It feels like it's failing already...feel so unconnected

[Jelly11]

It's literally only been like two weeks since I got back from our second meet up (in two months) and yet it feels like it's dwindling.

Text chat is a killer. Small talk kills me. We are so much better than that. Yet sometimes I can tell he's not in the mood to talk.

On the phone or Skype he sounds just tired and as if he doesn't wanna speak and I can feel the conversations struggling. Silence is fine sometimes but I don't want it to be become too much yet I hate feeling I'm forcing the conversation. We used to talk for hours and it would flow so naturally. Now I feel like a stranger tbh.

We used to have phone *stuff* all the time (not the adult forum so don't wanna say too much) but since we met up and have actually done all that stuff, I think it no longer works for both of us because it's a bad replacement.

He's very...hmm insensitive might be the best word. He's not good with reassurance so he hardly ever says anything nice like "I miss you", his rationale being that it should be obvious. So I'm left guessing which I'm not good at at all. I wanna talk to him about all this because it feels like we are dying but it seems every time we talk these days it's me bringing up something that's bothering me and I'd rather not push him further away.

He started a new job this week which has taken over his head a little so I'm hoping maybe he's been too preoccupied to even notice it feels we are falling apart.

How to keep the "connected" feeling without being there? :/

[Miasmata]

How much time does he invest in the relationship? Does he show he wants to spend time with you? Is he generally bad at having serious talks with you? How is it in person VS long distance?

[QueenD]

I think a lot of what you are going through is perfectly normal.

With regard to things seeming off kilter after a visit - that happens ALL THE TIME for me. I am usually grumpy for 5-10 days after a visit, and when you factor in that usually I am having to catch back up on the rest of my life after a visit, especially if I travel, it means that we are often dealing with less communication that isn't as high quality for a while.

If he is dealing with the stress of a job switch, then I can see it being even more of an issue. My advice is to be patient and ask him what he needs to deal with the stress. For my guy, sometimes the answer is just that he needs to be left the heck alone for a bit, so I will back off a bit, mail a letter instead of insisting on a phone call, or take similar action that will show him I care. I distinctly remember one time recently when he was overworked and super stressed. And I texted him and said "if I were there, i would give you a great big hug, make you a cup of tea, and then leave you the hell alone for a couple of hours." He said that was perfect.

[Jelly11]

How much time does he invest in the relationship? Does he show he wants to spend time with you? Is he generally bad at having serious talks with you? How is it in person VS long distance?

I find it hard to put a figure on time when it's long distance. We will have a couple of long phone/Skype sessions a week.

He doesn't show he wants to spend time with me to be honest. If I say I miss him he will agree but he says he doesn't like to talk about it as it makes it harder, but if I want to it's fine. He is fine with serious talks but I bring them up. In person it is fantastic. He shows his affection through actions and company which is why I generally feel quite unwanted when we are in a block of distance :/

I think a lot of what you are going through is perfectly normal.

With regard to things seeming off kilter after a visit - that happens ALL THE TIME for me. I am usually grumpy for 5-10 days after a visit, and when you factor in that usually I am having to catch back up on the rest of my life after a visit, especially if I travel, it means that we are often dealing with less communication that isn't as high quality for a while.

If he is dealing with the stress of a job switch, then I can see it being even more of an issue. My advice is to be patient and ask him what he needs to deal with the stress. For my guy, sometimes the answer is just that he needs to be left the heck alone for a bit, so I will back off a bit, mail a letter instead of insisting on a phone call, or take similar action that will show him I care. I distinctly remember one time recently when he was overworked and super stressed. And I texted him and said "if I were there, i would give you a great big hug, make you a cup of tea, and then leave you the hell alone for a couple of hours." He said that was perfect.

Thanks for this. Sounds quite similar. I definitely think we have been on a slump since I came back! How long do you normally back off for a bit? He is quite independent and I know he likes his own space but I often wonder how long of giving him his own space until it becomes a bit of a joke and bordering on neglecting me!