Girlfriend going out with guy. Need advice

[sam.us]

Need some advice. I met my long distance girlfriend at her country several years ago and we've been seeing other ever since every 6 months. She is independent, very warm and we love each other. My girlfriend went on a trip to another country for business. There, of course, she met some new colleagues.
As part of the whole business deal, an employee from that firm in the country she visited, has to come to her business and work for one month temporarily.

Here's the problem.
She has been telling me that she has been inviting this one man, from his country, out on a lot of tourist places in her city where she lives. She spent the entire day with him taking him out to places and having lunch. Now she tells me that she's going to spend another day showing him other touristic parts of the city. I don't know why she is so nice to this guy. Obviously, it sounds like he invited her outside to a lot of touristic spots (she never told me) and now she is reciprocating.

This really bothers me because she really does not have to take this guy and spend so much time on tourist spots. It should really only be business related. I didn't tell her anything about how I feel. A side of me tells me that she likes this guy a lot, (why would she be spending so much time with him) or he could have strong feelings towards her. You never know what goes on in a guys head.

Another side tells me that, if she was truly interested in this man, why would she be telling me everything?
I want to remain alpha, non-jealous, and non-possessive. I know women like that in a man.

What should I do? Should I talk to her, and risk the entire relationship? Or should I leave it alone and ignore it?

[Redheart14]

If she says it's purely work, all you can do is trust her.

[R&R]

He's a work colleague. She has stepped up to the plate and is making his stay better than just having to go back to his hotel room or wander the city on his own. Maybe she is one of the few who has the extra time to be able to do it. She's being nice to a fellow employee.

And yes, she comes home and tells you about her day and what they did and where they went. She is involving you with her day. I'm sure if you were there, that you would be invited along as well.

[HisLittleBear]

I think you should ignore it. Sounds like she is just showing someone her city is all.

[sam.us]

Thank you for all your answers. But, if she keeps inviting him out where do I draw the line though? I don't know if I should be setting boundaries for her not to cross. What would be considered unacceptable in her going out with this guy?

I could be paranoid, but it could be very possible that that she might invite him out to a suburban town for more touristic sites. Or he can insist that they both stay overnight or even two nights at a hotel in a town in the outskirts for the weekend, and me back in my own country worrying about all this. Should I still not say anything or is that crossing the line? For me, I feel that if she did that I would definitely end the relationship right there.

I could be overthinking this and be thinking the worst, but sometimes this happens. Many times a relationship starts out very innocently as friends from work, and then spending entire days with each other (which is what she is doing), then can build on that into a more serious, romantic relationship.

So, where would I draw the line? Should I not say a word on the phone call when she is telling me about her days with him or when she tells me her other plans with him in the next couple days?

[Mims27]

But, if she keeps inviting him out where do I draw the line though? I don't know if I should be setting boundaries for her not to cross. What would be considered unacceptable in her going out with this guy?

Drawing the line and setting boundaries? I hope you are kidding. Women CAN be friends with men without it being physical or emotional. She is being honest about doing touristy stuff with him (a colleague), to you. What do you have to worry about? You should trust your girlfriend is all. Unacceptable is her hiding it from you, and being physical with this man.

[QueenD]

Drawing the line and setting boundaries? I hope you are kidding. Women CAN be friends with men without it being physical or emotional. She is being honest about doing touristy stuff with him (a colleague), to you. What do you have to worry about? You should trust your girlfriend is all. Unacceptable is her hiding it from you, and being physical with this man.

Totally agree. I think instead of trying to set rules for your girlfriend, you need to talk to her about what's going on. And what's going on is that for some reason you are feeling insecure in your relationship. I'd bet my hat that it has to do with more than her just showing a colleague tourist sites, too. Is it that you feel she pulled away recently? Are you anxious because you aren't sure when you are going to see her? Are you ready to talk about closing the distance and worried that she isn't? Whatever it is, figure out why you are feeling insecure and speak to her lovingly about that. It will be far more productive.

[crazycarrie06]

I wish my SO and I had discussed this *before* I left for Peace Corps. This exact thing caused a bit of a fight for us early in my service.

So, I'm the crazy jealous type, which seems paradoxical since I *do* trust him. I just think it's more like 'ugh a girl is doing fun stuff with him and it's not me' rather then 'omg he's gonna leave me for her'. So, I told him I'd like to know who he's hanging around but I don't want to know every detail of what he does with said girl because it will upset me. Rule for him is - as long as he's doing something he *can* tell me about, then I have no problem with it and he doesn't need to tell me, unless I ask.

My SO is the opposite. For him, my telling him means that I'm not doing anything that I shouldn't be doing. So, we both established that.

I would nut up if he gave me boundaries beyond 'don't do anything you have to hide from me' - I'm an adult woman and would not tolerate 'boundaries' in a close-distance relationship. It smacks of controlling and I would instantly get defensive and be angry about it. There is a big difference between saying 'it bothers me that you're....' and 'you can't do xyz'.

