How Do You Do It? Totally Fed Up

[Maria81]

Hi, I'll try and keep it short or I'll go on and on.

Been in a LDR for a good long while now, known him for a few months before we got together properly.

I've briefly done LDR before, one mainly, but it was only two months apart after we met before I moved to be with him.

This one is dragging on and on. And it's the hardest thing ever. I'm not the kind of person that can be happy living like this. For me a relationship is my world, I don't want to be out with others and getting on with my life happily here while he's happily living there. I want us.

I've been very patient because he's got kids and there was some hassle with the mum of one of them last year care wise, all sorted now. He has two mums of his kids, which I find extremely hard as well, I get so jealous of them sharing that with him, even though they used him to get pregnant and he had a vasectomy after the last one because he was scared of getting used again. I want with him everything though.

Just seen him again after three months apart again, and it kills me to say goodbye to him I started crying the night before this time. I hate it. I get jealous of the people he sees in his life, he has a female friend of the family like a mum to him and I'm jealous of her because she's doing things around the house with him that I want to be doing. I get jealous and upset when he's doing things with the kids and the bio mums. Meanwhile I'm in limbo here and not living at all, just waiting. His family friend messages me telling me all the things that she's doing with him, whether she means it bragging I don't know, but it makes me feel like crap and upset and jealous.

Like right now he's got his kids over and his family friend and they're all doing the garden up, I'm sat here totally out of it, feeling annoyed, jealous and grumpy and hurt. I want to be doing everything with him, having everything with him. Which he wants to but how long is a piece of string.

I went to stay with him for about six weeks last year and leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done, I was distraught when I got back here.

We've talked about marriage and it will be me moving to be with him as he can't leave his kids and I wouldn't ask him to, I love his kids.

He's been hurt a lot in the past by women, and used a lot, mistreated, taken for granted, lost everything when it ended, and had his heart broken, and he's scared of that happening again, which is why he says he can't fully get his head around me moving in with him yet, though he really wants it and always talks about it and us doing things together and our life together. I've said that fear is always going to be there, the only way to get rid of it is by doing it and little by little everyday it will lessen until it's gone.

I've been hurt no end of times in the past by men, I'm always too nice and get walked over and hurt. Last one used to chat to girls on his phone, ignore me, having multiple online relationships and sexual online as well, so now I have the issue that I'm paranoid slightly about his phone use, because I'm so so scared of the past repeating itself again. I get jealous of who he's talking to. And he likes to keep in touch with his ex's (others apart from the mums to his kids which I understand) which I don't really feel good about. One of the mums of his kids in particular is still into him which drives me crazy and the other is just as bad. I haven't met them yet though I would be nice for his and the kids sakes and our life.

I do trust him or I wouldn't be in a LDR, I never worry about what he's doing. It's just insecurities on both sides from the past, but they're not going to go away overnight until they're proved to be not true.

Money is an issue as well, he's says at the moment if he can't afford much it's only him going without whereas if I'm there etc. I have nothing now anyway so that wouldn't bother me.

He says it's not easy because of the kids. They like me, always asking when I'm coming back again, I don't see the issue, they'd adapt. I know it's not going to be all roses with him having kids and ex's and what not, but I realise that and accept it. I'm 34 now and want kids, I can't wait around forever for him to decide that he's ready and willing to try move past the fear, but I can't imagine my life without him, with anyone else.

It's all so much fear based with both I don't know what to do. I'd be moving 160 or so miles, taking a risk that he'd not break my heart. And he's risking letting someone into his life again. It's safe at distance, you have someone but they're not in your life actually. I hate that and can't live like this as long as some do. I don't know how you do it. We message almost constantly every day and night. But it's not enough for me, I want real life, I want a life with him and am willing to move to be with him, even though I'm scared of getting hurt again.

I just don't know how to get past the insecurities on both sides and actually move forward with this.

Thank you for reading.

[Chris516]

How do you want kids, biologically, or just by marriage?

[R&R]

All relationships are risks. You either stay together or break up - it's a 50/50 chance. Though our past experiences teach us lessons about what we won't accept in a relationship or things that worked wonderful, you can't each, in essence, punish each other for your past partners actions.

I can only go based on what you say, but the amount of jealousy and making the relationship "your world" isn't healthy. Maybe you should seek out some professional help to help you break down these issues and work on them. Another person should never be your whole world. You should be a 100% whole person and then the relationship should enhance that. Until you can be satisified in yourself, it will make it very difficult to be satisfied in a relationship and it's way too much pressure on your partner.

Best of luck.

[Moon]

I'm sorry to be kind of blunt, but people who make their relationship their whole world simply aren't usually cut out for an LDR. Successful LDR's require a good amount of independence to keep things healthy and thriving. All that jealousy and bad feelings will do you no good, you must learn to control that to have any possibility of success and happiness. These things may be difficult, but you aren't a kid and if you want this badly enough, you need to figure out how to be OK with your situation, keep in mind, you chose this relationship. Making a relationship your world isn't healthy, you need to figure out who you are and what else satisfies you and only then will the loneliness and frustration start to fade. If you put the work in to do this now, you'll be so proud of yourself, and your relationship will grow and become strong. Yeah, it's easier said than done, but aren't most things? Good luck.

[differentcountries]

I think gratefulness is underestimated in LDRs. I am sometimes totally fed up, too. I go dark places and get this feeling that I cant take it any more. But the feeling changes. Life changes.

Looking back, I realize that when things in my life have seen difficult, it is not been JUST because I lived far away from SO, but also because of my health, flat situation, job situation, money situation (that would not be easy even if he lived here) and other things I wanted to change in my life. They are related not just to him and us staying apart, but also my own ability to turn things around and do things for me, and for my family.

Long travels are rewarding but they feel like mini-moves and it is hard to bounce back unless you make it so that after one has used their vacation, the other one comes (unless very expensive plane tickets). They usually come with the price of a tiny depression.

You mention some things that upset you that are not related to living close or at at distance: Trusting each other has to be done regardless of moving. Him having biological children with other women, and having had a vasectomy, will not change by you moving. Money situation, apart from money spent on tickets, will not change by you moving (unless you have a job to move to, it could actually get worse). You have not decided if you want to marry, and how, if possible, you will have more kids than his children. There are enough things to consider. You have to decide on what you need to move, and if you want to take a leap or continue long distance for a while more. I am not sure why you describe your regular life as if it contains nothing joyful, but especially if you are going to be a stepmum and move to a new local community you will need that ability to also make yourself happy and life interesting for yourself.