Possessive

[London-Bridge]

So I had an argument with my SO. It was about communication etc but she brought up some really good points - harshly - but justly - that I am possessive..... I don't know how to fix it... Apparently I did it a bit before she left as well.... I don't know how to fix it.

My SO is at a camp for summer and has limited to no wifi connection.
I really need some help. I don't want to be possessive. I mean I obviously didn't like how harshly she said it but she reached a point and such. Which I do understand.
I need to be less possessive. I need ideas or help or things I can do or things I can say to her instead of spam messaging and such that can fix it.

I dont want to lose her at all.
I want to fix my problems. So please ideas, things to say, things not to say, anything really.

One thing I do admit though is her saying so directly and harshly towards me " the people here make me feel happy and I'll defiantly be going back next year". which hurt a bit. but she was pretty angry and stuff..

I just need help.
Ive never felt so bad in my life. or like I was going to love something I love just that thought scares me.
Just help me be more independent.

Shes angry at me and I see she has a right to be.
She feels terrible for telling me how she feels but I also hope she feels a bit better for telling me... How do I apologise and sort of.... something to make her feel less crap?

Can somebody become less possessive? is it possible? because I dont want to be possessive or lose her.

Should I ask her to point out signs of my possessive behavior in future? or if it sort of reverts? or what?

You can probably tell I'm freaking out about how I've been acting and just need some guidance.

[Mims27]

Well I think you're on the right track listening to what she had to say and seeking out advice/opinions. Maybe now that she mentioned it, you may notice your possessive behaviours and actively make the change. I do think you can become less possessive if you want to. If something makes possessive, look at the situation and ask yourself if it's rational to feel that way. Chances are that it wont be. I found that that worked really well for me when we were LD. The joys of LDRs is sometimes feeling jealous that you can't do things with your partner and sometimes that can turn into you seeming possessive. Also, keep yourself busy and active. Distract yourself from these thoughts. Hope this helps, I'm working on 4 hours of sleep, so it may be completely gibberish. LOL

[Miasmata]

Dealing with behaviour issues in a relationship is a two-way street - She needs to be patient and honest with you, and you need to continously invest the effort to do better. It will take time, but it's absolutely possible if you both care enough and stay attentive. If you feel overwhelmed by the problem (and that would be no shame whatsoever!), seeking out self-help/support groups and professional mental help can be very valuable. You don't need to be "crazy" to benefit from an independent third party's support and input. Most importantly, be kind to yourself and your partner, and understand that having an issue doesn't mean you are somehow less worthy of love and support. It's tricky, but try to look at this as a constructive thing - A situation you can grow and learn from, not a situation that ruins everything. Keep talking to your partner, and get you both on the same page. Have patience with each other, and keep at it.

[London-Bridge]

Just when she yelled at me she sounded so mad. Granted it was 3am in the morning for her and she had been working all day but still..

[Miasmata]

Ask yourself - How good of a mood would you be in if you had worked all day and you had an argument at 3AM? How calmly would you conduct yourself? Don't assume the worst in her if there are very plausible other explanations. As said, nothing replaces a calm, honest conversation when you're both doing okay and being able to listen. Don't have conversations like that when you're tired and overworked!

[Ejoriah]

I agree with Miasmata. If you are possessive she could have been annoyed by it for a while, with an argument at 3 AM while she was tired from a long day was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have been in a similar situation where I was busy doing my own thing and the person I was dating long distance just could not accept it. I was so frustrated because I felt that I was being criticized for living my life and doing something for me, so I ended up lashing out in anger. Part of me hoped that if I lashed out hard enough, the other person would "get it."

I am not saying that getting into screaming matches with your partner is a good thing or even a productive thing, though. Obviously the best way to deal with things like this is through calm and honest conversations.

My advice on how to be less possessive: don't fall into the trap of saying "I would not do this to her so why is she doing it to me?" because you two are separate people who do things differently. Do try to be aware when your thoughts start getting irrational and have a plan for what to do then - personally I go kill some bad guys in my favorite video game or I journal. Try to be happy for her that she gets to experience good things, instead of focusing on how it negatively affects you.

[C.C.]

There's no "but still", having an argument at 3am is awful.
I am speaking this from my own experience, not including all the other things, like doubts and insecurities me and SO had before trying again, one of the things that affected us awfully was our night conversations.
Since we had some messed up sleeping schedules, we talked a lot at night. And guess when did the worst fights happen? Around 3-4am, and we were stressed as hell too around that time.

As for possessiveness, I don't think I have anything new to say, but still: set some kind of warning for yourself, to make you stop before reacting.
Like do you feel bad about something? Make yourself stop IMMEDIATELY and think about it FIRST. Like how rational is that thought, whether you really have a reason to think so, etc. Then if you and hopefully you will figure out that you are overreacting and it's irrational BUT you still can't help what you feel, try to distract yourself. You'll notice that some feelings will calm down on its own, if you give yourself a bit of time to think about them, to relax and to keep yourself a bit distracted.

[London-Bridge]

So we spoke over the phone and I sent her a message saying sorry and I want to recify my issues etc etc. She called me and I repeated those things and she didnt say much she said " I dont really feel like talking much" and I said okay.. From there she said after a bit of silence " Some of your possessive traits are just naturally you though" and I asked what traits but she didn't say... So I'm just letting her message me when she wants for now. I'm going to just let her take control of the communication... Which mind you shes terrible at... Thats sort of all I can do.. I've got ideas of what I should change when she gets back etc.. other than that I dont know.
She still sounded so angry. It frightened me to be honest.

I have to gain back her trust but what if she doesn't see me doing that?

[Miasmata]

Give her some space, and show that you mean it when you said you want to improve. Ask her for her patience and reassurance, and show that you are worthy of her trust, that's really the best you can do. You need to have faith in yourself, your partner and the relationship.