How to stop getting my hopes up?

[Alicia6547]

Hi all! My name is Katelyn, and I'm new here, looking for some advice.

My SO and I have only been long distance for 4 months now. We met at college, and were together for a couple of months before he had to relocate for work. Lately, I'm finding myself in a situation where I know that I am setting myself up for heartbreak, and I don't really know what to do.

I'm graduating from college this Saturday. I'm really excited, but I wish more than anything that he could be there to watch me walk. He told me recently, however, that he had been planning since before he left on coming back to surprise me for graduation, but due to a financial situation, would be unable to, and can only watch the livestream that my school puts online. A large part of me wants to believe that he only told me that to lessen my suspicion that he was going to come back, instead of actually accept that he won't be there. I know I need to come to terms with the fact that he won't be coming out here, but I want to believe he's coming.

Also, things that he's been saying lately haven't been making it easier for me to shake that belief. For example, he put in a ton of extra hours at work last week, he was talking about how he won't be in touch most of Friday, because his team at work is leaving early, which if he was coming back, he would have to fly out Friday afternoon. Also, when I mentioned how I'd be staying at my parents house after graduation instead of my apartment (to see family I haven't seen in a while), he responded strangely, like asking why I wasn't going to stay at the apartment where I can sleep in a bed, rather than sleeping on the couch at home.

With every fiber of my being, I want to believe that he is still planning on surprising me, but I know that I need to stop that. If he really isn't coming out here, I'm going to be crushed. I won't be angry or upset with him, I know that he tried, but I'll still be devastated. I know this distance isn't permanent, we've been discussing our closing-the-distance plans a lot as of late, but it's still been so hard. I haven't seen him in 4 months, and I want him to be here for this event. I know that, more than anything, he would want to surprise me rather than tell me outright, but it's gotten to the point where I might be expecting a surprise that might not be coming.

My question is, how can I stop getting my hopes up like this? This might be a stupid problem to be asking about, but I also want to know if anyone else has ever dealt with this kind of situation? Part of me really wants to just ask him outright, but a large part of me is so terrified that he's going tell me that he truthfully isn't coming out here. I would almost rather live in the illusion of him coming out here to surprise me than to accept that he's not, and I know that's not good. Again, I'm completely new to this forum, so if this is in the wrong location or anything like that, I'm sorry. Thank you for reading <3

[differentcountries]

Hi,

it sounds like you are quite new to long distance. Being in love and not being able to see your loved one when you want to can be very hard. Having wishes and hopes are sweet, but they can also hurt us. Knowing you, your SO perhaps wanted to let you know your very specific hopes can't happen.

It sounds like you will have family with you on your big day. Take pictures, send them to him. Perhaps find a way to burn off all of that energy that you put into long distance longing. I did books for a while, and workout, it really helped.

[Alicia6547]

Hi!

This is the first long distance relationship I've ever been in. Most days it's ok, but on big days like this, it's still difficult. I was actually a serious runner before college, and I have a few different hobbies in mind for once the craziness of finals week has ended :P Thank you so much!

[sasad]

I think you are just really hoping he will just show up and surprise you... and when he ask you questions etc., you are reading stuff into them that might now be there. And that is not uncommon

I would just plan for him NOT being able to come. And if he does, it will be a surprise and you will adjust accordingly. Just please don't sit around expecting him.. Go celebrate your walk!!

[Redheart14]

Plans often fall apart but in a LDR it feels even worse, depending on how often you get to see your SO. It's hard, yes, but it's not worth creating resentment towards your SO over circumstances he can't control. He'd already feel bad enough as it is, as hard as it is, put it aside. No need to make him feel worse. Try turn it into a positive and think about how he'll still be watching it via live feed. you could even organise a Skype chat with him afterwards and spend time with him that way. There's still ways he can be there without physically being there.

[TaraMarie]

I know that feeling. And I will say that it's hard. Once or twice I thought my SO wS going to surprise me. He past Christmas he actually did....arriving a day early and showing up at my office. Like the others say, enjoy YOUR day. It would be wonderful if he could be there, but it will still be amazing even if he isn't!