you do a check?

[Mims27]

I still see it as a lack of trust. Kids or not. You should trust your partner. IMO. I may not have kids but I didn't know my SO when we first started either, she could've been a criminal. But I got to know her and trusted her. I think if something was off with your partner, you'd have a feeling about it. For your sake, I hope your SO doesn't find out, if you do do it.

[ChloChlo]

One on hand, I get that this sounds extreme and like you have “trust issues” to others. Of course we can’t imagine wanting to do that to our own partners, and would be insulted if it was done to us.

On the other hand, it's important to feel safe and comfortable according to your own standards, and I don’t judge you for giving this advice. I Googled my SO at the beginning because my friends and family gave me the old "how do you know he's even who he says he is" argument. They actually encouraged me to do the whole private investigator thing, search legal records; the whole 9 yards – as extreme as I wanted. I did some basic checking that backed up his identity to my own satisfaction, until I felt comfortable. Other than that, I admit that I took some chances in trusting my SO. He never asked me for any money or made my spidey-senses go off, so I chalked it up to the risk anyone takes when they date. Even if you meet someone through work or a bar or even a friend, you trust that they are reasonable, honest people; that you can tell when someone is dangerous or lying, and that you can take care of yourself.

BUT, I understand the desire to want to background check. Especially when we are held personally responsible for any negative consequences that occur when we take a risk on a relationship, and because you have already had one bad experience. People seem especially critical of long-distance stuff, because the risk is so much greater. If we change our whole lives (or our bank accounts) and then find out something unsavory about a partner, it suddenly becomes "why didn't you check them out before you did this??" or "What did you expect?” or even “What a stupid thing to do. You deserve it”. But of course, on the flip side, most people are incredulous when it is suggested you make SURE, officially, that someone is legit before anything bad happens. Because why wouldn't they be?? Why would you be with someone you can’t trust?? And now suddenly you are the wacko with issues. It’s a conundrum. “Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me”, right? Of course you want to protect yourself and prevent this from happening to others.

Thank you for sharing your perspective on this subject. I’m sorry those experiences happened to you.

[whatruckus]

One on hand, I get that this sounds extreme and like you have “trust issues” to others. Of course we can’t imagine wanting to do that to our own partners, and would be insulted if it was done to us.

On the other hand, it's important to feel safe and comfortable according to your own standards, and I don’t judge you for giving this advice. I Googled my SO at the beginning because my friends and family gave me the old "how do you know he's even who he says he is" argument. They actually encouraged me to do the whole private investigator thing, search legal records; the whole 9 yards – as extreme as I wanted. I did some basic checking that backed up his identity to my own satisfaction, until I felt comfortable. Other than that, I admit that I took some chances in trusting my SO. He never asked me for any money or made my spidey-senses go off, so I chalked it up to the risk anyone takes when they date. Even if you meet someone through work or a bar or even a friend, you trust that they are reasonable, honest people; that you can tell when someone is dangerous or lying, and that you can take care of yourself.

BUT, I understand the desire to want to background check. Especially when we are held personally responsible for any negative consequences that occur when we take a risk on a relationship, and because you have already had one bad experience. People seem especially critical of long-distance stuff, because the risk is so much greater. If we change our whole lives (or our bank accounts) and then find out something unsavory about a partner, it suddenly becomes "why didn't you check them out before you did this??" or "What did you expect?” or even “What a stupid thing to do. You deserve it”. But of course, on the flip side, most people are incredulous when it is suggested you make SURE, officially, that someone is legit before anything bad happens. Because why wouldn't they be?? Why would you be with someone you can’t trust?? And now suddenly you are the wacko with issues. It’s a conundrum. “Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me”, right? Of course you want to protect yourself and prevent this from happening to others.

Thank you for sharing your perspective on this subject. I’m sorry those experiences happened to you.

But, there's a difference between Googling someone and actually calling a Police Station to get a Criminal Background check done. When someone says they're getting a Background check done by the police, it's to check Criminal History.

[ChloChlo]

But, there's a difference between Googling someone and actually calling a Police Station to get a Criminal Background check done. When someone says they're getting a Background check done by the police, it's to check Criminal History.

I understand that.

[whatruckus]

And, I've asked a couple people I know about this and they all said the same thing I did. If you feel like you need to get Background Check on the person you're dating, or thinking about dating, then maybe you shouldn't be involved with that person.

I understand personal safety and things like that, but it's pretty offensive and extreme to go behind someone's back to do that, instead of asking them straight up. Or, letting that person come to you first, so you can get a better understanding of what the situation was that led them to have a record. Yes, there are bad people in the world, but like someone else said, you can't let bad experiences into your new relationships. And, you can't just assume that everyone is a terrible person with a bad history.

[ChloChlo]

I'm only saying I can understand her point of view. If others think it's offensive or extreme, I can understand that too.