Background checks and Googling

[BFG]

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[Moon]

[removed by Admin]

Completely rude and uncalled for. You can disagree, even vehemently, without being a jerk.

[sunnymess54]

Actually if you would of actually read my post you would of saw the fact that I stated that we were signing applications for apartments anyways and in his state it requires you to get a background check as well as credit check job references and personal references so it was all information that I had access to... But It wasn't until then after TWO YEARS of being with that person that I found out anything Starting with his children sharing certain things... He could of at anytime voulentarily gave me that information but I had to find out the hard way and doing further check once we started getting "sorry you didn't qualify letters"

Everyone is different, if you felt the need to date a druggie and Ex prostitute etc I'm assuming you didn't have children to consider, if so I'd feel sorry for them... Also if you did date said person an STD test may be in order

[Harlequin]

Actually if you would of actually read my post you would of saw the fact that I stated that we were signing applications for apartments anyways and in his state it requires you to get a background check as well as credit check job references and personal references so it was all information that I had access to... But It wasn't until then after TWO YEARS of being with that person that I found out anything Starting with his children sharing certain things... He could of at anytime voulentarily gave me that information but I had to find out the hard way and doing further check once we started getting "sorry you didn't qualify letters"

Everyone is different, if you felt the need to date a druggie and Ex prostitute etc I'm assuming you didn't have children to consider, if so I'd feel sorry for them... Also if you did date said person an STD test may be in order

Disregard BFG. He was (and has a tendency to be) wrong and a jackass, but please don't throw his s/o under the bus for his actions. She's an innocent party, and she doesn't deserve to be judged so harshly. You don't know anything about her any more than he knows anything about you, and honestly it's dumb that he even aired her business out like that anyway.

Back to being on topic: I've actually done background checks on people, but not anyone I was dating. My friend and I decided to see what some of our...troubled...classmates from high school had been up to since we graduated, and lo and behold, you can actually find criminal records for free through your county or something. I don't remember the site specifically, but it was free and it was thorough.
What your ex did was shitty, and I can't say for sure one way or another how I'd react given that situation. People are capable of hiding some really fucked up things, and when it surfaces, you're damned either way. If someone I was dating decided they needed to get a full background check on me, regardless of whether I knew about it or not, I'd be really freaked out and probably end the relationship shortly thereafter. For me, that would be a sign of hardcore control issues and paranoia, and I've already dated that. Not really looking to do that again. It wouldn't make a difference to me where the control issues or paranoia stemmed from.

But it's different strokes for different folks. Doing a background check or not, you're taking a gamble.

[R&R]

So, what happens if you do find something? That's my question.

I think you can only decide that when you find out what it is.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

So clearly I'm late to this one, but I really don't see why everyone is so upset over this. Before I went on a first date with ANYONE, the first thing I did was run a background check on them. Why? Because it's a smart thing to do. Maybe you don't get the whole story, but at least you have an idea of what you're walking into. I would especially, 100% do it for anyone I met online. All OP was doing was trying to get others to be safe and make sure that their partner isn't keeping things like criminal activity from them. Honestly, it's a very good suggestion! Yes, maybe after two years you should feel like you know your SO well enough to not have to, but damn, I wouldn't ever have to at that point because it would have been done two years ago!

[Cup]

Although I wouldn't do the background check, I totally understand you. After what you've been through you developed a fear. I find it reasonable to not trust yourself after all that. If you dig deep, you may find that it is you that you don't trust. At least that's what I would be thinking and working on. I'd the same thing happened to me, I would probably be background checking too,but because I wouldn't trust myself a while lot anymore. I would lose my trust in my ability in choosing men. It happens for less important reasons, so I can imagine what a criminal record can do.

So thank you for your advice!

[sunnymess54]

Your 100% right. I am and have been working in it and actually seeing someone to help with the trust etc.

[sunnymess54]

Thank you! This is what I was thinking when I wrote the post, I seriously was not expecting so much negativity but to each there own I guess. For me it's a matter of gaining clearity because now a days you just never know.

Yes in two years I should of known however with 90% of it being long distance he made it harder to see him for who he really was. He always put on an act that none the people even close to me who met him saw. If we had been in a "normal" relationship I definitely would of seen things sooner .

Thats why I wrote it, I just wanted others in long distance to realize that we are not in your typical "normal" relationship just as our "honeymoon phase" lasts longer so doesn't seeing the "real person" sometimes.

[sunnymess54]

Yes, that was wrong and after sending it I felt awful. It was very unfair to judge her so harshly.

[whatruckus]

Well, I'm glad I missed BFG's post. What a douchey thing to say.

Anyways, I do see your point. I missed the part where you said you asked your SO for permission. I personally don't agree with it, but then again I wasn't in your shoes.

My Ex (before my former SO), had been arrested a couple of times. He told me that. But, again, I didn't find out how bad the last one was until after we had been dating for at least a year and a half (found a copy of the police report in his room). It's a really ugly, and long, story with his ex before me that I don't feel like getting in to. But, it wasn't the reason why we broke up. We broke up because he was just flat out an asshole and cheated all the time. For me, having background check done on him wouldn't have saved me any trouble because like I said, he was just a major asshole.

[sunnymess54]

This made me chuckle 😄. That was kind of how my ex was, he told me some things but nothing huge, i left it alone and didnt find things out till later on. The more i knew, the more I found out made me rethink things, were they the cause of the break up? No, him being a cheater, lieing and abusing me was the end. He was like you said about your ex "just a major asshole" I SHOULD of walked away earlier, but chose to stay believing him about how he had changed etc. We all do stupid things sometimes.

[whatruckus]

Even with taking all the precautions we can, unfortunately we still can't find out who someone is until we get to know them. Sometimes, it's too late and we're in too deep.

[sasad]

What a douchey thing to say.

it HAS been a douche day with some post lately : )

[sunnymess54]

100000% agree