A Tragic End

[Maxattack]

Good evening LFAD community, first of all, I need to express such immense gratitude to this amazing community. These boards have truly helped me figure out my emotions and how to best deal with this difficult ldr. It's truly amazing seeing so many people help each other in figuring things out.

Tonight, I come here to share my story to an unbiased group in a last effort to vent my feelings and frustrations. Of course, I've talked to my family and my friends, but they're always going to side with me. I suppose I'm here for validation and/or to face the hard truths of my failure, because right now my confidence is destroyed. I apologize in advance for the short novel I may write out, I'm not sure what to expect!

So our almost 4 year story begins in the summer of 2012 where after an amazing senior year of high school we decided that there was more to our relationship than friendship. After some summer romance, we decided to continue our journey together long-distance as I had previously decided to go to a university almost 6 hours away. Our relationship was hard just like many of yours but we learned to communicate well through Skype, phone calls, texts, social media, etc. We experienced so many happy times together (holidays, random trips home, etc.) and apart. But we also experienced sadness, loneliness, and misunderstandings as well. At one point early in our relationship my SO didn't think she could handle an ldr anymore and broke up with me(that all lasted but an hour until my SO "came to her senses" and wanted us back together; of course things had to change and we had to try to be patient with each other).

The next few years were stronger than ever (not easier, but definitely productive). We often talked about our futures together: getting married, having children, traveling, and even aspiring to run a business with each other. During this time I had felt so sure about the life we could have together; Our families loved us (which I must note it was a small challenge to get her father to like me, being non-white and presumably non-Christian). Not only that, but I truly believed that our relationship was unique and special (as I'm sure most of us tend to want to think): we were our first loves, we were the first people we were ever intimate with, we were best friends, we shared dreams, and we had so much in common.

Now, my SO comes from a very religious family (pastor's daughter) and so her faith is immensely important to her. I have always been a Christian myself but I supposed in a more passive way than she may have wanted. This was always one issue with her, small but still important and something I needed her help with and always intended on working on (I suppose I was just too slow at it...). I bring all this up because one of the things that was a common obstacle in our relationship was whether or not to continue being intimate (and in effect continue sinning). We tried to rationalize that our love for each and our intention of eventual marriage trumped the immorality of our actions and the boundaries we continually tried to initiate always failed... We were usually okay with it in and after the moment but I guess we didn't truly realize how much the guilt was slowly eating her up inside. I suppose all of this is the first issue, the weakness in my role as a spiritual leader.

Despite our lack of physical boundaries sometimes, we still were deeply in love. But in the past year she was slowly creeping into minor depression. She had few close friends (mostly from work) and often felt alone (despite the immense family that was close by to her) and felt her life was moving at a really slow pace (something I think can be attributed to her musical aspirations). I tried being there for her and supporting her as much as possible by Skype/phone or by coming home for the weekend at least once a month while I was at school but every time I left her it seemed to fuel her having anxiety of separating again.

About 8 months (Summer 2015) before things went south, I proposed to her, something I thought would help her get through this last year before I graduate and could finally close the distance. For a little bit, it did help, but she reverted back to being sad about our situation again, wanting to get married as soon as possible, hating this distance, being annoyed by the fact that people kept asking her when the wedding would be... To me, it didn't matter what label we had on our relationship, but it mattered to her a lot.

Now a couple months before things when south, our relationship became a little more distant. At this point I still didn't realize how bad things really were. She would talk about how maybe we should wait a little longer to get married (I thought she was just becoming wiser), at one point she asked me if there was anything I wanted to do by myself before we committed to each other (I thought she just needed reassurance that I wanted to be with her), and she even asked me once if I ever thought about being with someone else (again, I thought she needed reassurance).

During these months of confusion, I feel it's important that I include the details of this guy who entered the picture around Christmas time. He was my SO's sister's friend that she decided to bring as a guest to church and so me and my SO met this guy all at the same time. I have to admit that this guy is a pretty cool guy except for the fact that he apparently had some sort of crush on my SO which her sister had informed her of... this, at the time was cute and funny to me and my SO... not so much anymore...

Fast forward to a month ago when things really got bad, my SO would tell me she was confused about what she was feeling and just needed some time and space to figure things out in her head... At this point I came home about every couple weekends because I thought being there would repair whatever doubts she was having. And to me, every time I came home I REALLY thought it helped because things would go back to normal....

