In desperate need of support, should I end it?

[chrelnka]

Hi there,

Me and the guy I met are perfect for each other in every single way. He told me he loved me 5 months after we met, I said it back. He's everything I've ever wanted, he sends me beautiful messages to wake up to every morning, he says the most wonderful things, and he is so incredible. He is in England, and I am on the west coast of the US. 4.5k miles between us and 8 hours in time difference. He wants to come and see me at the end of the year, but a few days ago he surprised me and said that when he is in Canada in July for his cousins wedding, he wants to fly and see me then too (Even though it will be maybe 4 days at most).

I am English too, but have been in the US for 13 years. I'm 22 he is 25. Neither of us however, are willing to move. My mother and I are very close and I could not live more than a few miles from her, she has a lot of health issues and it would break her heart as well as mine. Plus, I dont want to move back to England, there are more opportunities for me here regardless. He completely understands and says he would never expect me to move either. He too is very close with his family and has not said he would move. Neither of us know how this will work. How will we ever spend enough time together physically to know if it is right? If we spend only days together every year? I've been crying a lot this evening, and we are skyping tomorrow to talk. I'm thinking that we should take time apart and try to end it now before it is too late and before I meet him and fall even more head over heels for him. I was so certain of ending it this evening but now im having second thoughts because I dont want to lose him.

I think perhaps I should risk it and meet him, maybe he'll feel differently once he sees me. He's hardly going to say "yes I would potentially be willing to move" to someone who he has not met. But all he says is "I dont know how things will work either but I have faith they will"
My worry is that we will like each other even more when we meet and it will be harder on us in the long run and we have to split up because it isn't going anywhere, as neither of us know how it will work.

Advice please? Thank you so much

[indianlove]

Don't think much.
Let things happen.
I mean no one know the futur, may be he will find solution.
Don't take suddent decision. But while you meet, try to controle your self.
And start thinking about after your meet each other.
You say you are very close to your mother.
You talkd about the situation.??
Let things come step by step. (I am sorry for my english).

[differentcountries]

You have not met. You have dated less than six months. The whole "who will move where"-conversation is very premature.

Making a commitment, like marriage or getting pregnant, is at least partly scary for most people.

Moving to a different country where you don't have a network and have to leave your family behind, is scary for most people.

Having a belief that everything will work out somehow is CRUCIAL in a long distance relationship, because even those who know right away they will get married and who will move where, often face practical challenges that can tire the relationship unless you are aware that the road can be bumpy.

You are right to think that time is of the essence. We have spent 1 month together 3 times and that is a big part of the reason why we are sure we want to be together, because we enjoy the everyday life. I am aware that not everyone has that much vacation/off time, but I know some people arrange it so that one person go when the other one is working, and then they go to the other country and stay together there. It is more expensive in terms on plane tickets, but if having enough time off is the problem that might be a solution.

And million other things. You will find the tips here, on this site!

Don't be afraid to plan your first visit. You need to see each other and I am sure you will enjoy it, and afterwords come here and we will comfort you

[R&R]

I don't think there is anything wrong with meeting up. If he's going to be that close, there is no harm in that.

However, I am going to have to disagree with the others. If you find out that both of you are quite firm in never wanting to move, then to me, there doesn't seem to be a point in continuing. The end goal of an LDR is to eventually be together whether one of you moves to the other or you find a third location that makes you both happy.

When I was 21, I was dating a great guy. We had so much in common, enjoyed each others company, great physical relationship, etc. However, I wanted kids and he didn't. He wanted me to convert to Catholasicm and I had no interest. These were two large items that neither would budge on. Though so many other things were great, these were two things that we just couldn't get past. There was no point in continuing knowing that in the end, we were putting effort into a relationship that was never going to work and we were taking away from time where we could find someone who had the same goals. We parted with no hard feelings. Though it was hard, it was the right thing to do.

[sasad]

I don't think there is anything wrong with meeting up. If he's going to be that close, there is no harm in that.

However, I am going to have to disagree with the others. If you find out that both of you are quite firm in never wanting to move, then to me, there doesn't seem to be a point in continuing. The end goal of an LDR is to eventually be together whether one of you moves to the other or you find a third location that makes you both happy.

