Not dealing with her being happy and me being upset and dealing with LDR first time

[London-Bridge]

Hi there so I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend going on 10 months next month. Shes currently working in America for five months. I cant speak to her all that much because shes working up in the mountains and theres only one place with reception near her camp. When she was able to ring me she sounded happy and excited which I love that she is currently and I'd only want that for her.... but... at the same time I feel terrible and upset and alone and this will sound terrible - but I dont completly like that she sounds fine and that she sounds like shes having fun and doing stuff. I know she misses me but its affecting me more than it is her and I just dont know how to deal with it.

I'm feeling Jealous, upset, alone...
Shes been gone for four days and I've been so anxious and depressed and I just don't know what to do? I could do with some help. Distractions arnt coming easily to me and my friend group is small. Everything reminds me of her and I just want to be able to go to sleep at night and not cry myself to sleep and wake up crying.

[AJG96]

First, welcome to LFAD! Hope that you enjoy your time here.

I know how you feel, and honestly, I hated it. I was in a similar state of mind about a year ago. Not only is this my first LDR, this is my first serious, long term relationship. Basically, my SO had become my social life, while they had their own. I was jealous that my SO was being social with other people, while I'm more introverted.

My advice for you is talk to your girlfriend about this. Communication is key, and I usually feel better after having a conversation with my SO. If you have talked to her, then I'd suggest taking time to enjoy yourself. I know it can hard, but you need to know that you can survive without your girlfriend. As fun as time with her can be, you're your own person. Find things you can enjoy on your own, discover yourself. I hope you can take this advice the right way.

[R&R]

Welcome to LFAD.

Yes, it can be hard to be away from your SO. I know 5 months can seem like a long time, but it really will go by fast. I'm glad that there is a good part of of you that is happy for her. You should be. She is getting to do something new and grow as a person and have some great experiences. As her SO, you should be happy and encouraging.

What did you do for fun before you met her? You did have a life prior to her. It sounds like you have let the relationship and your SO become your life and you have left whatever you had before behind. It is critical that you maintain your individuality when in a relationship. Take this time to get back to things that you did before you met her. Maybe try some things that you might have wanted to but didn't because you were spending time with your SO. It will help you to also have things to discuss with her instead of telling her you aren't handling this well. Yes, you can tell her you miss her, but don't make her feel guilty because she is gone. And when she comes backk, make sure that you continue to grow as an individual as well as a couple.

Your attitidue is also going to be important. If you wake up and think "today is going to be miserable because she's not here and I'm so unhappy" - well, you are going to be miserable and unhappy. If you decide you are going to make the best of each day while she is gone, you will see a change. You do have control over your emotions, so take control. Maybe before you go to bed you can start planning things you want to do when she comes home and that will put you in a better mood as you will be thinking of when she is home.

[JaneEmily]

Welcome to LFAD.

Yes, it can be hard to be away from your SO. I know 5 months can seem like a long time, but it really will go by fast. I'm glad that there is a good part of of you that is happy for her. You should be. She is getting to do something new and grow as a person and have some great experiences. As her SO, you should be happy and encouraging.

What did you do for fun before you met her? You did have a life prior to her. It sounds like you have let the relationship and your SO become your life and you have left whatever you had before behind. It is critical that you maintain your individuality when in a relationship. Take this time to get back to things that you did before you met her. Maybe try some things that you might have wanted to but didn't because you were spending time with your SO. It will help you to also have things to discuss with her instead of telling her you aren't handling this well. Yes, you can tell her you miss her, but don't make her feel guilty because she is gone. And when she comes backk, make sure that you continue to grow as an individual as well as a couple.

Your attitidue is also going to be important. If you wake up and think "today is going to be miserable because she's not here and I'm so unhappy" - well, you are going to be miserable and unhappy. If you decide you are going to make the best of each day while she is gone, you will see a change. You do have control over your emotions, so take control. Maybe before you go to bed you can start planning things you want to do when she comes home and that will put you in a better mood as you will be thinking of when she is home.

I have to agree. Before my own 4yr LDR ended, we always focused on the negative side of the LD. The fact that we didn't have each other by our side or we weren't doing the same things as other LDR couples were doing (or getting to talk to each other less and less due to his work). It became a constant and tedious routine of "but we aren't together" or "when are we going to talk?" and that affected our relationship big time too. Now me and my now former-SO are friends (and are taking baby steps with everything else) and are just working on ourselves but we're still pretty much in each other's daily life, we're focusing on the fact that we do have each other and that we can be happy as individuals. He has been focusing on work, exercising and his own independence and I've been focusing on bettering my mental state (and gaining weight because the negative side of the LD affected my weight big time), leisure time and figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life yet when we do spend time FaceTiming or Whatsapping each other, we're not wrapped up in the whole "why can't you be here?" or "I miss you so much ;-;" and we're more happy to go with the flow and just see where the conversation takes us in a more light-hearted way.

One thing that has helped me a lot, positively, is making a gratitude journal every day. Just a short bullet point list of three things I'm grateful for happening during that particular day - no matter how trivial, dumb or mundane it is to others - it really has helped me see the positive light in everything. Sure you may not get to talk to her often due to the circumstances, and like R&R said but use this time as YOUR time to figure out hobbies you like doing, picking up new skills to better yourself. It really does help.

[douglas2275]

The others touched on some great points. I just briefly want to encourage you to stay strong and patient.

You mentioned that she is generally really happy when she calls you. And this upset you because you're at home missing her like crazy and it sounds like she's having an awesome time without you - please consider another possibility. Now I don't know her or you really but there is a chance that she's happy for another reason. You've been together for ten months and that is great, you're going through a trial but that's okay. All couples go through them. If I were to guess, again just a guess, I would say she is also upset and misses you. She's away from you and yeah perhaps her work is fun or her friends are cool but until she give you a reason to believe otherwise.. She loves you. She's only able to talk to you on rare occasions, and I expect she does not want to use her precious little time with you focusing on the negative portion of this arrangement. She wants you to be happy and wants to be happy with you so of course she will focus on the positive when she talks to you.

One of the things you can do is write to her. Now I know it takes a long time to send letters back and for and can be costly. But you have five months that's enough time. Even if you can't mail them, tell her you are writing them and you can share these moments with her when the five months are up. Love her and support her and always best wishes!