Background checks and Googling

[whatruckus]

So, what happens if you do find something? That's my question.

[ChloChlo]

Like me personally? I think it would depend on a lot of things. I never said I myself would do an official criminal check, just that I can get why she'd advise others to get one. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can see why someone would think "oh if only I'd have done a check on that person".

[whatruckus]

Like me personally? I think it would depend on a lot of things. I never said I myself would do an official criminal check, just that I can get why she'd advise others to get one. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can see why someone would think "oh if only I'd have done a check on that person".

Oh, it wasn't direct at you. I just meant in general.

[sunnymess54]

I did trust my partner I was with him as I stated for over 2 years BEFORE doing a check on him and that was after I found out about his background and if it had been things that happened when he was younger I would of let it slide but the most recent things had happened a month before we started talking...in that two years that i trusted him I had no idea he didn't have a drivers license or had a huge criminal record or about the amount of debt he had etc... I trusted him whole heartitly. It wasn't until I moved there and was there was there a little bit before finding out things via his kids talking about it and things started adding up that's when I did the check and I informed him of it beforehand as in his state they require them for housing applications he just didn't think everything would come up and if it hadn't I don't think he would of ever told me.

As for my current SO I actually asked him if it was okay and he gave me the information I needed to run the check as he stated he knew the situation I had been in prior and wanted to assure me that I could trust him and if that's what would help than he was more than happy to help.


The only reason I wrote this post was so that people were aware that meeting people online is not always as cut and dry as it seems and that the people aren't as they say they are, not always, but sometimes.
People like my Ex are very good at hiding things, portraying themselves to be who they want you to think they are. He changes into the type of person who he goes for... As currently he is dating someone who is into musicals and Broadway shows etc where as with me I was into Slayer, Korn etc so he made a huge thing about loving slayer and Korn etc... The girl before him I was told was huge into video games so he made a huge stink about how much he loved video games as well. I had no idea he was how he was and unfortunately there are more people like him out there.

[sunnymess54]

This is EXACTLY what I was aiming for. If something bad happens people always say "why didn't you check them out first?" how come you were with him that long before you knew anything?"

Sometimes no matter how long you know someone they are not always as they appear.

[sunnymess54]

It depends on what it is? Like I originally said I had googled my Ex and found basic things and from there because of that information did one of those online background checks and found things from his younger days. I coughed it up as kids being kids stuff and swept it under the rug and never went further with it.

It depends on you and what you can live with. My Ex has an EXTENSIVE past ranging from domestic abusive, beating up cops, harressment, breaking and entering, getting in a large amounts of fights with whomever just for the hell of it... Things all I was unaware of. Just doesn't beat to do your homework is all.

[ChloChlo]

I get why others are saying running a secret background check on someone is concerning. Ideally, if it meant that much to me, I'd bring it up and say "you know, I am sure this seems crazy to you but for my own peace of mind I'd like to know this info" and if I was too afraid to talk about it openly then yeah, that's troubling. Totally agreed there. OP, I'm glad you talked to your SO about it and that it works for both of you that you run the check on him.

This makes me wonder about something I've done in the past. I have asked for current STI screen results from potential partners. Not because I don't trust them when they say they are ok, or thought they were promiscuous, but because it made me feel better to know. I've been asked to test myself, as well. I haven't yet had to deal with the scenario of "what if they find something wrong", so I am not sure how I would handle dealing with that. It would depend on the relationship we had and what the findings were, and other things I guess. Same thing with a background check, I suppose. I never felt like I was being extreme or untrusting when I asked for an STI test, just responsible. But was I being extreme? Did it show a lack of trust?

Of course you can't really do a secret STI screen so maybe the comparison isn't great!

[Mims27]

If you ask them permission before hand and they are ok with you doing it, then sure, go for it. Although, I would be pretty surprised and kind of hurt if my partner asked me that. You know what I mean? But maybe it's better than going behind the person's back and doing it and then having them find out later. I'm not negating your situation or anything. What happened to you sucks, big time! Just trying to see it from the other point if view. To me it's kind of like, going through your SO's phone to see if they are up to no good when you have no reason to. That's all.

[sunnymess54]

I totally get the STI screen as well. Anyone can say "oh I'm clean" but really how unless you are tested can you be sure? After finding out the kind of background my Ex had with his random woman I immediately went to get tested and did again 3 and 6 months later. You just have to be certain for your own peace of mind.

As my Ex once told me when I questioned his background "guys will tell you anything or keep secrets to get you into bed"

[sunnymess54]

Totally get it. I understand how it sounds on both sides. Glad this post got attention though from both sides because you just never know especially with the way people are now a days it's better safe than sorry.

[differentcountries]

The STI screen comparison has its flaws, because this is a medical issue and no person knows the truth themselves. No matter how careful you are, you don't have complete overview over the history of every person you or a partner slept with and the test lets you know.

Whereas if you have a criminal record, it is not like you WONDER if you were convicted or not...

If my SO told me, when asked about his backround, anything even remotely similar to what you said, I would be deeply offended and kick him to the curb. Even without a criminal reccord, that is just plain old rude to indicate "don't bother asking me because I will lie to you anyway..." Really, this guy is the guy you had no idea would be a criminal because he was so sweet?

[Ella85]

I misunderstood, if you did it with your partner knowing and he was ok thats different. But if you do it behind their back I would feel hurt if my SO did that to me. I had to have extensive police records done on me for my visa and he's seen my clear record check when I was going though paperwork, but it's nothing we've ever asked of each other. However we did have the STI talk before. I wouldn't ask to see test results, he told me when his last one was done and I told him mine. If I thought it was dodgy I'd ask for us to get tested together but I've never had any reason to doubt him. He's always been very straightforward with me and I with him. It's how we are.

[Stanislava]

I would understand someone doing it because they want to make sure their kids wouldnt be harmed.I think if you have kids , to be a good parent for them you need to make them a priority and make sure they are safe.Thats when i find this appropriate. Otherwise it is a bit extreme and i wouldnt do it even if i was curious but i dont judge anyone who does it .

[sunnymess54]

Yes because it wasn't just how sweet he was that fooled me it was the way he talked, acted, everything he was, was fake. He not only had me fooled but he fooled my family and friends as well. He was like Dr. Jykall and Mr. Hyde.

[Moon]

Without offering an opinion either way, keep in mind that international privacy laws may come into play and you won't be allowed this kind of information. Pretty sure I wouldn't be able to do this for my guy, his country takes personal privacy pretty seriously in many cases.