Constant fighting.. Advice please

[sherida13]

Hi guys,

This is my first post on the forum. I just really need the opinion of people who actually understand the situation I'm in and can give me some solid advice.

I have been in a LDR for a little over 3 years. I live in Europe and he lives in Asia. I visit him once a year in my summer holiday and I'll be seeing him in less than a month.

We started out great, but as the time passed, I got really needy and I always wanted him to spend the little time he has with me, instead of his friends. We started fighting a lot more, because he wanted to do the things he liked and I just wanted him to spend some time with me in the weekends. I can understand this would drive him crazy, but just because I'm over 8000km away, doesn't mean I don't deserve his time (right?).

Anyway, we started fighting a lot. I would say mean things, he would say mean things and it would end up with one of us saying they're done with this. He would go to sleep and I'd spend the rest of the night crying and being upset. The next day he would say he loves me and that he can't be without me and we would be okay again.

I am stuck in this routine. I want and love him so much, but this has happened so much that breaking up is impossible, because both of us will think we're still together. I still cry sometimes, but not as nearly as I used to. Breaking up has become meaningless. He stopped giving a sh* about me crying and I don't even feel that upset anymore when he says we're done.

Tonight, he told me he's really done with me and not to come. He has told me this a few times in the past aswell and it still hurts. I know he wants me to come. He keeps justifying his words by saying he was angry and he didn't mean it, but it just breaks my heart. I have spend all my savings on trips to see him and that's what I get in return.

I just really don't know what to do. He's my first love and I do really want and love him, but I feel like he just stopped caring. I know he loves me and he really does care for me, but when he's just fed up with me and he won't give a sh* about me.

I have relatives in the same country, so I'll always have a place to stay, but I just don't know what to do. I have a 3+ week trip booked for next month, but every fight we have, he tells me not to come.

I was thinking about going there and just have fun (it's fine when we're together) and then decide when I get back, but I don't feel very happy traveling 24+ hours for a guy that tells me he doesn't want to be with me anymore every fight we have.. :/

[R&R]

In any relationship, saying what you mean and meaning what you say is critcal. As you have stated, because saying you want to break up is something both of you just fall back on when you fight, it really does lose its meaning. Threating to breakup or saying you want to because of a fight definitely shows a lack of maturity on handling disagreements.

You can't go back and change it now. However, what you can do, is stand your ground now. Tell him that stating he wants to break up after every fight doesn't solve any issues and you need to discuss them. Also tell him that the next time he says he wants to break up he'd better be sure because there is no taking it back. You will take him at his word and it will be over. You have to mean it if you say that though and be willing to go through with it. (I did this with an ex and he was shocked when he said it and I told him fine. I made myself singe on all social media and removed all his stuff. I wasn't kidding when I told him I'd do it.)

You can spend the time with family and enjoy being with people you love and who really want to be with you. You don't need the games.

[differentcountries]

R&R made an exellent point about not saying stuff you dont mean. I will rather adresse the reason you fight in the first place.

The way I see it, your SO belongs to you, but he also belongs to his friends. You say he has limited spare time, and you want him to spend the majority with you. I am not sure how limited this time is. But I would like to share something from my life (I am also in a 3 year relationship with someone from Asia). My SOs time is usually very limited. He easily has 12 hour shifts, 7 days a week. And his shift is almost the opposite of mine. As for contact, it is very hard. We hardly Skype any more. When we skype or text after his job, it disturbs my sleep. We see each other more often than once a year, but we have no weekends together. We make it work.

Sometimes he texts me that he has visitors. İt can be one of his many cousins, or a friend. I never go, oh you have time for them... His friends fill him up. They take care of him for me. He doesn't live close to family, so they are his family.

What is the reason that you are the one doing, and paying for, the visits?

Stop saying mean things to him, even as a rely to things he says. It just becomes a competition. Either you want to stay with him, or you dont.