When I was 21, I was dating a great guy. We had so much in common, enjoyed each others company, great physical relationship, etc. However, I wanted kids and he didn't. He wanted me to convert to Catholasicm and I had no interest. These were two large items that neither would budge on. Though so many other things were great, these were two things that we just couldn't get past. There was no point in continuing knowing that in the end, we were putting effort into a relationship that was never going to work and we were taking away from time where we could find someone who had the same goals. We parted with no hard feelings. Though it was hard, it was the right thing to do.

THIS!!!!! I so agree... if there is NO compromise, then there will be heartbreak...

[Elizabeth123]

Yes as R&R and sasad said.....LDR are hard and there will be necessary compromises for the relationship to last. Yes, meet each other and explore your relationship. Be honest and communicate with your SO...best wishes to you both!

[chrelnka]

Thank you all so much, I appreciate your valid and helpful advice. I agree that while it might be premature talk (known him for almost 8 months in total, but just under 6 "together") , and neither of us would have plans to move now REGARDLESS of if one of us was willing in the first place, we have talked about it simply because it is long distance, and it something that definitely comes into the equation in this kind of situation. My Mom has expressed this worry too, about how it will work, which is another reason it plays on my mind. So yes, I think that's why it is important that we meet to begin with, I'd hate to let go of it before giving it a real chance. I'm just afraid of getting hurt and the longer it goes on the harder it will be. I'm upset about it now and I haven't even seen him yet. I definitely feel that maybe if we meet, spend time together, he may eventually feel different. We are both in/going into careers that could lead to freelancing, so that would mean working from home and maybe having the ability to have longer time off? Who knows. You are all great and I appreciate all of your opinions!

[Chris516]

Hi there,

Me and the guy I met are perfect for each other in every single way. He told me he loved me 5 months after we met, I said it back. He's everything I've ever wanted, he sends me beautiful messages to wake up to every morning, he says the most wonderful things, and he is so incredible. He is in England, and I am on the west coast of the US. 4.5k miles between us and 8 hours in time difference. He wants to come and see me at the end of the year, but a few days ago he surprised me and said that when he is in Canada in July for his cousins wedding, he wants to fly and see me then too (Even though it will be maybe 4 days at most).

I am English too, but have been in the US for 13 years. I'm 22 he is 25. Neither of us however, are willing to move. My mother and I are very close and I could not live more than a few miles from her, she has a lot of health issues and it would break her heart as well as mine. Plus, I dont want to move back to England, there are more opportunities for me here regardless. He completely understands and says he would never expect me to move either. He too is very close with his family and has not said he would move. Neither of us know how this will work. How will we ever spend enough time together physically to know if it is right? If we spend only days together every year? I've been crying a lot this evening, and we are skyping tomorrow to talk. I'm thinking that we should take time apart and try to end it now before it is too late and before I meet him and fall even more head over heels for him. I was so certain of ending it this evening but now im having second thoughts because I dont want to lose him.

I think perhaps I should risk it and meet him, maybe he'll feel differently once he sees me. He's hardly going to say "yes I would potentially be willing to move" to someone who he has not met. But all he says is "I dont know how things will work either but I have faith they will"
My worry is that we will like each other even more when we meet and it will be harder on us in the long run and we have to split up because it isn't going anywhere, as neither of us know how it will work.

Advice please? Thank you so much

It is fine to be close to one's parents' and family. But not to the point. That you can't be your own person, making decisions about your life.

You both should live in Canada. As a compromise. What prompted your mother to move you to the U.S.?

[sasad]

It is fine to be close to one's parents' and family. But not to the point. That you can't be your own person, making decisions about your life.

You both should live in Canada. As a compromise. What prompted your mother to move you to the U.S.?

Some people are close to their parents, doesn't mean they dictate our lives... I am extremely close to mine, and they have health issues that I WANT to be around to help... that and my grandson is so close to her. I want my son to have the wonderful memories they are creating... My SO is in Florida.. our COMPROMISE is him living here for 3 weeks and we all will go to his home for a week a month if possible... My parents will pass soon enough, and at that point we will change living to Florida. I think its more compassion then dictating tbh in this scenario..


A compromise is an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions. That may not even be an option as it seems like both are close to their families and moving from everyone is harder... It would be similar to me moving to Boston.. sure I have cousins, but where the rest of my family?

[Miasmata]

Some LDRs are fine never making plans to move to one another ... it works for some couples and it doesn't work for others! Make sure you discuss what you two want out of the relationship. Don't commit to lifechanging plans yet, but see what both of your general feelings and wishes are, and where you two would like to see the relationship move, ideally. All the best!