Now here's how the breakup went (mind you, a couple months before my graduation and coming home permanently)... It prefaced with her confusion about how she really felt about us... she had prayed a lot and felt that my faith wasn't strong enough and that I lacked the spiritual leadership that she desired. Seemingly all of a sudden, my SO could no longer see much of a purposeful future beyond marriage and children. She felt that I deserved more and that she wasn't putting in the effort that I deserved into the relationship. She expressed how lost she was and how somehow our relationship was turning her into something she detested... On top of all of this she tells me that she felt shame toward me that moment we met that guy I mentioned previously. And in fact, the past few months of this chaos she had been talking/hanging out with him (while explaining to me that she just needed "friends"and that that's all that it was). I trusted her to keep that relationship platonic, but inside I knew the human mind isn't that simple... I guess I was being naive. I'm 99% sure that she never cheated on me (save for the emotional cheating that can come from "friendship"). To me, I feel like a good part of her leaving me is to figure out her feelings for this guy. She explained to me it was like a "moth to a flame"... definitely hurtful. Ultimately it was a combination of things between us that tore us apart and I'm just not sure how much I really caused... And so I decided that above all I would always love her and wanted her happiness and that if she really wanted me to let go, I would do so.

So now I'm feeling blindsided, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, frustrated, angry, hopeless, and honestly... my confidence is shot. I don't know if I could have fixed things (i.e. myself) enough to make a difference and ultimately I feel like I've given up on us. After all the emotional turmoil that she's put me through in the past couple months (and really our whole relationship) I definitely can't see her the same way. I'm more than hurt that after almost 4 years of a totally committed relationship, all of a sudden she's changed heart and wants a break during a time of stress where I actually need her support. At this moment (a week or so after breaking up), I can't even see us as being friends anymore...

I'm sorry this post is incredibly long... I suppose I'm just ranting, but this is my first real relationship and I'm just so lost right now...

tldr; 4 year committed relationship, engaged, then things went south; SO feeling lost and confused because of various things (my lack of spiritual leadership, sexual immorality, most likely another guy, etc.). She decided I'm not what she needs. Is what I'm feeling fair? Do I have growing up to do, or was I stiffed? I'd definitely appreciate any feedback (especially those who rely strongly on their faith).

I really appreciate it if you took the time to even read or respond to this.

[differentcountries]

Sometimes things get worse before closing the distance. I don't think "fair" applies to love. It is about matches and what people want in a relationship. I am sorry you hurt.

[R&R]

I'm sorry you are hurting. The reality is, very rarely is a break-up mutual. One person can put in all the effort that they can, but if the other person is no longer vested, there isn't a lot you can do about it. You can assess the relationship and decide what you may do better in your next relationship and also figure out what wonderful things that you did and that you want to maintain when you become involved with someone else.

Yes, four years is a long time. However, time doesn't guarantee a relationship will last. One of my friends at work has been with her spouse 20 years, 2 kids, house, etc and they are on the cusp of divorce. A relationship continues because both parties want it and put in the effort required to make it work.

[sasad]

I am a Catholic... my dad is a minister in the church, and I grew up in a typical Catholic household. Faith is important to some, and not as important to others. My first husband and I followed ALL the rules, yet ended up divorced. So do I think the spiritual side is mandatory? No. Do I still have my basic c0re values and beliefs? Yes..
You cant be in her head and know what she wants and needs. You can and have been a supportive boyfriend from what I read on your post. Again, this is STRICTLY from what you wrote.
My personal feeling is.. she is young and doesn't really know what she wants. She is finding herself and wants/needs to explore her world.

I am sorry you got hurt, but it IS better now than after a marriage and kids.

You seem like you have your head on straight. Finished college, I assume starting a career.. don't sit and wait to see if she changes her mind. Go out! Have fun! Meet people!

[Maxattack]

Sometimes things get worse before closing the distance. I don't think "fair" applies to love. It is about matches and what people want in a relationship. I am sorry you hurt.

Thank you for your support! You're right, I suppose I just thought that even if we weren't a PERFECT match (which I don't think is ever possible perse), I thought we could at least grow together and adapt to each other's needs.

I'm sorry you are hurting. The reality is, very rarely is a break-up mutual. One person can put in all the effort that they can, but if the other person is no longer vested, there isn't a lot you can do about it. You can assess the relationship and decide what you may do better in your next relationship and also figure out what wonderful things that you did and that you want to maintain when you become involved with someone else.

Yes, four years is a long time. However, time doesn't guarantee a relationship will last. One of my friends at work has been with her spouse 20 years, 2 kids, house, etc and they are on the cusp of divorce. A relationship continues because both parties want it and put in the effort required to make it work.

