Mom putting worries in my mind

[chrelnka]

Hi there, so firstly, my Mom is just looking out for me and she trusts my judgement, etc. I'm an adult and this is my first relationship so of course she is going to be worried but I love her dearly and hold her judgement over anybody elses. She hasn't seen the side of him that I see of him, so I understand her being reserved even though she is perfectly fine with me seeing him. I know that she will like him when she meets him.

My SO is coming to visit me in August for 6 days and my Mom keeps saying things like "you might not like his body odor, or the way he chews, little things might annoy you, he's coming for 6 days and that's a long time if you dont get on" and "I hope he's as lovely as you think he is..." he says lovely things to me all the time, repeatedly, and she keeps bringing up my biological father/her first husband saying "he said all the right things to me and swept me off my feet but none of it meant anything, please be wary. Most men are interested in one thing, I hope he doesnt think you'll be staying in his hotel with him overnight" which I have assured her will not be happening, he is not like that but because she has had some bad experiences with men, she is worried he will be too. Although she did say earlier "if he is what you say he is, he's very special and rare" Again, I understand her being like this but it's kind of getting me down a bit and making me dread the whole thing.

He is very close with his mom like I am and neither of us are sure how it will work out in the end, but for now we are just seeing each other for the first time and we will go from there I guess. She my mom says things like "yeah but if it does work, and he moves here, all of your vacation time will be to go see his family if you have grandchildren". If it wasn't already enough I told her I wouldn't be moving away to another country to begin with, now shes talking about my "potential vacation time being taken up by seeing his family" and the biggest one is "how will you ever spend enough time with him in the real world to know if it will work? He will miss his mom so much especially if you have kids"

It kind of brings me down a bit because it's already tough as it is and I just wish she wouldnt put more doubt in my mind. I'm not committing to anything, im not in any rush to get married. I havent even known him for a year yet. I have told her this but I dont know...I am constantly reassuring her and it isnt like it's brought up every day - just every time he is mentioned she puts a dampener on it and isn't even slightly happy about the situation (she has cried at the thought of me leaving her, it wont happen regardless, I wouldnt want to nor would I want to leave the country, I have a better life here. I think this is what the whole thing stems from, her fear of me leaving) I just wish she would be happier for me? But I guess that cant really happen until she knows him and sees that he's a good guy.

[C.C.]

Well I can understand where she is coming from, both the fear of you leaving and protectiveness.

Can't you talk to her and explain all this to her? Like maybe tell her that you understand where she is coming from and her worries, but how it makes you feel despite that. And ask her to at least wait and make up her mind and show judgement (if she has any) only AFTER she sees him. Don't reassure her that she is a good guy or something, as you have said it, it won't work until she sees him, so just avoid talking about all that (I mean consequences of meetup, not him) altogether.

And also, the things she talks about, as much as they come from the general worrying she has, are really early to talk about. Basically the whole conversations you have described are things neither of you will know properly until it happens. And if she trusts your decision, she should trust your handling of things gone wrong a bit more as well. But, eh, mothers want to make us avoid hurtful situations so much sometimes lol.

[Miasmata]

Sorry if you mentioned this and I just haven't seen it, but has your mother talked to your partner via phone or Skype call, ideally with webcam? Has she actually contacted him at all or is she simply going off of her preconceptions about the matter?

[LivingInWonderland]

My mom had the same worries about my SO. She warned me about a lot of the same things. Even after I flew down to Arkansas last summer and spent two weeks with him, and told her how great it was, she was still a little wary. I got her to talk to him herself, and she thought he was great. Some things happened with my SO's mom, after she went snooping through his things, and my mom became very supportive. She got to meet him herself in December, and he stayed at our house for three weeks. She now tells everyone how much she loves him and that she approves. She always tells me that I don't need her approval, but she thinks I found a really great guy.

I think it's normal for parents to worry. Especially when it comes to their child meeting and dating someone online. Try getting her to talk with him herself. Make sure she meets him face to face while he is visiting. She may come around, and she may not. But try not to let her worries affect your relationship or your judgement. More often than not, things go great when people meet their SO's in person. There are a few times when people say it just didn't work out, and the person wasn't what they expected. But try to look at it this way. You won't know for sure, until you meet him in person. Try not to worry too much. Odds are, it will be great! Best of luck to you both.

[chrelnka]

Well I can understand where she is coming from, both the fear of you leaving and protectiveness.

Can't you talk to her and explain all this to her? Like maybe tell her that you understand where she is coming from and her worries, but how it makes you feel despite that. And ask her to at least wait and make up her mind and show judgement (if she has any) only AFTER she sees him. Don't reassure her that she is a good guy or something, as you have said it, it won't work until she sees him, so just avoid talking about all that (I mean consequences of meetup, not him) altogether.

And also, the things she talks about, as much as they come from the general worrying she has, are really early to talk about. Basically the whole conversations you have described are things neither of you will know properly until it happens. And if she trusts your decision, she should trust your handling of things gone wrong a bit more as well. But, eh, mothers want to make us avoid hurtful situations so much sometimes lol.

I have mentioned all of this to her but it doesnt stop her worrying, but I guess I can't blame her seeing as she hasn't met him, I dont expect her to like and trust him without even knowing him, but thank you I appreciate your response!

Sorry if you mentioned this and I just haven't seen it, but has your mother talked to your partner via phone or Skype call, ideally with webcam? Has she actually contacted him at all or is she simply going off of her preconceptions about the matter?

I have mentioned to her a couple times about seeing him on Skype and she just says she'd rather not because she finds skype a bit awkward and doesn't know what to say, which I can understand. So really it's a matter of her waiting to meet. Thanks for your reply!

My mom had the same worries about my SO. She warned me about a lot of the same things. Even after I flew down to Arkansas last summer and spent two weeks with him, and told her how great it was, she was still a little wary. I got her to talk to him herself, and she thought he was great. Some things happened with my SO's mom, after she went snooping through his things, and my mom became very supportive. She got to meet him herself in December, and he stayed at our house for three weeks. She now tells everyone how much she loves him and that she approves. She always tells me that I don't need her approval, but she thinks I found a really great guy.

I think it's normal for parents to worry. Especially when it comes to their child meeting and dating someone online. Try getting her to talk with him herself. Make sure she meets him face to face while he is visiting. She may come around, and she may not. But try not to let her worries affect your relationship or your judgement. More often than not, things go great when people meet their SO's in person. There are a few times when people say it just didn't work out, and the person wasn't what they expected. But try to look at it this way. You won't know for sure, until you meet him in person. Try not to worry too much. Odds are, it will be great! Best of luck to you both.

I appreciate your response thank you, this makes me feel better I know that when she sees the real him she will like him, there is no way she wouldn't, he's everything I could ask for in someone!

[neddrick98]

Her worries make sense, yes, but projecting them all onto you clearly isn't helping.

Tell her you understand her fears, you've taken it all on board, and now you need her support - ESPECIALLY if it doesn't work out (and you DON'T need an 'I told you so'!)