He is so laid back - it's getting frustrating

[Hollandia]

Laid back is one thing and my husband is very laid back. Priority is another. When we were dating I dealt with a bit of this. You can't let somebody just say they are "laid back" and you end up doing all the work in the relationship. Whether it's travel, or chores in a house, or sexual endeavors.....you get the drift.

It takes two to truly tango, and if you are looking for a dance partner in life, then you will need one that is willing to pull their own weight. I don't need him to be on my timetable all the time since I am very type A but I do need an equal partner. When my husband and I went through this discussion it pretty much came down to me saying, I love you, but I need a partner, and just saying "I am laid back " or "That's not style" only can go so far, sooner or later, it you want to be in my life then you have to find a way to compromise.

My hubby did, so I work to slow down a bit, and he works to speed up a bit. That's what a strong loving couple will do. If your SO won't meet you in the middle then most likely it is best you let go and find somebody else that will.


I wish you the best. Sorry for your pain.

[Katy_G]

Thanks C.C.

Feeling totally gutted at the moment to be honest. I was trying to make plans to go and see him, but he just kept saying it's too hard because then I have to leave again - and then what?

I told him I wouldn't be this frustrated if there was a plan in place to see him - no matter how far away that was. But he won't commit to anything. We left it saying we'd talk again in a few days but it didn't feel very positive.

So sorry to hear this. Hopefully you two can work it out and reach a good place together.

[sasad]

Laid back is one thing and my husband is very laid back. Priority is another. When we were dating I dealt with a bit of this. You can't let somebody just say they are "laid back" and you end up doing all the work in the relationship. Whether it's travel, or chores in a house, or sexual endeavors.....you get the drift.

It takes two to truly tango, and if you are looking for a dance partner in life, then you will need one that is willing to pull their own weight. I don't need him to be on my timetable all the time since I am very type A but I do need an equal partner. When my husband and I went through this discussion it pretty much came down to me saying, I love you, but I need a partner, and just saying "I am laid back " or "That's not style" only can go so far, sooner or later, it you want to be in my life then you have to find a way to compromise.

My hubby did, so I work to slow down a bit, and he works to speed up a bit. That's what a strong loving couple will do. If your SO won't meet you in the middle then most likely it is best you let go and find somebody else that will.


I wish you the best. Sorry for your pain.

Totally agree....being laid back and always making excuses are two different things. You need a partner, Not someone that bounces you or guilts you emotionally.

I hope he either realizes this, or as said above, you find someone that will do this and respect you. Best of luck to you. Xo

[Teacherfairy]

Laid back is one thing and my husband is very laid back. Priority is another. When we were dating I dealt with a bit of this. You can't let somebody just say they are "laid back" and you end up doing all the work in the relationship. Whether it's travel, or chores in a house, or sexual endeavors.....you get the drift.

It takes two to truly tango, and if you are looking for a dance partner in life, then you will need one that is willing to pull their own weight. I don't need him to be on my timetable all the time since I am very type A but I do need an equal partner. When my husband and I went through this discussion it pretty much came down to me saying, I love you, but I need a partner, and just saying "I am laid back " or "That's not style" only can go so far, sooner or later, it you want to be in my life then you have to find a way to compromise.

My hubby did, so I work to slow down a bit, and he works to speed up a bit. That's what a strong loving couple will do. If your SO won't meet you in the middle then most likely it is best you let go and find somebody else that will.


I wish you the best. Sorry for your pain.

This is exactly the way I felt it was going. Me putting all the effort in. Whenever I try to have an honest conversation with him like you did with your hubby, he just accuses me of being negative and 'moaning'.

If I'm being honest I think he's always been scared of the distance not working for us. So everytime there is a hint that it's not working he sees it as confirmation that he's right and he panics and runs away because he doesn't want to deal with it. Which in turn has made me less open with him because I've been scared of pushing him away.

