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    #1

    Feeling paranoid about gf trusting another guy over others

    I don't know if I should be feeling paranoid about this situation. I have gotten cheated before so I felt paranoid about this situation. My gf works and she's not home most of the time. I have sent her gifts before and a couple of times she lost it because she wasn't there to collect it. What she's doing is, she made me send the gifts to another address and whenever she buys something online, she sends to that address. Today, she told me, its her guy friend who collects things for her and gives to her later. He is her Bible group leader. I'm not a Christian and he is and my gf is a Christian as well so she trusts him.. I feel silly bringing religion( I did not bring this up with her). They always send each other texts about this.
    I felt angry because of the fact that, she made me send the gifts to some random guy.. I don't want this to be known to others. She lives with a female roommate and she chose him over her or over her other female close friends. I don't understand this, she says she and him not talk much but she trusts him over everyone else. I told her I did not like this and she answers with " You doubt me, if you doubt me.. then break up with me" and she blocked me already. Am I just being paranoid about this?
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    #2
    Short answer: YES.

    Long answer: few things:

    You have been already cheated, it must have felt awful. However, does that make every other girl a cheater? Or, mainly, is it your SO's fault? Should she pay for that?

    You don't understand how friendship between girls and guys work, I guess? There's a different chemistry between them rather that 2 guys or 2 girls. And it's not anything romantic, just, we act differently around guys. It's easier to be judged by girls, we often gossip about things, make our weird comments, etc. On the other hand, for me at least, it's easier to build deep conversations with guys, talk about serious topics and overall trust them. My best friend is a guy and I trust him more than any of my girlfriends.

    She doesn't know him well enough yes, but does that define trust? There are many people around me I don't know too well either but I still trust. It just depends on an overall atmosphere they emit and my gut feeling mostly, but there are just people I really like as persons and I know they won't start judging me for example no matter what I tell them and I see them as generally trustworthy accepting people. Whereas, I may be closer with some people but more cautious.
    Would be good if you had learnt from her and trusted people, or at least your gf a bit more.

    This is a typical case of jealousy, you can feel it, but you need to learn to overcome it and not to get irrational. Has she ever given you a reason to doubt her before? If not, she's right then, you need to stop doubting her.

    Comment

      #3
      Yes, you're being paranoid.

      I've been cheated on in two different relationships, so I get that it sucks. It makes you feel awful and it sticks with you. However, being cheated on isn't an excuse to punish someone completely different for a crime they haven't committed, especially when they haven't given you a reason to suspect they're cheating. Hanging out with someone of the opposite sex isn't a sign of cheating and should never be taken as such--you'll drive yourself crazy if you do. Him being a guy is like, the bare-bones requirement for attraction.
      It's not healthy for you, and it's really no way to go about a relationship. You would benefit from learning to work through your jealousy. She's not the girl who cheated on you, and she shouldn't be treated as such. This guy has to know you exist if he's accepting your packages in order to make sure she's getting them. He's pretty much aiding that aspect of your relationship. He's probably a really nice guy. If you can, maybe get to know him so you can get more comfortable with the idea of him.

      For some examples:

      One of my s/o's closest friends is a girl, and she was actually in his profile picture when we met on okcupid. I've never felt jealous of her or the relationship they have. I actually want to meet her, especially because she's so important to my s/o. One of my closest friends is a guy, and when we were in college, we'd spend the night in each other's dorms all the time. My s/o knows about him and knows how close we are, and he's also excited to meet him. Our relationship is strong, and we're very happy together.

      Now, I dated someone who, upon finding out that I'm bisexual, immediately became jealous of anyone I hung out with--but mostly when I hung out with other girls. I have a friend who's a lesbian, and when she and I would hang out alone or have sleepovers or whatever, he would get really upset. He was convinced that something was going to happen, not because I gave him any reason to genuinely be concerned, but because we were both women attracted to women. His jealousy ended up destroying the relationship. Getting punished for a crime you haven't committed really sucks, and it's very stifling. It puts a lot of unnecessary stress on the relationship, and then the break up is very messy and leaves both parties hurt.