Also, maybe you should reflect - are you jealous because you think she's up to something she shouldn't be - or is more jealousy because you can't be there to share in things with her all the time. That's a real jealousy but it's also something that's gonna keep happening and you need to find a way to deal with it. Like I said for me, it's best that my SO not tell me all the time about things like that. I ask about his day and if he mentions 'oh I went to Melody's party....' I may ask for more info out of genuine interest in his life - or I may chose to change the subject to save my own jealousy. But I recognize it's on me to deal with that monster - and not on him (though he does respect my feelings on it).

I think I got ramble-y

[sam.us]

Definitely unacceptable is when she would be hiding something from me, and being physical with this man. But there is no way of knowing when you're thousands of miles away. I'm just going to have to trust her. Crazyzcarrie, I guess I'm jealous because she is sharing all these adventures with him and I'm not there. And I have no way of telling if he is attracted to her or not and perhaps would like to continue on this relationship with her more seriously. Wish I was there lol. I think I'm going to have to talk to her about this and not setup any rules or anything like that lol.

[Mims27]

There is a way of knowing though. You have to talk to her about it and then trust that she is being honest. You are most likely jealous that you can't do those things with her, which is understandable but maybe talking to her will make you feel better and it will reassure you that everything is ok. Definitely no setting up rules. lol Good luck!

[crazycarrie06]

Also, this is relevant

https://www.collegehumor.com/post/70...our-girlfriend

[whatruckus]

I wish my SO and I had discussed this *before* I left for Peace Corps. This exact thing caused a bit of a fight for us early in my service.

So, I'm the crazy jealous type, which seems paradoxical since I *do* trust him. I just think it's more like 'ugh a girl is doing fun stuff with him and it's not me' rather then 'omg he's gonna leave me for her'. So, I told him I'd like to know who he's hanging around but I don't want to know every detail of what he does with said girl because it will upset me. Rule for him is - as long as he's doing something he *can* tell me about, then I have no problem with it and he doesn't need to tell me, unless I ask.

My SO is the opposite. For him, my telling him means that I'm not doing anything that I shouldn't be doing. So, we both established that.

I would nut up if he gave me boundaries beyond 'don't do anything you have to hide from me' - I'm an adult woman and would not tolerate 'boundaries' in a close-distance relationship. It smacks of controlling and I would instantly get defensive and be angry about it. There is a big difference between saying 'it bothers me that you're....' and 'you can't do xyz'.

Also, maybe you should reflect - are you jealous because you think she's up to something she shouldn't be - or is more jealousy because you can't be there to share in things with her all the time. That's a real jealousy but it's also something that's gonna keep happening and you need to find a way to deal with it. Like I said for me, it's best that my SO not tell me all the time about things like that. I ask about his day and if he mentions 'oh I went to Melody's party....' I may ask for more info out of genuine interest in his life - or I may chose to change the subject to save my own jealousy. But I recognize it's on me to deal with that monster - and not on him (though he does respect my feelings on it).

I think I got ramble-y

This. I'm the same way. When my former SO and I were together, it wasn't that I didn't trust him hanging out with girls. It was that I didn't trust those girls, and like Carrie said, it was more that I was jealous they got to spend time with him.

I think maybe you could be jealous that this guy gets to spend time with her and you don't. At least, not right now. I don't see anything wrong with her inviting him out, especially if he's a work colleague and new to the area/just passing through. If she actually hasn't given you any reason to doubt her, then you have nothing to worry about. You could let her know that, yes, this makes you slightly uncomfortable and that anything more would make you really uncomfortable. As in, hanging out in a hotel room alone, etc. But, her taking him out and showing him the sights isn't a big deal, IMO. And, like Carrie I get really jealous really easily. Thanks to my Ex (before my former SO) and my mom putting paranoid thoughts in my head since I was little.

Plus, you mentioned they just go to all the tourist traps. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. As for her being the only one who takes him, like someone suggested, maybe it was designated on her, or maybe they got to be decent friends and he feels more comfortable (and not so awkward) around her. Being someone coming from a different country, and working in an entirely different branch than your home country's, can be really intimidating. You have to trust that she picked you. She's with you. She is open and honest with you and tells you that this is happening. Also, you mentioned this is part of the business deal. And, you mentioned that so far she only took him out once and is doing it another day. Two days of sight seeing isn't much.

[Chris516]

Trust her. Until she gives you a valid reason to feel otherwise.

[HisLittleBear]

Thank you for all your answers. But, if she keeps inviting him out where do I draw the line though? I don't know if I should be setting boundaries for her not to cross. What would be considered unacceptable in her going out with this guy?

I could be paranoid, but it could be very possible that that she might invite him out to a suburban town for more touristic sites. Or he can insist that they both stay overnight or even two nights at a hotel in a town in the outskirts for the weekend, and me back in my own country worrying about all this.

Your trust issues are going to kill this relationship. I think she is an adult enough to say no if he asks her to spend the night somewhere. She is telling you and you're abusing her trust. And the whole insist thing? What? He can suggest it but he can't insist it. She has every right to say no.