I appreciate your input! Ya I'm starting to realize that last point. In hindsight I was putting in the brunt of the work (which she admitted) and I suppose I just wanted to be able to sacrifice more of myself now because I know (hypothetically) that there would be times where she would sacrifice a lot too (i.e. Having children for one). And of course I put in more work because I was the one leaving her to go to college after all.

I am a Catholic... my dad is a minister in the church, and I grew up in a typical Catholic household. Faith is important to some, and not as important to others. My first husband and I followed ALL the rules, yet ended up divorced. So do I think the spiritual side is mandatory? No. Do I still have my basic care values and beliefs? Yes..
You cant be n her head and know what she wants and needs. You can and have been a supportive boyfriend from what I read on your post. Again, this is STRICTLY from what you wrote.
My personal feeling is.. she is young and doesn't really know what she wants. She is finding herself and wants/needs to explore her world.

I am sorry you got hurt, but it IS better now than after a marriage and kids.

You seem like you have your head on straight. Finished college, I assume starting ac career.. don't sit and wait to see if she changes her mind. Go out! Have fun! Meet people!

Your thoughts are definitely what I needed and I really appreciate it! I really tried to provide both sides of the story, and I can say for sure when she was sure of us she loved me greatly... And I do agree, better now than so much farther down the road. I guess this whole ordeal has me afraid to go on, realizing how quick people can change their minds because honestly it felt like a switch just went off in her head. But alas, it has only been a week or so. I suppose I just need time.

Thank you all for your kind words, for some reason I was expecting some harsher advice telling me I'm being a weenie! lol

[Chris516]

I am a Catholic... my dad is a minister in the church, and I grew up in a typical Catholic household. Faith is important to some, and not as important to others. My first husband and I followed ALL the rules, yet ended up divorced. So do I think the spiritual side is mandatory? No. Do I still have my basic c0re values and beliefs? Yes..
You cant be in her head and know what she wants and needs. You can and have been a supportive boyfriend from what I read on your post. Again, this is STRICTLY from what you wrote.
My personal feeling is.. she is young and doesn't really know what she wants. She is finding herself and wants/needs to explore her world.

I am sorry you got hurt, but it IS better now than after a marriage and kids.

You seem like you have your head on straight. Finished college, I assume starting a career.. don't sit and wait to see if she changes her mind. Go out! Have fun! Meet people!

OP, I have to agree with this.

I didn't become a Christian until I was 19. Within a year, I met the woman who I thought I would be with the rest of my life. Her parents' and respective step-parents', are sort of like your former SO's parents'. They weren't 'of the cloth'. But committed to their faith. As ELCA(Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) Lutherans, my (ex)wife's parents' were heavily involved in the church. Where one of them might have the assignment for the Sunday (liturgical)service to deliver the first or second reading as assistant minister. I was even involved in carrying the cross during the service. Because, I was seeing a heavy lack of participation from the kids in the congregation. Who were the ones' mostly tasked with that assignment. I didn't like the pastor being let down by the kids. So, I finally told the pastor I would do it full time because the kids were undependable.

Now, When I was officially baptized an ELCA-Lutheran. My (ex)wife's father n' step-mother were my 'representatives'. Because my parents' are Agnostic. Even though my mother was raised Presbyterian, and my father was raised Methodist.

My (ex)wife showed very little interest in the serious nature of going to church. We went to church(I would go to church with her n' her family because my parents' are pretty much Agnostics). But if she were given a choice. She didn't see a point in going. She cheated on me before the marriage. But since we were not married. I forgave her and told her. If she wanted to be with the other guy. That would be entirely her choice. She chose me. While I was elated. Her 'lack of interest' in church also extended to my health, too. I have had lifelong physical health issues' that, when one of them 'reared its' ugly head'. She just stared at me. She didn't react.

How my (ex)wife relates to your SO in broad sense. Is the lack of commitment. They aren't as committed or have strong ideals. Like you or I.

[Gracehopper]

i know the feelings of what you've been through, i had an ex our religious was totally different (he's Buddhist and i'm Catholic) i remember my mom told us, it doesn't matter about the religion, it's a matter of being with your partner, mentally, physically and emotionally and in some how you both still believe in god. you can't tell some couples are having a same religion, but in the end they are not for each other.

i hope that you will feel better, soon...