[Miasmata]

I totally get being anxious about making things work, but that dude is all about making that a self-fulfilling prophey, good lord! Of course it can't work out if he invests no effort because he's scared it won't work out. A relationship is basically one big trust exercise, and part of that is trusting each other that you can pull on the same rope, that you can move in the same direction together. If he doesn't even have the maturity to discuss matters like these eye to eye (instead of calling it "moaning", jesus), then I'm concerned how much he's clinging to his negative view of the situation, rather than actually being interested in making the situation work.

[Teacherfairy]

I totally get being anxious about making things work, but that dude is all about making that a self-fulfilling prophey, good lord! Of course it can't work out if he invests no effort because he's scared it won't work out. A relationship is basically one big trust exercise, and part of that is trusting each other that you can pull on the same rope, that you can move in the same direction together. If he doesn't even have the maturity to discuss matters like these eye to eye (instead of calling it "moaning", jesus), then I'm concerned how much he's clinging to his negative view of the situation, rather than actually being interested in making the situation work.

Definitely. To be honest it's made me realise how much effort I've been trying to put in to make it work. I'm exhausted. I obviously don't want it to end and am feeling pretty rubbish at the moment, but I think I need to take a step back and let him work out what he wants.

[Jelly11]

Sorry to hear this!! I can imagine how much it hurts when all you were trying to do is try to out some effort into the relationship in order to make it work. The situation (and your guy) sounds so similar to my own so I totally empathise.

How long have you been together?

[Teacherfairy]

We met over Christmas 2014. Dated for about 6 months but the distance got too much back then and at the time there was not even a hint of an end point. So we lost touch for a while. We reconnected again about 6 months ago and had really missed each other. So thought we'd give it another shot/see how it goes.

I think we both still had our concerns because the distance is still there and that's what broke us last time. But we've spoken pretty much every day and it's getting closer to him being ready to come back home so I really thought it could work this time.

[Redheart14]

I'm really sorry. Just remember you deserve to be with someone who puts in as much effort to see you as you do to see them.

[Teacherfairy]

I'm really sorry. Just remember you deserve to be with someone who puts in as much effort to see you as you do to see them.

Thanks Redheart. I know - but at the same time I'm really not quite ready to give up on us just yet.

I've taken a step back to think about things and we're going to talk again in the week at some point.

[Redheart14]

Thanks Redheart. I know - but at the same time I'm really not quite ready to give up on us just yet.

I've taken a step back to think about things and we're going to talk again in the week at some point.

Hopefully it works out

[Teacherfairy]

Hopefully it works out

I hope so. I think we've both been avoiding talking about it since. We're supposed to be talking either tonight or tomorrow.

Feeling incredibly down and crap about it all today. Think I've just been ignoring it for most of the weekend and pretending it isn't happening.

[sasad]

I hope so. I think we've both been avoiding talking about it since. We're supposed to be talking either tonight or tomorrow.

Feeling incredibly down and crap about it all today. Think I've just been ignoring it for most of the weekend and pretending it isn't happening.

I hope it works out for you.....just please don't think this was your fault in any shape or form. You really have not asked for much at all. Xo

[Teacherfairy]

I hope it works out for you.....just please don't think this was your fault in any shape or form. You really have not asked for much at all. Xo

Thank you. I'm totally torn as to how to react. I want to say a huge thank you to everybody here though who has taken the time to reply. Re-reading these posts is giving me so much more perspective.

I'm really not sure what I would do without this forum.

[MariaEx]

Just by reading your posts, I am guessing your SO might be a commitment phobe. I don't know his age and his relationship history but I would suggest avoiding discussing the subject with him for a week or so. But talk to him everyday and write down everything he says regarding everything that seems relevant from his relationship with his family to his everyday life. Reread what you learned about him, assess him and approach him. He probably doesn't want to be rushed into anything, you are stealing him of his spontaneity, his time, his space (his thoughts). Bring up the subject again when he feels relaxed, right now he feels like a trapped animal.
I am suggesting all these only if you think he is worth your time, energy and love.
Best of luck