      Comment

        #4
        Anyone can be trustworthy or distrustworthy, it depends entirely on their actions. Any friendship can be harmless or not-harmless, again also depending entirely on the actions of the people involved. Gender plays little to nothing into it. If someone is trustworthy, they can have 100 friends of the gender they're attracted to and it won't matter.

        Has your partner given you reason to be paranoid? If yes, then adress it with them. If not, try having more faith in your partner. You can bring this issue up with them, and tell them you want to trust them and work on your ability to trust. That can be quite liberating when you both know about the issue. Just don't put needless blame on someone who doesn't deserve it.

        ~
        It'll take a lot more than words and guns
        A whole lot more than riches and muscle
        The hands of the many must join as one
        And together we'll cross the river

        Comment

          #5
          I guess your question should be: "Should I be feeling uneasy about this situation?" If you have reason to be suspicious, you are not paranoid, you are rigt. So what is happening in this situation that triggers your fear of being cheated on?

          Her Bible group leader friend sounds super nice in that he is willing to constantly pick up stuff for your SO.

          She likes her girlf friends, but this guy is obviously very reliable. So, she trusts her with even the stuff coming from her love; you.
          I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
          - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



          "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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            #6
            What bothers me is she can meet him once a week only (from what she told me) and she would rather wait an extra week to collect stuff from him rather than sending it to her own office or her other friends where she doesn't have to wait an extra week. They've been friends from a long time now.. I don't feel paranoid when she hangouts with other male office colleagues or others.. I don't feel paranoid about it. How should I go about this? I don't think she is cheating yet but I fear they will grow close.

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              #7
              No one in her friends circle knows I exist, even after meeting her in person and even after dating for 2+ years. She doesn't want to tell till I move there and close the distance. Not even her best friends knows I exist.

              Comment

                #8
                Now I'd be a bit more concerned that her friends don't know about you, more than the other things you have listed above.

                Have you brought this one up with her?

                Comment

                  #9
                  yes, I have brought it up. She tells me she doesn't her friends to know she met me online.. she thinks her friends will think of her a loser so she doesn't want to tell anyone. Should I apologize? should I wait for her to contact me or initiate contact?

                  Comment

                    #10
                    It might be best to initiate contact. Extending the olive branch if you will.

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                      #11
                      I asked her to explain why she trusts him so much and told her the reason for my insecurity. Not sure if it is a good idea to keep asking her but I want closure.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        It's good to keep the door open for discussion...and give her time to work out her own take on this situation.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          I can get being insecure about an unconvential relationship but honestly, in our times where the internet is so omnipresent, meeting someone online is hardly the sign of a "loser". Unless her friends are hardcore conservative anti-tech people, I really doubt anyone worth their salt as a friend would scoff at an LDR anymore. Don't try force her to do anything, obviously, but definitely explain that you don't feel good about being hidden away like this, and that it's harder for you to trust her when she keeps you a secret. You should definitely not assume she will cheat just because she has a close male friend, you need to able to trust your partner and their choice in friends. However, it's not wrong of you to want more clarity and honesty. Bring it up!

                          ~
                          It'll take a lot more than words and guns
                          A whole lot more than riches and muscle
                          The hands of the many must join as one
                          And together we'll cross the river

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Originally posted by Miasmata View Post
                            I can get being insecure about an unconvential relationship but honestly, in our times where the internet is so omnipresent, meeting someone online is hardly the sign of a "loser". Unless her friends are hardcore conservative anti-tech people, I really doubt anyone worth their salt as a friend would scoff at an LDR anymore. Don't try force her to do anything, obviously, but definitely explain that you don't feel good about being hidden away like this, and that it's harder for you to trust her when she keeps you a secret. You should definitely not assume she will cheat just because she has a close male friend, you need to able to trust your partner and their choice in friends. However, it's not wrong of you to want more clarity and honesty. Bring it up!
                            I did bring it up and she explained he's a married man and he's just a nice guy who helps everyone.. and she told me not to contact her again because I doubted her. I feel disgusted by this.. I tried to apologize but it didn't work.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              I dunno, the whole thing about no one knowing you after 2 years is kinda silly. How does she explain gifts from you etc?

                              Comment

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