[Chris516]

i know the feelings of what you've been through, i had an ex our religious was totally different (he's Buddhist and i'm Catholic) i remember my mom told us, it doesn't matter about the religion, it's a matter of being with your partner, mentally, physically and emotionally and in some how you both still believe in god. you can't tell some couples are having a same religion, but in the end they are not for each other.

i hope that you will feel better, soon...

In the Bible, That is referred to as being 'unequally yoked'. If you could care less what it says in the Bible. Then there is no problem. Like my second-cousin and her husband of 36yrs.. She is a Christian, but he isn't.

But, I do care what it says in the Bible, and won't be in a relationship with someone that isn't a Christian.

[Maxattack]

OP, I have to agree with this.

I didn't become a Christian until I was 19. Within a year, I met the woman who I thought I would be with the rest of my life. Her parents' and respective step-parents', are sort of like your former SO's parents'. They weren't 'of the cloth'. But committed to their faith. As ELCA(Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) Lutherans, my (ex)wife's parents' were heavily involved in the church. Where one of them might have the assignment for the Sunday (liturgical)service to deliver the first or second reading as assistant minister. I was even involved in carrying the cross during the service. Because, I was seeing a heavy lack of participation from the kids in the congregation. Who were the ones' mostly tasked with that assignment. I didn't like the pastor being let down by the kids. So, I finally told the pastor I would do it full time because the kids were undependable.

Now, When I was officially baptized an ELCA-Lutheran. My (ex)wife's father n' step-mother were my 'representatives'. Because my parents' are Agnostic. Even though my mother was raised Presbyterian, and my father was raised Methodist.

My (ex)wife showed very little interest in the serious nature of going to church. We went to church(I would go to church with her n' her family because my parents' are pretty much Agnostics). But if she were given a choice. She didn't see a point in going. She cheated on me before the marriage. But since we were not married. I forgave her and told her. If she wanted to be with the other guy. That would be entirely her choice. She chose me. While I was elated. Her 'lack of interest' in church also extended to my health, too. I have had lifelong physical health issues' that, when one of them 'reared its' ugly head'. She just stared at me. She didn't react.

How my (ex)wife relates to your SO in broad sense. Is the lack of commitment. They aren't as committed or have strong ideals. Like you or I.

Very interesting. Reading your post actually made me think I was your (ex)-wife and my former SO was you. See she's the one who's disappointed in herself for disobeying the Word. Her faith and her knowledge is definitely stronger than mine, but it is something I've always intended to grow in. The thing is she is very committed to the Lord (she serves as worship leader at her church) and so our relationship in a way was tearing her apart from the ideals that she always intended to keep. And this was a fault on my end for the reason our relationship ending, my lack of conviction I suppose.

But I kind of get where you are coming from. I don't think it's that she lacks in her ideals, because she definitely has them. It's just that she had not practiced them in the course of our relationship (which I am forever ashamed of allowing her to do so....). I mean I know it's not all my fault that she lost her way (and she has assured me that it's not) but part of being a Christian man is taking charge and being a role model. I think we've both realized that we weren't role models for each other.

You are a much better man than I am for forgiving your ex for cheating on you. I don't think my SO cheated on me (at least not physically), and yet I still find it so hard to forgive her for pretty much leaving me to see if the grass could be greener on the other side... I know things will take time, but I can't even think about her without feeling all sorts of frustration and betrayal. God bless Christ516.

Thank you for your input, especially your religious feedback.

i know the feelings of what you've been through, i had an ex our religious was totally different (he's Buddhist and i'm Catholic) i remember my mom told us, it doesn't matter about the religion, it's a matter of being with your partner, mentally, physically and emotionally and in some how you both still believe in god. you can't tell some couples are having a same religion, but in the end they are not for each other.

i hope that you will feel better, soon...

Thank you for you thoughts! I have to say though religion is a huge thing for her and it is important to me as well.

[Chris516]

Very interesting. Reading your post actually made me think I was your (ex)-wife and my former SO was you. See she's the one who's disappointed in herself for disobeying the Word. Her faith and her knowledge is definitely stronger than mine, but it is something I've always intended to grow in. The thing is she is very committed to the Lord (she serves as worship leader at her church) and so our relationship in a way was tearing her apart from the ideals that she always intended to keep. And this was a fault on my end for the reason our relationship ending, my lack of conviction I suppose.

But I kind of get where you are coming from. I don't think it's that she lacks in her ideals, because she definitely has them. It's just that she had not practiced them in the course of our relationship (which I am forever ashamed of allowing her to do so....). I mean I know it's not all my fault that she lost her way (and she has assured me that it's not) but part of being a Christian man is taking charge and being a role model. I think we've both realized that we weren't role models for each other.

You are a much better man than I am for forgiving your ex for cheating on you. I don't think my SO cheated on me (at least not physically), and yet I still find it so hard to forgive her for pretty much leaving me to see if the grass could be greener on the other side... I know things will take time, but I can't even think about her without feeling all sorts of frustration and betrayal. God bless Christ516.

Thank you for your input, especially your religious feedback.



Thank you for you thoughts! I have to say though religion is a huge thing for her and it is important to me as well.

I can't think of my (ex)wife. Without thinking of all the things she should have done, but didn't do. Then all the things she did. that she shouldn't have done.

[Chris516]

Very interesting. Reading your post actually made me think I was your (ex)-wife and my former SO was you. See she's the one who's disappointed in herself for disobeying the Word. Her faith and her knowledge is definitely stronger than mine, but it is something I've always intended to grow in. The thing is she is very committed to the Lord (she serves as worship leader at her church) and so our relationship in a way was tearing her apart from the ideals that she always intended to keep. And this was a fault on my end for the reason our relationship ending, my lack of conviction I suppose.

But I kind of get where you are coming from. I don't think it's that she lacks in her ideals, because she definitely has them. It's just that she had not practiced them in the course of our relationship (which I am forever ashamed of allowing her to do so....). I mean I know it's not all my fault that she lost her way (and she has assured me that it's not) but part of being a Christian man is taking charge and being a role model. I think we've both realized that we weren't role models for each other.

You are a much better man than I am for forgiving your ex for cheating on you. I don't think my SO cheated on me (at least not physically), and yet I still find it so hard to forgive her for pretty much leaving me to see if the grass could be greener on the other side... I know things will take time, but I can't even think about her without feeling all sorts of frustration and betrayal. God bless Christ516.

Thank you for your input, especially your religious feedback.

I forgave her for cheating on me. But I told her about my physical health issues, when we started dating. When I had a seizure in bed. She ran out of the bedroom. That was when, I knew the severity. Not just of her ignorance. But also that of her parents'.

When we were dating. I chewed her step-mother out about how she treated my (ex)wife. Compared to her siblings. Then I did the same thing with her mother.

[Maxattack]

I forgave her for cheating on me. But I told her about my physical health issues, when we started dating. When I had a seizure in bed. She ran out of the bedroom. That was when, I knew the severity. Not just of her ignorance. But also that of her parents'.

When we were dating. I chewed her step-mother out about how she treated my (ex)wife. Compared to her siblings. Then I did the same thing with her mother.

Wow.... That sounds really complicated. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that in a relationship that didn't seem to work out in the end...

I really want to be as forgiving as you if ever I have to face something like that in my future. Proportionally, 4 years is a long time (I'm 22) so I feel as though I'm giving up on something that could be worth it in the end. But then I remember she's the one who abandoned me... So I guess there's that... lol

Thank you for elaborating a little.

[Chris516]

Wow.... That sounds really complicated. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that in a relationship that didn't seem to work out in the end...

I really want to be as forgiving as you if ever I have to face something like that in my future. Proportionally, 4 years is a long time (I'm 22) so I feel as though I'm giving up on something that could be worth it in the end. But then I remember she's the one who abandoned me... So I guess there's that... lol

Thank you for elaborating a little.

My (ex)fiance w/ OCD notwithstanding. When it came to my developmentally disabled (ex)wife, then my (ex)fiance(w/ Bi-Polar Disorder). I fought for both of them. They pretty much paid me back by blaming me for everything. Especially in couples' counseling. The respective couples' counselors'. Bought their lies hook-line-and-sinker. I never saw a need for counseling with the one w/ OCD. Because she was never critical. She did obsess. But she was never outright. Critical, or brutal.

[Maxattack]

My (ex)fiance w/ OCD notwithstanding. When it came to my developmentally disabled (ex)wife, then my (ex)fiance(w/ Bi-Polar Disorder). I fought for both of them. They pretty much paid me back by blaming me for everything. Especially in couples' counseling. The respective couples' counselors'. Bought their lies hook-line-and-sinker. I never saw a need for counseling with the one w/ OCD. Because she was never critical. She did obsess. But she was never outright. Critical, or brutal.

Wow. It's really great though how you at least tried to stick through it and do tour due diligence to keep the relationship.

I guess I've been really wondering lately, at what point is it considered giving up on the relationship. It's only been almost a month since we broke up and I have no intention to get in contact with her...